Question:
I’ve been reading this newsgroup for several years and just now have the ability to post. I feel like I know a lot of you already and hope that I can share myself with you guys as well as help and be helped. I do have one question for my initial post. I have recently moved back to the city where my parents live and am discovering how much I feel they contribute to my "recurring depression". I hate blaming people, but I have a rough time in my relationship with them. One side of me thinks they are supportive (about concrete issues such as finances, cars, careers, etc) but really can’t/don’t/are unable to/be supportive without making things worse). They can really crawl up my butt about some really personal and sensitive issues and I hate spending time with them but they are so nice (outwardly) that I think I must be crazy. Does anyone else feel that their relationship with the people that raised them adds to their illness? Thanks for being here…all of you!! Carol
Response:
I have recently moved back to the city where my parents live and am discovering how much I feel they contribute to my "recurring depression". I hate blaming people, but I have a rough time in my relationship with them.
I am, at the moment, *living* with my parents…….sheeeesh. They’re wonderful people. They help me, they love me, they’re always there. If I say anything less than wonderful about them, I’ll probably go straight to Hell. (Hey! At least I’ll be out of the house!) While I certainly can’t blame anyone else for my depression (which has also been diagnosed as recurrent), dealing with my parents can do away with what little self-esteem I have in a matter of seconds. They can make me feel totally powerless with what seems like no effort whatsoever. (BUT, in shrink-speak : No one can make you feel bad/sad/mad/whatever unless you allow them to….) One side of me thinks they are supportive (about concrete issues such as finances, cars, careers, etc) but really can’t/don’t/are unable to/be supportive without making things worse).
At various times, my parents have had to help me with these same things. (I’ve been financially-challenged, vehicularly-challenged, etc…) But, while I really do need and appreciate the assistance, the very act of accepting their help leaves me feeling "taken care of" and less of a person. I think our parents/families often want to help, but don’t realize how much more we really need from them than just the tangible "things". This is just my opinion, but, I think they really don’t know what to do to be supportive. I don’t think they’re able to give us the support we need because they would have to acknowledge things they would rather not see. They’re in a sort of denial or avoidance (more shrink talk) about how serious our emotional needs are…… And they’re afraid that our "defects" might reflect negatively on them. They can really crawl up my butt about some really personal and sensitive issues and I hate spending time with them but they are so nice (outwardly) that I think I must be crazy. Does anyone else feel that their relationship with the people that raised them adds to their illness?
I think parents think that because they’re helping you and being supportive, that gives them free reign over all aspects of your life. I know mine get into issues that are *definitely* none of their business. But, because they’re so involved in being caring and supportive of you (whether financially or emotionally), they assume their opinions and thoughts are needed in every aspect of your life. Maybe they think helping gives them the right to "help" with everything in our lives? Maybe our needing their support reawakens old patterns of parent-child interaction? I guess what I’m spending too much time trying to say is this – No, you’re not the only one who feels that their relationship with their parents plays a part in the recurrence of their depression. (If only they could hear themselves through our ears….) Any, yes, I feel guilty about feeling that way……wonder if I’m just a bitch for not wanting to go home……not wanting to face more of feeling like I’ve got no control in my life……I mean, they really are nice, caring people. They do care, just not enough to try to see how they could REALLY help me – not with concrete things, but to feel better about myself in the long run. Sasha — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
Response:
I am, at the moment, *living* with my parents…….sheeeesh. They’re wonderful people. They help me, they love me, they’re always there. If I say anything less than wonderful about them, I’ll probably go straight to Hell. (Hey! At least I’ll be out of the house!) While I certainly can’t blame anyone else for my depression (which has also been diagnosed as recurrent), dealing with my parents can do away with what little self-esteem I have in a matter of seconds. They can make me feel totally powerless with what seems like no effort whatsoever. (BUT, in shrink-speak : No one can make you feel bad/sad/mad/whatever unless you allow them to….)
Carol writes back: Boy, can I identify with what you have responded with! I agree that no one can make me feel anything (I try not to give that intimate power away when I can help it). My family does have this special gift of catching me off guard though (otherwise known as a "zinger"). I never know when they will be supportive or when a "zinger" is about to come my way. This is what drives me crazy (and into therapy). At various times, my parents have had to help me with these same things. (I’ve been financially-challenged, vehicularly-challenged, etc…) But, while I really do need and appreciate the assistance, the very act of accepting their help leaves me feeling "taken care of" and less of a person. I think our parents/families often want to help, but don’t realize how much more we really need from them than just the tangible "things". This is just my opinion, but, I think they really don’t know what to do to be supportive. I don’t think they’re able to give us the support we need because they would have to acknowledge things they would rather not see. They’re in a sort of denial or avoidance (more shrink talk) about how serious our emotional needs are…… And they’re afraid that our "defects" might reflect negatively on them.
More feedback from Carol… Talk about major denial. When I do bring something up I get a "what are you talking about?" response. Sometimes I’ve wondered if they really believe that things that really did happen didn’t. Sometimes I cannot imagine them not remembering something that was so vivid and tramatic to me. Of course if they were to admit it, they would have to admit that have bigger problems than just a 30 something daughter w/depression. I think parents think that because they’re helping you and being supportive, that gives them free reign over all aspects of your life. I know mine get into issues that are *definitely* none of their business. But, because they’re so involved in being caring and supportive of you (whether financially or emotionally), they assume their opinions and thoughts are needed in every aspect of your life. Maybe they think helping gives them the right to "help" with everything in our lives? Maybe our needing their support reawakens old patterns of parent-child interaction?
Carol, again with her 2 cents: You said it! I get the "we did this for you, so you should do that" response. I guess what I’m spending too much time trying to say is this – No, you’re not the only one who feels that their relationship with their parents plays a part in the recurrence of their depression. (If only they could hear themselves through our ears….) Any, yes, I feel guilty about feeling that way……wonder if I’m just a bitch for not wanting to go home……not wanting to face more of feeling like I’ve got no control in my life……I mean, they really are nice, caring people. They do care, just not enough to try to see how they could REALLY help me – not with concrete things, but to feel better about myself in the long run.
Carol… "If only they could hear themselves through our ears…" says it all. I wish, I wish, I wish. ’Course, they probably wish the same. Sasha Carol
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I’ve been reading this newsgroup for several years and just now have the ability to post. I feel like I know a lot of you already and hope that I can share myself with you guys as well as help and be helped. I do have one question for my initial post. I have recently moved back to the city where my parents live and am discovering how much I feel they contribute to my "recurring depression". I hate blaming people, but I have a rough time in my relationship with them. One side of me thinks they are supportive (about concrete issues such as finances, cars, careers, etc) but really can’t/don’t/are unable to/be supportive without making things worse). They can really crawl up my butt about some really personal and sensitive issues and I hate spending time with them but they are so nice (outwardly) that I think I must be crazy. Does anyone else feel that their relationship with the people that raised them adds to their illness? Thanks for being here…all of you!! Carol
Hi Carol. Congrats for posting! As to your question, absolutley. That’s why I have move to DC where my parents currently live and am going to family therapy with them every Monday evening. I know my parent’s have cared about me, but they just didn’t know how to express it in a helpful way or how to help rather than harm. But things are really gettin better now. I can spend time with them without feeling anxious and uncomfortable and angry and guilty for being angry and…. And knowing that I can get along with my parents has taken one big load off of me. I still have other issues of course, but finally working out my problems with my parents has given me the freedom to work on these issues as well. The amazing theng about the family therapy is how responsive my parents are. They really want to do what is best. They just didn’t realize that they hadn’t been doing the right thing or at least had no idea what else to do. But now they are learning and they are trying really hard to change. And so am I. (I have to take some responsibility here.) Anyway, welcome to the (visible) group. many hugs, hannah "It’s hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head." Sally Kempton
Response:
I’ve been reading this newsgroup for several years and just now have the ability to post. I feel like I know a lot of you already and hope that I can share myself with you guys as well as help and be helped.
WOW, a "several year" lurker delurks herself!!!! There should be a prize or something. I do have one question for my initial post. I have recently moved back to the city where my parents live and am discovering how much I feel they contribute to my "recurring depression".
I just finished a really good book called "The Family Crucible". You might want to check it out. Here is the description from my post titled "My Book List". Author: Augustus Y. Napier, with Carl A. Whitaker Title: The family crucible Publisher: Harper & Row, 1978 Comments: An easy to read look at a family in the process of family therapy. Very good for me personally. Helps to understand how family members, as a system, can all unconciously conspire to maintain each other in roles that none of them actually want to play. For instance, why would ALL of the members of a family actually encourage a child to become depressed and to "act out", even while they ALL say they don’t like the situation?? If you don’t know the answer to this question, you might want to read this book. Similar in some ways to The Dance of Intimacy. (Stewart) Sincerely Stewart — The Metaphor Man
Response:
As to your question, absolutley. That’s why I have move to DC where my parents currently live and am going to family therapy with them every Monday evening. I know my parent’s have cared about me, but they just didn’t know how to express it in a helpful way or how to help rather than harm. But things are really gettin better now. I can spend time with them without feeling anxious and uncomfortable and angry and guilty for being angry and…. And knowing that I can get along with my parents has taken one big load off of me. I still have other issues of course, but finally working out my problems with my parents has given me the freedom to work on these issues as well.
Totally cool Hannah. I am so happy for you, and for you family. If you ever get a chance to read the book "The Family Crucible", I’d be interested in your opinion of it. Sincerely Stewart — The Metaphor Man
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I’ve been reading this newsgroup for several years and just now have the ability to post. I feel like I know a lot of you already and hope that I can share myself with you guys as well as help and be helped. I do have one question for my initial post. I have recently moved back to the city where my parents live and am discovering how much I feel they contribute to my "recurring depression". Does anyone else feel that their relationship with the people that raised them adds to their illness? Thanks for being here…all of you!! Carol
Yes, I feel that way. But in my case, it’s for good reason. I, too, recently moved back to my birthplace after 23 years away … more than 1,000 miles away! My life began when I left here. I gained enough emotional distance to see my youth in its proper perspective. Years of therapy after my original move (away) helped that process. Not only did my family of origin "add to" my illness, but it caused it. I suffered PTSD, which about five years later turned into clinical depression. Your situation is no doubt different from mine. But while I was growing up, I couldn’t see these things at all. The worst of environments we grow up in are "normal" for us at the time. Anyway, returning *can* bring it all back. And since we’ve been away from that environment, the triggers – even the small, nonverbal ones – can be powerful. I’ve worked some of them out – or at least have learned to negotiate them (akin to sidestepping landmines) – as I’ve been here 8 months now. If you’ve never had a therapist guide you through your past, helping you to understand its impact, I’d strongly suggest you try it. From your post, I gather your triggers are much more subtle than mine. But the feelings you express are caused by *something* there. I hope something I’ve said helps. Best of luck to you. Keep us posted, OK? Sincerely, redroad (I hope this gets posted. My news server has been acting up lately, with some posts delayed for days at a time) <argh! — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
Response:
I know how you feel. When I get mad at my dad for some of the insensitive things he says, he says he’s just trying to help me and that I can’t handle "constructive criticism" as he likes to call it. I call it verbal abuse. Jen. — http://www.geocities.com/SunsetStrip/8769 
Mania is when you feel like the greatest person in the world. 
Depression is when you find out that you’re really not.
Response:
I know how you feel. When I get mad at my dad for some of the insensitive things he says, he says he’s just trying to help me and that I can’t handle "constructive criticism" as he likes to call it. I call it verbal abuse.
Nodnodnod. My dad hurts me horribly, without meaning to do so, yet gets mad when I let him know. On my 35th birthday, my folks took me out to dinner, and he asks, out of the blue, "So when are you getting married? You know 35 is the cutoff for such things." At this point in my life I’d never had as much as a date, or a kiss, and I told him that if he said another word I was walking out of the restaurant. What they don’t know was that I don’t know if I’d have caught a bus home, or caught a bus to the George Washington Bridge, for a dive. It hurt that much. Twice this year he told me that when he was my age he was married with two kids. The first time I just ignored him. The second I said "What can I say? I’m just a loser; nobody wants me." I think he finally caught on. We get along well, but he just can’t see how much he hurts me. Ed
Response:
I know how you feel. When I get mad at my dad for some of the insensitive things he says, he says he’s just trying to help me and that I can’t handle "constructive criticism" as he likes to call it. I call it verbal abuse. Nodnodnod. My dad hurts me horribly, without meaning to do so, yet gets mad when I let him know.
Ed Oh, no! And here I am about to move 2,000 miles after 19 years away to be near my parents. My Dad helped me learn to accept "constructive criticism," but has problems understanding where being funny ends and emotional abuse begins. And my Mom doesn’t acknowledge her untreated depression, and erupts with fury over nothing. I won’t be surprised if I end up back in therapy again after I move. Sharon Campbell
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I know how you feel. When I get mad at my dad for some of the insensitive things he says, he says he’s just trying to help me and that I can’t handle "constructive criticism" as he likes to call it. I call it verbal abuse. Nodnodnod. My dad hurts me horribly, without meaning to do so, yet gets mad when I let him know. Ed Oh, no! And here I am about to move 2,000 miles after 19 years away to be near my parents. My Dad helped me learn to accept "constructive criticism," but has problems understanding where being funny ends and emotional abuse begins. And my Mom doesn’t acknowledge her untreated depression, and erupts with fury over nothing. I won’t be surprised if I end up back in therapy again after I move. Sharon Campbell
Carol’s reply: Sounds like a lot of people get "good contructive critisism" that hurts. Once I start therapy again and get to the family issues, I plan on inviting mom and dad to come with me to work on this issue. If they want to understand and want to help, I think that they would at least want to come to therapy to improve our relationship. They have told me in the past that they don’t believe in therapy because they don’t have any problems that they would need "that kind of help with, however, if I need it, I should go, not them." (scared or something mom? Think there might be a little problem you might have that the doctor might see… huh?). I’m so tired of having to carry this around with me. I’m not dragging them to therapy with me to find out if they have a problem, I’m going to therapy to let them know yes, I have a problem, and this is how to help me. Hang in there and I will let you know how things are going. Thanks, Carol
Response:
Very familiar stories…
If you like this post and would like to receive updates from this blog, please subscribe our feed.