Question:
On 23 Oct 1997 02:11:19 GMT, sterra…@aol.com (STERRANVH) caught my eye with : [snip] >BTW, lest anybody think I actually am as gutsy as I am trying to be, I am >getting major cold feet about the photography job. Not the technical part. >The being in a mall around people and trying to appear normal part. If I >pull this off, I think my next job should be in the theatre, because I >obviously must have some latent acting ability! >Chele
ohhhhhh it’s in a mall. hrm. Do you have to deal with the public or is it a "back room" type job? i wish you all the luck and good days in the world. my mental picture of myself behind a counter in a mall shows me jumping around in circles … tiring! btw… i think today is the day. did you go report the idiot that hit you with the car? *crossing fingers* — `redsilk 10/23/97 – - 10:28:48 AM Thoughts expressed herein are my own. If you understand, please explain it to me. ———————————————————— Being normal is *not* one of my strengths…
Response:
In article <345688fa.62911…@news.cyberverse.com>, `redsilk <reds…@myself.com> (`redsilk) writes: >btw… i think today is the day. did you go report the idiot that hit >you with the car? *crossing fingers*
I did it! Frankly, I still don’t quite believe it myself, but I did it. I went to the stadium security office and filled out an "incident report" which they will forward to the state police. I know I never would have gone through with it if not for my very good friend Becca. She kept encouraging me, and even drove me there so I wouldn’t chicken out. I think the security guy thought I was a bit odd for reporting this, since I am not really hurt, and my therapist thinks I have a thing where I get angry when I don’t get sympathy, but at the moment, I don’t care what they think. It was a big step, and I took it. I am not so happy with my therapist equating PTSD with me being POed that people aren’t throwing me a pity party, though. That really is not it. I find it impossible to tolerate this attitude that people seem to have that they are the center of the universe and so are free to kill/maim/emotionally destroy anybody who gets in their way. That’s what I feel the people who caused my accident did — knew the problem, knew how to fix it, knew somebody could be hurt or killed if they didn’t, and decided that it was OK to let it happen so they could save a buck. Because their bottom line was more important than my life, or the lives of any of the other people working in the building. It makes me incredibly mad when I get a whiff of that attitude from anybody, and I am sure I sometimes (usually?) overreact. This attitude is what made me mad enough to report the jerk driver. I just hope the cops knock on her door and give her a lesson in reality. And I hope someday a jury will stand up and tell the jerks who tried to kill me with carelessness that that crap won’t fly either. In the meantime, I’m still angry. And as my therapist says, the only person that hurts is me. Wish I could turn it off. I also wish I didn’t feel guility about feeling angry. On a happier note, I snuck in a cheap thrill on my way to go file the report. Practice had just ended and the field was empty when I got there. Nobody around. So I got to touch my sneaker to the endzone at Giant Stadium. (I didn’t dare walk all the way onto it for fear I’d get in trouble.) It was kind of cool since my Dad started dragging me to Giant games when I was a tiny little kid. Now I am on my way out the door again to buy the right color polo shirt for my photo job quasi-uniform. More malls. Sigh. Thanks again for being there for me, guys. Chele.
Response:
Way to go Chele!!! (on both going and reporting the jerk driver and doing the end zone at the stadium! cool!) And hugs also to your very good friend Becca. Tucked in your update post was a line that kind of got to me. <<In the meantime, I’m still angry. And as my therapist says, the only person that hurts is me. Wish I could turn it off. I also wish I didn’t feel guility about feeling angry. >> So is your therapist somehow giving you the message that you should be less angry? WTF! Sounds to me like your anger did not hurt you in this situation….. rather it motivated you to stand up for yourself and report a harmful situation/action. And to me, that is a very positive thing for those of us who have been victimized to learn to do. And if it’s our anger that gets us moving forward, well then great, I say. I learned very early in my life that those above me counted on my burying my anger. I was trained to feel guilty about anger as well as any other emotion which was empowering to me and potentially threatening to them and or the hierarchy. Needless to say, that attitude really pisses me off! 
So I would question why this message might be coming from your therapist? No doubt there are nuances that might help explain it, but it still raises my hackles. Anyhow, it’s an interesting point to mull over. Thanks for sharing it with us. Jan
Response:
Hi, guys, I posted this under my lousy day thread, then realized that that was kinda dumb because its actually probably the most upbeat I’ve been in a looooooooong time, so I figured I’d repost in case the header turned anyone off. Here goes: Hi, everybody. Thanks for the understanding and support. I think I have been to my last rock concert. I am still POed about the parking lot incident, and I called the police about it, but they told me I have to go in and sign a report before they will do anything. So I am going to try to get out there sometime this or next week to do it. I was talking to my husband about it, and I realized that while the world is very good at giving me the "your life doesn’t matter" message, this is one time I really am not helpless. I don’t have to just take it and suffer silently. I can actually do something to assert my own rights and to take what I think is a dangerous driver off the streets. So I am actually gonna follow up on this, if only to prove to myself that I don’t have to accept people treating me this way. I feel like I am slowly getting a little stronger. I have to force myself out of my isolation, and lots of times when I do, I wind up regretting it (like at the concert), but every now and again something good comes of it. Like last week I was going to the $6 wonder job, and I passed a help wanted sign at a photo studio. I always figured that when I got sick of being a lawyer, I would do something artsy, like paint, or try to become a professional photographer. (I became a lawyer because I didn’t like the "starving" part of starving artist.) On the days I can make myself leave the house, I try to take photos and improve my technique. Its sort of cheap therapy for me, because it takes my mind off the bad stuff and lets me live in the present, if only briefly. So anyway, to make a long story short, I applied for the job, and yesterday they hired me. I start Friday, part time, and the pay is lousy, but I think I will learn alot (darkroom, setting up poses, and how to use a pro 6×7 camera…) So for the first time in a really long time, I am actually looking forward to something instead of dreading what comes next! Its a definite improvement! And I haven’t even started taking meds yet. Its strange to be feeling hopeful, and more than a little scary, because at the back of my mind, I’m waiting to fall again. But I am going to try and enjoy the ride until I do. Thanks for being there for me. I hope I am getting to the point where I will be able to return the favor. Chele (Who has more to talk about, but its not as happy (not really bad though, either), but why ruin a good mood…)
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