Trauma – PTSD

Question:

We’re slogging through counselling, but here’s one of the major problems right now…..hubby is recovering from rotator cuff surgery with a tad too much booze,(to wash his Percocet down with)  and today he’s in alot of pain. I asked him if he remembered falling out of bed last night and he said no. He says he’s in pain because he reached into the trunk the wrong way.   Yet, he just brought a beer downstairs and is ready to take his daily nappy poo. I told our counsellor last week about how hubby lurched around in the bathroom one night and literally pulled the towel bar out of the wall, so we have two gaping holes in the sheetrock.  Since I’m a recovering alcoholic with over four years sobriety, he keeps his booze in a cabinet with a combo lock.  Well, I also have a combo lock that I can add on top of his…hehhehheh We just heard from Retrouvaille, and the cost is $375, something we can barely afford because hubby’s consulting project ended in Sept and he’s got a snowballs chance in hell to be back working anytime soon.  I told him at counselling that I got books out on divorce. I’m so disgusted…….he’s been drinking alot over the years, then I found out he had an affair, and now this, plus I’m going through $14,000 so far worth of dental stuff due to negligence on the part of my former dentist…..I’ve been turned down by 5 malpractice lawyers saying my case has merit but not worth their time and effort and not worth enough money. I’m at my wit’s end….. He said the feedback he got from his regular shrink was that when he was ready, or even if he ever is ready, he’ll share with me…..what the f is that all about.   Even our counsellor thought that was odd and not fair to me and definitely not a good form of communication.  He knows I have gotten books on divorce from the library. I asked him if we should try the Retrouvaille, and he said maybe….but as much as I hate to do this, I may have to plead financial difficulties, as we really cannot afford that amount right now, but we technically can’t be turned down either, according to the Diocese. crippled with depression despite the many anti  deps I’ve tried (my shrink says I have ptsd from the dental thing). Any replies to NG only, PLEASE If it gets any worse I don’t care if he reads what I write to this NG or not, but for now, I need the comfort of staying within the NG as far as replies go. Tispe

Response:

I asked him if we should try the Retrouvaille, and he said maybe….

I would highly recommend that you make it a priority to try Retrouville.  My ex and I went to the Lutheran "marriage encounter" weekend that uses the Retrouville one as a model.  I thought we made tremendous progress at our workshop and my ex said so also.  Without giving you too much information about the class and spoiling it for you, the main goal is to show you how to communicate effectively with each other.  We opened up a lot of communications between us, and talked about a lot of issues that had stayed hidden for a long time.  I thought we were well on our way to building not just an adequate marriage but a wonderful marriage. An important part of reinforcing the information you learn during the weekend is to continue the exercises for at least 90 days so that you get in the habit of effective communications.  I was stunned when Monday night, my (then) wife refused to do the exercises.  She refused to even discuss why, just saying that she didn’t feel like it. Only since the divorce have I found out that she was actually having an affair at the time of the weekend, and had made the decision during the weekend to end the affair and work on the marriage.  But when she went to work Monday morning and told him of her plans (they work together, him being a supervisor)  he talked her out of it.  From one letter I have seen, he refused to believe it was over and vowed to fight for her forever. Was she scared that he would tell me about the affair? Or did she just have another change of heart on Monday.  I don’t know, and it is irrelevant now. The point I guess I was trying to make is that if there is still some willingness on each of your parts to save the marriage, this weekend could really give you the tools that you need to accomplish that.  It was a very intense and gut wrenching weekend. Even if the weekend doesn’t "save" your marriage, you will learn a lot and have the peace of mind of knowing that you have tried almost everything to work it out. Now go make those reservations!  That is an order!  <sam giving tispe that stern look with his hands on his hips    I don’t want you to end up in this group. sam Don’t push the red button, Never push the red button!       Daffy Duck

Response:

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