Question:
Morceaux, I’m SO VERY SORRY about your brother. And everything you’ve been through since. That’s so hard to deal with, not being able to say goodbye, wondering in the back of your mind if there was something/anything you could have done to prevent it. But please understand, there’s nothing anyone can do once someone decides to do something like that. I’m saddened he felt it seemed the only way out. And sorry you’re hurting so much because of his choice to do this. My heart goes out to you. For your loss, for your pain. Safe hugs, kath "les morceaux" <morce…@integrant.2ndmail.com> wrote in message
news:tHvK6.14581$g61.1119361@e420r-chi1.usenetserver.com… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> hoy all > my brother killed himself about a month ago. his disability for > ptsd had just come through. i guess he figured that wasn’t what > he really needed. > we hadn’t talked in about 5 years. not estranged, just very far > from each other with very different lives. i’d missed him, and > had sent messages to him via our sister, but i hadn’t really > made a serious effort to connect with him. he was a cop and > i’ve always been uncomfortable with that. > i hadn’t known he’d be diagnosed with ptsd until our father > called to tell me he’d killed himself. i wondered if he ever > posted here. if he had, we wouldn’t have recognized each other. > we both have a habit of using sock puppets in support forums. > getting a phone call from my father was probably worse than the > news. i hadn’t spoken to my father in years, for far better > reasons than not having spoken to my brother, and had no idea > that he had my phone number. i’m probably going to get it > changed. > i started drinking again the night i found out. i don’t think > they’re related, really… me drinking, me finding out my > brother finally followed through on something he’d wanted to do > for at least 25 years. i’d been thinking about drinking for a > year or so, and a few hours after i got the call, i walked down > to the pizza parlor because i wanted contact with people who > would have loved my brother if they’d known him. loud biker > types, obnoxious, braggarts… you all know the type. i was > feeling hurt because he hadn’t at least emailed me with his > decision, and missing him, and maybe feeling a little bit of > guilt or anger because we had grown so far apart, and i just > wanted to be surrounded by his kind of people. so i walked down > there and 2 minutes in the door i had a beer in my hand… the > first one in 19 years. i’ve been drinking daily ever since. i > don’t know if i can stop, and frankly, i don’t think i have much > interest in stopping. > i’m fucking tired. really fucking tired. oblivion is a valid > goal. i’m jealous of my brother. > morceaux > — > She stared people down and appeared remorseless because the only > choices she knew were predator or victim. > –Shankar Vedantam > — > My mind is a bad neighborhood. I try not to go there alone. > –Unknown > — > The best thing about my childhood is it’s over. The worst thing > about it is I’m not over it. > –Bailey Trebble
Response:
Hi les morceaux! Thanks for coming back. You have been missed. > i’m fucking tired. really fucking tired. oblivion is a valid > goal. i’m jealous of my brother.
I believe that suicide is the ultimate act of attempted revenge. I’m sorry that your borther decided to take this action, but it was _his_ decision for _his_ life, not his decision for _your_ life. If he had no need to take revenge against you, then I wonder why you are choosing to take responsibility for his attempt at revenge. A suicide in the family leaves everyone with all kinds of questions and attempts at personalizing the blame … IME. I hope that you talk to a therapist about your reactions to your brother’s decision. I doubt that you had _any_ responsibility for his decision. YMMV Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy
Response:
>my brother killed himself about a month ago.
I’m so sorry for you and your brother. I hope you come back here for support. Risa __o o__ o__ o__ _ <,_ _.>/ _ _.>/ _ _.>/ _ (_)/ (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_)
Response:
Hi morceaux – I’m really sorry about your brother. And for everything that’s happened since then – your father’s phone call and all. It’s so hard to have a tragedy happen on top of the pain of a dysfunctional family. My father sounds right about like yours, in fact, both my parents were abusive – and then my sister was murdered. If the family wasn’t functional before, it shreds it apart completely when a tragic death happens. I can relate to your wish to be out of the pain. I just wish well for you. It’s not an easy road. Hannah
Response:
Morceaux…I’ve noticed your absence from the ng and am so saddened by the news of your brother’s suicide. I’ve listened to the story of my sister in the same situation, contemplating suicide w/a gun in her hand and alone at a motel. My mother tried to end her life when the pain was too intense. She shot herself and ended up with diabetes and a lot of surgeries to get repaired. She still has adhesions-scars from her attempt. I don’t know that I can say anything to comfort you at this time…I’ve feared it coming in my sister’s messed up life and realize I have no control over her decision. You are obviously in a lot of pain and the drinking is a help in numbing yourself. If you’ve been on the path of healing from PTSD then you already know that drinking is a good numbing device. I’m sorry that you are hurting so much that you’ve turned back to it after years of sobriety. Death is an escape, however, PTSD is not a death sentence. The lot of us (and others out there we’ve never met yet) proves that it is possible to live with PTSD. I hope that you find pain relief and can see your way through the fog of pain. I’m sorry for you and your family’s loss. Imagine how much you would impact others if you chose your brother’s road. Look at how his choice has impacted you =( Kristine The unexamined life is not worth living – Socrates
Response:
morceaux, I’m so sorry to hear about your brother. How incredibly alone he must have felt? How much he must have blamed himself to exact the ultimate price? Relationships are a two way street. It seems that both of you needed to have separate lives, and for whatever reasons, you both decided distance was what each of you needed. I’d likely being feeling responsible at this point; not having tried harder, made more contact, etc. I hope you can see that he would have made this happen even if you were in constant contact. Nothing anyone says or does will stop someone from taking their own life, it that’s their intention. This event may not be responsible for your drinking, and it definitely sounds like there is some connection. You hadn’t done it before that day. I think I would be hurt too. Your brother took away your opportunity to say goodbye. To say all the things that were put off believing there would be other opportunities. As for jealousy, your brother’s pain may be gone, but what you have is so much more important. You may not see it at the moment, but you have the opportunity for happiness. You can feel loved, wanted, protected, and safe. He will never be able to feel that now. Again, I’m sorry for your loss. And the loss of you would be greatly felt, I’m sure. Ron
Response:
hoy all my brother killed himself about a month ago. his disability for ptsd had just come through. i guess he figured that wasn’t what he really needed. we hadn’t talked in about 5 years. not estranged, just very far from each other with very different lives. i’d missed him, and had sent messages to him via our sister, but i hadn’t really made a serious effort to connect with him. he was a cop and i’ve always been uncomfortable with that. i hadn’t known he’d be diagnosed with ptsd until our father called to tell me he’d killed himself. i wondered if he ever posted here. if he had, we wouldn’t have recognized each other. we both have a habit of using sock puppets in support forums. getting a phone call from my father was probably worse than the news. i hadn’t spoken to my father in years, for far better reasons than not having spoken to my brother, and had no idea that he had my phone number. i’m probably going to get it changed. i started drinking again the night i found out. i don’t think they’re related, really… me drinking, me finding out my brother finally followed through on something he’d wanted to do for at least 25 years. i’d been thinking about drinking for a year or so, and a few hours after i got the call, i walked down to the pizza parlor because i wanted contact with people who would have loved my brother if they’d known him. loud biker types, obnoxious, braggarts… you all know the type. i was feeling hurt because he hadn’t at least emailed me with his decision, and missing him, and maybe feeling a little bit of guilt or anger because we had grown so far apart, and i just wanted to be surrounded by his kind of people. so i walked down there and 2 minutes in the door i had a beer in my hand… the first one in 19 years. i’ve been drinking daily ever since. i don’t know if i can stop, and frankly, i don’t think i have much interest in stopping. i’m fucking tired. really fucking tired. oblivion is a valid goal. i’m jealous of my brother. morceaux — She stared people down and appeared remorseless because the only choices she knew were predator or victim. –Shankar Vedantam — My mind is a bad neighborhood. I try not to go there alone. –Unknown — The best thing about my childhood is it’s over. The worst thing about it is I’m not over it. –Bailey Trebble
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