Question:
I don’t know why but I’ve been really anxious these past few days. I can teach my class (and even stand up in front of them and draw diagrams on the whiteboard [which I never used to be able to do]), but all the paperwork BS at the college is making me anxious. I felt really hurried trying to get all this BS paperwork done and I’m sure it showed. I was rude to someone at the college. I’m planning on apologizing to her, in person, next week. I figure an email apology isn’t much of an apology. Hope everyone has a calm, collected weekend (it’s Friday morning here in Los Angeles).
I teach at the local community college and agree that a face-to-face apology is the way to go. Try to keep it light and maybe say you were having an unusually rough day and she just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time when the paperwork finally got to you.. Don’t worry too much about it. We think the other person is thinking about what we said to them, when often they’ve forgotten about it. It will all work out. Hang in there. And yeah, the paperwork is BS. Sheldon — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
::(dealing with PTSD rage on Friday afternoon in San Diego) I`m sorry to hear this. Are you doing better today? I hope so. (((((Deirdre))))) Jackie ~*~There are two ways of meeting difficulties: you alter the difficulties or you alter yourself meeting them~*~ ~~Phyllis Bottome — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
"Jacqueline" wrote ::(dealing with PTSD rage on Friday afternoon in San Diego) I`m sorry to hear this. Are you doing better today? I hope so. (((((Deirdre))))) Jackie
Hi Jackie, I was feeling a lot better by the time I went to sleep last night, but I woke up this morning with some anxiety poking at me. I’m going to tell a short version of something that happened to me 37 years ago. I need to post a warning first — I will be talking about sexual assault and the resulting emotional disorders, but I will refrain from any graphic descriptions. So if anyone feels they can’t deal with reading it today, stop here. # # # # # # # # # Okay. When I was 15 I went on my first "car date" with a guy named Jim. He was 18 and went to a different high school in my hometown. He said we were going to go bowling but we never got there. He parked in an uninhabited area where there were other cars parked. We were making out and I thought I was the luckiest girl alive — he was so handsome, and I was a chubby brainiac with glasses. But he pushed me down and raped me. Didn’t matter that I kept saying no. He called me a lot of accusatory names, making me believe it was my fault. He hurt me badly, and humiliated me, and then dropped me. I didn’t tell anyone about it for many years. I found out this week that he lives about 2 hours from me. Keep in mind, I moved halfway across the continent. Turns out, he did too. There’s nothing to be read in that — lots of Iowans defected to California. Anyway, knowing he was alive and not far away brought up huge wells of rage and fear that made me want to do him major harm. Which, in turn, made me feel physically ill to the point where I could not drive to my therapy appointment. I called Gauri (my therapist) and after I told her what was going on we had our session on the phone. She asked a lot of diagnostic questions and said it sounds like PTSD. After doing a lot of reading on the web about PTSD yesterday I completely agree. Since the rape, I have had major depression, occasionally suicidal (not for many years, I’m glad to report), compulsive overeating, substance abuse, my tendency to be quickly startled or angered, and a long line of unhealthy relationships. And, of course, the increasing anxiety over the last couple of years. My history, plus my detailed memories of the rape that, once remembered play over and over in my head, plus my terrible reaction to knowing where he is — all lead to the diagnosis of PTSD. Gauri and I will be using a new kind of CBT based on a book called "Seeking Safety". If anyone knows about this, I’d love to hear from you, either on the board or in email. What makes this new as I understand it, is that PTSD and substance abuse used to be treated as separate problems, and this therapy treats them together. I haven’t done any dangerous drugs for many years, but the fact that I went through years of it means substance abuse is in me. Anyway, there we are. That’s why I answered the unofficial QOTD about opposite sex issues the way I did — I was in the middle of madness. After a couple of klonopin, a long nap in the afternoon, and an easy dinner, I felt much better last night. Today I still have the headache that came on a couple of days ago, and I’m trying to use breathing exercises to fend off the creeping anxiety. This is not a situation that will go away in a short time. It pisses me off that something that happened so long ago is now disrupting my life. I thought I had worked it all through in therapy in the last 10 years or so. But the rage has been bubbling just under the surface for a long time, and now it’s coming out and I’m trying very hard not to be a pain in the patootie to people around me. I didn’t want to tell Mom about this current upsurge, but she was worried so I emphasized the optimism I feel about therapy. Well, this was long. Anyway, you all now know what I’m in the middle of right now. Thanks for reading. Love to all Deirdre — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
"stepdawn" wrote <snipped for brevity – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Deirdre, I am so very sorry that this awful thing happened to you. You are very brave to face your fears and begin working on this, braver than I am. I also had a similar situation happen to me at 15–with two boys 18, and 20. I have always denied that it bothered me. Your post makes me wonder if that is the best approach, even if I am not feeling overtly traumatized. Please keep us updated on this therapy and how it works. I think you have every right to feel angry and I hope that you find the healing you need and deserve. Please don’t hesitate to contact me off the group anytime you need to talk. ((((((((((((Deirdre)))))))))))) Love, Dawn
Thank you so much for your sympathetic support. I am SO sorry you had that happen to you. I don’t know what to tell you about seeking therapy specifically regarding your rape. Some women can grow past it and get on with life. Others can’t. I don’t remember if you’re getting regular therapy now or not, but if you are, you might just talk to your therapist about it and see how you feel. I do know that PTSD can erupt any time after the trauma. Maybe an ounce of prevention? Only you can decide this. I will report my progress as necessary. I think it could be scary for me, but I have to learn to deal with this. (((((((((Dawn)))))))) Love Deirdre — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
Hi, Deirdre, No, I really haven’t taken any time to see anything good about me. I feel so worn out that it’s takes so much energy to just get off the couch today. I’ll try to say some nice and reassuring things to myself. Anything to make it through this day… smiles, Elise – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Thank you so much, Elise. And I’m sorry to read in the ‘melt down’ thread that you’re having a bad time right now. Meds changes are sometimes so rocky. I hope your adjustment and improvement come quickly. I always look forward to your "smiles" signoff — have you tried smiling at yourself in the mirror? Really look into your own eyes and think reassuring thoughts, and smile until you feel it deep down. I appreciate you so much. (((Elise))) Deirdre — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
– The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – "Jacqueline" wrote ::(dealing with PTSD rage on Friday afternoon in San Diego) I`m sorry to hear this. Are you doing better today? I hope so. (((((Deirdre))))) Jackie Hi Jackie, I was feeling a lot better by the time I went to sleep last night, but I woke up this morning with some anxiety poking at me. I’m going to tell a short version of something that happened to me 37 years ago. I need to post a warning first — I will be talking about sexual assault and the resulting emotional disorders, but I will refrain from any graphic descriptions. So if anyone feels they can’t deal with reading it today, stop here. # # # # # # # # # Okay. When I was 15 I went on my first "car date" with a guy named Jim. He was 18 and went to a different high school in my hometown. He said we were going to go bowling but we never got there. He parked in an uninhabited area where there were other cars parked. We were making out and I thought I was the luckiest girl alive — he was so handsome, and I was a chubby brainiac with glasses. But he pushed me down and raped me. Didn’t matter that I kept saying no. He called me a lot of accusatory names, making me believe it was my fault. He hurt me badly, and humiliated me, and then dropped me. I didn’t tell anyone about it for many years. I found out this week that he lives about 2 hours from me. Keep in mind, I moved halfway across the continent. Turns out, he did too. There’s nothing to be read in that — lots of Iowans defected to California. Anyway, knowing he was alive and not far away brought up huge wells of rage and fear that made me want to do him major harm. Which, in turn, made me feel physically ill to the point where I could not drive to my therapy appointment. I called Gauri (my therapist) and after I told her what was going on we had our session on the phone. She asked a lot of diagnostic questions and said it sounds like PTSD. After doing a lot of reading on the web about PTSD yesterday I completely agree. Since the rape, I have had major depression, occasionally suicidal (not for many years, I’m glad to report), compulsive overeating, substance abuse, my tendency to be quickly startled or angered, and a long line of unhealthy relationships. And, of course, the increasing anxiety over the last couple of years. My history, plus my detailed memories of the rape that, once remembered play over and over in my head, plus my terrible reaction to knowing where he is — all lead to the diagnosis of PTSD. Gauri and I will be using a new kind of CBT based on a book called "Seeking Safety". If anyone knows about this, I’d love to hear from you, either on the board or in email. What makes this new as I understand it, is that PTSD and substance abuse used to be treated as separate problems, and this therapy treats them together. I haven’t done any dangerous drugs for many years, but the fact that I went through years of it means substance abuse is in me. Anyway, there we are. That’s why I answered the unofficial QOTD about opposite sex issues the way I did — I was in the middle of madness. After a couple of klonopin, a long nap in the afternoon, and an easy dinner, I felt much better last night. Today I still have the headache that came on a couple of days ago, and I’m trying to use breathing exercises to fend off the creeping anxiety. This is not a situation that will go away in a short time. It pisses me off that something that happened so long ago is now disrupting my life. I thought I had worked it all through in therapy in the last 10 years or so. But the rage has been bubbling just under the surface for a long time, and now it’s coming out and I’m trying very hard not to be a pain in the patootie to people around me. I didn’t want to tell Mom about this current upsurge, but she was worried so I emphasized the optimism I feel about therapy. Well, this was long. Anyway, you all now know what I’m in the middle of right now. Thanks for reading. Love to all Deirdre
Deirdre, I am so very sorry that this awful thing happened to you. You are very brave to face your fears and begin working on this, braver than I am. I also had a similar situation happen to me at 15–with two boys 18, and 20. I have always denied that it bothered me. Your post makes me wonder if that is the best approach, even if I am not feeling overtly traumatized. Please keep us updated on this therapy and how it works. I think you have every right to feel angry and I hope that you find the healing you need and deserve. Please don’t hesitate to contact me off the group anytime you need to talk. ((((((((((((Deirdre)))))))))))) Love, Dawn — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
"Philip Peters" wrote
<snip – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Well, this was long. Anyway, you all now know what I’m in the middle of right now. Thanks for reading. Love to all Deirdre I can imagine that this whole thing is most disconcerting. It’s as if the past intruded into the present to haunt you. On the upside this may become a blessing in disguise as you can now work on your PTSD (cognitive therapy *and* some of that mysterious EMDR, somehow it often works for PTSD). I am not familiar with the book you mentionYou may just come out of this better than you went into it. (((Deirdre))) Philip
I do love your optimism, Philip. You’re very encouraging. ((( Philip ))) D. — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
"Philip Peters" wrote – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – happen to anyone. But it happens ALL the time. I didn’t really identify this as rape at the time — he really convinced me it was my fault. But a few years passed and as the truth about rape and rapists became more accessible and more talked-about, I realized that was exactly what this was. I said NO and he did it anyway. That’s rape. Oh yes, it is. I know I have the option of bring a civil suit against him, but honestly I don’t know if I could afford both the attorney’s fees AND the emotional distress. I hope therapy can help me dilute this rage, avoid it, something — it’s really eating at me right now. Love, D. The past has already happened and you can’t change it. But you *can* change the way you look at it, the way you’re dealing with it. And that is *here and now* and solution-oriented. It’s very easy to completely understand and emphatize with your rage and grief but a *good* CB-therapy will teach you how to handle this. Philip
Thank you, Philip. I appreciate your support and optimism very much. I am hoping therapy will help me find a solution other than revenge. It’s been the desire for revenge that has fueled my rage, and since rage is unhealthy for me, it follows that I must find something other than revenge to get me feeling better again. Deirdre — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
"weeks" wrote – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – ((((((Deirdre) I’m glad that you are feeling a bit better by now. That was wonderful that your therapist was willing to have the session over the phone. Sounds like you probably really needed to talk at that time. How awful this situation was for you. I understand why you responded the way you did with the unofficial QOTD. When I read your response I sort of figured there was more to the question that you asked. I hope you benefit much from this therapy you will be receiving. I’ve never heard of this book "Seeking Safety" but hope you are able to gain much from its contents. Please keep us updated on how it goes for you… smiles, Elise
Thank you so much, Elise. And I’m sorry to read in the ‘melt down’ thread that you’re having a bad time right now. Meds changes are sometimes so rocky. I hope your adjustment and improvement come quickly. I always look forward to your "smiles" signoff — have you tried smiling at yourself in the mirror? Really look into your own eyes and think reassuring thoughts, and smile until you feel it deep down. I appreciate you so much. (((Elise))) Deirdre — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
{{{{{{{Deirdre}}}}}}} I had a similar situation when I was 14. Raped by three boys I knew. I also have PTSD. My old pDoc thinks that I bottled it up and went on with my life. He said it had to come out some way, some how, and it finally did in 1984. I haven’t told anyone about the rape either so no one was ever arrested. I hope you can work through this with your therapist. I know how you feel.
Di, have you ever worked on this systematically with a *good* CB-therapist (who possibly also uses EMDR)? It may be responsible for most of your panic/anxiety. 14 years old and raped by three boys… it beggars belief. One wonders how rapists can live with themselves. Philip — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
((((((Deirdre) I’m glad that you are feeling a bit better by now. That was wonderful that your therapist was willing to have the session over the phone. Sounds like you probably really needed to talk at that time. How awful this situation was for you. I understand why you responded the way you did with the unofficial QOTD. When I read your response I sort of figured there was more to the question that you asked. I hope you benefit much from this therapy you will be receiving. I’ve never heard of this book "Seeking Safety" but hope you are able to gain much from its contents. Please keep us updated on how it goes for you… smiles, Elise – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Okay. When I was 15 I went on my first "car date" with a guy named Jim. He was 18 and went to a different high school in my hometown. He said we were going to go bowling but we never got there. He parked in an uninhabited area where there were other cars parked. We were making out and I thought I was the luckiest girl alive — he was so handsome, and I was a chubby brainiac with glasses. But he pushed me down and raped me. Didn’t matter that I kept saying no. He called me a lot of accusatory names, making me believe it was my fault. He hurt me badly, and humiliated me, and then dropped me. I didn’t tell anyone about it for many years. I found out this week that he lives about 2 hours from me. Keep in mind, I moved halfway across the continent. Turns out, he did too. There’s nothing to be read in that — lots of Iowans defected to California. Anyway, knowing he was alive and not far away brought up huge wells of rage and fear that made me want to do him major harm. Which, in turn, made me feel physically ill to the point where I could not drive to my therapy appointment. I called Gauri (my therapist) and after I told her what was going on we had our session on the phone. She asked a lot of diagnostic questions and said it sounds like PTSD. After doing a lot of reading on the web about PTSD yesterday I completely agree. Since the rape, I have had major depression, occasionally suicidal (not for many years, I’m glad to report), compulsive overeating, substance abuse, my tendency to be quickly startled or angered, and a long line of unhealthy relationships. And, of course, the increasing anxiety over the last couple of years. My history, plus my detailed memories of the rape that, once remembered play over and over in my head, plus my terrible reaction to knowing where he is — all lead to the diagnosis of PTSD. Gauri and I will be using a new kind of CBT based on a book called "Seeking Safety". If anyone knows about this, I’d love to hear from you, either on the board or in email. What makes this new as I understand it, is that PTSD and substance abuse used to be treated as separate problems, and this therapy treats them together. I haven’t done any dangerous drugs for many years, but the fact that I went through years of it means substance abuse is in me. Anyway, there we are. That’s why I answered the unofficial QOTD about opposite sex issues the way I did — I was in the middle of madness. After a couple of klonopin, a long nap in the afternoon, and an easy dinner, I felt much better last night. Today I still have the headache that came on a couple of days ago, and I’m trying to use breathing exercises to fend off the creeping anxiety. This is not a situation that will go away in a short time. It pisses me off that something that happened so long ago is now disrupting my life. I thought I had worked it all through in therapy in the last 10 years or so. But the rage has been bubbling just under the surface for a long time, and now it’s coming out and I’m trying very hard not to be a pain in the patootie to people around me. I didn’t want to tell Mom about this current upsurge, but she was worried so I emphasized the optimism I feel about therapy. Well, this was long. Anyway, you all now know what I’m in the middle of right now. Thanks for reading. Love to all Deirdre — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
– The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – "Jacqueline" wrote ::(dealing with PTSD rage on Friday afternoon in San Diego) I`m sorry to hear this. Are you doing better today? I hope so. (((((Deirdre))))) Jackie Hi Jackie, I was feeling a lot better by the time I went to sleep last night, but I woke up this morning with some anxiety poking at me. I’m going to tell a short version of something that happened to me 37 years ago. I need to post a warning first — I will be talking about sexual assault and the resulting emotional disorders, but I will refrain from any graphic descriptions. So if anyone feels they can’t deal with reading it today, stop here. # # # # # # # # # Okay. When I was 15 I went on my first "car date" with a guy named Jim. He was 18 and went to a different high school in my hometown. He said we were going to go bowling but we never got there. He parked in an uninhabited area where there were other cars parked. We were making out and I thought I was the luckiest girl alive — he was so handsome, and I was a chubby brainiac with glasses. But he pushed me down and raped me. Didn’t matter that I kept saying no. He called me a lot of accusatory names, making me believe it was my fault. He hurt me badly, and humiliated me, and then dropped me. I didn’t tell anyone about it for many years. I found out this week that he lives about 2 hours from me. Keep in mind, I moved halfway across the continent. Turns out, he did too. There’s nothing to be read in that — lots of Iowans defected to California. Anyway, knowing he was alive and not far away brought up huge wells of rage and fear that made me want to do him major harm. Which, in turn, made me feel physically ill to the point where I could not drive to my therapy appointment. I called Gauri (my therapist) and after I told her what was going on we had our session on the phone. She asked a lot of diagnostic questions and said it sounds like PTSD. After doing a lot of reading on the web about PTSD yesterday I completely agree. Since the rape, I have had major depression, occasionally suicidal (not for many years, I’m glad to report), compulsive overeating, substance abuse, my tendency to be quickly startled or angered, and a long line of unhealthy relationships. And, of course, the increasing anxiety over the last couple of years. My history, plus my detailed memories of the rape that, once remembered play over and over in my head, plus my terrible reaction to knowing where he is — all lead to the diagnosis of PTSD. Gauri and I will be using a new kind of CBT based on a book called "Seeking Safety". If anyone knows about this, I’d love to hear from you, either on the board or in email. What makes this new as I understand it, is that PTSD and substance abuse used to be treated as separate problems, and this therapy treats them together. I haven’t done any dangerous drugs for many years, but the fact that I went through years of it means substance abuse is in me. Anyway, there we are. That’s why I answered the unofficial QOTD about opposite sex issues the way I did — I was in the middle of madness. After a couple of klonopin, a long nap in the afternoon, and an easy dinner, I felt much better last night. Today I still have the headache that came on a couple of days ago, and I’m trying to use breathing exercises to fend off the creeping anxiety. This is not a situation that will go away in a short time. It pisses me off that something that happened so long ago is now disrupting my life. I thought I had worked it all through in therapy in the last 10 years or so. But the rage has been bubbling just under the surface for a long time, and now it’s coming out and I’m trying very hard not to be a pain in the patootie to people around me. I didn’t want to tell Mom about this current upsurge, but she was worried so I emphasized the optimism I feel about therapy. Well, this was long. Anyway, you all now know what I’m in the middle of right now. Thanks for reading. Love to all Deirdre
I can imagine that this whole thing is most disconcerting. It’s as if the past intruded into the present to haunt you. On the upside this may become a blessing in disguise as you can now work on your PTSD (cognitive therapy *and* some of that mysterious EMDR, somehow it often works for PTSD). I am not familiar with the book you mentionYou may just come out of this better than you went into it. (((Deirdre))) Philip — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
It should never happen to anyone. But it happens ALL the time. I didn’t really identify this as rape at the time — he really convinced me it was my fault. But a few years passed and as the truth about rape and rapists became more accessible and more talked-about, I realized that was exactly what this was. I said NO and he did it anyway. That’s rape.
Oh yes, it is. I know I have the option of bring a civil suit against him, but honestly I don’t know if I could afford both the attorney’s fees AND the emotional distress. I hope therapy can help me dilute this rage, avoid it, something — it’s really eating at me right now. Love, D.
The past has already happened and you can’t change it. But you *can* change the way you look at it, the way you’re dealing with it. And that is *here and now* and solution-oriented. It’s very easy to completely understand and emphatize with your rage and grief but a *good* CB-therapy will teach you how to handle this. Philip — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
"Diane" wrote <snipping out my previous post to prevent problems (?) {{{{{{{Deirdre}}}}}}} I had a similar situation when I was 14. Raped by three boys I knew. I also have PTSD. My old pDoc thinks that I bottled it up and went on with my life. He said it had to come out some way, some how, and it finally did in 1984. I haven’t told anyone about the rape either so no one was ever arrested. I hope you can work through this with your therapist. I know how you feel. Love, Di
((((((((Diane))))))) This shouldn’t have happened to you. It should never happen to anyone. But it happens ALL the time. I didn’t really identify this as rape at the time — he really convinced me it was my fault. But a few years passed and as the truth about rape and rapists became more accessible and more talked-about, I realized that was exactly what this was. I said NO and he did it anyway. That’s rape. I know I have the option of bring a civil suit against him, but honestly I don’t know if I could afford both the attorney’s fees AND the emotional distress. I hope therapy can help me dilute this rage, avoid it, something — it’s really eating at me right now. Love, D. — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
"Jacqueline" wrote <Gently snipped ::This is not a situation that will go away in a short time. It pisses me off ::that something that happened so long ago is now disrupting my life. <snip Dear Deirdre, Thank you for sharing this painful story with us. I hope it was cathartic in some way for you. We`ll help you the best we can to get you through this. Sending healing & peaceful thoughts your way. ((((((((((Deirdre)))))))))) Jackie
Thank you so much, Jackie. I think I just wanted everybody to understand that I’m not on steady ground much of the time these days. Just in case I start acting even LOONIER than usual <LOL. I already got a little bit snippy with somebody for really no good reason at all, but I think we patched things up. A friend recently observed that I have a big load of anger inside me. That’s probably the ugliest truth about me. (Except maybe the toenail fungus.) Like probably everyone here, I have been trying to find peace down many different paths in my life thus far. Each path teaches me something good, but I want to make the anger go away, or to take back my power over it. I’d like a little inner peace before my time is up. I think this new therapist is going to contribute in a big way. I’m way more than eager to do the work required. Thanks again ((((((((((((((Jackie)))))))))))) Deirdre — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – "Jacqueline" wrote ::(dealing with PTSD rage on Friday afternoon in San Diego) I`m sorry to hear this. Are you doing better today? I hope so. (((((Deirdre))))) Jackie Hi Jackie, I was feeling a lot better by the time I went to sleep last night, but I woke up this morning with some anxiety poking at me. I’m going to tell a short version of something that happened to me 37 years ago. I need to post a warning first — I will be talking about sexual assault and the resulting emotional disorders, but I will refrain from any graphic descriptions. So if anyone feels they can’t deal with reading it today, stop here. # # # # # # # # # Okay. When I was 15 I went on my first "car date" with a guy named Jim. He was 18 and went to a different high school in my hometown. He said we were going to go bowling but we never got there. He parked in an uninhabited area where there were other cars parked. We were making out and I thought I was the luckiest girl alive — he was so handsome, and I was a chubby brainiac with glasses. But he pushed me down and raped me. Didn’t matter that I kept saying no. He called me a lot of accusatory names, making me believe it was my fault. He hurt me badly, and humiliated me, and then dropped me. I didn’t tell anyone about it for many years. I found out this week that he lives about 2 hours from me. Keep in mind, I moved halfway across the continent. Turns out, he did too. There’s nothing to be read in that — lots of Iowans defected to California. Anyway, knowing he was alive and not far away brought up huge wells of rage and fear that made me want to do him major harm. Which, in turn, made me feel physically ill to the point where I could not drive to my therapy appointment. I called Gauri (my therapist) and after I told her what was going on we had our session on the phone. She asked a lot of diagnostic questions and said it sounds like PTSD. After doing a lot of reading on the web about PTSD yesterday I completely agree. Since the rape, I have had major depression, occasionally suicidal (not for many years, I’m glad to report), compulsive overeating, substance abuse, my tendency to be quickly startled or angered, and a long line of unhealthy relationships. And, of course, the increasing anxiety over the last couple of years. My history, plus my detailed memories of the rape that, once remembered play over and over in my head, plus my terrible reaction to knowing where he is — all lead to the diagnosis of PTSD. Gauri and I will be using a new kind of CBT based on a book called "Seeking Safety". If anyone knows about this, I’d love to hear from you, either on the board or in email. What makes this new as I understand it, is that PTSD and substance abuse used to be treated as separate problems, and this therapy treats them together. I haven’t done any dangerous drugs for many years, but the fact that I went through years of it means substance abuse is in me. Anyway, there we are. That’s why I answered the unofficial QOTD about opposite sex issues the way I did — I was in the middle of madness. After a couple of klonopin, a long nap in the afternoon, and an easy dinner, I felt much better last night. Today I still have the headache that came on a couple of days ago, and I’m trying to use breathing exercises to fend off the creeping anxiety. This is not a situation that will go away in a short time. It pisses me off that something that happened so long ago is now disrupting my life. I thought I had worked it all through in therapy in the last 10 years or so. But the rage has been bubbling just under the surface for a long time, and now it’s coming out and I’m trying very hard not to be a pain in the patootie to people around me. I didn’t want to tell Mom about this current upsurge, but she was worried so I emphasized the optimism I feel about therapy. Well, this was long. Anyway, you all now know what I’m in the middle of right now. Thanks for reading. Love to all Deirdre
{{{{{{{Deirdre}}}}}}} I had a similar situation when I was 14. Raped by three boys I knew. I also have PTSD. My old pDoc thinks that I bottled it up and went on with my life. He said it had to come out some way, some how, and it finally did in 1984. I haven’t told anyone about the rape either so no one was ever arrested. I hope you can work through this with your therapist. I know how you feel. Love, Di — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
<Gently snipped ::This is not a situation that will go away in a short time. It pisses me off ::that something that happened so long ago is now disrupting my life. I ::thought I had worked it all through in therapy in the last 10 years or so. ::But the rage has been bubbling just under the surface for a long time, and ::now it’s coming out and I’m trying very hard not to be a pain in the ::patootie to people around me. I didn’t want to tell Mom about this current ::upsurge, but she was worried so I emphasized the optimism I feel about ::therapy. Dear Deirdre, Thank you for sharing this painful story with us. I hope it was cathartic in some way for you. We`ll help you the best we can to get you through this. Sending healing & peaceful thoughts your way. ((((((((((Deirdre)))))))))) Jackie ~*~When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it~*~ ~~ Bernard Bailey — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
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"Doug" wrote I don’t know why but I’ve been really anxious these past few days. I can teach my class (and even stand up in front of them and draw diagrams on the whiteboard [which I never used to be able to do]), but all the paperwork BS at the college is making me anxious. I felt really hurried trying to get all this BS paperwork done and I’m sure it showed. I was rude to someone at the college. I’m planning on apologizing to her, in person, next week. I figure an email apology isn’t much of an apology. Hope everyone has a calm, collected weekend (it’s Friday morning here in Los Angeles).
This anxiety thing is a bitch. I’m sorry you continue to have problems, Doug. But it IS heartening to know you can teach your class! That’s wonderful progress. Slowing myself down when I’m feeling that hurry-up-anxiety often works for me: I just tell myself that the world will NOT come to an end, NO ONE will bleed to death, and I will NOT be arrested if I get this thing done 15 minutes or an hour or even a day later than I thought I OUGHT to. There’s that OUGHT/should thing. It’s kind of like taking back control of the situation. This could work for you. Let me know what you think. Hugs Deirdre (dealing with PTSD rage on Friday afternoon in San Diego) — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
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I don’t know why but I’ve been really anxious these past few days. I can teach my class (and even stand up in front of them and draw diagrams on the whiteboard [which I never used to be able to do]), but all the paperwork BS at the college is making me anxious. I felt really hurried trying to get all this BS paperwork done and I’m sure it showed. I was rude to someone at the college. I’m planning on apologizing to her, in person, next week. I figure an email apology isn’t much of an apology. Hope everyone has a calm, collected weekend (it’s Friday morning here in Los Angeles). — there is no .sig — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
I’m sorry Doug. Even paperwork can be very stressful at times. I hope you have a better day real soon. {{{{{Doug}}}}} Di
I don’t know why but I’ve been really anxious these past few days. I can teach my class (and even stand up in front of them and draw diagrams on the whiteboard [which I never used to be able to do]), but all the paperwork BS at the college is making me anxious. I felt really hurried trying to get all this BS paperwork done and I’m sure it showed. I was rude to someone at the college. I’m planning on apologizing to her, in person, next week. I figure an email apology isn’t much of an apology. Hope everyone has a calm, collected weekend (it’s Friday morning here in Los Angeles).
– The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
Response:
I don’t know why but I’ve been really anxious these past few days. I can teach my class (and even stand up in front of them and draw diagrams on the whiteboard [which I never used to be able to do]), but all the paperwork BS at the college is making me anxious. I felt really hurried trying to get all this BS paperwork done and I’m sure it showed. I was rude to someone at the college. I’m planning on apologizing to her, in person, next week. I figure an email apology isn’t much of an apology. Hope everyone has a calm, collected weekend (it’s Friday morning here in Los Angeles).
Oh Doug, I’m so sorry. Reminds me of when I was going to college and had all these different deadlines in different courses. It’s VERY anxiety provoking. Hopefully the paperwork will be over soon?? I admire you for being able to teach. I couldn’t do it. Even with little kids. My son’s a teacher, but he’s outgoing and has no anxiety issues. I’m sure the person you need to appologize to will understand. Just take in some deep breaths and enjoy the weekend. Next week WON’T be a repeat of this last one. Sally — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
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::I don’t know why but I’ve been really anxious these past few days. I can ::teach my class (and even stand up in front of them and draw diagrams on the ::whiteboard [which I never used to be able to do]), but all the paperwork BS ::at the college is making me anxious. I felt really hurried trying to get all ::this BS paperwork done and I’m sure it showed. I was rude to someone at the ::college. I’m planning on apologizing to her, in person, next week. I figure ::an email apology isn’t much of an apology. Hope everyone has a calm, ::collected weekend (it’s Friday morning here in Los Angeles). Dear Doug, I`m sorry you had another anxious day! When you say you felt "hurried", is this something you put on yourself, or does the job demand that you get all that paperwork down quickly? I find that "anxiety" and "hurrying"…. feed off each other. What works best for "me" is to slow down both physically and mentally. I make a conscious effort to slow my activity and thoughts. When I am successful in doing that, more than likely my anxiety will decrease too. It might help if you slow your pace down a bit. I know that can be hard with job deadlines. I agree, an apology face-to-face is more sincere. Hope you have a anxiety-free weekend. (((((Doug))))) Jackie ~*~There are two ways of meeting difficulties: you alter the difficulties or you alter yourself meeting them~*~ ~~Phyllis Bottome — The charter is available at: http://readystump.algebra.com/~asapm
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