Question:
I hear you, sister! As you speak, I feel it in my soul too. I’m so tired of the tirades and the constant baby tantrums. I think I am driving my husband further and further away with each eposide…soooo…I try to medicate and mucho therpay to ‘fix’ me. But, it’s strange, because I just love all the other borderlines posting here 
I hate these things in myself, but love them in all of you. Hang in there. This is the toughest, darkest, crappiest stuff I’ve ever had to deal with. Unearthing all of the sludge that goes along with borderline can be hard work. Hang in there…people tell me that there’s an end in sight. kathy
Response:
On Sat, 17 Mar 2001 18:31:50 +1100, Kaji/Karenji <k…@labyrinth.net.au> wrote: >I just read the ‘borderline’ thread… are we really such horrible >people as that?
Not all borderlines are/act the same. >I don’t want to hurt people… I know I cling to them and I cling to >John and I need them… but I NEED them to care about me and I need them >to be there and I need them to love me and look after me. >I don’t want to manipulate them… I don’t like myself when I scream at >them… I don’t like myself when we fight… I don’t like myself when I >do stupid babyish borderline things like throwing tantrums and >overreacting and being scared to move.
You ought to read a lot of info on BPD…"PTSD/borderlines in therapy–finding the balance" by Jerome Kroll. "Imbroglio–rising to the challenges of borderline personality disorder" by Janice M. Cauwells is excellent. >I worry about my fiance… can he take me? He talks to me every single >day and he says he knows what I’m like and how to manage me and that he >can deal with me… but I worry that he doesn’t really know what I’m >like. My family had no choice but to take it – John doesn’t.
He might be a fixer, a caretaker. Once you get a lot better, he might have to re-define his relationship to you. Once I gained some independence (functioning ability), my husband had a hard time not taking care of me for every little thing. >I don’t want to destroy our relationship… I don’t want to hurt him. >I love him too much… >but is what I have love or dependency? I don’t know…
For years I missed the fact that my therp said that I was attached to my husband. Attached. Attached. Hmmmm. This past year I suddenly knew what he meant. Attached, but didn’t love. I was afraid to let myself feel vulnerable enough to love him because I might get hurt. It’s something that can definitely be worked on. It’s ok. >I do not understand myself and I never WILL understand myself…
You will, just you wait and see. >all I know is that I hate being me.
Having BPD is extremely difficult, agonizing, and heart-breaking. Battling a pd takes tremendous courage and hard hard work. It’s worth it. It’s worth it. –Tezza
Response:
Karen – Can you accept the affirmation inherent in being loved by someone you love. That means you are loveable and that, whatever else you are, you are also a good person. Try and see yourself as John sees you – a good good person who doesn’t deserve to suffer so much. xox Victoria – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> From: Kaji/Karenji <k…@labyrinth.net.au> > Organization: What? Me Organised… > Newsgroups: alt.support.personality > Date: Sat, 17 Mar 2001 18:31:50 +1100 > Subject: Are we really such horrible people? > I just read the ‘borderline’ thread… are we really such horrible > people as that? > I don’t want to hurt people… I know I cling to them and I cling to > John and I need them… but I NEED them to care about me and I need them > to be there and I need them to love me and look after me. > I don’t want to manipulate them… I don’t like myself when I scream at > them… I don’t like myself when we fight… I don’t like myself when I > do stupid babyish borderline things like throwing tantrums and > overreacting and being scared to move. > I worry about my fiance… can he take me? He talks to me every single > day and he says he knows what I’m like and how to manage me and that he > can deal with me… but I worry that he doesn’t really know what I’m > like. My family had no choice but to take it – John doesn’t. > I don’t want to destroy our relationship… I don’t want to hurt him. > I love him too much… > but is what I have love or dependency? I don’t know… I do not > understand myself and I never WILL understand myself… all I know is > that I hate being me. > Karen > — > Kaji/Karenji – dragon/human/kitty Shifter depending on mood… > Beloved of Jaggath, friend and guardian to Krystal the pocket Dragon > Wingsister to Hespa, Viri, Tanith, Dalcya and Aurry > Come visit my Celebrations website at http://Kajikit.netfirms.com/ > Love and huggles to all!
Response:
I just read the ‘borderline’ thread… are we really such horrible people as that? I don’t want to hurt people… I know I cling to them and I cling to John and I need them… but I NEED them to care about me and I need them to be there and I need them to love me and look after me. I don’t want to manipulate them… I don’t like myself when I scream at them… I don’t like myself when we fight… I don’t like myself when I do stupid babyish borderline things like throwing tantrums and overreacting and being scared to move. I worry about my fiance… can he take me? He talks to me every single day and he says he knows what I’m like and how to manage me and that he can deal with me… but I worry that he doesn’t really know what I’m like. My family had no choice but to take it – John doesn’t. I don’t want to destroy our relationship… I don’t want to hurt him. I love him too much… but is what I have love or dependency? I don’t know… I do not understand myself and I never WILL understand myself… all I know is that I hate being me. Karen — Kaji/Karenji – dragon/human/kitty Shifter depending on mood… Beloved of Jaggath, friend and guardian to Krystal the pocket Dragon Wingsister to Hespa, Viri, Tanith, Dalcya and Aurry Come visit my Celebrations website at http://Kajikit.netfirms.com/ Love and huggles to all!
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