Question:
Welcome back, Gay Marie! I am glad you are with us and that you wrote, and that there is more posting in general going on now – it helps me too. It is overwhelming sometimes, but so helpful. Lots of support here, lots of folks down in the trenches digging through their shit – I really admire and respect that. Feels much more real to me than folks out in the world pretending that everything is ok and they are having a good time. >My psychiatrist is really into PTSD and has >been wonderful. He never leads, or pushes. His favorite saying is >"therapy is learning what you already know". WOW. He believes we >already have all of our answers buried in our minds.
Sounds like you have a great therapist 
I feel the pain in your words, and I am here with you. blessings, Renee *what other people think of you is none of your business* *If you are going through hell, KEEP MOVING!* ______________________________
Response:
On Tue, 15 Dec 1998 09:46:17 -0500, gmt wrote:
Good to hear from you Gay Marie. I too have a lot of "unconfirmed" stuff in the past. Fortunately?! a lot was confirmed as well. I know how crazy making that can be. The first rule of my twenty year plan is: I WILL TRUST MY INTUITION. That is because it was the first thing taken from me. Screw the world, screw the definitions, anything that sets off your intuitive bells is something to be listened to – closely. I know what you mean about the NG. When I was lurking I wondered if everyone had some secret rendezvous that I didn’t know about. All groups have ebb and flow, I for one am just going to enjoy high tide. Furthermore I promise that I am not seasonal, at least until Spring and planting time. Christmas sucks, Solstice is real. The light returns! Peace and Joy, Don – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Hi Everyone, > I haven’t posted in a bit. But, I’ve been lurking. I guess I >haven’t had much to write. I had thought that I would respond to all of >the postings as each of you told some of your stories. Then, as I kept >reading more and more posts as you all began to share, I found myself >feeling a little overwhelmed. I didn’t feel triggered. I just let all >of it wash over me. I won’t lie and state that I even felt always >overwhelmed. Sometimes I felt numb. Yet, I kept reading. I am awed by >all of your stories and your pain and the myriad ways that you all deal >with your experiences. You are each so unique. There does seem to be a >lot more posting going on right now, compared to when I first began >lurking and posting. I was immediately addicted to the ng, and wished >there was more activity in the ng. Now there is more activity and I’m >so glad. I’ve digressed. Back to what I opened with: all of your >sharing has elicited in me a strange feeling: ENVY. I am not an envious >person by any means. It started with feeling you all were so brave to >tell your stories and share your pain, and how supportive you all have >become-much moreso than when I first joined, it seems. Maybe those that >have been around a while might see a pattern here. Does this ng light >up during the holiday season? I hope this is not true. I would like to >believe the we are all growing together and the increased activity >reflects it. Would someone who has been around for a couple of years >tell me if it is a seasonal pattern or is this a sign of growth? I’d >like to know. All of my lurking recently has been nice to sit back and >just "listen", without feeling like I had to respond to everything. >Back to the envy. I read all of your stories and thought first "How >brave and courageous you are for telling us that". Then, I thought, >"why don’t I just jump in and tell some of my story"? That is when the >envy appeared. I have amnesia, fairly significant amnesia. I have >fragments, flashbacks, nightmares, powerful behavioral clues and an >absolute certainty of feeling that I "knw" what happened, I just don’t >know the details, yet. It is the most frustrating thing for me to know >I have amnesia and can’t get the memories. That is why the post on the >FMSF (False Memory Syndrome Foundation) was such a powerful trigger for >me a little while back. I became quiescent after that until now. I >envy you because you know what happened to you. I don’t. At first, I >thought that I really didn’t have it so bad. Some of your stories have >some really awful experiences in them. Then I realized that was my >denial rearing it’s ugly head again. Once I realized that, I was forced >to realize that I felt envy because you all have memories. I wish I >could say that having amnesia is like having your slate wiped claen, >like it never happened. Maybe for some it is. But, I am constantly >reminded that there is something evil there by my nightmares, >flashbacks, fragments of memories, all of the multitude of behavioral >clues that I possess reminding me constantly that some thing is wrong. >Then, there is that absolute certainty of feeling that I KNOW something >very bad happened to me when I was a baby. The persistent feeling that >I am broken (someone else wrote that and I was FLOORED!!! I wasn’t the >only person who feels broken???). I remember enough to have a fairly >good idea what happened to me, I don’t know the details and the extent >of it, yet. I have been in therapy for three and a half years. I began >because I knew there was something "wrong" with me. It was an awful, >absolutely AWFUL thing to suspect I had been sexually abused by my >father and not have any "proof". I nearly drove myself crazy either >trying to "prove" it to myself, or telling myself I already WAS crazy >because I had such a wild imagination. That only someone who was >really, really sick would come up with what I consider the worst >possible thing to have happen to them (next to losing your child). I >had some serious denial. My psychiatrist is really into PTSD and has >been wonderful. He never leads, or pushes. His favorite saying is >"therapy is learning what you already know". WOW. He believes we >already have all of our answers buried in our minds. Trust is such an >issue with me. I really don’t trust anyone. Finding out that it >extends even to myself was mindboggling. I am learning to trust >myself. I’m doing pretty well, I might add! I’ve got a long way to >go. I’m looking forward to it… For what it’s worth, I’m not >suicidal, never have been. My husband was. I am well acquainted with >it. Hopefully, over time, I can begin to tell my story. Sometimes it >might be just fragments. Sometimes it might be a whole part of my >story. For me, sexual abuse was my original trauma. I have had >others. My marriage was very traumatic. My first childbirt was very >traumatic. And, I lived in Panama during the breif war there (my >husband is military-high up in the Pentagon, now; me and my three >children were there during the fighting. I haven’t enjoyed Christmas >since then. it’s been eight years and I still remember the rockets, >gunfire, mortar, my house being strafed while me and the kids were in >it, alone, because the husband was at "work". Ironic, we were the >heaviest hit, while he was safe and sound and flakjacketed. For those >of you that don’t already know it- our lovely United States of America >the GREATEST nation in the world–all those wonderful lofty ideals we >were all raised to believe, remember? Well, it is all horseshit!!! >They don’t give a flying fuck about any one of us. WE ARE EXPENDABLE. >Yup, even women and small children at Christmas. You don’t know how >hard it was to have to tell my children that they wouldn’t be getting >any gifts that year because Santa didn’t have a bulletproof sleigh. I >have to stop, I’ll just get all upset- Isay this as I sit here crying. >I just can’t seem to get over the Panama thing. And Christmas is >especially hard. I used to love Christmas until we all came withina >hairsbreadth of losing our lives over an obscure issue that no one ever >made too clear about Manuel Noriega and his politics. I think about the >men and civilians that died during my little war, GOD, it breaks my >heart. It’s hard to celebrate when I’m mourning every year. Santa >hasn’t found us yet…) anyway, someday, maybe, I can tell the Panama >story along with all the rest. By the way, Panama is a beautiful >country, I loved being there(except for the war…) and it makes me mad >as hell that Jimmy Carter signed that damned treaty to give the Canal >back. My family nearly lost their lives down there, I feel like I have >a vested interest in that country! > Thanx for listening. > GOD bless and take care, > Gay Marie
Response:
Hi Everyone, I haven’t posted in a bit. But, I’ve been lurking. I guess I haven’t had much to write. I had thought that I would respond to all of the postings as each of you told some of your stories. Then, as I kept reading more and more posts as you all began to share, I found myself feeling a little overwhelmed. I didn’t feel triggered. I just let all of it wash over me. I won’t lie and state that I even felt always overwhelmed. Sometimes I felt numb. Yet, I kept reading. I am awed by all of your stories and your pain and the myriad ways that you all deal with your experiences. You are each so unique. There does seem to be a lot more posting going on right now, compared to when I first began lurking and posting. I was immediately addicted to the ng, and wished there was more activity in the ng. Now there is more activity and I’m so glad. I’ve digressed. Back to what I opened with: all of your sharing has elicited in me a strange feeling: ENVY. I am not an envious person by any means. It started with feeling you all were so brave to tell your stories and share your pain, and how supportive you all have become-much moreso than when I first joined, it seems. Maybe those that have been around a while might see a pattern here. Does this ng light up during the holiday season? I hope this is not true. I would like to believe the we are all growing together and the increased activity reflects it. Would someone who has been around for a couple of years tell me if it is a seasonal pattern or is this a sign of growth? I’d like to know. All of my lurking recently has been nice to sit back and just "listen", without feeling like I had to respond to everything. Back to the envy. I read all of your stories and thought first "How brave and courageous you are for telling us that". Then, I thought, "why don’t I just jump in and tell some of my story"? That is when the envy appeared. I have amnesia, fairly significant amnesia. I have fragments, flashbacks, nightmares, powerful behavioral clues and an absolute certainty of feeling that I "knw" what happened, I just don’t know the details, yet. It is the most frustrating thing for me to know I have amnesia and can’t get the memories. That is why the post on the FMSF (False Memory Syndrome Foundation) was such a powerful trigger for me a little while back. I became quiescent after that until now. I envy you because you know what happened to you. I don’t. At first, I thought that I really didn’t have it so bad. Some of your stories have some really awful experiences in them. Then I realized that was my denial rearing it’s ugly head again. Once I realized that, I was forced to realize that I felt envy because you all have memories. I wish I could say that having amnesia is like having your slate wiped claen, like it never happened. Maybe for some it is. But, I am constantly reminded that there is something evil there by my nightmares, flashbacks, fragments of memories, all of the multitude of behavioral clues that I possess reminding me constantly that some thing is wrong. Then, there is that absolute certainty of feeling that I KNOW something very bad happened to me when I was a baby. The persistent feeling that I am broken (someone else wrote that and I was FLOORED!!! I wasn’t the only person who feels broken???). I remember enough to have a fairly good idea what happened to me, I don’t know the details and the extent of it, yet. I have been in therapy for three and a half years. I began because I knew there was something "wrong" with me. It was an awful, absolutely AWFUL thing to suspect I had been sexually abused by my father and not have any "proof". I nearly drove myself crazy either trying to "prove" it to myself, or telling myself I already WAS crazy because I had such a wild imagination. That only someone who was really, really sick would come up with what I consider the worst possible thing to have happen to them (next to losing your child). I had some serious denial. My psychiatrist is really into PTSD and has been wonderful. He never leads, or pushes. His favorite saying is "therapy is learning what you already know". WOW. He believes we already have all of our answers buried in our minds. Trust is such an issue with me. I really don’t trust anyone. Finding out that it extends even to myself was mindboggling. I am learning to trust myself. I’m doing pretty well, I might add! I’ve got a long way to go. I’m looking forward to it… For what it’s worth, I’m not suicidal, never have been. My husband was. I am well acquainted with it. Hopefully, over time, I can begin to tell my story. Sometimes it might be just fragments. Sometimes it might be a whole part of my story. For me, sexual abuse was my original trauma. I have had others. My marriage was very traumatic. My first childbirt was very traumatic. And, I lived in Panama during the breif war there (my husband is military-high up in the Pentagon, now; me and my three children were there during the fighting. I haven’t enjoyed Christmas since then. it’s been eight years and I still remember the rockets, gunfire, mortar, my house being strafed while me and the kids were in it, alone, because the husband was at "work". Ironic, we were the heaviest hit, while he was safe and sound and flakjacketed. For those of you that don’t already know it- our lovely United States of America the GREATEST nation in the world–all those wonderful lofty ideals we were all raised to believe, remember? Well, it is all horseshit!!! They don’t give a flying fuck about any one of us. WE ARE EXPENDABLE. Yup, even women and small children at Christmas. You don’t know how hard it was to have to tell my children that they wouldn’t be getting any gifts that year because Santa didn’t have a bulletproof sleigh. I have to stop, I’ll just get all upset- Isay this as I sit here crying. I just can’t seem to get over the Panama thing. And Christmas is especially hard. I used to love Christmas until we all came withina hairsbreadth of losing our lives over an obscure issue that no one ever made too clear about Manuel Noriega and his politics. I think about the men and civilians that died during my little war, GOD, it breaks my heart. It’s hard to celebrate when I’m mourning every year. Santa hasn’t found us yet…) anyway, someday, maybe, I can tell the Panama story along with all the rest. By the way, Panama is a beautiful country, I loved being there(except for the war…) and it makes me mad as hell that Jimmy Carter signed that damned treaty to give the Canal back. My family nearly lost their lives down there, I feel like I have a vested interest in that country! Thanx for listening. GOD bless and take care, Gay Marie
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