Trauma – PTSD

Question:

I am in the awareness stage of my recovery. My therapist and I have been working toward taking some Cognitive Beh. Therapy steps soon. But, since the awareness of my situation (the trauma and my life afterward-I didn’t have a before trauma, I’ve been living it in one form or another since before birth) I am really angry. Anything and everything sets me off.Today I had a 45 minute conversation with a lady I’m doing business with. (that I knew for sure was lying to me….absolutely, and I really really yelled and got both offensive and defensive with her). That got me no where except really mad and made my SO really nervous. I feel like a jagged edge. I feel like I’m a raw nerve. I feel naked. Please help. My SO would really appreciate it (not to mention me). Thanks Zack PS: From now on my nick is "In Through The Out Door" Just FYI

Response:

Hi Zack! > I am really angry.

This is a really healthy awareness on your part.  It is important, however, to not redirect your anger towards just anyone within your reach. :/ > Anything and everything sets me off.

Actually, I think that when I get ’set off’, it is because someone is doing the same thing to me that was done to me before I started therapy and recovery. For example: my son has some of his father’s ways of doing things, which includes name-calling, lack of patience and yelling … all at the same time .. when he gets really frustrated with my lack of focus. Last night, while trying to get the snow-blower working, apparently he asked me where the gasoline was.  I told him I did not know.  Then, I asked him where the gasoline was.  Sounds like the Keystone Kops to me but I don’t remember it; I just remember finding the mixed gas can. ??? Anyway, when I found the mixed gas can (as opposed to the straight gas can for the lawn mower) and showed it to him, he really blew up. Of course, the major stressor for him was that some kids were coming over to see him and we had about 10 inches of snow in the drive. And, the snowing had started up again. I opined that he was being abusive and let it go. Today, he came to me to apologize for his behavior and to say that he gets really angry when I don’t give him a ’straight answer’.  I asked him what he wanted me to use as a code word to slow down his anger reactions … call him by his Dad’s name?  He said that he did not want to be called by his Dad’s name (Joe abused him as a child), but did not yet know what he wanted me to do to remind him to calm down before he started blurting words that hurt. You and your SO might want to consider a conspiracy of code words to calm you when you get in an inappropriate rage. YMMV Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->I am in the awareness stage of my recovery. My therapist and I have been > working toward taking some Cognitive Beh. Therapy steps soon. But, since > the awareness of my situation (the trauma and my life afterward-I didn’t > have a before trauma, I’ve been living it in one form or another since > before birth) I am really angry. Anything and everything sets me off.Today > I had a 45 minute conversation with a lady I’m doing business with. (that > I knew for sure was lying to me….absolutely, and I really really yelled > and got both offensive and defensive with her). That got me no where > except really mad and made my SO really nervous. I feel like a jagged > edge. I feel like I’m a raw nerve. I feel naked. > Please help. My SO would really appreciate it (not to mention me). > Thanks > Zack

Zack, Nancy wrote some wise words.  I can only say that I know where you are coming from.  Dang never every thing is a trigger to me.  I think "I’m there" only for more stuff to come up.  I’ve been living and re-living my past so many times. Don’t mean to sound negative.  There is always hope.  You have a therapist. That’s a good thing.  I have no one to turn to for help.  And I’m tired. Keep writing here….cuz away if you need to.  It won’t bother me.  In fact, I’ll like it….means I’m not alone in this crazy world of mine. Donna

Response:

Hi Donna! > Dang never every thing is a trigger to me.  I think "I’m there" > only for more stuff to come up.  I’ve been living and re-living my > past so many times.

This is a major component of PTSD … reliving the past over and over. While it has taken me about 12 years, I usually think that I have some control over my own brain and this re-living.  I do NOT. I know it is a crazed response to want the event(s) to come out differently.  I know it is a crazed response to not be able to accept what happened and its repurcussions. All I know for certain is that the more I make this ‘re-living’ in my brain a friend, the easier it has become to deal with. YMMV > I have no one to turn to for help. > And I’m tired.

Be extremely careful, Donna.  This is a recipe for disaster. Take care of yourself, even if it means sleeping 20 hours a day, and 15 bubble baths when you are awake.  Only you can soothe yourself and your troubled brain.  And, IME the soothing, paying attention to, and communicating with the other half of your brain makes all the difference. YMMV > Keep writing here….cuz away if you need to.  It won’t bother me.  In > fact, I’ll like it….means I’m not alone in this crazy world of mine.

You are NOT alone, either of you! Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy

Response:

Nancy, you are a wonderful gift for me this Christmas season. Thank you for being you.  Your wisdom and caring mean so much.  God bless you. Donna – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi Donna! >> Dang never every thing is a trigger to me.  I think "I’m there" >> only for more stuff to come up.  I’ve been living and re-living my >> past so many times. > This is a major component of PTSD … reliving the past over and over. > While it has taken me about 12 years, I usually think that I have some > control over my own brain and this re-living.  I do NOT. > I know it is a crazed response to want the event(s) to come out > differently.  I know it is a crazed response to not be able to accept > what happened and its repurcussions. > All I know for certain is that the more I make this ‘re-living’ in my > brain a friend, the easier it has become to deal with. > YMMV >> I have no one to turn to for help. >> And I’m tired. > Be extremely careful, Donna.  This is a recipe for disaster. > Take care of yourself, even if it means sleeping 20 hours a day, and 15 > bubble baths when you are awake.  Only you can soothe yourself and your > troubled brain.  And, IME the soothing, paying attention to, and > communicating with the other half of your brain makes all the > difference. > YMMV >> Keep writing here….cuz away if you need to.  It won’t bother me.  In >> fact, I’ll like it….means I’m not alone in this crazy world of mine. > You are NOT alone, either of you! > Smile and there will be something to smile about! > Nancy

Response:

Hi Donna! > Nancy, you are a wonderful gift for me this Christmas season. > Thank you for being you.  Your wisdom and caring mean so > much.  God bless you.

You are welcome. and God bless you and those you care about, too. Now, if I can continue to progress, I’ll have it made also. :/ December is very difficult for me.  The anniversary date plus the general holiday ‘happiness’ is very difficult for me to cope. This year I managed to jamb my right shoulder December 4 to the extent that it was x-rayed (no breaks) and I am now on darvocettes for the pain.   Of course, every time it starts to recover, I put too much strain on it.   Like Christmas Day, I polished too much silver … the table looked great, the pain hit the next day. Talk about my self-sabotage abilities! YMMV Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy

Response:

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