Trauma – PTSD

Question:

oh grace, could have written this myself.. been on zoloft for alittle less than a year, and yes, it does help me feel better in my head (our head, really), but why why why am i so fat now? today i was so uncomfortable in my jeans that fit me last year.  and on top of that… (spoiler here for talk of womanly things..and monthly stuff) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ok.. i dunno why but my period just stopped. it just stopped. and i been so upset about that.  i am not that young, but i am not that old either!  and since this happened..now i notice really that my clothes are tight. that’d be ok if i was pregnant, cuz really i would like to be pregnant one more time, but every test so far is negative.. so i guess i just have no period and now i am old and fat. ): today i was reading a book about ptsd and dissociative stuff with women, and it said that all kinds of wierdo things can happen to our bodies under prolonged stress, but grace…this is the part i can’t understand… the stress is no worse than at some other times, and..actually is prolly less than other times we lived thru. now i am starting to think that so much stuff happened to us, our body just plain old broke down.  this really upsets me and makes me sad… or is this another "why me" thing…just cuz some nameless faceless thing of the universe swooped down… and just because..it is "nothing" you did..monique… just because.  like all the things we never had, or the things we had and lost..why?  like howcome all the rest of the bad and sad things, the ones i can remember, and the ones i know that happened to someone in here, but i can’t say what it was… and i look in the mirror i don’t know if what i see.. is really what is there.  does anybody else feel like that?  like, maybe i think i am fat or thin or old or young, but what i see is maybe completely different from what the world sees?  and which one is the real one..  i have real problems with self image, i know.  sometimes i think..i am terribly terribly ugly. then i look and think..why did i think that..i look kinda nice. then i look and see a huge girl… or, an middle aged woman..and go..gah! (oh, it’s just such a good word, gah!) that can’t be me… how’d we get so old… i do not trust the mirror. or maybe its my eyes? anyway..i can very much relate to your struggle and unhappiness about the weight, but..i think it is important that we continue the meds.  cuz.. first and foremost is survival.  if we feel better emotionally, i guess, even if we never be what we think we "should" be (kate moss? ha. way too thin…) at least we have a better chance of taking care of ourselves. making what we have look the best we can.  even if i am never sure if i am seeing it right! wish we could trade in the old body for a nice 20 year old one.  and still have all the learning and healing that we have now!  that would be alittle bit of justice…<g mony (eating some m&m’s and worrying…i was very good all the rest of today! (with food..baked potato, salad and some soup) and, it seems even if i don’t eat.. i still get fat..so, hey, like you said, i *need* my chocolate… other possibility..my body’s got 3 months worth of pms ready to burst?  oh, g*d..no wonder i am dying of bloat…!   if i explode, blame my mother! <g the *final* insult!….. — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:

Response:

Dear Monique, My reply through-out your post…. oh grace, could have written this myself.. been on zoloft for alittle less than a year, and yes, it does help me feel better in my head (our head, really), but why why why am i so fat now?

Yep… In the last year, I have been on 3 anti-d’s and every time, I put on extra weight… I ask myself, why why why can’t _I_ be in the group that loses the weight??? today i was so uncomfortable in my jeans that fit me last year.  and on top of that… (spoiler here for talk of womanly things..and monthly stuff)

Yep… me too… 1 – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ok.. i dunno why but my period just stopped. it just stopped. and i been so upset about that.  i am not that young, but i am not that old either!  and since this happened..now i notice really that my clothes are tight.

Check this out with a doc I reckon… just to be safe… that’d be ok if i was pregnant, cuz really i would like to be pregnant one more time, but every test so far is negative.. so i guess i just have no period and now i am old and fat. ):

Not old… perhaps not fat…. just a little bigger than us usual for you??? Could we both perhaps see it this way… As for being old…. well I don’t _feel_ any older than say, 14 or 15 and I am living in a 33 year old body…. this is strange to me… and when I try to do the things that a 14 year old can do, and this body just creaks and groans, it always comes as a surprise to me…. today i was reading a book about ptsd and dissociative stuff with women, and it said that all kinds of wierdo things can happen to our bodies under prolonged stress, but grace…this is the part i can’t understand… the stress is no worse than at some other times, and..actually is prolly less than other times we lived thru.

Yes… and a big ditto here… stress is less with me too really… I don’t know… got me puzzled… My reckon is … it’s the meds…. now i am starting to think that so much stuff happened to us, our body just plain old broke down.  this really upsets me and makes me sad… or is this another "why me" thing…just cuz some nameless faceless thing of the universe swooped down… and just because..it is "nothing" you did..monique… just because.  like all the things we never had, or the things we had and lost..why?  like howcome all the rest of the bad and sad things, the ones i can remember, and the ones i know that happened to someone in here, but i can’t say what it was…

and i look in the mirror i don’t know if what i see.. is really what is there.  does anybody else feel like that?  like, maybe i think i am fat or thin or old or young, but what i see is maybe completely different from what the world sees?  and which one is the real one..  i have real problems with self image, i know.  sometimes i think..i am terribly terribly ugly. then i look and think..why did i think that..i look kinda nice. then i look and see a huge girl… or, an middle aged woman..and go..gah! (oh, it’s just such a good word, gah!) that can’t be me… how’d we get so old…

Yes… I remember always thinking that when I was quite thin (one year ago), I could see in the mirror that I was fat… and also, as I was becoming fat, I couldn’t see this in the mirror… Now I look, and it just depends on the day or time of day as to whether I cringe or say…. oh… this body is not too bad…. as for aging…. ahhhhhhhhhhh….!!! Dunno…. just can’t understand how I am 33…. just can’t… i do not trust the mirror. or maybe its my eyes? anyway..i can very much relate to your struggle and unhappiness about the weight, but..i think it is important that we continue the meds.  cuz.. first and foremost is survival.  if we feel better emotionally, i guess, even if we never be what we think we "should" be (kate moss? ha. way too thin…) at least we have a better chance of taking care of ourselves. making what we have look the best we can.  even if i am never sure if i am seeing it right!

Yes… I am going to continue the meds…. True too… We can make the best of what we have… Just looks like I’ll have to save up for a bigger wardrobe… and it is def. better than feeling so depressed all the time.. wish we could trade in the old body for a nice 20 year old one.  and still have all the learning and healing that we have now!  that would be alittle bit of justice…<g

Yes, yes yes!!! mony (eating some m&m’s and worrying…i was very good all the rest of today! (with food..baked potato, salad and some soup) and, it seems even if i don’t eat.. i still get fat..so, hey, like you said, i *need* my chocolate…

Gotta have the chocolate… (I personally think I’m addicted to it) other possibility..my body’s got 3 months worth of pms ready to burst?  oh, g*d..no wonder i am dying of bloat…!   if i explode, blame my mother! <g the *final* insult!…..

Response:

  I don’t know if this is going to sound a little pollyannish, but here goes anyway. spoiler for girl stuff a s d f g h j k l q w e r t y u i o p z x c v b c c c v b g t   I’ve been dealing with issues like this too. Really have done alot of recovery and my physical relationship with my SO improved tremedously. Then middle age hit me like a ton of bricks (I’m 39) and besides the attendant hair issues (less where you want, it more where you don’t), and skin feeling a little, shall we say, looser, (I’m starting to empathize with our basset hound), I started having "female" problems, and had to have a partial hysterectomy. It then turned out that the operation didn’t fix everything and there are things I’m just going to have to live with. Part of getting older, the dr said. I walked out of the dr’s office that day and ranted all the way back to the car. I felt so gypped. I had gone through so much, faced so much. I had always had as one of my goals a healthy sex life. And after getting the emotional hurdles overcome, my body goes south on me!  So I’ve been thinking about the body thing a lot lately, (I usually do anyway). It occurred to me that there’s probably a good reason that we kind of go downhill physically. Look at really attractive people. Some of them seem to spend all their time concentrating on haw they are percieved by others. Well, even with cosmetic surgery, etc, aging is inevitable. It’s like a slap in the face, a spiritual wake up call. There’s so much more to people than how they look, and when your looks are gone, you have two choices (other than making a quick exit from the world), one; sit at home, look at old photos of yourself and cry, or two; find out what’s inside yourself so that you have a reason to get up in the morning. At least people like us who having been surveying the inner landscape for awhile have a head start in that area.  I was *really* depressed for five weeks when I noticed dramatic changes in my appearance a couple of years ago, so I’m not trivializing your feelings. And weight has always been an issue for me, too. I still get down over the changes in my body. But I have lots of other stuff in my life that pulls me away from the darkness. People, pets, books, movies, creating things. I guess, in the final analysis, myself.    There’s a really cool poem called "When I am old, I shall wear purple." See if you can track down a copy of it, it has a great message about how much time we spend on stuff like this.                    Good luck with your growth,                              Trinity    Trust yourself, and don’t believe in any more lies                                          _ Blue Rodeo     – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Dear Monique, My reply through-out your post…. oh grace, could have written this myself.. been on zoloft for alittle less than a year, and yes, it does help me feel better in my head (our head, really), but why why why am i so fat now? Yep… In the last year, I have been on 3 anti-d’s and every time, I put on extra weight… I ask myself, why why why can’t _I_ be in the group that loses the weight??? today i was so uncomfortable in my jeans that fit me last year.  and on top of that… (spoiler here for talk of womanly things..and monthly stuff) Yep… me too… 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ok.. i dunno why but my period just stopped. it just stopped. and i been so upset about that.  i am not that young, but i am not that old either!  and since this happened..now i notice really that my clothes are tight. Check this out with a doc I reckon… just to be safe… that’d be ok if i was pregnant, cuz really i would like to be pregnant one more time, but every test so far is negative.. so i guess i just have no period and now i am old and fat. ): Not old… perhaps not fat…. just a little bigger than us usual for you??? Could we both perhaps see it this way… As for being old…. well I don’t _feel_ any older than say, 14 or 15 and I am living in a 33 year old body…. this is strange to me… and when I try to do the things that a 14 year old can do, and this body just creaks and groans, it always comes as a surprise to me…. today i was reading a book about ptsd and dissociative stuff with women, and it said that all kinds of wierdo things can happen to our bodies under prolonged stress, but grace…this is the part i can’t understand… the stress is no worse than at some other times, and..actually is prolly less than other times we lived thru. Yes… and a big ditto here… stress is less with me too really… I don’t know… got me puzzled… My reckon is … it’s the meds…. now i am starting to think that so much stuff happened to us, our body just plain old broke down.  this really upsets me and makes me sad… or is this another "why me" thing…just cuz some nameless faceless thing of the universe swooped down… and just because..it is "nothing" you did..monique… just because.  like all the things we never had, or the things we had and lost..why?  like howcome all the rest of the bad and sad things, the ones i can remember, and the ones i know that happened to someone in here, but i can’t say what it was… and i look in the mirror i don’t know if what i see.. is really what is there.  does anybody else feel like that?  like, maybe i think i am fat or thin or old or young, but what i see is maybe completely different from what the world sees?  and which one is the real one..  i have real problems with self image, i know.  sometimes i think..i am terribly terribly ugly. then i look and think..why did i think that..i look kinda nice. then i look and see a huge girl… or, an middle aged woman..and go..gah! (oh, it’s just such a good word, gah!) that can’t be me… how’d we get so old… Yes… I remember always thinking that when I was quite thin (one year ago), I could see in the mirror that I was fat… and also, as I was becoming fat, I couldn’t see this in the mirror… Now I look, and it just depends on the day or time of day as to whether I cringe or say…. oh… this body is not too bad…. as for aging…. ahhhhhhhhhhh….!!! Dunno…. just can’t understand how I am 33…. just can’t… i do not trust the mirror. or maybe its my eyes? anyway..i can very much relate to your struggle and unhappiness about the weight, but..i think it is important that we continue the meds.  cuz.. first and foremost is survival.  if we feel better emotionally, i guess, even if we never be what we think we "should" be (kate moss? ha. way too thin…) at least we have a better chance of taking care of ourselves. making what we have look the best we can.  even if i am never sure if i am seeing it right! Yes… I am going to continue the meds…. True too… We can make the best of what we have… Just looks like I’ll have to save up for a bigger wardrobe… and it is def. better than feeling so depressed all the time.. wish we could trade in the old body for a nice 20 year old one.  and still have all the learning and healing that we have now!  that would be alittle bit of justice…<g Yes, yes yes!!! mony (eating some m&m’s and worrying…i was very good all the rest of today! (with food..baked potato, salad and some soup) and, it seems even if i don’t eat.. i still get fat..so, hey, like you said, i *need* my chocolate… Gotta have the chocolate… (I personally think I’m addicted to it) other possibility..my body’s got 3 months worth of pms ready to burst?  oh, g*d..no wonder i am dying of bloat…!   if i explode, blame my mother! <g the *final* insult!…..

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