Question:
(((((((((((((((((((((((((~shib~ and family))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) thinking of you today, m — ~~~~~<:~~~~~ iriXx "… faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we cannot see"
Response:
Shib, you did well for the day with that amount of stress. Its ok to rant away here and not worry about feeling guilty. No one is going to flame us all for being in distress and sharing it. I certainly understand that physical sick and self loathing stuff. What an experience, huh? I understand that dark feeling, ohh, it is so awful, I hate it. I want to run from it, but I can’t. All you can do it wait until it passes. Please take care, you’ll make it. Big ((((hugs)))). Carrie
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I hate to complain about my day when all of you seem to be going through much worse. I know I have a loving supportive husband and wonderful child and many of you don’t have a close family. I feel guilty even ranting about my troubles when you all have so many more. But then I know you all will understand <sigh *hug*. I cannot for my own sanity go into all the details right now. I will just get all upset again and I am suffering physical problems from an earlier complete breakdown today. I can’t get my hernia and my esophogeal <sp? spasms any worse as there is no one on duty worth anything at the local hospital this weekend. Anyway, last night I was very emotional. I figured that it was mainly from lack of sleep and worry and stress from being in the hospital with my son. I know my fatigue contributed to it, but it still felt like more. I couldn’t pinpoint the feeling, but it was dark and despairing. My husband held me as I cried and then I went to sleep. I woke up early (unusual for me) and was very shaky. I hadn’t had any nightmares or anything and he kept asking what was wrong. I didn’t really know. It was just a dark feeling. Neither of us understood it. We talked for a while and I cried a little more. I just hated myself. Even more than usual, I simply loathed myself terribly and for no apparant (new) reason. Then all of a sudden I started screaming (muffledly of course as I didn’t want to wake my little boy in the other room), "oh god…oh god… no…no..oh god no…." He grabbed me and wanted to know what was wrong and then realized that a suppressed memory had just surfaced. This has happened before so he sort of recognized it. But this was much different. I was hysterical. I was blathering on and said I couldn’t tell him why. All I could say is how I hated myself and stuff along those lines. He kept calmly asking me questions without prying too hard. He figured out that it was something that had happened during my previous marriage (all other suppressions had been), but why I felt hate and guilt. He did realize that it was something that had surfaced and I had admitted it to myself for the first time since it had been surpressed. He finally got enough bits out of my hysteria that he pieced it all together and he was right. He tried to calm me by rationally explaining that there was no reason for me to feel guilty because for one thing it had only ever been a thought and never an action. (I had at one time considered a course of action to escape from abuse involving me and my son.) And I shouldn’t feel guilty because I had been pushed to the brink of utter despair by the monster I was married to. He said that is was *him* that had done this to me. Part of me understands this and I know all of this is part of the PTSD. But remembering something that horrific (to me anyway) and having to admit to myself that I had ever even had those thoughts in my head are extremely difficult for me to deal with. Anyway, my little boy woke up as I was still crying very much and hadn’t yet had a full release of emotion. So I had to put on my ‘happy face’ for him (but I was so glad to see him and hold him and love him and know that we are both still here) and much of the trauma is still locked away. But at least it has surfaced. I just haven’t had a complete release yet and I have been swinging wildly today. I am very manicky and then emotional. But I guess today was a good day. It is just so hard when something is unlocked from that dark place. It also makes me wonder what else is down there waiting to come up, you know? My husband promised to never reveal what he pieced together (I couldn’t and didn’t *tell* him) and he said I never had to talk about it again, but he was here if I needed to. He also encouraged me to discuss it with my therapist when I felt strong enough to. I had to tell my mom a little and just said that I had had a supressed memory surface that was hard to deal with. All she asked was did it have to do with my ex. I said yes cause it did. She needs to know that much because I think she is so afraid that I might have been abused somehow when I was little and she didn’t know. She has asked me this many times (she recently said she had molested as a child and had never told anyone) because I think she is afraid that might have happened to me too and I have locked it away. I am not sure. It is a long day. I need sleep and am so stressed that I am running around everywhere, thoughts racing, heart pounding, having about 5 windows open at once, my inbox and my newsreader all at once. It is crazy. Thanks to anyone that was around to listen 
. I guess I got into more details than I thought I would <wry smile. Everyone be safe and have a happy time with your families this weekend. — ~Shib~
Response:
I hate to complain about my day when all of you seem to be going through much worse. I know I have a loving supportive husband and wonderful child and many of you don’t have a close family. I feel guilty even ranting about my troubles when you all have so many more. But then I know you all will understand <sigh *hug*.
Don’t feel guilty at all about posting here. If there’s a rules committee, they’re imaginary. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I cannot for my own sanity go into all the details right now. I will just get all upset again and I am suffering physical problems from an earlier complete breakdown today. I can’t get my hernia and my esophogeal <sp? spasms any worse as there is no one on duty worth anything at the local hospital this weekend. <snip Thanks to anyone that was around to listen . I guess I got into more details than I thought I would <wry smile. Everyone be safe and have a happy time with your families this weekend. — ~Shib~
Talk away, and don’t worry about that. Glad to hear you have some family willing to support you, that does help. Anyway have a safe one. jodelli
Response:
Hi Shibolene, Don’t feel guilty about the amount of pain you experience compared to others. It sounds as though you face your troubles heroically. I hope you begin to feel better. ((((Shibolene)))) if ok. Peter
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I hate to complain about my day when all of you seem to be going through much worse. I know I have a loving supportive husband and wonderful child and many of you don’t have a close family. I feel guilty even ranting about my troubles when you all have so many more. But then I know you all will understand <sigh *hug*. I cannot for my own sanity go into all the details right now. I will just get all upset again and I am suffering physical problems from an earlier complete breakdown today. I can’t get my hernia and my esophogeal <sp? spasms any worse as there is no one on duty worth anything at the local hospital this weekend. Anyway, last night I was very emotional. I figured that it was mainly from lack of sleep and worry and stress from being in the hospital with my son. I know my fatigue contributed to it, but it still felt like more. I couldn’t pinpoint the feeling, but it was dark and despairing. My husband held me as I cried and then I went to sleep. I woke up early (unusual for me) and was very shaky. I hadn’t had any nightmares or anything and he kept asking what was wrong. I didn’t really know. It was just a dark feeling. Neither of us understood it. We talked for a while and I cried a little more. I just hated myself. Even more than usual, I simply loathed myself terribly and for no apparant (new) reason. Then all of a sudden I started screaming (muffledly of course as I didn’t want to wake my little boy in the other room), "oh god…oh god… no…no..oh god no…." He grabbed me and wanted to know what was wrong and then realized that a suppressed memory had just surfaced. This has happened before so he sort of recognized it. But this was much different. I was hysterical. I was blathering on and said I couldn’t tell him why. All I could say is how I hated myself and stuff along those lines. He kept calmly asking me questions without prying too hard. He figured out that it was something that had happened during my previous marriage (all other suppressions had been), but why I felt hate and guilt. He did realize that it was something that had surfaced and I had admitted it to myself for the first time since it had been surpressed. He finally got enough bits out of my hysteria that he pieced it all together and he was right. He tried to calm me by rationally explaining that there was no reason for me to feel guilty because for one thing it had only ever been a thought and never an action. (I had at one time considered a course of action to escape from abuse involving me and my son.) And I shouldn’t feel guilty because I had been pushed to the brink of utter despair by the monster I was married to. He said that is was *him* that had done this to me. Part of me understands this and I know all of this is part of the PTSD. But remembering something that horrific (to me anyway) and having to admit to myself that I had ever even had those thoughts in my head are extremely difficult for me to deal with. Anyway, my little boy woke up as I was still crying very much and hadn’t yet had a full release of emotion. So I had to put on my ‘happy face’ for him (but I was so glad to see him and hold him and love him and know that we are both still here) and much of the trauma is still locked away. But at least it has surfaced. I just haven’t had a complete release yet and I have been swinging wildly today. I am very manicky and then emotional. But I guess today was a good day. It is just so hard when something is unlocked from that dark place. It also makes me wonder what else is down there waiting to come up, you know? My husband promised to never reveal what he pieced together (I couldn’t and didn’t *tell* him) and he said I never had to talk about it again, but he was here if I needed to. He also encouraged me to discuss it with my therapist when I felt strong enough to. I had to tell my mom a little and just said that I had had a supressed memory surface that was hard to deal with. All she asked was did it have to do with my ex. I said yes cause it did. She needs to know that much because I think she is so afraid that I might have been abused somehow when I was little and she didn’t know. She has asked me this many times (she recently said she had molested as a child and had never told anyone) because I think she is afraid that might have happened to me too and I have locked it away. I am not sure. It is a long day. I need sleep and am so stressed that I am running around everywhere, thoughts racing, heart pounding, having about 5 windows open at once, my inbox and my newsreader all at once. It is crazy. Thanks to anyone that was around to listen . I guess I got into more details than I thought I would <wry smile. Everyone be safe and have a happy time with your families this weekend. — ~Shib~
Response:
I hate to complain about my day when all of you seem to be going through much worse. I know I have a loving supportive husband and wonderful child and many of you don’t have a close family. I feel guilty even ranting about my troubles when you all have so many more. But then I know you all will understand <sigh *hug*. I cannot for my own sanity go into all the details right now. I will just get all upset again and I am suffering physical problems from an earlier complete breakdown today. I can’t get my hernia and my esophogeal <sp? spasms any worse as there is no one on duty worth anything at the local hospital this weekend. Anyway, last night I was very emotional. I figured that it was mainly from lack of sleep and worry and stress from being in the hospital with my son. I know my fatigue contributed to it, but it still felt like more. I couldn’t pinpoint the feeling, but it was dark and despairing. My husband held me as I cried and then I went to sleep. I woke up early (unusual for me) and was very shaky. I hadn’t had any nightmares or anything and he kept asking what was wrong. I didn’t really know. It was just a dark feeling. Neither of us understood it. We talked for a while and I cried a little more. I just hated myself. Even more than usual, I simply loathed myself terribly and for no apparant (new) reason. Then all of a sudden I started screaming (muffledly of course as I didn’t want to wake my little boy in the other room), "oh god…oh god… no…no..oh god no…." He grabbed me and wanted to know what was wrong and then realized that a suppressed memory had just surfaced. This has happened before so he sort of recognized it. But this was much different. I was hysterical. I was blathering on and said I couldn’t tell him why. All I could say is how I hated myself and stuff along those lines. He kept calmly asking me questions without prying too hard. He figured out that it was something that had happened during my previous marriage (all other suppressions had been), but why I felt hate and guilt. He did realize that it was something that had surfaced and I had admitted it to myself for the first time since it had been surpressed. He finally got enough bits out of my hysteria that he pieced it all together and he was right. He tried to calm me by rationally explaining that there was no reason for me to feel guilty because for one thing it had only ever been a thought and never an action. (I had at one time considered a course of action to escape from abuse involving me and my son.) And I shouldn’t feel guilty because I had been pushed to the brink of utter despair by the monster I was married to. He said that is was *him* that had done this to me. Part of me understands this and I know all of this is part of the PTSD. But remembering something that horrific (to me anyway) and having to admit to myself that I had ever even had those thoughts in my head are extremely difficult for me to deal with. Anyway, my little boy woke up as I was still crying very much and hadn’t yet had a full release of emotion. So I had to put on my ‘happy face’ for him (but I was so glad to see him and hold him and love him and know that we are both still here) and much of the trauma is still locked away. But at least it has surfaced. I just haven’t had a complete release yet and I have been swinging wildly today. I am very manicky and then emotional. But I guess today was a good day. It is just so hard when something is unlocked from that dark place. It also makes me wonder what else is down there waiting to come up, you know? My husband promised to never reveal what he pieced together (I couldn’t and didn’t *tell* him) and he said I never had to talk about it again, but he was here if I needed to. He also encouraged me to discuss it with my therapist when I felt strong enough to. I had to tell my mom a little and just said that I had had a supressed memory surface that was hard to deal with. All she asked was did it have to do with my ex. I said yes cause it did. She needs to know that much because I think she is so afraid that I might have been abused somehow when I was little and she didn’t know. She has asked me this many times (she recently said she had molested as a child and had never told anyone) because I think she is afraid that might have happened to me too and I have locked it away. I am not sure. It is a long day. I need sleep and am so stressed that I am running around everywhere, thoughts racing, heart pounding, having about 5 windows open at once, my inbox and my newsreader all at once. It is crazy. Thanks to anyone that was around to listen . I guess I got into more details than I thought I would <wry smile. Everyone be safe and have a happy time with your families this weekend. — ~Shib~
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