Question:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – happy memories? your mind is trying to give you some good to focus on? The psychiatrist dood reckons i’ve suppressed my memories down so hard that nothing whatsoever exists of my past. The chap who diagnosed me as having mpd and ddnos said I had trauma induced amnesia, which would account for no memories or sentient feelings. What’s happening is that I’m chipping away at the ice that’s between me and my past, trying desperately to recall anything whatsoever, just making it thinner and thinner until random memories come flooding back in the form of flashbacks. They don’t have to be of anything in particular, they can be totally random. In some ways they can be comforting because for a fraction of a second I can feel, my world comes to life.
oh, my god. I’m sorry, Michael. this sounds like hell on earth. good thing you have that dog around to keep you from worse. struggling here to say something positive and encouraging and i can’t think of anything ’cause this is all so foreign to me. how’s this: who will you be after you get through all this? you will be a whole new Michael? Oh, maybe not a whole and completely new Michael, just "new and improved." 
well, I’m looking forward to meeting this fellow, ’cause he’s sure to be one way cool dude! :) see ya! Erminia
Response:
I am so confused. How can someone who some timed care do such emotional damage?
this is something i had a problem with for a long time. i think as children brought up in an abusive home we are taught not to believe or trust our own emotions/feelings/fears. i often found myself in the midst of turmoil and violence between my parents unsure of what to do, only to be told "this is you Linda, you caused this" i always thought they loved me, and i do think they did, but they placed horrendous conditions on that love/affection. i became so absorbed into filling those conditions that i lost myself and validated them and the neglect and abuse. flashbacks are truely terrifying, i used to get them all the time, they left me paralysed with fear. take care Michael
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I wish my father had been and out-and-out pig, a 24/7 nasty guy who didn’t sometimes care, a someone who never expressed any interest in me. It confuses me when one day he’d be a father to me, and the next day he’d pin me to the wall in the garage and physically hurt me. These past few months I’ve been experiencing various and bizarre flashbacks. For those who’ve never experienced a flashback, it’s not like a memory. It’s more like being transported to a brief moment in your history. For a fraction of a second you’re there at the beach aged 2, or walking down the high street aged 7 with all the sentient emotions of that particular moment being replayed back to you in glorious colour. I’ve only ever experienced maybe two flashbacks involving my father, but the one overwhelming emotion was fear, a fear I have long since forgotten. I am so confused. How can someone who some timed care do such emotional damage?
I don’t have an answer to your question but I understand your confusion all too well… take care Bill
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I wish my father had been and out-and-out pig, a 24/7 nasty guy who didn’t sometimes care, a someone who never expressed any interest in me. It confuses me when one day he’d be a father to me, and the next day he’d pin me to the wall in the garage and physically hurt me. These past few months I’ve been experiencing various and bizarre flashbacks. For those who’ve never experienced a flashback, it’s not like a memory. It’s more like being transported to a brief moment in your history. For a fraction of a second you’re there at the beach aged 2, or walking down the high street aged 7 with all the sentient emotions of that particular moment being replayed back to you in glorious colour. I’ve only ever experienced maybe two flashbacks involving my father, but the one overwhelming emotion was fear, a fear I have long since forgotten. I am so confused. How can someone who some timed care do such emotional damage?
because he didn’t really care about you. he didn’t even see you. didn’t understand that you were a small person in need of care. it wasn’t about you. it was about him. you were just the innocent bystander. a prop on the stage. erminia
Response:
: Sounds like PTSD flashbacks. : I suffer them all the time. In fact, until a couple of years ago, I thought : everyone did. Obviously, I was in major denial. : Sunday. I was driving down my residential street on my way to the grocery : store. I couldn’t see where I was driving, while I fought off the : flashback. Only a few seconds, but felt like forever. I’m glad there was : no one else on the road and I was only doing 30 m.p.h. : People can be abusive and claim to be caring. And that is *precisely* why it’s so "crazy-making" for the survivor. It dis-validates their experience. Other people see what a "great parent" the abuser is. I once heard a term for such parents — "street angel/home devil". It works for me. Emma 
— X-no-Archive:yes
Response:
Sounds like PTSD flashbacks. I suffer them all the time. In fact, until a couple of years ago, I thought everyone did. Obviously, I was in major denial. Sunday. I was driving down my residential street on my way to the grocery store. I couldn’t see where I was driving, while I fought off the flashback. Only a few seconds, but felt like forever. I’m glad there was no one else on the road and I was only doing 30 m.p.h. People can be abusive and claim to be caring. When you grow up with it you never know what’s coming next. I really don’t know how people can be so abusive to children. It’s sad that now that my mother is dead, part of me is glad she is gone. It’s sad that I have had to maintain a court order to keep my step father away from me for the last 30 years. It’s sad that this abuse tends to be handed down generation after generation. The only thing we can do is to make damn sure we break the pattern. What’s occurring that you are having this series of flashbacks. What’s the trigger? Blessings and a long, warm, caring hug, Cait – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I wish my father had been and out-and-out pig, a 24/7 nasty guy who didn’t sometimes care, a someone who never expressed any interest in me. It confuses me when one day he’d be a father to me, and the next day he’d pin me to the wall in the garage and physically hurt me. These past few months I’ve been experiencing various and bizarre flashbacks. For those who’ve never experienced a flashback, it’s not like a memory. It’s more like being transported to a brief moment in your history. For a fraction of a second you’re there at the beach aged 2, or walking down the high street aged 7 with all the sentient emotions of that particular moment being replayed back to you in glorious colour. I’ve only ever experienced maybe two flashbacks involving my father, but the one overwhelming emotion was fear, a fear I have long since forgotten. I am so confused. How can someone who some timed care do such emotional damage?
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Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – i often found myself in the midst of turmoil and violence between my parents unsure of what to do, only to be told "this is you Linda, you caused this" Yes I had that too. The drinking and the violence with my father trying to throw my mother around the room whilst my mother tried to defend herself by stabbing at my father with a carving knife. The fighting never curtailed. These were my fault, a child of six. i always thought they loved me, and i do think they did, but they placed horrendous conditions on that love/affection. i became so absorbed into filling those conditions that i lost myself and validated them and the neglect and abuse. yes yes yes yes yes flashbacks are truely terrifying, i used to get them all the time, they left me paralysed with fear. I still find them bewildering, mine aren’t about the abuse. Sometimes I’ll find myself as a 2 year old at the beach, or as a 7 year old standing with my mother in Woolworth’s picking out a donut from a paper bag. The flashbacks aren’t like memories, they are totally unrelated to what’s happening just before they occur. Love Mxxxx p’d & e’d
happy memories? your mind is trying to give you some good to focus on? dunno. Erminia
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – because he didn’t really care about you. he didn’t even see you. didn’t understand that you were a small person in need of care. it wasn’t about you. it was about him. you were just the innocent bystander. a prop on the stage. I don’t know if he did care or not. Maybe he did care, maybe he just didn’t understand how to treat his son. Maybe he did care but maybe he cared about himself more. And as you say, maybe he didn’t care at all. Whatever the answer is; I shall never know. Mx
mysteries. yeah, i understand, when faced with a mystery, the intelligent person (and that’s you, Michael) can’t help but try to solve it. but sometimes they can’t be and we only waste precious time and energy on them. time and energy that could be put to better use. very sorry about the flashbacks. they sound like hell, dangerous interruptions of your ordinary life. (driving? cooking? crossing a busy street? jeezus.) good luck to you, Michael. erminia
Response:
[snipped] A cheap motto I sometimes use is: living well is the best revenge. Don’t focus on trying to understand hi. Just put the energy into creatign a bettre life for yourself.
the above is some of the very best advice i’ve seen here. and the only thing to do. erminia – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text –
Response:
– Janneke – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – : Sounds like PTSD flashbacks. : I suffer them all the time. In fact, until a couple of years ago, I thought : everyone did. Obviously, I was in major denial. : Sunday. I was driving down my residential street on my way to the grocery : store. I couldn’t see where I was driving, while I fought off the : flashback. Only a few seconds, but felt like forever. I’m glad there was : no one else on the road and I was only doing 30 m.p.h. : People can be abusive and claim to be caring. And that is *precisely* why it’s so "crazy-making" for the survivor. It dis-validates their experience. Other people see what a "great parent" the abuser is. I once heard a term for such parents — "street angel/home devil". It works for me.
I have a parent like that.There seem to be quite a few of them.
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