Question:
spoilered for talk of an issue bordering on inte*ration and body issues . . . . . . . . . . . . I’ve been wondering lately if I should look for a therapist or not. I’ve tried therapy before, but always got burned. It always felt like I was literally doing all the work (even the psychological mumbo-jumbo), that the therapist never had any suggestions for me that amounted to a hill of beans, and that he/she never really cared whether I even showed up for appointments. I guess the only reason I’m even thinking about it again is because I want to find out what I am…..meaning, am I MPD, DID, BPD, suffering from PTSD or just plain old depression/anxiety disorder. I meditate several times a day now, periods lasting less than a half hour…..talking to the "pieces". I’m feeling weird and out of sorts and trying to notice throughout the day if I ever "shift" from one piece to another and sometimes I think I do. The last week I’ve been concentrating my meditations on melding my dissociative state (the Void or the Ghost) to the rest of me. Last night I did a meditation where I gathered all the pieces and myself in the central part of the corridor. We joined hands in a circle and I spoke to them about us becoming one again…..my love and commitment to the good of the whole went out into the group and gradually (in my mind) we all moved toward the center of the circle until we all occupied the same space. I also spoke to the group (again) about weight issues, thinking/believing that maybe one of pieces is keeping me from losing weight no matter how many calories I cut out or how much exercise I engage in. I’ve been afraid that maybe one of them wants me to be heavier because then men will leave me alone. Whenever I’m thin men can’t keep their eyes off me….it’s like because I’m attractive to them it gives them permission to maul my body with their gaze. I had trouble going to sleep…..I felt so out of sorts. Usually when I meditate I conk out before I’ve even finished. I had a dream in which I was looking at my naked body in a mirror…..as I watched I was shocked at what I saw…..lard-like, solid fat all over my torso…..and a voice inside said I could never change it. I don’t really look like that, but the dream really upset me. I feel different today…..like there are many using my eyes to look out into the world….like there are many using my body to interact. It almost feels like a trance state and for the most part I like it. It’s just foreign to me. Anyone have any advice/comments/suggestions on this? Tell me what you really think…..no matter how harsh you think it may sound. I’m a big, strong girl and can handle the tough stuff. Okay….so I was sitting through my lunch yesterday crying about the loss of my little dog. I’m still incredibly strong. I am SO grateful that this group is here. You’ve no idea how much ASD helps me cope. Katherine (and her pieces) * * ^ ___/
Response:
Katherine (& your pieces): I am impressed by your ability to meditate as successfully as you do. I am even more impressed that you managed to gather all of you into that cetral corridor, and to move into the same space. How much good did it do you, do you know yet? On the question of whether or not to look for a therp…I guess I’m inclined to suggest looking again, because eventually you’ll find one who can work with *your* system, and build on the things you accomplish through meditation. I know it’s frustrating to search for the "right" therapist, though. Jen — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – spoilered for talk of an issue bordering on inte*ration and body issues . . . . . . . . . . . . I’ve been wondering lately if I should look for a therapist or not. I’ve tried therapy before, but always got burned. It always felt like I was literally doing all the work (even the psychological mumbo-jumbo), that the therapist never had any suggestions for me that amounted to a hill of beans, and that he/she never really cared whether I even showed up for appointments. I guess the only reason I’m even thinking about it again is because I want to find out what I am…..meaning, am I MPD, DID, BPD, suffering from PTSD or just plain old depression/anxiety disorder. I meditate several times a day now, periods lasting less than a half hour…..talking to the "pieces". I’m feeling weird and out of sorts and trying to notice throughout the day if I ever "shift" from one piece to another and sometimes I think I do. The last week I’ve been concentrating my meditations on melding my dissociative state (the Void or the Ghost) to the rest of me. Last night I did a meditation where I gathered all the pieces and myself in the central part of the corridor. We joined hands in a circle and I spoke to them about us becoming one again…..my love and commitment to the good of the whole went out into the group and gradually (in my mind) we all moved toward the center of the circle until we all occupied the same space. I also spoke to the group (again) about weight issues, thinking/believing that maybe one of pieces is keeping me from losing weight no matter how many calories I cut out or how much exercise I engage in. I’ve been afraid that maybe one of them wants me to be heavier because then men will leave me alone. Whenever I’m thin men can’t keep their eyes off me….it’s like because I’m attractive to them it gives them permission to maul my body with their gaze. I had trouble going to sleep…..I felt so out of sorts. Usually when I meditate I conk out before I’ve even finished. I had a dream in which I was looking at my naked body in a mirror…..as I watched I was shocked at what I saw…..lard-like, solid fat all over my torso…..and a voice inside said I could never change it. I don’t really look like that, but the dream really upset me. I feel different today…..like there are many using my eyes to look out into the world….like there are many using my body to interact. It almost feels like a trance state and for the most part I like it. It’s just foreign to me. Anyone have any advice/comments/suggestions on this? Tell me what you really think…..no matter how harsh you think it may sound. I’m a big, strong girl and can handle the tough stuff. Okay….so I was sitting through my lunch yesterday crying about the loss of my little dog. I’m still incredibly strong. I am SO grateful that this group is here. You’ve no idea how much ASD helps me cope. Katherine (and her pieces)
what you are describing sure sounds like dissociation. so you already know that you are dissociative. beyond that, diagnosis *doesn’t matter* the bottom line is that the diagnosis (mpd vs ddnos) has little to do with treatment. treatment is for the *symptoms* not the diagnosis. sorry, having a label doesn’t add anything magical :P should you seek therapy? if you feel that you are at a point that you can no longer progress on your own, then, certainly. if you decide to do so, then find someone who specializes in treating dissociation, so that sie knows more than you ;) the sidran foundation has a list of such therapists by area. try to start with a list of 2 or 3, and then interview therapists until you find someone who seems sie might fit (a potential therapist should be willing to have at least a short conversation on the phone with you before asking you to come in for a meeting that will cost you money (and we’d consider that meeting an interview, too). pink bunnies / ~ ) All conditions are temporary //| ( `o’_* — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
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