Trauma – PTSD

Question:

am survivor(?) of many gang rapes anddouble/single perp rapes. 42yo. therapy 8,9 years. ptsd, double dissociative disorder. no meds work. have stopped living permanently in de-realisation and de-personalisation so can get bit closer to imagining what human reality is like. mother denied me a self, so not much point trying to find it.making some progress though, but i don’t believe there is recovery for me. really frightens me – the constant aloneness. no children, no family, no sis bro, friends. inability to relate to humans (completely socially deprived) means will grow old sick and die alone.terrifying.can’t work never will.I’m beautiful too what a waste. Sure those reading this know I’m not whining whinging or blowing things out of proportion. likely to be my reality.funny though I am an eternal optimist-I’m still alive dammit. don’t you hate waking up. I find too that one after another there is some arsehole trying to !@#$ my life up even more. How when does it stop. Zara

Response:

Hi Zara! First, welcome to the ng.  I’m sorry that you seem to qualify. :/ > How when does it stop.

IME ‘it’ stops when I stop giving ‘it’ my own powers. YMMV Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy

Response:

Hi, I was going to say "welcome" and that some of you is true about me. But I’ll get specific. So. Welcome. I feel safe here, posting only a month or so, so far. And me, like you >am survivor(?) >of > rapes > mother denied me

Well, mine denied me completely. I’m not sure what your situation was. But maybe there is some similarity there. >i don’t >believe there is recovery for me. >really frightens me – the constant >aloneness. no children, no family,

I have sisters and a brother but it’s so crazy making having any contact with them that for my own sanity I have to get as far away from them as possible — with the blessings of my therapist. The last comment he made was — "I don’t see how they wouldn’t drive anybody crazy" >no  friends. inability to relate >to humans (completely socially deprived) means will grow old sick and die >alone.terrifying.can’t work >don’t you hate waking up.

You bet! >How when does it stop.

Every so often the quality of my days are different. Some days I can get more done. Some days I just can’t get far from bed. Thanks for sending a post Zara. Cecile

Response:

Hi Zara and Cecile, Thank you for your posts to the ng. The question "How, when does it stop?" is really interesting. In my case I find that I have good days and not so good days.   Today I kept saying the Serenity Prayer over and over realizing that my need to take care of myself was going to cause some problems with my family.  I am grateful that I have learned to take better care of myself and that I’m willing to be uncomfortable some of the time in order to better care for myself. The Rapes, DID, PTSD, & years of therapy are all part of my make-up too. One thing I know is that people who do not live with PTSD just don’t get it about people who live with it 24/7.  That doesn’t mean that relationships with these civilians is always frought with misunderstanding. It just makes a newsgroup like this one even more meaningful because people here can understand things that non PTSD people simple cannot. Welcome, Zara.  Nice to read your post.  And thanks Cecile — your words mean a lot. Take care, Anne on the prairie – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Every so often the quality of my days are different. Some days I can get more >done. Some days I just can’t get far from bed. >Thanks for sending a post Zara. >Cecile

Response:

Hi Zara, Cecile, and Anne, Thank you all for posting.  It’s good to know I’m not alone, because most of the time it does feel that way.  I spent yesterday mostly in bed, was unable to take care of my family or go to church.  My husband reacted with a depression of his own by bedtime, and that made me feel mad at him for a minute, then I got over it. I am a survivor also, continual childhood abuse/neglect, rape, etc.  So I have complex PTSD along with chronic depression.  Meds do seem to help, therapy along with using EMDR/DNMS seems to help… but some days are just duds.  Some weeks are just duds.  I don’t have any friends either, but do have family.  I stay away from relatives, have limited contact with my Mom and siblings, and keep totally away from my father. I functioned somewhat normally for years in ’survival’ mode as a single mother.  Got married 2 years ago, and then fell apart at work totally one morning last March.  Haven’t worked since… and I miss it.  I guess most of my identity was tied to being a good nurse.  (I’m an LPN.)  But the thought of trying to do it again panics me. I don’t know why I didn’t go DID.  My therapist says it’s a miracle.  I know I am tortured inside a great deal. Still fighting the good fight though. Take care everyone. Cheryl

Response:

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