Question:
I’ve been giving a lot of thought to the nature of the discord that frequently sweeps through the group, and I hope you’ll all think about it with me. As I see it, we all really, really want to get some peace in our lives. We all struggle with the power of PTSD, which disrupts that peace. We all have triggers, very personal (and probably private) situations which bring on strong emotion. And, we all have defense mechanisms, patterns of behaviour we use to cope with the flood of emotion. With all that going on, I think that sometimes we just end up clashing with our defense mechanisms. It’s a bit outside of thought, verging on the automatic, but not beyond thought. And I think that’s a key idea; defense mechanisms are not beyond thought. They can be re-programmed. They can be controlled. But first, they have to be identified. I’d like to suggest that we try to talk about this explicitly, whenever one of us comes to realize that a defense mechanism has been awakened. So, Sam, if you are reading this, I’d like to comment on the last couple days. I get triggered by blame. I want to put up a wall. I want to get distance. I see two Sams. One who is very supportive (I’m sorry that I didn’t mention that Sam yesterday). And another who is a prick, who blames and labels people. And I just want to get in there and say, in essence, "Fuck off, and get back in your own space!", if I see blaming and labelling. There’s another concept that is intimately linked to defense mechanisms, and triggers…..personal boundaries. We all draw "lines in the sand", limits beyond which we cannot allow another to proceed. But what happens when another person doesn’t "see" the line, doesn’t even know of its existence? We get blowups. Surprise conflicts. It’s my experience that I have had to learn to explicitly express the existence of certain boundaries, so that others know that they exist, and just where the limits are. And, by doing so, I’ve come to realize just how important it is to *me* that I have expressed the existence of the boundary in explicit terms. That way, I also have something concrete to work with. I find that my boundaries move around to more comfortable places, if I *first* stick it somewhere real, and then see how that works for me. Not knowing where my own boundaries are leaves *me* confused. How confusing do you think that appears to others? Hopefully, you find something useful in discussing these ideas. Larry
Response:
Hi Larry, A well thought out and reasoned post. I would like to add a personal note. As you hinted, we often don’t know what our own triggers and boundaries are. In a group setting I have found that many times only through the sharing of our personal trauma(s) and how it effects us now is the only way to discover what some of the triggers and boundaries are, both for the group, so they can steer around them and for the individual sharing. Confrontation rarely works when you are dealing with strong emotions and memories. Being supportive and gentle and caring set up a better and safer atmosphere. If triggers are hit, hopefully the one who was triggered will take a moment and rather than strike out simply say that what the other person is saying or the way it is being said is causing me pain. This is not a perfect world and we are far from perfect ourselves but we can try to find a way to live with each other. Larry L "Larry Hoover" <larryhoo…@sympatico.ca> wrote in message
news:chnm8.18862$Ff3.2132023@news20.bellglobal.com… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I’ve been giving a lot of thought to the nature of the discord that > frequently sweeps through the group, and I hope you’ll all think about it > with me. > As I see it, we all really, really want to get some peace in our lives. We > all struggle with the power of PTSD, which disrupts that peace. We all have > triggers, very personal (and probably private) situations which bring on > strong emotion. And, we all have defense mechanisms, patterns of behaviour > we use to cope with the flood of emotion. > With all that going on, I think that sometimes we just end up clashing with > our defense mechanisms. It’s a bit outside of thought, verging on the > automatic, but not beyond thought. And I think that’s a key idea; defense > mechanisms are not beyond thought. They can be re-programmed. They can be > controlled. But first, they have to be identified. > I’d like to suggest that we try to talk about this explicitly, whenever one > of us comes to realize that a defense mechanism has been awakened. > So, Sam, if you are reading this, I’d like to comment on the last couple > days. I get triggered by blame. I want to put up a wall. I want to get > distance. I see two Sams. One who is very supportive (I’m sorry that I > didn’t mention that Sam yesterday). And another who is a prick, who blames > and labels people. And I just want to get in there and say, in essence, > "Fuck off, and get back in your own space!", if I see blaming and labelling. > There’s another concept that is intimately linked to defense mechanisms, and > triggers…..personal boundaries. We all draw "lines in the sand", limits > beyond which we cannot allow another to proceed. But what happens when > another person doesn’t "see" the line, doesn’t even know of its existence? > We get blowups. Surprise conflicts. > It’s my experience that I have had to learn to explicitly express the > existence of certain boundaries, so that others know that they exist, and > just where the limits are. And, by doing so, I’ve come to realize just how > important it is to *me* that I have expressed the existence of the boundary > in explicit terms. That way, I also have something concrete to work with. I > find that my boundaries move around to more comfortable places, if I *first* > stick it somewhere real, and then see how that works for me. Not knowing > where my own boundaries are leaves *me* confused. How confusing do you think > that appears to others? > Hopefully, you find something useful in discussing these ideas. > Larry
Response:
Hi Larry & All, I understand what you are saying here. It is very difficult for some when writing an email, to try to put what you’re saying across, without offending anyone. It comes down to interpretation of what is being said. What is acceptable and understandable to some people, is not necessarily the same for others. I have had experience of this on other mailing lists, it’s not just you guys. The added stress of ptsd doesn’t help either. I have this problem with Glenn almost every day. I have to be re-assuring, understanding and patient, in order to keep his mind from going into over-drive. Best wishes, Kerry "LEL" <lelvn…@charter.net> wrote in message
news:u9khu514ualc86@corp.supernews.com… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi Larry, > A well thought out and reasoned post. I would like to add a personal note. > As you hinted, we often don’t know what our own triggers and boundaries are. > In a group setting I have found that many times only through the sharing of > our personal trauma(s) and how it effects us now is the only way to discover > what some of the triggers and boundaries are, both for the group, so they > can steer around them and for the individual sharing. Confrontation rarely > works when you are dealing with strong emotions and memories. Being > supportive and gentle and caring set up a better and safer atmosphere. If > triggers are hit, hopefully the one who was triggered will take a moment and > rather than strike out simply say that what the other person is saying or > the way it is being said is causing me pain. This is not a perfect world and > we are far from perfect ourselves but we can try to find a way to live with > each other. > Larry L > "Larry Hoover" <larryhoo…@sympatico.ca> wrote in message > news:chnm8.18862$Ff3.2132023@news20.bellglobal.com… > > I’ve been giving a lot of thought to the nature of the discord that > > frequently sweeps through the group, and I hope you’ll all think about it > > with me. > > As I see it, we all really, really want to get some peace in our lives. We > > all struggle with the power of PTSD, which disrupts that peace. We all > have > > triggers, very personal (and probably private) situations which bring on > > strong emotion. And, we all have defense mechanisms, patterns of behaviour > > we use to cope with the flood of emotion. > > With all that going on, I think that sometimes we just end up clashing > with > > our defense mechanisms. It’s a bit outside of thought, verging on the > > automatic, but not beyond thought. And I think that’s a key idea; defense > > mechanisms are not beyond thought. They can be re-programmed. They can be > > controlled. But first, they have to be identified. > > I’d like to suggest that we try to talk about this explicitly, whenever > one > > of us comes to realize that a defense mechanism has been awakened. > > So, Sam, if you are reading this, I’d like to comment on the last couple > > days. I get triggered by blame. I want to put up a wall. I want to get > > distance. I see two Sams. One who is very supportive (I’m sorry that I > > didn’t mention that Sam yesterday). And another who is a prick, who blames > > and labels people. And I just want to get in there and say, in essence, > > "Fuck off, and get back in your own space!", if I see blaming and > labelling. > > There’s another concept that is intimately linked to defense mechanisms, > and > > triggers…..personal boundaries. We all draw "lines in the sand", limits > > beyond which we cannot allow another to proceed. But what happens when > > another person doesn’t "see" the line, doesn’t even know of its existence? > > We get blowups. Surprise conflicts. > > It’s my experience that I have had to learn to explicitly express the > > existence of certain boundaries, so that others know that they exist, and > > just where the limits are. And, by doing so, I’ve come to realize just how > > important it is to *me* that I have expressed the existence of the > boundary > > in explicit terms. That way, I also have something concrete to work with. > I > > find that my boundaries move around to more comfortable places, if I > *first* > > stick it somewhere real, and then see how that works for me. Not knowing > > where my own boundaries are leaves *me* confused. How confusing do you > think > > that appears to others? > > Hopefully, you find something useful in discussing these ideas. > > Larry
Response:
"Larry Hoover" <larryhoo…@sympatico.ca> wrote in message
news:chnm8.18862$Ff3.2132023@news20.bellglobal.com… > I’ve been giving a lot of thought to the nature of the discord that > frequently sweeps through the group, and I hope you’ll all think about it > with me.
Hi Larry, I get very upset and triggered when anyone is bashed for ‘who’ they are. I grew up in a place where everyone was labeled, derrogatory names were common and everyday. When Sam, or anyone, have these ‘gay outbursts’ it drives me Nuts. And for some reason, since the war with the other ng I’ve been all stuck inside for the most part. Every once in awhile I’ll be able to ‘talk’ about something. I’ll be almost like I was before, but then it all just stops and I get stuck once again. I don’t know if it’s something permanent, if I’m going crazier, losing my mind more, which is a scary thought? It’s just that most of the time now, my thoughts just don’t translate into words anymore. I kept thinking I’d get over it in a little while, but I don’t appear to be. Anybody have any ideas what’s wrong with me?? Why can’t I get back to the place I was before the ‘war?’ td ly, whenever one – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> of us comes to realize that a defense mechanism has been awakened. > So, Sam, if you are reading this, I’d like to comment on the last couple > days. I get triggered by blame. I want to put up a wall. I want to get > distance. I see two Sams. One who is very supportive (I’m sorry that I > didn’t mention that Sam yesterday). And another who is a prick, who blames > and labels people. And I just want to get in there and say, in essence, > "Fuck off, and get back in your own space!", if I see blaming and labelling. > There’s another concept that is intimately linked to defense mechanisms, and > triggers…..personal boundaries. We all draw "lines in the sand", limits > beyond which we cannot allow another to proceed. But what happens when > another person doesn’t "see" the line, doesn’t even know of its existence? > We get blowups. Surprise conflicts. > It’s my experience that I have had to learn to explicitly express the > existence of certain boundaries, so that others know that they exist, and > just where the limits are. And, by doing so, I’ve come to realize just how > important it is to *me* that I have expressed the existence of the boundary > in explicit terms. That way, I also have something concrete to work with. I > find that my boundaries move around to more comfortable places, if I *first* > stick it somewhere real, and then see how that works for me. Not knowing > where my own boundaries are leaves *me* confused. How confusing do you think > that appears to others? > Hopefully, you find something useful in discussing these ideas. > Larry
Response:
Hi td, I’m glad you feel well enough to make a few posts. I’ve been worried about you. Have you ever tried relaxation therapy? If you have and remember how to do it try to set a time each day just for this. If you haven’t then ask your therapist to set aside part of a session for doing a relaxation exercise. It’s easy to do and there are a lot of variations based on the same muscle relaxation and imagery techniques. When I remember to do the techniques at least for a while I feel a lot better about myself and the world around me. Give it a thought, it can’t hurt. Larry L "tiny dancer" <tinydancer…@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:y1ym8.2410$a3.1584139@typhoon.southeast.rr.com… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi Larry, > I get very upset and triggered when anyone is bashed for ‘who’ they are. I > grew up in a place where everyone was labeled, derrogatory names were common > and everyday. When Sam, or anyone, have these ‘gay outbursts’ it drives me > Nuts. And for some reason, since the war with the other ng I’ve been all > stuck inside for the most part. Every once in awhile I’ll be able to ‘talk’ > about something. I’ll be almost like I was before, but then it all just > stops and I get stuck once again. I don’t know if it’s something permanent, > if I’m going crazier, losing my mind more, which is a scary thought? It’s > just that most of the time now, my thoughts just don’t translate into words > anymore. I kept thinking I’d get over it in a little while, but I don’t > appear to be. Anybody have any ideas what’s wrong with me?? Why can’t I > get back to the place I was before the ‘war?’ > td
If you like this post and would like to receive updates from this blog, please subscribe our feed.