Question:
Don’t read this if your’re feeling down either. I need some place to vent. Spoilered for feelings of angers and hopelessness, related to diagnosis. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 What’s the h*ll is the matter with me. SO says that according to what he has learned after talking to his holistic healthcare professional friends is that DDNOS is a "trashcan diagnosis." When he said that I just listened, didn’t respond. Am responding now, I dissociate over emotions. It makes me feel like I’m some piece of left over garbage that no one knows what to do with. One time I asked therp if he had any books about the kind of dissociation I’m suppose to have. Therp takes out of his bookcase a hardcover copy of "when rabbit howls" and "prism", puts them in front of me on his desk and then says "but you’re not that bad." Then therp went on to say how he met Frank Putnam and so fort.Whoaaaa! Wait a minute. Does this mean I can just forget about this? You know I had a psychiatiric nursing book left over from the school days. After I graduated from nursing school and passed the boards I tossed it, had no desire to be around those with any kind of a psychiatric problem. Had learned long before then how to get away from myself! Only had a few pages total on all the different types of dissociative disorders, mentioning in the first paragraph how uncommon they are. Thought after all, look at all I’ve been through and I’m fine. HA! So out of touch I didn’t know how out of touch I was. I feel like such a freak. I have a upfront or gatekeeper self. This is my false front. Usually others interact through this self. If it contains a strong emotion, I get shoved aside, and don’t even realize I’m not here during it. Only a couple of times have I been able to stay present and aware when this happens. The gatekeeper also has the everyday factual details of my life, so when the others process through they’re aware of obligations, commitments, bills due, etc… Am losing my memories of the 18 years 10 months I was disconnected from my primary awareness(es), When I first came back into myself in February, I could pretty much visually remember what happened during those years, but I could feel the void because I wasn’t there, Then I started getting headaches when I tried to think about them and picture things. Now I can’t even picture things from those years. I’m not suppose to be looking at them, someone doesn’t want me to. Might be able to give you an answer about what happened, it comes through me but not from me. Will somone just lock me up? Pretty much every week or at least every other, I mention to therp I still have a hard time believing I’m dissociative. "Still having a difficult time accepting this" says therp, and then says I’m not that bad. If I’m not that bad, why do I feel like everything is out of control and I"m going down the toilet? What kind of trashcan diagnosis is DDNOS? In the cesspool of life, Crackers . — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
Response:
Don’t know it needs to be spoilered about this, but I’ll leave the heading on just in case. Thanks for the response mouse. I’m going to see my therp this afternoon. I’ve got a cold and it hurts to talk too much because my throat is sore, this might be the day I give my posts to therp at the beginning of the session- so it’ll give him something to respond to. Last week I gave therp my posts as I was leaving. Wanted him to see what I had done, but didn’t want to talk about it. Oh, well. I guess my type of dissociation is common in abuse surviviors, DDNOS – PTSD. If I accept this, it’ll mean I’ll have to accept that I was abused. But it didn’t seem so bad at the time, like it just was. I feel ashamed of myself for not being able to just "get over" it. Confronted my late father’s sister about the neglect and abandonment from my now deceased mother due to her illness(es) while I was growing up (didn’t mention the s* abuse, beatings, and psychological abuse). Auntie’s response was "we knew something was wrong , but didn’t know how to help you." Auntie was a nurse and social worker too, seems to me that people like that deny the possibility bad things can happen in their own families the most. Auntie lived in the same town as us, Auntie and her husband worked for my father too. Guess mentioning anything might be amiss might have threatened their paycheck. What was a kid’s life and happiness worth anyway? Just some thoughts, Crackers . — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
Response:
Don’t know if it needs to stay spoilered, but I’ll leave the title anyway. Thanks for your e-mail Trinity. Checked out your site, really was excellent. I’m going to mention your site to my therp this afternoon, I really think therp would find things informative and interesting on-line. I know I’ve mentioned how I was out to lunch for 18 years and 10 1/2 months. What I realize now what was cut off from the outside were the selves or parts of selves that go through my false front, or to use your word "host." I was going through a really traumatic experience at the time, and I was so far away from my center that I saw I was heading towards another center. I knew as this was happening, as I was continuing that if I reached this other center I would crash and shatter into myself further. I made the decision in a split second to detour into the unknown and uncharted, rather then continue on where I was heading. At that moment I experienced a visual hallucination, looked like lightning bolts in the room as the air crackled and snapped. What I was left with all those years was the false front (nothing interacted behind it) -virtually a shell, and the parts that pushed it aside to interact anyway. In retrospect, I now realize I was classic Borderline at that point. The extremes, the risk taking, the abusing of my own body, lack of any boundaries, etc. Now that I’ve come back into myself, these parts or selves that were cut off for their own protection are able to interact through the host again. Don’t know if I have other hosts, think maybe. Therp said when I started therapy this would be a journey in self-discovery, or something like that. I’ve got to go and get ready, so I won’t have to rush at last minute to make it to therapy on time. Hope and Peace, Crackers — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Don’t know it needs to be spoilered about this, but I’ll leave the heading on just in case. Thanks for the response mouse. I’m going to see my therp this afternoon. I’ve got a cold and it hurts to talk too much because my throat is sore, this might be the day I give my posts to therp at the beginning of the session- so it’ll give him something to respond to. Last week I gave therp my posts as I was leaving. Wanted him to see what I had done, but didn’t want to talk about it. Oh, well. I guess my type of dissociation is common in abuse surviviors, DDNOS – PTSD. If I accept this, it’ll mean I’ll have to accept that I was abused. But it didn’t seem so bad at the time, like it just was. I feel ashamed of myself for not being able to just "get over" it. Confronted my late father’s sister about the neglect and abandonment from my now deceased mother due to her illness(es) while I was growing up (didn’t mention the s* abuse, beatings, and psychological abuse). Auntie’s response was "we knew something was wrong , but didn’t know how to help you." Auntie was a nurse and social worker too, seems to me that people like that deny the possibility bad things can happen in their own families the most. Auntie lived in the same town as us, Auntie and her husband worked for my father too. Guess mentioning anything might be amiss might have threatened their paycheck. What was a kid’s life and happiness worth anyway? Just some thoughts, Crackers .
Crackers, I found that education has nothing to do with dealing with abuse in your own family – my mother is a psychologist and not only is she one of my abusers, she knew my brother and uncle were sexually abusing me. What’s a little kid worth? Not much. Scary, isn’t it. wind dancer — Turn your head..and don’t look back..just set your sails for a new horizen…. and you know..it’s really not surprising, it gets better, when you get there. Phil Collins
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