Question:
Please hang in there! I’m glad you survived your mother. Look at it this way: you are a miracle! It’s your parents who have no other purpose other than bring you into the world. My parents swear they wanted a girl (just not this girl right?). I have no reason to believe them. They value some pervert over there own daughter. Another reason why I think they are liars: I’m physically beautiful and extremely talented. So the only reason I can think of for my parent’s disdain for me is that they didn’t want me in the first place. They may claim it’s because I was a difficult adolescent and because I used drugs through my twenties but it was an understandable response given my situation. I know I sound brash, but I’m tired of trying to make up for something that wasn’t my fault (this is not to say that I don’t take responsibility for my recovery). Perhaps it is immature for me to still blame my parents, that I don’t accept them as they are. I’m sick of apoligizing for my existance. For once I’d like to achieve something from my heart and not because some prize is going to prove that I am valueable in spite of being damaged goods. Sorry I ranted more than I offered encouragement. I’m having a very rough time right now and so that makes me just a tad self-centered. Good luck. Mao * Sent from AltaVista http://www.altavista.com Where you can also find related Web Pages, Images, Audios, Videos, News, and Shopping. Smart is Beautiful
Response:
>Perhaps it is immature for me to still blame my parents, that I don’t accept
them as they are.> Perhaps instead of beating yourself up with the "immature" label, you might think of it is a totally natural and normal thing to desire the love and acceptance of your parents. There is NOTHING wrong with wanting that. Unfortunately some parents can’t give it, no matter how much we try to get it out of them. Some are lost causes with nothing to offer because they weren’t willing to go through the painful stuff that we’ve gone through in order to get better and be better parents. I have one of each parent. One that went through hell to get better and one that lives in a private hell he’ll never leave. Guess which one has had the biggest positive impact on me? Of course the other has had a huge negative impact. There is NOTHING wrong with wanting it, the painful part comes in realizing it may never happen. THat hope dies hard, very hard. Whether we realize it or not, I truly believe that for those of us with childhood issues we will always hope. Hope that there will be love there. Because that’s where it should have been, right? I’m a mom, and I know the love I give my girl is something she would die inside without. THat’s what happened to me, and its legitimate. I too was unwanted by my father (he told me this constantly). he wanted a boy, and I ruined his life in many ways (according to him). I can empathize with the feelings you expressed about being unloveable and unwanted by your parents. Please don’t negate your hope for the love and acceptance we all deserve as children, but at the same time maybe you can work through your feelings to learn what the reality is in your case. I hope your therapist is helping you face this hard reality and to cope with the hurt. Lacking parental love and acceptance is a huge obstacle to face…you have my hopes for healing and pain relief…kristine
Response:
Is it PTSD? Is it some sort of psychosis? I really don’t know. I know my parents were probably some of the worst in the world. Physical abuse, mental abuse. I had no sense of self worth. I was arguably the ugliest, most uncoordinated, useless female ever born; and if you MUST get technical, they didn’t want me to BE born (mother tried an overdose of paragoric to abort – didn’t work). I need someone to talk to. Someone else who wasn’t meant to be. Someone else unwanted, un-needed. Someone else who becomes extremely ’sensitive’ during the holidays. Somebody PLEASE tell me I’m not alone! * Sent from RemarQ http://www.remarq.com The Internet’s Discussion Network * The fastest and easiest way to search and participate in Usenet – Free!
Response:
By no means am I a therapist but I can say this, PTSD comes under different forms. It is quite possible that you may have the dissorder. Have you thought about counselling? That would be a sure to find out that your receive the proper treatment for the proper disorder. Meanwhile hang in there and you feel the need to talk don’t hesitate to use this ng to do it. There is some pretty good info to be gain by some of the post. Most of the people here have the same goal – to get better and seek a better form of living. Take care and be good to yourself, Sylvie :-)
Response:
>I know my parents were probably some of the worst in the world. Physical
abuse, mental abuse. I had no sense of self worth. I was arguably the ugliest, most uncoordinated, useless female ever born; and if you MUST get technical, they didn’t want me to BE born (mother tried an overdose of paragoric to abort – didn’t work).> First, I’m glad it didn’t work. Second you are NOT alone. I too was told I was unwanted, that I ruined my father’s life. He tried to hurt my mother while she was pregnant, so I’d be aborted. For years he was physically and emotionally abusive. He hated me. He still does. He talks to his other kids but not me. Guilt I guess. I had no sense of self worth. I tried to get it different ways, for now its something I get by being intelligent. Works sort of. I heard over and over that I was "stupid, useless, a pain in the ass, a fucking idiot" etc. You are not alone. Unfortunately. None of us deserved to be abused. None of us could have stopped it either (I tried!). I waited to be rescued. It didn’t happen until I was older. But I was left with the scars to live with and am still dealing with them. I have PTSD, not psychosis. The abuse we suffer as children can cause a number of coping mechanisms to become disorders, diseases, neurosis and even psychosis. >I need someone to talk to. Someone else who wasn’t meant to be. Someone else
unwanted, un-needed. Someone else who becomes extremely ’sensitive’ during the holidays.> Unfortunately none of us here can replace an effective therapist (I hope you are using one, it has helped me a lot and I continue to go). But I can talk to you here. I know what its like and you’re not alone. Feeling unwanted for my whole life ended for me this weekend. I experienced the most real and longed for resolution with my mother. She didn’t save me for awhile, but she finally did. And now I have learned how hard it was for her. I was loved, I just was unfortunately in a position that my mom couldn’t get me from. That has gone a long way for me in these last few days. A LONG WAY. Can I suggest something? Try to find positive mirrors in your life. People that tell you that you are smart, good, loveable and all the other things that we needed as children. This involvement with people in our lives can make a HUGE difference, and I think it truly is essential to overcoming the hatred that was poured out on us as kids. You are not alone…and I’m glad you found us here. Kristine
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