Question:
"Thomas Luby" <tel…@webtv.net> wrote in message
news:14758-38A75155-67@storefull-288.iap.bryant.webtv.net… > My father abused the shit out of me, almost everyday of my childhood and > teen years. It was both physical and verbal. The verbal was the more > prevalent. He literally tried to put the fear of God and him into my > older sister and me. He succeeded tremendoulsy.
I am curious as to how your sister is doing, if you care to share that information. > I even overheard him > tell a friend of his, when I was in my early twenties and had just moved > home, that he didn’t know how to raise his kids and was scared, so he > decided to scare the shit out of us (so we wouldn’t be bad).
A lot of parents use fear and guilt as tools for maintaining control for the same reason you gave….they were scared and never learned healthy ways of dealing with their world. And they pass it riight on along to their children. > Well, as > far as being angels and doing nothing wrong, it worked very well. But, > when you crippled someone with fear, doubt and guilt, they won’t do > anything right, or anything wrong. Eventually, they won’t do anthing!!!
Ah yes, fear, guilt and "doubt", especially self doubt are very fertile ingredients, even necessary ingredients, for the development of OCD. — Take care of your "self". whatatrip rbol…@premier1.net
Response:
Hey Tom, If you want to get a nice mental picture of Mars there is some great fiction out there: "Mars" by Ben Bova "Red Mars" by Kim Stanley Robinson "Semper Mars" by Ian Douglas just to mention a few! Or you can look at the nifty Pathfinder pictures on the web at www.jpl.nasa.gov (just follow the links from there to get to Pathfinder). Happy hunting! In Ares Vallis Nirgala Remove "mars" to reply
Response:
Did he ever pay you back? Stephen George <steph…@georgeharris.freeserve.co.uk> wrote in message
news:j91q4.4718$a7.48439@stones… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi Aimee, > I’m sorry to hear that you suffered so badly like that. My father > damaged my childhood with his extreme bad temper and > general aggressiveness, although he never physically abused > me. I lived in total fear though and became very defensive. > I made myself into a quiet, almost non-existent, kind of person > because I hardly dare get into any kind of trouble. > I was congratulating myself on "surviving" my childhood and > was looking forward to escaping into the adult world when > at age 17 he stole all my money! I got extremely depressed > and dropped out of school and I’ve been mentally ill ever > since. However, we now get along fairly well (I still live with > my parents), although I must admit that I had to grit my teeth > and keep my mouth shut for a long time before my anger > finally went away. > Your home pages certainly fooled me! > Kind regards, > Steve > ~ http://www.mybookmarks.com/public/Steve_George > ~ steph…@georgeharris.freeserve.co.uk > ~ Fax & Voicemail: (+44) 0704 470 0528
Response:
Hi Tom!!! 
Thanx for replying to my reply. I will reply to your reply from my reply. Confused? I am easily confused myself, esp. with this gawd damn OCD! My mind worx on a different wavelength the most, which has a very mysterious way of working. Anyhoo, I separated my responses with lines for less confusion. Luby <tel…@webtv.net> wrote in message
news:18946-38A983F8-18@storefull-285.iap.bryant.webtv.net… > Aimmee wrote:
FIRST OF ALL IT IS "AIMEE" 
hee > Thomas!! Your post really hit home!!! I really appreciate you taking > the time out to address the abuse issue with me. Seems like we have alot > in common as far as being victims of abuse. > Hey!! Your welcome!!! I am glad you could identify with some of my > experiences (but sorry they are sad ones). Yes, you and I could probably > sit down and swap "war stories" for hours and hours.
————————————————————————— – ———————————— You express yourself so well when you write. A great trait you hold. I don’t think we could sit down and swap stories for hours & hours! We could probably go on for days till we are blu in the face!!!! :-O ————————————————————————— – ————————————– > You wrote: > First of all, I want to say that I am so sorry that you had to endure > all the abuse from your father. 
( > Ahhhh, piece of cake!!! NOT!!! But, thanks. It also seems like way too > many OCDer’s on this NG had abusive upbringings. > ————————————————————————–
—————————————- There must be some connection. I know that OCD can result from a tramatic stressful event/situation. I also have noticed that other OCD sufferers are diagnosed with PTSD like I have. ————————————————————————— – ————————————– – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> You wrote: > I know what you mean about leaving home thinking the abuse would end but > didn’t. > You know what? I do not remember what I thought when I left for college, > but I was so overwhelmed with tormenting thoughts about God, sinning, > evil verses good, forgiveness, hell and so forth, I probably wasn’t even > thinking about how my father wuld trt me. I also had mucho intrusive > thoughts about harming people with my thoughts 9if you can understand > that). I was a mess. I do remember trying to blame my father for > everything at some point, in my freshman and sophomore years, while > seeing two shrinks. I remember how much I hated my father and one shrink > diagnosed me as "the hate towards your father is eating you alive"!!!! > HA!!! He was right but that was not the main issue. It would take me > decades todeal with all that hate and anger and, of course, I think my > OCD prolonged and exaggerated that "hate" and "anger". That isust a > theory on my part. Who knows and who cares. FUCK IT!!!! > Wh says I am "tangential"???
————————————————————————— – ————————————– That is exactly what my shrink (golly I really despise this word…sounds totally degrading, like the nicknamed my mother used to call me "bird brain") was telling me! She told me that I have a serious ANGER probelm and that is the only emotion I have. I think I used/use anger as a way of not dealing with the real issues. I used to sit in therapy sessions totally pissed and complained the whole time about everything as to why I was not progressing in treatment. I would use my mother’s abuse towards me as an excuse. She told me that she did not want to hear me complain so much and that we should work on how to deal with the issue and find a solution to the probelm(s) She irritated the fuck out of me!!! I used to walk out flaming pissed in the middle of sessions. But you know it was those sessions that I really got the most out of. ————————————————————————— – ————————————– > You wrote: > I am glad to hear that your dad did not back down on you and leave you > homeless though. > No, I do not think he ever would have done that. He has told many times > in the last year or so, that he could never turn his back on me. That is > nice to hear. But, when you hate someone so much and for so long, are > fighting with them, are financially dependant on them and are > debilitated by fear to the point that you can n function or work, you > can get very scared. > ————————————————————————–
—————————————- Oh my i know what you mean!!! Kind of felt like a no win situaion eh? Very scary and insecure feeling!!!! kind of like you felt stuck and there was no way you could escape..unless you won the loterry or something Than you could really go take the money and run!!! Run far and as fast as you can. Reminds me…I had/have alot of people ask me since I run alot… "AIMEE WHAT IS IT THAT YOU ARE RUNNING FROM???" I really enjoy running, it is a tool to numb out and clear the mind. It helps get rid of alot of anger/anxiety that I hold. I admit is can be addicting, but it’s a positive drug. I really get irritable if I can’t purge my anger this way and literally feel like I am going to burst a bubble! ha!! ————————————————————————— – ————————————– > You wrote: > Seems like he was an angry man with alot of deep down issues he needed > to work out. > Yes, he was a "rage-aholic". UNREAL!!!! But, I know his upbringing might > have been more abusive than mine. It just seems to go from generation to > generation until someone is smart or healthy enough to stop the cycle. I > am sure your mother was abused as a kid, as well. There are usually > reasons why people behave the way they do.
————————————————————————— – ————————————– Same as my mother, like some kind of demon was inside her!! i can still see her angry facial expression clearly! I have dreams of her angry face raging at me! 
It is terrifying!!! It is ironic..the days that I have these dream/flashbax is the days when my OCD it way out of control!!! My mother was more mentally abused by her mother. Her father was a Colonel & pilot in the Air Force (a flying tiger who flew food over to the Berliners) ad was harldy home. She was the oldest of 4 brothers who were all close in age. She had it ruff since she was the oldest and was told to odo all the chores (a girl thing back than?) I always try to put myself in other peoples shoes and I always treat people the way I would want to be treated. ————————————————————————— – ————————————– > You wrte: > So the only escape was to take his anger out on you and abuse you. > And, my siblings to lesser degree. And for some reason, I was a real > asshole to my younger sister for 5-7 years, while growing up. I think it > was combo of my anxiety level, obsessiveness, jealousy, and passing on > some of the abuse I was getting from my father (I was the oldest male > child and biggest target). Ah, who knows??? And it is ancient history > now!!! I just realized that I am getting uncomfortable writing about all > this stuff. Hmmmmmm………..?????????
————————————————————————— – ————————————– My older sister got some abuse but not nearly as much as I had to endure. My younger sister was the baby so she got very minimal..she just got to witness it all. I was the quiet one, never complained just did my own thing. They on the other hand we’re more out of hand than I was. We all were pretty much good kids though. I never got sick as a kid and they did. You know what my mother used as an excuse as to why I never got nurture from her? "Well you never got sick" and needed love and attention!!! GOOD ONE EH?? Yes I too am getting kind irritable as I write this. Good therapy I guess…kind of feels good knowing that I am writing this to someone who has dealt with the same crap ya know. ————————————————————————— – ————————————– You wrote: > I am so happy for you that you developed a better relationship with your > dad even though you so not like what you heard from time to time. > Thanks. Same to you (with mother).
————————————————————————— – ————————————– I probably be worse off right now had I didn’t. I used to think that I would be better off if I completely cut contact with my mother and that it would only add fuel to the fire. I was wrong. I actually have a better self of self and well being now. ————————————————————————— – ————————————– > Yo wrote: > You just have to accept that some people will never change totally. > Wow!! I am impressed!!! I am so glad you realize that at your young age. > I do not think I did at your age. Although I was trying to change > myself, I think part of me was foolishly hoping my father would turn > into "Ozzie Nelson".
————————————————————————— – ————————————– I wouldn’t be too impressed, seems I was a slow learner. ( Ozzie Nelson? Was that a TV show long ago? I think I might have heard my dad mention it? ————————————————————————— – ————————————– – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> You wrote: > I really admire your courage to build a better relationship with your > dad despite all the hurt and pain you put you through. You came out the
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Response:
Aimee, I do not remember what thread you wrote under about this subject, so I just decided to post here about it. In one of your posts, you claimed that you were very close to your father but that your mother was very abusive and that you would NEVER get over fearing her. I am here to tell you that you are WRONG!!! My father abused the shit out of me, almost everyday of my childhood and teen years. It was both physical and verbal. The verbal was the more prevalent. He literally tried to put the fear of God and him into my older sister and me. He succeeded tremendoulsy. I even overheard him tell a friend of his, when I was in my early twenties and had just moved home, that he didn’t know how to raise his kids and was scared, so he decided to scare the shit out of us (so we wouldn’t be bad). Well, as far as being angels and doing nothing wrong, it worked very well. But, when you crippled someone with fear, doubt and guilt, they won’t do anything right, or anything wrong. Eventually, they won’t do anthing!!! My father stopped abusing me physically at age 18 but it seems the verbal abuse got worse. Although I lived away from home most of my life since the age 18, he would still verbally destroy me every chance he got, whether in person or on the phone. I wonder how many times I cried for the first 30-45 minutes of my 3 hour trip back to Boston all those years. I would leave home so wounded, empty, hollow and hurt. I thought it would never end. I feared my father my whole life, up until recently, and I just turned 41 in January. Not in my wildest fantasies did I ever believe that I could overcome the fear that I blamed my father for putting into me. Yes, for years I blamed my father for all my fear, hurt, anger, guilt, fear of God and so forth. Even when I was 20, 25, 30 and even 35, I still did not beleve I could ever feel comfortable around my father or not fear him. Well, starting a few years ago, and maybe it was the luvox, CBT, age, sick and tired of being scared or the drugs allowing my immense anger to come out, I started talking back to him. I even ripped the shit out of him at Thanksgiving dinner, in 1996, in front of everyone (ruined the dinner!!). After dinner, he was like a caged lion, looking for revenge and mumbling things to himself. I had to get out of there but I had ‘fired" my first real shot at him. FELT GOOD!!!!!!! From there, I had more arguments and fights with him, holding my ground and telling him off. Ocassionally, he would try to throw me out of his house. One time I left but another time I said "no!". I told him to call the cops if he wanted me to leave (which I knew he would never do! What would the neighbors think??!! LOL!!). Finally, I had to decide that it was more important to break thru my fear of him and challenge ALL my fears and maybe be homeless, then to be crippled by fear and accept his financial support for the rest of my life. So, I had as many fights as I could muster with him, never backing down and thinking it is more important to break free of these fears and lose his financial support than to live this worthless and painful empty life with fear and his financial support. Well, my parents did not ever turn their backs on me, financially or otherwise. And after a very scary, alltime low point in our relationship in September of 1998, things started to miraculously get better later that fall. There was my grandfather’s passing that November that may have played a huge role in starting this new and better relationship my parents and I have. Too long to explain here. However, my realtionship with my father, and maybe my mother ( we only had problems in recent years), has never been this good , since I was 7 or 8 years old. Almost a miracle I would say!!! It started in the late fall of ‘98 and continues to get better. Anyway, my father is still a somewhat angry, uptight, asshole at times, but I think he is really trying to be more personable and agreeable. And, of course, he is stlll financially generous with me as he has been my whole life. But, even as the emotional cripple he is, he is trying his best to carve out some new relationship with me for however many years we have left together. I can not say I am 100% fear free of my father, but I almost am. I will not take an shit from him and I dish it out as much as he does. Physically speaking, he is 68 and I am 41. That helps (knowing that I could kick his ass if I had to. But I know I never would or will.). I have even been ordering him around, in the last year, as our family has sold his business, sold one home, are building another house and trying to manage other financial and family related matters. That feels GREAT, too!!!!!! So, if you are still reading, my point is that you are soooo young and I believe, in time, you will no longer fear your mom. Give yourslf time to grow and learn and experience. Plus, you are a spunky little gal!!! You will do it!! I now it is painful and you want it to happen NOW, but reality sometimes dictates, otherwise. Remember, HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL!!!! Tom
Response:
Tom, I feel your pain. That is why you flame everybody. I understand now. I’ll be your punching bag, tommy girl. Take out all the pain on everyone else. You can’t hide your true colours. TL * Sent from RemarQ http://www.remarq.com The Internet’s Discussion Network * The fastest and easiest way to search and participate in Usenet – Free!
Response:
Tom, This post has totally given me a new image of you. A person instead of a bored angry man just trying to put people down. Honestly, this was by far one of the most touching and honest posts I have ever read. I don’t really know what to say right now actually, maybe I have been wrong all this time. If so, I am sorry. Sarah "Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable" Tin Man-Wizard of Oz http://hometown.aol.com/saracuty22/
Response:
Thomas, you took it a hellava lot longer than I could. I left home at 16 when my braces had to be surgically removed after my dad jumped me when I got home. I know it sucks. We have a much better relationship now. Calvin "Thomas Luby" <tel…@webtv.net> wrote in message
news:14758-38A75155-67@storefull-288.iap.bryant.webtv.net… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Aimee, > I do not remember what thread you wrote under about this subject, so I > just decided to post here about it. > In one of your posts, you claimed that you were very close to your > father but that your mother was very abusive and that you would NEVER > get over fearing her. I am here to tell you that you are WRONG!!! > My father abused the shit out of me, almost everyday of my childhood and > teen years. It was both physical and verbal. The verbal was the more > prevalent. He literally tried to put the fear of God and him into my > older sister and me. He succeeded tremendoulsy. I even overheard him > tell a friend of his, when I was in my early twenties and had just moved > home, that he didn’t know how to raise his kids and was scared, so he > decided to scare the shit out of us (so we wouldn’t be bad). Well, as > far as being angels and doing nothing wrong, it worked very well. But, > when you crippled someone with fear, doubt and guilt, they won’t do > anything right, or anything wrong. Eventually, they won’t do anthing!!! > My father stopped abusing me physically at age 18 but it seems the > verbal abuse got worse. Although I lived away from home most of my life > since the age 18, he would still verbally destroy me every chance he > got, whether in person or on the phone. I wonder how many times I cried > for the first 30-45 minutes of my 3 hour trip back to Boston all those > years. I would leave home so wounded, empty, hollow and hurt. I thought > it would never end. > I feared my father my whole life, up until recently, and I just turned > 41 in January. Not in my wildest fantasies did I ever believe that I > could overcome the fear that I blamed my father for putting into me. > Yes, for years I blamed my father for all my fear, hurt, anger, guilt, > fear of God and so forth. > Even when I was 20, 25, 30 and even 35, I still did not beleve I could > ever feel comfortable around my father or not fear him. Well, starting a > few years ago, and maybe it was the luvox, CBT, age, sick and tired of > being scared or the drugs allowing my immense anger to come out, I > started talking back to him. I even ripped the shit out of him at > Thanksgiving dinner, in 1996, in front of everyone (ruined the > dinner!!). After dinner, he was like a caged lion, looking for revenge > and mumbling things to himself. I had to get out of there but I had > ‘fired" my first real shot at him. FELT GOOD!!!!!!! > From there, I had more arguments and fights with him, holding my ground > and telling him off. Ocassionally, he would try to throw me out of his > house. One time I left but another time I said "no!". I told him to call > the cops if he wanted me to leave (which I knew he would never do! What > would the neighbors think??!! LOL!!). > Finally, I had to decide that it was more important to break thru my > fear of him and challenge ALL my fears and maybe be homeless, then to be > crippled by fear and accept his financial support for the rest of my > life. So, I had as many fights as I could muster with him, never backing > down and thinking it is more important to break free of these fears and > lose his financial support than to live this worthless and painful empty > life with fear and his financial support. > Well, my parents did not ever turn their backs on me, financially or > otherwise. And after a very scary, alltime low point in our relationship > in September of 1998, things started to miraculously get better later > that fall. There was my grandfather’s passing that November that may > have played a huge role in starting this new and better relationship my > parents and I have. Too long to explain here. However, my realtionship > with my father, and maybe my mother ( we only had problems in recent > years), has never been this good , since I was 7 or 8 years old. Almost > a miracle I would say!!! It started in the late fall of ‘98 and > continues to get better. > Anyway, my father is still a somewhat angry, uptight, asshole at times, > but I think he is really trying to be more personable and agreeable. > And, of course, he is stlll financially generous with me as he has been > my whole life. But, even as the emotional cripple he is, he is trying > his best to carve out some new relationship with me for however many > years we have left together. > I can not say I am 100% fear free of my father, but I almost am. I will > not take an shit from him and I dish it out as much as he does. > Physically speaking, he is 68 and I am 41. That helps (knowing that I > could kick his ass if I had to. But I know I never would or will.). I > have even been ordering him around, in the last year, as our family has > sold his business, sold one home, are building another house and trying > to manage other financial and family related matters. That feels GREAT, > too!!!!!! > So, if you are still reading, my point is that you are soooo young and I > believe, in time, you will no longer fear your mom. Give yourslf time to > grow and learn and experience. Plus, you are a spunky little gal!!! You > will do it!! I now it is painful and you want it to happen NOW, but > reality sometimes dictates, otherwise. > Remember, HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL!!!! > Tom
Response:
Aimee, I am so sorry about the abuse you endured. I can only imagine what it must have been like for you. I also admire you for being able to take a stand against it. It sounds to me like you are very strong person and a survivor instead of a victim. Thank you for sharing your story. You have a friend here if you are ever in need. Take care, Talisa "Aimee Harms" <ai…@starpower.net> wrote in message
news:888ocn$emn$1@bob.news.rcn.net… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Thomas!! Your post really hit home!!! I really appreciate you taking the > time out to address the abuse issue with me. Seems like we have alot in > common as far as being victims of abuse. First of all, I want to say that I > am so sorry that you had to endure all the abuse from your father. ( I > know what you mean about leaving home thinking the abuse would end but > didn’t. I am glad to hear that your dad did not back down on you and leave > you homeless though. Seems like he was an angry man with alot of deep down > issues he needed to work out. So the only escape was to take his anger out > on you and abuse you. I am so happy for you that you developed a better > relationship with your dad even though you so not like what you heard from > time to time. You just have to accept that some people will never change > totally. I really admire your courage to build a better relationship with > your dad despite all the hurt and pain you put you through. You came out the > stronger one. > My story? OK! (from the movie "The Jerk") My mother gabe birth to me & my 2 > sister’s (I am the middle & the only redhead) all 1 year apart. She was a > VERY young mother. She was also an officer’s wife (dad in the Air Force) and > had alot of pressure on her, etc.. My sister’s teasing me also did not help > matters, picking on me and telling my mother I did things that I didn’t. My > mother would get the spatchela or hairbrush out and beat me to a pulp. I > cannot count the days that I had to spend days in my room with no food. I > literally got sick from lack of food. Not sure if that is where my ED came > in or not? Could be a possible factor? > It was not so much the physical abuse that hurt, it was the mental abuse > that she subjected me to. She would give things to my sisters and exclude > me. I have flashbacks about all this, which she refuses to remember. I > remember all the times when I had to do their chores while they went out to > play. She never called me by my name. I was known as "Birdbrain" or > "Dingbat". Constantly, I still have flashbacks of her saying, "Where is that > birdbrain, I am gonna knock a knot on her!!" I remember hiding from her, > which I still have dreams of. I could go on but it really hurts to bring up > everything that she did to me in detail. I never once was nurtured or given > praise for anything. > My parent’s had a marriage somewhat like the movie "War of the Roses", but > it was my mom that was the only aggressor. I mean it was hell. Both parents > worked and my mom would come home and drink all evening long…never paying > attention to my day went, etc… She would bitch and moan about her job and > the assholes she worked with while my dad just kind of tuned out. He was > sick of hearing it. She would get so anger..the next thing you know she was > throwing plates, ash trays out the window (several times cops would show > up), etc…For some reason I was an easy target and she would find reasons > to charge at me and beat the shit out of be. Several times I was forced to > wear turtle necks to school because of the abrasions she placed on my neck. > The beat went on for several years. > Finally (while we lived in Germany) my parents split up. My mom committed > adultery and was given a second chance by my dad to break off the > relationship too!! UGH!! She was in denial and told my dad is was over with. > He hired a German spy and caught her in the act. Anyway…the divorce was > now in place. I came back to the states to live with my dad while my > sister’s stayed with my mom in Germany. I was so fucken relived to get the > hell away from my mother!!!!!!!! This divorces should have taken place long > before!!!!!! I was 15 at the time that I was set free!!! But..just like you > Tom, my mom continued her verbal abuse which left my hurting big time. I do > not know why it upset me but it did. This would go on for years. > She also was trying to sue my dad for 15 years after the divorce for 2 > million dollars!!!!!! (pension) I was so angry…my feelings toward my mom > were beyond anger!!!! She kept losing each court case and appealing each > time. She also married a pretty rich guy and she was a GS13. She was full of > hatred and behaved under pure greed. It was just two years ago that I did > something real vindictive to get back at her. This was the time when she > appealed the last case making it now go to the supreme court. My dad was > having to fork out thousands of dollars and I felt so sad for him. She > deserved nothing and all the abuse she put me through and the fam. I was so > full of anger that I got up at am went over to her house and slashed the > tires on her Audi and vandalized her mailbox. I still can’t believe I did > that!! Anyway, I heard the dog back and I put the pedal to the medal! I > literally ran every green light! I was shaking and full of fear. Well, it > was just last year that she lost and could never appeal again. > Since than my relationship with my mother got better. This was after I was > in the hospital for my Anorexia, OCD and Severe Depression. I was forced > into treatment because I OD’ed on Prozac and Trazadone and was found > unresponsive. I will never forget having my stomach pumped with charcoal and > being strapped down like an animal. I went through therapy sessions with > her. At first she was in denial about the abuse, etc… She was saying > things like "Don’t you remember the happy times?" HELL NO!!! Cuz there were > none!!" Finally she broke down and cried during a session and asked me for > forgiveness. It took awhile for me to accept her apology but eventually I > came out strong and accepted it. I will FORGIVE but will not FORGET!!!!!!! > Part of my therapy was to build a home page and make it as positive as > possible without saying anything negative. > Believe me…this was a real test for me to do!! I did not say anything > about my mother at all though. She is jealous about the relationship I have > with my father. WELL HELLO!!!! I wonder why!! If you want to see my personal > websites here are the URL’s. The family picture makes it seem like we are > one happy family, but never judge a book by it’s cover. > http://pages.ivillage.com/bh/aimeemharms, > http://pages.ivillage.com/bh/flowerapril69 > So that is the story of my life and the crap I had to live with! It was a > childhood that I would not relive if given the chance!!!!!!!!!! Damn….did > I write a novel or what? I would be shocked if you are still reading this. I > am pretty open about my life and what went on. I find it very therapeutic to > purge my feelings out about what went on. I am sorry for all this rambling. > Tom..you just triggered a very sensitive matter and I am thankful for that. > You have made me realize alot. My mother just turned 52. I told her that she > is now dealing with a full deck. ) I still feel uncomfortable around my > mother when I go over there to visit. I cringe everytime she hugs me. She is > till an asshole at times, talks bad about me dad, etc..It also hurts for me > to witness all the love and attention my half sister (who is 11 yrs. old) > gets. I have tried to put myself in her shoes and actually I feel sorry for > her.I am just realizing I have no control over her actions now and to accept > that she will never change. It is time to learn to be my own best parent & > love myself. I am so hard on myself and have been so self destructive, kind > of like I am carrying on the abuse my mother gave to me. She is no longer in > control of me, I AM!! > I hope I did not bore any of you and once again I apologize for carrying on > like this. I just feel like a product of pure abuse. Trying do hard to look > ahead and not look back. > Aimee > Thomas Luby <tel…@webtv.net> wrote in message > news:14758-38A75155-67@storefull-288.iap.bryant.webtv.net… > > Aimee, > > I do not remember what thread you wrote under about this subject, so I > > just decided to post here about it. > > In one of your posts, you claimed that you were very close to your > > father but that your mother was very abusive and that you would NEVER > > get over fearing her. I am here to tell you that you are WRONG!!! > > My father abused the shit out of me, almost everyday of my childhood and > > teen years. It was both physical and verbal. The verbal was the more > > prevalent. He literally tried to put the fear of God and him into my > > older sister and me. He succeeded tremendoulsy. I even overheard him > > tell a friend of his, when I was in my early twenties and had just moved > > home, that he didn’t know how to raise his kids and was scared, so he > > decided to scare the shit out of us (so we wouldn’t be bad). Well, as > > far as being angels and doing nothing wrong, it worked very well. But, > > when you crippled someone with fear, doubt and guilt, they won’t do > > anything right, or anything wrong. Eventually, they won’t do anthing!!! > > My father stopped abusing me physically at age 18 but it seems the > > verbal abuse got worse. Although I lived away from home most of my life > > since the age 18, he would still verbally destroy me every chance he > > got, whether in person or on the phone. I wonder how many times I cried > > for the first 30-45 minutes of my 3 hour trip back to Boston all those > > years. I would leave home so wounded, empty, hollow and hurt. I thought > > it would never end. > > I feared my father my whole life, up until
… read more »
Response:
Nirgala wrote:
Great…just what this group needs…another flamer stirring things up. Geez. Tom has been writing POSITIVE posts for the most part lately, excepting the one to that horrible racist person. Give him a break. Nirgala, Thanks for the support. Don’t worry about the trolls. They have more problems than we do. BTW, how do I get to "Ares Vallis" in my mind? It sounds like such a nice place (I hope it is nicer that Mars looked in "Total Recall"!!). Take care, Tom
Response:
Aimee, I am so sorry, that you suffered so much abuse in your childhood! You went threw hell with your mother! I went threw hell with my mother, but in a different way. My parents got divorced when I was young. They got divorced because my father was cheating on her. A few years later my mother got remarried to a very nice man.(I didn’t accept him at first.) My mother never got over what my father had done to her. So she started drinking. She was drunk so much of my teen years. I would never bring any of my friends home from school, because I never knew what to expect. Will she be drunk or will she be sober??? She also was a very mean drunk. She was verbally and physically abusive when she drank.(only when she drank) I remember one time when I hid the bottle from her, she chased me around the house with a knife. I also remember the police coming to our house alot, to take her to the hospital, because she would pass out so often. My older sister and I would call the police, because we didn’t know what else to do. My step father was in sales, so he traveled alot. Anyways the boose finally got to her, and she passed away in her sleep, when I was sixteen. She died on my real father’s birthday. VERY SPOOKY! Well, that is part of my sad story. It is bad enough we had such tough upbringings, but then to have OCD on top of it. I just don’t understand at times. Why? Take Care, Gretchen Aimee Harms <ai…@starpower.net> wrote in message
news:888ocn$emn$1@bob.news.rcn.net… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Thomas!! Your post really hit home!!! I really appreciate you taking the > time out to address the abuse issue with me. Seems like we have alot in > common as far as being victims of abuse. First of all, I want to say that I > am so sorry that you had to endure all the abuse from your father. ( I > know what you mean about leaving home thinking the abuse would end but > didn’t. I am glad to hear that your dad did not back down on you and leave > you homeless though. Seems like he was an angry man with alot of deep down > issues he needed to work out. So the only escape was to take his anger out > on you and abuse you. I am so happy for you that you developed a better > relationship with your dad even though you so not like what you heard from > time to time. You just have to accept that some people will never change > totally. I really admire your courage to build a better relationship with > your dad despite all the hurt and pain you put you through. You came out the > stronger one. > My story? OK! (from the movie "The Jerk") My mother gabe birth to me & my 2 > sister’s (I am the middle & the only redhead) all 1 year apart. She was a > VERY young mother. She was also an officer’s wife (dad in the Air Force) and > had alot of pressure on her, etc.. My sister’s teasing me also did not help > matters, picking on me and telling my mother I did things that I didn’t. My > mother would get the spatchela or hairbrush out and beat me to a pulp. I > cannot count the days that I had to spend days in my room with no food. I > literally got sick from lack of food. Not sure if that is where my ED came > in or not? Could be a possible factor? > It was not so much the physical abuse that hurt, it was the mental abuse > that she subjected me to. She would give things to my sisters and exclude > me. I have flashbacks about all this, which she refuses to remember. I > remember all the times when I had to do their chores while they went out to > play. She never called me by my name. I was known as "Birdbrain" or > "Dingbat". Constantly, I still have flashbacks of her saying, "Where is that > birdbrain, I am gonna knock a knot on her!!" I remember hiding from her, > which I still have dreams of. I could go on but it really hurts to bring up > everything that she did to me in detail. I never once was nurtured or given > praise for anything. > My parent’s had a marriage somewhat like the movie "War of the Roses", but > it was my mom that was the only aggressor. I mean it was hell. Both parents > worked and my mom would come home and drink all evening long…never paying > attention to my day went, etc… She would bitch and moan about her job and > the assholes she worked with while my dad just kind of tuned out. He was > sick of hearing it. She would get so anger..the next thing you know she was > throwing plates, ash trays out the window (several times cops would show > up), etc…For some reason I was an easy target and she would find reasons > to charge at me and beat the shit out of be. Several times I was forced to > wear turtle necks to school because of the abrasions she placed on my neck. > The beat went on for several years. > Finally (while we lived in Germany) my parents split up. My mom committed > adultery and was given a second chance by my dad to break off the > relationship too!! UGH!! She was in denial and told my dad is was over with. > He hired a German spy and caught her in the act. Anyway…the divorce was > now in place. I came back to the states to live with my dad while my > sister’s stayed with my mom in Germany. I was so fucken relived to get the > hell away from my mother!!!!!!!! This divorces should have taken place long > before!!!!!! I was 15 at the time that I was set free!!! But..just like you > Tom, my mom continued her verbal abuse which left my hurting big time. I do > not know why it upset me but it did. This would go on for years. > She also was trying to sue my dad for 15 years after the divorce for 2 > million dollars!!!!!! (pension) I was so angry…my feelings toward my mom > were beyond anger!!!! She kept losing each court case and appealing each > time. She also married a pretty rich guy and she was a GS13. She was full of > hatred and behaved under pure greed. It was just two years ago that I did > something real vindictive to get back at her. This was the time when she > appealed the last case making it now go to the supreme court. My dad was > having to fork out thousands of dollars and I felt so sad for him. She > deserved nothing and all the abuse she put me through and the fam. I was so > full of anger that I got up at am went over to her house and slashed the > tires on her Audi and vandalized her mailbox. I still can’t believe I did > that!! Anyway, I heard the dog back and I put the pedal to the medal! I > literally ran every green light! I was shaking and full of fear. Well, it > was just last year that she lost and could never appeal again. > Since than my relationship with my mother got better. This was after I was > in the hospital for my Anorexia, OCD and Severe Depression. I was forced > into treatment because I OD’ed on Prozac and Trazadone and was found > unresponsive. I will never forget having my stomach pumped with charcoal and > being strapped down like an animal. I went through therapy sessions with > her. At first she was in denial about the abuse, etc… She was saying > things like "Don’t you remember the happy times?" HELL NO!!! Cuz there were > none!!" Finally she broke down and cried during a session and asked me for > forgiveness. It took awhile for me to accept her apology but eventually I > came out strong and accepted it. I will FORGIVE but will not FORGET!!!!!!! > Part of my therapy was to build a home page and make it as positive as > possible without saying anything negative. > Believe me…this was a real test for me to do!! I did not say anything > about my mother at all though. She is jealous about the relationship I have > with my father. WELL HELLO!!!! I wonder why!! If you want to see my personal > websites here are the URL’s. The family picture makes it seem like we are > one happy family, but never judge a book by it’s cover. > http://pages.ivillage.com/bh/aimeemharms, > http://pages.ivillage.com/bh/flowerapril69 > So that is the story of my life and the crap I had to live with! It was a > childhood that I would not relive if given the chance!!!!!!!!!! Damn….did > I write a novel or what? I would be shocked if you are still reading this. I > am pretty open about my life and what went on. I find it very therapeutic to > purge my feelings out about what went on. I am sorry for all this rambling. > Tom..you just triggered a very sensitive matter and I am thankful for that. > You have made me realize alot. My mother just turned 52. I told her that she > is now dealing with a full deck. ) I still feel uncomfortable around my > mother when I go over there to visit. I cringe everytime she hugs me. She is > till an asshole at times, talks bad about me dad, etc..It also hurts for me > to witness all the love and attention my half sister (who is 11 yrs. old) > gets. I have tried to put myself in her shoes and actually I feel sorry for > her.I am just realizing I have no control over her actions now and to accept > that she will never change. It is time to learn to be my own best parent & > love myself. I am so hard on myself and have been so self destructive, kind > of like I am carrying on the abuse my mother gave to me. She is no longer in > control of me, I AM!! > I hope I did not bore any of you and once again I apologize for carrying on > like this. I just feel like a product of pure abuse. Trying do hard to look > ahead and not look back. > Aimee > Thomas Luby <tel…@webtv.net> wrote in message > news:14758-38A75155-67@storefull-288.iap.bryant.webtv.net… > > Aimee, > > I do not remember what thread you wrote under about this subject, so I > > just decided to post here about it. > > In one of your posts, you claimed that you were very close to your > > father but that your mother was very abusive and that you would NEVER > > get over fearing her. I am here to tell you that you are WRONG!!! > > My father abused the shit out of me, almost everyday of my childhood and > > teen years. It was both physical and verbal. The verbal was the more > > prevalent. He literally tried to put the fear of God and
… read more »
Response:
Hi Aimee, I’m sorry to hear that you suffered so badly like that. My father damaged my childhood with his extreme bad temper and general aggressiveness, although he never physically abused me. I lived in total fear though and became very defensive. I made myself into a quiet, almost non-existent, kind of person because I hardly dare get into any kind of trouble. I was congratulating myself on "surviving" my childhood and was looking forward to escaping into the adult world when at age 17 he stole all my money! I got extremely depressed and dropped out of school and I’ve been mentally ill ever since. However, we now get along fairly well (I still live with my parents), although I must admit that I had to grit my teeth and keep my mouth shut for a long time before my anger finally went away. Your home pages certainly fooled me! Kind regards, Steve ~ http://www.mybookmarks.com/public/Steve_George ~ steph…@georgeharris.freeserve.co.uk ~ Fax & Voicemail: (+44) 0704 470 0528
Response:
Aimee Harms wrote: > Steve!!! ) *hugs* That is awful that you lived is terrible fear like you > did. Children are so innocent and it really sux for parents to use their > power on their kids by verbally and physically abusing the shi*t out > of them!! Such cowards! Or the famous word LOSER!!!!!!! > Things will only get better….
Thanks Aimee!!! I think that you need even more hugs than me – your story was really sad to hear. And Tom’s too. I think that some people just aren’t cut out to make good parents. You’re a coooooool lady!!!!! Steve
Response:
I don’t know…..who does?
Response:
Great…just what this group needs…another flamer stirring things up. Geez. Tom has been writing POSITIVE posts for the most part lately, excepting the one to that horrible racist person. Give him a break. In Ares Vallis Nirgala Remove "mars" to reply
Response:
Ida wrote:
I had to laught at your Thanksgiving story, Tom. I am glad. If I make someone laugh, great!! Good therapy!! Besides, I got a great laugh at your Thanksgiving Day story. I was just picturing all these people yelling (LOL!!) at each other and all leaving in a huff!!! Too bad it didn’t end with a food fight!!! Mash potato’s flying across the room, throw a drumstick at "Aunt Emmy", cranberry going "splat" on some relatives new dress and pour gravy over some bald uncle’s head!!! Families!!! Aren’t they great??!!! Tom
Response:
Aimmee wrote:
Thomas!! Your post really hit home!!! I really appreciate you taking the time out to address the abuse issue with me. Seems like we have alot in common as far as being victims of abuse. Hey!! Your welcome!!! I am glad you could identify with some of my experiences (but sorry they are sad ones). Yes, you and I could probably sit down and swap "war stories" for hours and hours. You wrote:
First of all, I want to say that I am so sorry that you had to endure all the abuse from your father. ( Ahhhh, piece of cake!!! NOT!!! But, thanks. It also seems like way too many OCDer’s on this NG had abusive upbringings. You wrote:
I know what you mean about leaving home thinking the abuse would end but didn’t. You know what? I do not remember what I thought when I left for college, but I was so overwhelmed with tormenting thoughts about God, sinning, evil verses good, forgiveness, hell and so forth, I probably wasn’t even thinking about how my father wuld trt me. I also had mucho intrusive thoughts about harming people with my thoughts 9if you can understand that). I was a mess. I do remember trying to blame my father for everything at some point, in my freshman and sophomore years, while seeing two shrinks. I remember how much I hated my father and one shrink diagnosed me as "the hate towards your father is eating you alive"!!!! HA!!! He was right but that was not the main issue. It would take me decades todeal with all that hate and anger and, of course, I think my OCD prolonged and exaggerated that "hate" and "anger". That isust a theory on my part. Who knows and who cares. FUCK IT!!!! Wh says I am "tangential"??? You wrote:
I am glad to hear that your dad did not back down on you and leave you homeless though. No, I do not think he ever would have done that. He has told many times in the last year or so, that he could never turn his back on me. That is nice to hear. But, when you hate someone so much and for so long, are fighting with them, are financially dependant on them and are debilitated by fear to the point that you can n function or work, you can get very scared. You wrote:
Seems like he was an angry man with alot of deep down issues he needed to work out. Yes, he was a "rage-aholic". UNREAL!!!! But, I know his upbringing might have been more abusive than mine. It just seems to go from generation to generation until someone is smart or healthy enough to stop the cycle. I am sure your mother was abused as a kid, as well. There are usually reasons why people behave the way they do. You wrte: So the only escape was to take his anger out on you and abuse you. And, my siblings to lesser degree. And for some reason, I was a real asshole to my younger sister for 5-7 years, while growing up. I think it was combo of my anxiety level, obsessiveness, jealousy, and passing on some of the abuse I was getting from my father (I was the oldest male child and biggest target). Ah, who knows??? And it is ancient history now!!! I just realized that I am getting uncomfortable writing about all this stuff. Hmmmmmm………..????????? You wrote:
I am so happy for you that you developed a better relationship with your dad even though you so not like what you heard from time to time. Thanks. Same to you (with mother). Yo wrote:
You just have to accept that some people will never change totally. Wow!! I am impressed!!! I am so glad you realize that at your young age. I do not think I did at your age. Although I was trying to change myself, I think part of me was foolishly hoping my father would turn into "Ozzie Nelson". You wrote:
I really admire your courage to build a better relationship with your dad despite all the hurt and pain you put you through. You came out the stronger one. Thanks!! I admire you, too!!! You wrote:
My story? OK! (from the movie "The Jerk") For years, one of my favorites!!! You wrote My mother gabe birth to me & my 2 sister’s (I am the middle & the only redhead) all 1 year apart. She was a VERY young mother. She was also an officer’s wife (dad in the Air Force) and had alot of pressure on her, etc.. My sister’s teasing me also did not help matters, picking on me and telling my mother I did things that I didn’t. My mother would get the spatchela or hairbrush out and beat me to a pulp. I cannot count the days that I had to spend days in my room with no food. I literally got sick from lack of food. Not sure if that is where my ED came in or not? Could be a possible factor? WHOOOSH!!! That is horrible!!! Don’t know how you managed it. And, I am no shrink, but it wouldn’t surprise me if that time in your room, isolated with no food, plays a role in your curent ED. You wrote:
It was not so much the physical abuse that hurt, it was the mental abuse that she subjected me to. She would give things to my sisters and exclude me. I have flashbacks about all this, which she refuses to remember. Yes, it is very rare for the "abuser" to remember the abuse but very common for the "abused" to not be able to forget. You wrote I remember all the times when I had to do their chores while they went out to play. She never called me by my name. I was known as "Birdbrain" or "Dingbat". Constantly, I still have flashbacks of her saying, "Where is that birdbrain, I am gonna knock a knot on her!!" I remember hiding from her, which I still have dreams of. I could go on but it really hurts to bring up everything that she did to me in detail. I never once was nurtured or given praise for anything. Wow!!! I can relate to some degree. I totally understand about "bringing up everything" and how painful that is. I have to admit, although it was rare, I was given some ocassional praise by my parents. But, hugging and acts of caring were not very prevalent in my house. I really hope, Aimee, that someday you get the properpscyotherapy you ned to deal wth al hat taum you went thru. If you could afford it, I would love to see you going to a BT twice a week for your OCD and a psychotherapist twice a week for all the hurt and pain you are still carrying around inside you. You wrote:
My parent’s had a marriage somewhat like the movie "War of the Roses", but it was my mom that was the only aggressor. I mean it was hell. Both parents worked and my mom would come home and drink all evening long…never paying attention to my day went, etc… She would bitch and moan about her job and the assholes she worked with while my dad just kind of tuned out. He was sick of hearing it. She would get so anger..the next thing you know she was throwing plates, ash trays out the window (several times cops would show up), etc…For some reason I was an easy target and she would find reasons to charge at me and beat the shit out of be. Several times I was forced to wear turtle necks to school because of the abrasions she placed on my neck. The beat went on for several years. Terrible!!!! Les Miserables!!!! You wrote Finally (while we lived in Germany) my parents split up. My mom committed adultery and was given a second chance by my dad to break off the relationship too!! UGH!! She was in denial and told my dad is was over with. He hired a German spy and caught her in the act. Anyway…the divorce was now in place. I came back to the states to live with my dad while my sister’s stayed with my mom in Germany. I was so fucken relived to get the hell away from my mother!!!!!!!! YYYYEEEEAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! FREE AT LAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You wrote:
This divorces should have taken place long before!!!!!! Yes, like two minutes after you were born!!!! You wrote:
I was 15 at the time that I was set free!!! YYYEEEAAHHH!!!!! FREEDOM!!!! IT IS SWEET!!!!!!! You wrote:
But..just like you Tom, my mom continued her verbal abuse which left my hurting big time. I do not know why it upset me but it did. This would go on for years. You do not know why it upset you???? Come on, Aimee, of couse, you do!!! No matter how much you hated your mother or I hated my father, we both loved them very much underneath all that hate pain and anger. People in their 50’s and 60’s can still be hurt by their parent’s insensitive remarks And guess what? Parent’s can be hurt by their chidren’s remarks, at any age. Of course, I am not suggesting you try to hurt your mother, now. I am glad your relationship with her has improved. But, remember, your mother created all this pain and hurt in you and her continued abuse will continue to hurt you as long as you let it. The solutions are therapy to GET THE HURT AND ANGER OUT and to have minimal to zero contact with her until YOU are ready to see her. I purposely, did not see my father for 3 1/2 years when I was in my early 30’s. "Why should I?", I thought. As a matter of fact, when I left home for the last time (age24), I had very little contact with both my parents for the next 12,13 or 14 years. You need to be selfish for your own sake and see your mother on YOUR terms!!!! When we love someone it is so easy for them to hurt us or make us feel so good and loved. Love is such a deep and powerful emotion and that is why our "loved ones" can hurt us so much more easily than a stranger. You wrote:
She also was trying to sue my dad for 15 years after the divorce for 2 million dollars!!!!!! (pension) I was so angry…my feelings toward my mom were beyond anger!!!! She kept losing each court case and appealing each time. She also married a pretty rich guy and she was a GS13. She was full of hatred and behaved under pure greed. It was just two years ago that I did something real vindictive to get back at her. This was the time when she appealed the last case making it now go to the supreme court. My dad was having to fork out thousands of dollars and I felt so sad for him. She deserved nothing and all the abuse she put me through and the fam. I was so full of anger that I got up at am went over to her house and slashed the tires on her Audi and vandalized her … read more »
Response:
Hi Ida- Are you talking about Road Runner account? If so, my dad and sister have it. Aimee Bill & Ida Kern <clooney…@mindspring.com> wrote in message news:88a7bk$4oo$1@nntp4.atl.mindspring.net… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> who here has an rr.com account? > Thomas Booby <thomasboobyNOthS…@excite.com.invalid> wrote in message > news:1415c574.4ec0caf4@usw-ex0107-050.remarq.com… > > Tom, > > I feel your pain. That is why you flame everybody. I understand now. > > I’ll be your punching bag, tommy girl. Take out all the pain on > > everyone else. You can’t hide your true colours. > > TL > > * Sent from RemarQ http://www.remarq.com The Internet’s Discussion Network > * > > The fastest and easiest way to search and participate in Usenet – Free!
Response:
Steve!!! ) *hugs* That is awful that you lived is terrible fear like you did. Children are so innocent and it really sux for parents to use their power on their kids by verbally and physically abusing the shi*t out of them!! Such cowards! Or the famous word LOSER!!!!!!! Things will only get better…. Aimee Stephen George <steph…@georgeharris.freeserve.co.uk> wrote in message
news:j91q4.4718$a7.48439@stones… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi Aimee, > I’m sorry to hear that you suffered so badly like that. My father > damaged my childhood with his extreme bad temper and > general aggressiveness, although he never physically abused > me. I lived in total fear though and became very defensive. > I made myself into a quiet, almost non-existent, kind of person > because I hardly dare get into any kind of trouble. > I was congratulating myself on "surviving" my childhood and > was looking forward to escaping into the adult world when > at age 17 he stole all my money! I got extremely depressed > and dropped out of school and I’ve been mentally ill ever > since. However, we now get along fairly well (I still live with > my parents), although I must admit that I had to grit my teeth > and keep my mouth shut for a long time before my anger > finally went away. > Your home pages certainly fooled me! > Kind regards, > Steve > ~ http://www.mybookmarks.com/public/Steve_George > ~ steph…@georgeharris.freeserve.co.uk > ~ Fax & Voicemail: (+44) 0704 470 0528
Response:
"Thomas Booby"? You can’t be serious. At least "Lomas Tuby" had some originality… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Thomas Booby wrote: > Tom, > I feel your pain. That is why you flame everybody. I understand now. > I’ll be your punching bag, tommy girl. Take out all the pain on > everyone else. You can’t hide your true colours. > TL > * Sent from RemarQ http://www.remarq.com The Internet’s Discussion Network * > The fastest and easiest way to search and participate in Usenet – Free!
Response:
Sarah and Tait, To Sarah: Thanks for the kind words and taking the time to reply. To Tait: Thanks for the reply. Sounds like you had it worse then me growing up eventhough I might have "it" longer than you. Glad you are getting along with your dad now. Tom
Response:
who here has an rr.com account? Thomas Booby <thomasboobyNOthS…@excite.com.invalid> wrote in message
news:1415c574.4ec0caf4@usw-ex0107-050.remarq.com… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Tom, > I feel your pain. That is why you flame everybody. I understand now. > I’ll be your punching bag, tommy girl. Take out all the pain on > everyone else. You can’t hide your true colours. > TL > * Sent from RemarQ http://www.remarq.com The Internet’s Discussion Network * > The fastest and easiest way to search and participate in Usenet – Free!
Response:
Tom & Aimee, I feel so good to hear about you two being able to stand up for yourselves. I grew up under similar circumstances. I was my father’s favorite and my mother was actually jealous of me and was horrible to us kids at times. After he died (I was 13) our relationshiop became a little better, but she still was occasionally abusive (mostly physical) until I reached about 17 and learned how to mouth her back. She came after me a few times but it got to the point she knew I was going to hit her back so she didn’t hit me any more. She continued to hit my older sister well into her 20’s because she would never stand up for herself. I had to laught at your Thanksgiving story, Tom. I helped to ruin a Thanksgiving dinner at my in-laws house one year. I normally get along very well with them, but this one year my father in law was making a big deal over the fact that my husband had answered their phone (instead of letting the caller ID get it) and they were bothered by a telephone soliciter. They had got into a little fight about it and he was sulking through the whole meal, wouldn’t eat, etc. When I told him to apologize, he got nasty with me and we got into this big screaming fight in front of the the whole family (about 18 people) who all joined in and it was a screaming mess and everyone ended up packing up their shit and leaving. There is a fine line between holding your tongue (to keep the peace) and really wanting to stick up for myself. I know I went through an agressive period when I was in my 20’s and I would not take shit off of anybody but now that I am older, I’m tired of fighting all the time. Sometimes it still feels good to stand up to a bully, though. Ida Thomas Luby <tel…@webtv.net> wrote in message
news:14758-38A75155-67@storefull-288.iap.bryant.webtv.net… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Aimee, > I do not remember what thread you wrote under about this subject, so I > just decided to post here about it. > In one of your posts, you claimed that you were very close to your > father but that your mother was very abusive and that you would NEVER > get over fearing her. I am here to tell you that you are WRONG!!! > My father abused the shit out of me, almost everyday of my childhood and > teen years. It was both physical and verbal. The verbal was the more > prevalent. He literally tried to put the fear of God and him into my > older sister and me. He succeeded tremendoulsy. I even overheard him > tell a friend of his, when I was in my early twenties and had just moved > home, that he didn’t know how to raise his kids and was scared, so he > decided to scare the shit out of us (so we wouldn’t be bad). Well, as > far as being angels and doing nothing wrong, it worked very well. But, > when you crippled someone with fear, doubt and guilt, they won’t do > anything right, or anything wrong. Eventually, they won’t do anthing!!! > My father stopped abusing me physically at age 18 but it seems the > verbal abuse got worse. Although I lived away from home most of my life > since the age 18, he would still verbally destroy me every chance he > got, whether in person or on the phone. I wonder how many times I cried > for the first 30-45 minutes of my 3 hour trip back to Boston all those > years. I would leave home so wounded, empty, hollow and hurt. I thought > it would never end. > I feared my father my whole life, up until recently, and I just turned > 41 in January. Not in my wildest fantasies did I ever believe that I > could overcome the fear that I blamed my father for putting into me. > Yes, for years I blamed my father for all my fear, hurt, anger, guilt, > fear of God and so forth. > Even when I was 20, 25, 30 and even 35, I still did not beleve I could > ever feel comfortable around my father or not fear him. Well, starting a > few years ago, and maybe it was the luvox, CBT, age, sick and tired of > being scared or the drugs allowing my immense anger to come out, I > started talking back to him. I even ripped the shit out of him at > Thanksgiving dinner, in 1996, in front of everyone (ruined the > dinner!!). After dinner, he was like a caged lion, looking for revenge > and mumbling things to himself. I had to get out of there but I had > ‘fired" my first real shot at him. FELT GOOD!!!!!!! > From there, I had more arguments and fights with him, holding my ground > and telling him off. Ocassionally, he would try to throw me out of his > house. One time I left but another time I said "no!". I told him to call > the cops if he wanted me to leave (which I knew he would never do! What > would the neighbors think??!! LOL!!). > Finally, I had to decide that it was more important to break thru my > fear of him and challenge ALL my fears and maybe be homeless, then to be > crippled by fear and accept his financial support for the rest of my > life. So, I had as many fights as I could muster with him, never backing > down and thinking it is more important to break free of these fears and > lose his financial support than to live this worthless and painful empty > life with fear and his financial support. > Well, my parents did not ever turn their backs on me, financially or > otherwise. And after a very scary, alltime low point in our relationship > in September of 1998, things started to miraculously get better later > that fall. There was my grandfather’s passing that November that may > have played a huge role in starting this new and better relationship my > parents and I have. Too long to explain here. However, my realtionship > with my father, and maybe my mother ( we only had problems in recent > years), has never been this good , since I was 7 or 8 years old. Almost > a miracle I would say!!! It started in the late fall of ‘98 and > continues to get better. > Anyway, my father is still a somewhat angry, uptight, asshole at times, > but I think he is really trying to be more personable and agreeable. > And, of course, he is stlll financially generous with me as he has been > my whole life. But, even as the emotional cripple he is, he is trying > his best to carve out some new relationship with me for however many > years we have left together. > I can not say I am 100% fear free of my father, but I almost am. I will > not take an shit from him and I dish it out as much as he does. > Physically speaking, he is 68 and I am 41. That helps (knowing that I > could kick his ass if I had to. But I know I never would or will.). I > have even been ordering him around, in the last year, as our family has > sold his business, sold one home, are building another house and trying > to manage other financial and family related matters. That feels GREAT, > too!!!!!! > So, if you are still reading, my point is that you are soooo young and I > believe, in time, you will no longer fear your mom. Give yourslf time to > grow and learn and experience. Plus, you are a spunky little gal!!! You > will do it!! I now it is painful and you want it to happen NOW, but > reality sometimes dictates, otherwise. > Remember, HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL!!!! > Tom
Response:
Aimee, (((((HUGS))))) Respectfully, Mary – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Thomas!! Your post really hit home!!! I really appreciate you taking the >time out to address the abuse issue with me. Seems like we have alot in >common as far as being victims of abuse. First of all, I want to say that I >am so sorry that you had to endure all the abuse from your father. ( I >know what you mean about leaving home thinking the abuse would end but >didn’t. I am glad to hear that your dad did not back down on you and leave >you homeless though. Seems like he was an angry man with alot of deep down >issues he needed to work out. So the only escape was to take his anger out >on you and abuse you. I am so happy for you that you developed a better >relationship with your dad even though you so not like what you heard from >time to time. You just have to accept that some people will never change >totally. I really admire your courage to build a better relationship with >your dad despite all the hurt and pain you put you through. You came out the >stronger one. >My story? OK! (from the movie "The Jerk") My mother gabe birth to me & my 2 >sister’s (I am the middle & the only redhead) all 1 year apart. She was a >VERY young mother. She was also an officer’s wife (dad in the Air Force) and >had alot of pressure on her, etc.. My sister’s teasing me also did not help >matters, picking on me and telling my mother I did things that I didn’t. My >mother would get the spatchela or hairbrush out and beat me to a pulp. I >cannot count the days that I had to spend days in my room with no food. I >literally got sick from lack of food. Not sure if that is where my ED came >in or not? Could be a possible factor? >It was not so much the physical abuse that hurt, it was the mental abuse >that she subjected me to. She would give things to my sisters and exclude >me. I have flashbacks about all this, which she refuses to remember. I >remember all the times when I had to do their chores while they went out to >play. She never called me by my name. I was known as "Birdbrain" or >"Dingbat". Constantly, I still have flashbacks of her saying, "Where is that >birdbrain, I am gonna knock a knot on her!!" I remember hiding from her, >which I still have dreams of. I could go on but it really hurts to bring up >everything that she did to me in detail. I never once was nurtured or given >praise for anything. >My parent’s had a marriage somewhat like the movie "War of the Roses", but >it was my mom that was the only aggressor. I mean it was hell. Both parents >worked and my mom would come home and drink all evening long…never paying >attention to my day went, etc… She would bitch and moan about her job and >the assholes she worked with while my dad just kind of tuned out. He was >sick of hearing it. She would get so anger..the next thing you know she was >throwing plates, ash trays out the window (several times cops would show >up), etc…For some reason I was an easy target and she would find reasons >to charge at me and beat the shit out of be. Several times I was forced to >wear turtle necks to school because of the abrasions she placed on my neck. >The beat went on for several years. >Finally (while we lived in Germany) my parents split up. My mom committed >adultery and was given a second chance by my dad to break off the >relationship too!! UGH!! She was in denial and told my dad is was over with. >He hired a German spy and caught her in the act. Anyway…the divorce was >now in place. I came back to the states to live with my dad while my >sister’s stayed with my mom in Germany. I was so fucken relived to get the >hell away from my mother!!!!!!!! This divorces should have taken place long >before!!!!!! I was 15 at the time that I was set free!!! But..just like you >Tom, my mom continued her verbal abuse which left my hurting big time. I do >not know why it upset me but it did. This would go on for years. >She also was trying to sue my dad for 15 years after the divorce for 2 >million dollars!!!!!! (pension) I was so angry…my feelings toward my mom >were beyond anger!!!! She kept losing each court case and appealing each >time. She also married a pretty rich guy and she was a GS13. She was full of >hatred and behaved under pure greed. It was just two years ago that I did >something real vindictive to get back at her. This was the time when she >appealed the last case making it now go to the supreme court. My dad was >having to fork out thousands of dollars and I felt so sad for him. She >deserved nothing and all the abuse she put me through and the fam. I was so >full of anger that I got up at am went over to her house and slashed the >tires on her Audi and vandalized her mailbox. I still can’t believe I did >that!! Anyway, I heard the dog back and I put the pedal to the medal! I >literally ran every green light! I was shaking and full of fear. Well, it >was just last year that she lost and could never appeal again. >Since than my relationship with my mother got better. This was after I was >in the hospital for my Anorexia, OCD and Severe Depression. I was forced >into treatment because I OD’ed on Prozac and Trazadone and was found >unresponsive. I will never forget having my stomach pumped with charcoal and >being strapped down like an animal. I went through therapy sessions with >her. At first she was in denial about the abuse, etc… She was saying >things like "Don’t you remember the happy times?" HELL NO!!! Cuz there were >none!!" Finally she broke down and cried during a session and asked me for >forgiveness. It took awhile for me to accept her apology but eventually I >came out strong and accepted it. I will FORGIVE but will not FORGET!!!!!!! >Part of my therapy was to build a home page and make it as positive as >possible without saying anything negative. >Believe me…this was a real test for me to do!! I did not say anything >about my mother at all though. She is jealous about the relationship I have >with my father. WELL HELLO!!!! I wonder why!! If you want to see my personal >websites here are the URL’s. The family picture makes it seem like we are >one happy family, but never judge a book by it’s cover. >http://pages.ivillage.com/bh/aimeemharms, >http://pages.ivillage.com/bh/flowerapril69 >So that is the story of my life and the crap I had to live with! It was a >childhood that I would not relive if given the chance!!!!!!!!!! Damn….did >I write a novel or what? I would be shocked if you are still reading this. I >am pretty open about my life and what went on. I find it very therapeutic to >purge my feelings out about what went on. I am sorry for all this rambling. >Tom..you just triggered a very sensitive matter and I am thankful for that. >You have made me realize alot. My mother just turned 52. I told her that she >is now dealing with a full deck. ) I still feel uncomfortable around my >mother when I go over there to visit. I cringe everytime she hugs me. She is >till an asshole at times, talks bad about me dad, etc..It also hurts for me >to witness all the love and attention my half sister (who is 11 yrs. old) >gets. I have tried to put myself in her shoes and actually I feel sorry for >her.I am just realizing I have no control over her actions now and to accept >that she will never change. It is time to learn to be my own best parent & >love myself. I am so hard on myself and have been so self destructive, kind >of like I am carrying on the abuse my mother gave to me. She is no longer in >control of me, I AM!! >I hope I did not bore any of you and once again I apologize for carrying on >like this. I just feel like a product of pure abuse. Trying do hard to look >ahead and not look back. >Aimee >Thomas Luby <tel…@webtv.net> wrote in message >news:14758-38A75155-67@storefull-288.iap.bryant.webtv.net… >> Aimee, >> I do not remember what thread you wrote under about this subject, so I >> just decided to post here about it. >> In one of your posts, you claimed that you were very close to your >> father but that your mother was very abusive and that you would NEVER >> get over fearing her. I am here to tell you that you are WRONG!!! >> My father abused the shit out of me, almost everyday of my childhood and >> teen years. It was both physical and verbal. The verbal was the more >> prevalent. He literally tried to put the fear of God and him into my >> older sister and me. He succeeded tremendoulsy. I even overheard him >> tell a friend of his, when I was in my early twenties and had just moved >> home, that he didn’t know how to raise his kids and was scared, so he >> decided to scare the shit out of us (so we wouldn’t be bad). Well, as >> far as being angels and doing nothing wrong, it worked very well. But, >> when you crippled someone with fear, doubt and guilt, they won’t do >> anything right, or anything wrong. Eventually, they won’t do anthing!!! >> My father stopped abusing me physically at age 18 but it seems the >> verbal abuse got worse. Although I lived away from home most of my life >> since the age 18, he would still verbally destroy me every chance he >> got, whether in person or on the phone. I wonder how many times I cried >> for the first 30-45 minutes of my 3 hour trip back to Boston all those >> years. I would leave home so wounded, empty, hollow and hurt. I thought >> it would never end. >> I feared my father my whole life, up until recently, and I just turned >> 41 in January. Not in my wildest fantasies did I ever believe that I >> could overcome the fear that I blamed my father for putting into me. >> Yes, for years I blamed my father for all my fear, hurt, anger, guilt, >> fear of God and so forth. >> Even when I was 20, 25, 30 and even 35, I still did not beleve I could >> ever feel comfortable around my father or not fear him. Well, starting a >> few years ago, and maybe it was the luvox, CBT, age, sick and tired of >> being scared or the drugs allowing my
… read more »
Response:
Thomas!! Your post really hit home!!! I really appreciate you taking the time out to address the abuse issue with me. Seems like we have alot in common as far as being victims of abuse. First of all, I want to say that I am so sorry that you had to endure all the abuse from your father. ( I know what you mean about leaving home thinking the abuse would end but didn’t. I am glad to hear that your dad did not back down on you and leave you homeless though. Seems like he was an angry man with alot of deep down issues he needed to work out. So the only escape was to take his anger out on you and abuse you. I am so happy for you that you developed a better relationship with your dad even though you so not like what you heard from time to time. You just have to accept that some people will never change totally. I really admire your courage to build a better relationship with your dad despite all the hurt and pain you put you through. You came out the stronger one. My story? OK! (from the movie "The Jerk") My mother gabe birth to me & my 2 sister’s (I am the middle & the only redhead) all 1 year apart. She was a VERY young mother. She was also an officer’s wife (dad in the Air Force) and had alot of pressure on her, etc.. My sister’s teasing me also did not help matters, picking on me and telling my mother I did things that I didn’t. My mother would get the spatchela or hairbrush out and beat me to a pulp. I cannot count the days that I had to spend days in my room with no food. I literally got sick from lack of food. Not sure if that is where my ED came in or not? Could be a possible factor? It was not so much the physical abuse that hurt, it was the mental abuse that she subjected me to. She would give things to my sisters and exclude me. I have flashbacks about all this, which she refuses to remember. I remember all the times when I had to do their chores while they went out to play. She never called me by my name. I was known as "Birdbrain" or "Dingbat". Constantly, I still have flashbacks of her saying, "Where is that birdbrain, I am gonna knock a knot on her!!" I remember hiding from her, which I still have dreams of. I could go on but it really hurts to bring up everything that she did to me in detail. I never once was nurtured or given praise for anything. My parent’s had a marriage somewhat like the movie "War of the Roses", but it was my mom that was the only aggressor. I mean it was hell. Both parents worked and my mom would come home and drink all evening long…never paying attention to my day went, etc… She would bitch and moan about her job and the assholes she worked with while my dad just kind of tuned out. He was sick of hearing it. She would get so anger..the next thing you know she was throwing plates, ash trays out the window (several times cops would show up), etc…For some reason I was an easy target and she would find reasons to charge at me and beat the shit out of be. Several times I was forced to wear turtle necks to school because of the abrasions she placed on my neck. The beat went on for several years. Finally (while we lived in Germany) my parents split up. My mom committed adultery and was given a second chance by my dad to break off the relationship too!! UGH!! She was in denial and told my dad is was over with. He hired a German spy and caught her in the act. Anyway…the divorce was now in place. I came back to the states to live with my dad while my sister’s stayed with my mom in Germany. I was so fucken relived to get the hell away from my mother!!!!!!!! This divorces should have taken place long before!!!!!! I was 15 at the time that I was set free!!! But..just like you Tom, my mom continued her verbal abuse which left my hurting big time. I do not know why it upset me but it did. This would go on for years. She also was trying to sue my dad for 15 years after the divorce for 2 million dollars!!!!!! (pension) I was so angry…my feelings toward my mom were beyond anger!!!! She kept losing each court case and appealing each time. She also married a pretty rich guy and she was a GS13. She was full of hatred and behaved under pure greed. It was just two years ago that I did something real vindictive to get back at her. This was the time when she appealed the last case making it now go to the supreme court. My dad was having to fork out thousands of dollars and I felt so sad for him. She deserved nothing and all the abuse she put me through and the fam. I was so full of anger that I got up at am went over to her house and slashed the tires on her Audi and vandalized her mailbox. I still can’t believe I did that!! Anyway, I heard the dog back and I put the pedal to the medal! I literally ran every green light! I was shaking and full of fear. Well, it was just last year that she lost and could never appeal again. Since than my relationship with my mother got better. This was after I was in the hospital for my Anorexia, OCD and Severe Depression. I was forced into treatment because I OD’ed on Prozac and Trazadone and was found unresponsive. I will never forget having my stomach pumped with charcoal and being strapped down like an animal. I went through therapy sessions with her. At first she was in denial about the abuse, etc… She was saying things like "Don’t you remember the happy times?" HELL NO!!! Cuz there were none!!" Finally she broke down and cried during a session and asked me for forgiveness. It took awhile for me to accept her apology but eventually I came out strong and accepted it. I will FORGIVE but will not FORGET!!!!!!! Part of my therapy was to build a home page and make it as positive as possible without saying anything negative. Believe me…this was a real test for me to do!! I did not say anything about my mother at all though. She is jealous about the relationship I have with my father. WELL HELLO!!!! I wonder why!! If you want to see my personal websites here are the URL’s. The family picture makes it seem like we are one happy family, but never judge a book by it’s cover. http://pages.ivillage.com/bh/aimeemharms, http://pages.ivillage.com/bh/flowerapril69 So that is the story of my life and the crap I had to live with! It was a childhood that I would not relive if given the chance!!!!!!!!!! Damn….did I write a novel or what? I would be shocked if you are still reading this. I am pretty open about my life and what went on. I find it very therapeutic to purge my feelings out about what went on. I am sorry for all this rambling. Tom..you just triggered a very sensitive matter and I am thankful for that. You have made me realize alot. My mother just turned 52. I told her that she is now dealing with a full deck. ) I still feel uncomfortable around my mother when I go over there to visit. I cringe everytime she hugs me. She is till an asshole at times, talks bad about me dad, etc..It also hurts for me to witness all the love and attention my half sister (who is 11 yrs. old) gets. I have tried to put myself in her shoes and actually I feel sorry for her.I am just realizing I have no control over her actions now and to accept that she will never change. It is time to learn to be my own best parent & love myself. I am so hard on myself and have been so self destructive, kind of like I am carrying on the abuse my mother gave to me. She is no longer in control of me, I AM!! I hope I did not bore any of you and once again I apologize for carrying on like this. I just feel like a product of pure abuse. Trying do hard to look ahead and not look back. Aimee Thomas Luby <tel…@webtv.net> wrote in message
news:14758-38A75155-67@storefull-288.iap.bryant.webtv.net… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Aimee, > I do not remember what thread you wrote under about this subject, so I > just decided to post here about it. > In one of your posts, you claimed that you were very close to your > father but that your mother was very abusive and that you would NEVER > get over fearing her. I am here to tell you that you are WRONG!!! > My father abused the shit out of me, almost everyday of my childhood and > teen years. It was both physical and verbal. The verbal was the more > prevalent. He literally tried to put the fear of God and him into my > older sister and me. He succeeded tremendoulsy. I even overheard him > tell a friend of his, when I was in my early twenties and had just moved > home, that he didn’t know how to raise his kids and was scared, so he > decided to scare the shit out of us (so we wouldn’t be bad). Well, as > far as being angels and doing nothing wrong, it worked very well. But, > when you crippled someone with fear, doubt and guilt, they won’t do > anything right, or anything wrong. Eventually, they won’t do anthing!!! > My father stopped abusing me physically at age 18 but it seems the > verbal abuse got worse. Although I lived away from home most of my life > since the age 18, he would still verbally destroy me every chance he > got, whether in person or on the phone. I wonder how many times I cried > for the first 30-45 minutes of my 3 hour trip back to Boston all those > years. I would leave home so wounded, empty, hollow and hurt. I thought > it would never end. > I feared my father my whole life, up until recently, and I just turned > 41 in January. Not in my wildest fantasies did I ever believe that I > could overcome the fear that I blamed my father for putting into me. > Yes, for years I blamed my father for all my fear, hurt, anger, guilt, > fear of God and so forth. > Even when I was 20, 25, 30 and even 35, I still did not beleve I could > ever feel comfortable around my father or not fear him. Well, starting a > few years ago, and maybe it was the luvox, CBT, age, sick and tired of > being scared or the drugs allowing my immense anger to come out, I > started talking back to him. I even ripped the shit out of him at > Thanksgiving dinner, in 1996, in front of everyone (ruined the > dinner!!). After dinner, he was like a caged lion,
… read more »
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