Trauma – PTSD

Question:

Trigger warning!! * * * * * * * Oh dear, nearly blew myself out of the water today. Had my first appointment to see a nurse at the shrinks office where I’ll be going to get my med. prescriptions in the future. Have had so much shit going on the last few months. Even longer but these past months have been hell. Haven’t had a decent nights/days sleep in a long time. Finally got around to opening my mail for the past week or so yesterday. Saw that I had an appointment to go see the nurse at the dr. office I will be ‘belonging’ to now that I’ve moved… First appointment… Well to make a long story short. I nearly blew it! Had a major breakdown in the office. Spilled my guts and more, and finished it with saying that if things don’t get better soon, and if people don’t back off soon, I’ll probably end up killing someone. The only thing holding me back is the fact that I would lose my son. No moral stuff, no fear of anything apart from what it would do to my son… Well, I guess I scared the heck out of the nurse, since he hurried out to get the psychiatrist… I was more or less given the third degree when he came back with her… *sheesh* Did some serious backpedaling there for awhile! I want help YES, but not a straight jacket. Promised I’d come back tomorrow afternoon at 2 PM, since she conveniently had an opening in her schedule then… (have been trying to get an appointment since this spring, since I feel that I do need new meds…) Oh well, at least they’re interested in changing my meds now!! So, back into the shadows I go Kitty (yes it’s still me, just new e-mail addy) For a valid e-mail address, remove all the ***

Response:

Hi Kitty! > I want > help YES, but not a straight jacket. Promised I’d come back tomorrow > afternoon at 2 PM, since she conveniently had an opening in her schedule > then… (have been trying to get an appointment since this spring, since I > feel that I do need new meds…) Oh well, at least they’re interested in > changing my meds now!!

All someone with PTSD has to do is STOP being reasonable and SHOW folks his/her symptoms.  PTSD is not like a broken leg … it doesn’t show up on x-rays. :/ Actually, the professionals would probably prefer that we NOT wait until our symptoms are uncontrollable before we contact them.  However, I know well that it ‘feels’ demeaning sometimes to show my symptoms;  I have to just swallow my pride in order to give the professionals something to work with. In the VA system, we have weekly group so that our current symptoms can be checked out.  Your professionals may have a similar set up.  That’s how my therapist(s) have kept track of whether I need an extra therapy session or psychiatrist session immediately.  If your set-up allows for group, I hope that you will attend.  It really makes a difference to me. Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy

Response:

Kitty, I agree group is one of the most valuable tools we have to combat this illness, as a matter of fact that realization with the help of this ng is the only reason I am writing today or else I would be in solitude searching for a wisdom that is not within my grasp at this time. Think of it a core of people who will do nothing but offer you support and understanding.Oh I forgot they also have a truckload of intelligent data to use, I am not in that category as of yet, my words are from within and often extemperaneous(sp/), Take Care, De Garay    

Response:

Hi John! > Kitty, I agree group is one of the most valuable tools we have to combat this > illness, as a matter of fact that realization with the help of this ng is the > only reason I am writing today or else I would be in solitude searching for a > wisdom that is not within my grasp at this time.

Isn’t it marvelous how many ways we can devise to isolate in our pain? Maybe marvelous is not the word, but I do marvel at how I can outwit myself. :/ Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy

Response:

Hi Nancy, I did OK today. Got new meds. Zoloft. Going cold turkey on my old meds (Cipramil) of 5 years and starting out with 50mg Zoloft tomorrow morning. I’ve never tried any other meds before, apart from the extra tranquilizer every now and then, so I’m a little bit worried right now how they will, or rather how I will ‘react’ to them. I need to get out of this town and back to the forest. On a ‘positive note, I will be spending the following two weeks with a friend in Norway. She has more or less the same/similar disorders and strangely enough, I’m actually feeling comfortable with the thought of having someone around me while I’m getting used to new meds. My son will be living with his friends family while I’m gone. Also feel good about him not being around if I do loose it… *sigh* > All someone with PTSD has to do is STOP being reasonable and SHOW folks > his/her symptoms.  PTSD is not like a broken leg … it doesn’t show up on > x-rays. :/

I agree. It’s just that I feel out of ‘control’ when I loose it like that. But yes, if we don’t show them how we actually feel, we don’t get the right treatment. I’m not normally a person that becomes hysterical. I’m more of a emotionally shut down person when it comes to showing my feelings like ’sorrow’, ‘hurt’, ‘tears’. Those emotions arn’t safe for me. I can yell, rant and rave. Those are the safe ones. > Actually, the professionals would probably prefer that we NOT wait until our > symptoms are uncontrollable before we contact them.  However, I know well > that it ‘feels’ demeaning sometimes to show my symptoms;  I have to just > swallow my pride in order to give the professionals something to work

with. Yes, I guess that’s what I did yesterday. > In the VA system, we have weekly group so that our current symptoms can be > checked out.  Your professionals may have a similar set up.  That’s how my > therapist(s) have kept track of whether I need an extra therapy session or > psychiatrist session immediately.  If your set-up allows for group, I hope > that you will attend.  It really makes a difference to me.

I’ve never been in group therapy before. Seriously don’t know if I could handle lots of strangers in the room. But maybe It might be worth a try. The gods know that 20 years of so called regular therapy hasn’t done diddley squat! Havn’t had any therapy the last few years. It might be worth a try again. Things can’t continue the way they have this past year… > Smile and there will be something to smile about! > Nancy

Thanks & take care Kitty For a valid e-mail address: remove all the ***

Response:

Hi De Garay, Thank you for your take on the situation. As I wrote to Nancy, I will consider it. I’ll at least give yet another try to some form of therapy. Who knows. New town, new doctors… I’m just feeling so low right now. Have no desire, no motivation. Feeling so empty, apart from the anger, sadness and hurt, that is like a flaming ball deep down inside of me. I know I’ve been here before and clawed myself up. It’s just that every time I’m sliding/falling down, it feels like I go deeper and deeper down. And have less and less motivation to climb back up again. I mean; what’s the use? Oh well, whatever. I’m glad that you guys are out there, even thoe I hate it that you all have to share this hell Take care Kitty For a valid e-mail address: remove all the *** – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Kitty, I agree group is one of the most valuable tools we have to combat this > illness, as a matter of fact that realization with the help of this ng is the > only reason I am writing today or else I would be in solitude searching for a > wisdom that is not within my grasp at this time. Think of it a core of people > who will do nothing but offer you support and understanding.Oh I forgot they > also have a truckload of intelligent data to use, I am not in that category as > of yet, my words are from within and often extemperaneous(sp/), Take Care, De > Garay

Response:

Hi Kitty! > I hate it that you all have > to share this hell

Heck, frayed nerves can become understandable.  It just seems to take some meds and therapy to get there. Remember where you were 12 months ago?  12 years ago?  If in doubt that you are making progress in taking better care of yourself, try a gratitude chart. :/ Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy

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