Question:
Hi Nancy, I hadn’t had this dream for almost a year (last one was 11/4/00) which was a week before John’s birthday. After that one I wrote a long letter to John in my journal – telling him that I was fine and he didn’t need to come back to check on me – that I’ll see him at home at a later date. Since it had been so long thought I had tucked that baby to bed….. Then after the 9/11 disaster, things started backing up again – the feelings for all those families waiting to hear from their loved ones brought back the anxiety that I had when my son was ‘missing’ in Saudi after his barracks were hit by a scud missile in February 1991 during the Gulf war. (That happened on Monday and we couldn’t get any info out of the Pentagon because they still had him listed as being in Berlin! ) Mike called on Friday – he had been transferred out a couple days before the attack there. My daughter lives in Seattle – when they had the riots there last year she and her fiance were caught downtown and had trouble getting home. THen in February of this year, there was an earthquake in Seattle – I couldn’t reach her for six hours. Life was easier when you could stick them in a play pen and know that they would stay there! I must admit, that it had crossed my mind that I’d ‘get over this’ and wouldn’t need to see the counselor – but my first appointment with one who specializes in PTSD is Monday. My doctor is very supportive and helpful with this. I’m willing to do what I can to help make the miracles happen! Glo In article <9qifur$…@dispatch.concentric.net> – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -"Nancy" <ki…@cris.com> writes: > No one but you is asking you to do that, Glo! the miracle has to do with > how clearly you can see your pain and its cause: standard PTSD distorted > thinking. :/ This is relatively easy for therapeutic and self-help > treatment ( and … no, I don’t mean to minimize the emotional and physical > pain this dream is causing you)
Response:
Hi Glo! > Life was easier when you could stick them in a play pen and know that > they would stay there!
That was just an illusion of control! Sorry! > I must admit, that it had crossed my mind that I’d ‘get over this’ and > wouldn’t need to see the counselor – but my first appointment with one > who specializes in PTSD is Monday. My doctor is very supportive and > helpful with this. > I’m willing to do what I can to help make the miracles happen!
The first thing to learn is that we do not have the power and control over others that we wish we did, or were trained that we did. I appreciate this point because I have felt responsible for so many things that I was not responsible for. btw, we talked a little about ‘contamination’ today in group. None of us has the power to contaminate another’s life! Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy
Response:
Dear Gloria, I’ve spent the day thinking over this. I’ve had a…well, would you call it a lifetime if it’s only 24 years? -of experience of recurring nightmares. My specialty is that I can’t wake up from mine -so I have to deal with them in "real time". That has taught me to work with nightmares as they happen, in my sleep. Very early on, somebody taught me some Gestalt therapy "tricks", and they still work for me. The idea is that everything you dream is your own product: It can’t come from anywhere outside you, so they’re all your own projections. The goal is to take your own creations back inside yourself. So, if I were you, and I had these nightmares, I would think: "I am John, and I am…this and this." And then I would go on to think: "I am Bud, and I am…this and this." Try it. There’s no way I can check you up or follow you in this -but my hunch is, they both stand for someting in you- and only you know what it is. As you do this, I believe you’ll find out what in John is coming back to you. I could venture a few ideas about why he in you is doing this to you- but I think it’s better that you try to find out what he was to you,and why you use him to feel haunted. I think you’ll find it out for yourself. But let me say this: sometimes the dead need us to let go of them- or they can’t go where they need to go.Good Luck! Lotte "Gloria M. Comstock" <Gloria.M.Comst…@dartmouth.edu> skrev i meddelandet news:9qhdva$29h$1@merrimack.Dartmouth.EDU… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Anyone have experience with recurring nightmares? Maybe the dream > itself is slightly different – but the theme is the same. > My husband, John, died suddenly while we were home alone. WE’d gone to > bed – and John hardly ever went to bed the same time I did because he > worked nights and tended to stay up until the wee hours of the morning. > But he was tired and it had been an exciting day for him – he had > picked up the bear from the taxidermist (poor little bear was mounted > in a full mount – I had teased John unmercifully since he’d gotten it > the previous May, calling it Booboo because it was so little, sending > him postcards I’d had routed from Canada and had them signed Yogi Bear) > Anyway, I woke up, thinking John was snoring. I nudged him but he > didn’t turn over like he’d normally do, which would stop the snoring > for a bit. I immediately knew there was something wrong. I turned on > the light and thought he was having a heart attack. We live in a very > rural area of New England, and this was March – the roads are not at > their best. We also didn’t have 911 service. I don’t know how but I > remembered the number to the hospital and called them to send an > ambulance. Lord knows how I managed to give them directions. I also > called our friends down the road – Hal is a CPR instructor, Carol is a > nurse. They normally don’t answer their phones that time of night – it > as 1115pm. Hal was chief of police in another little podunk town and a > call that night would be a pain to deal with so they were generally > routed to a closer big town. Anyway, I know John was still struggling > to breathe when they started up the driveway – and they got there > within 4 minutes ( I was watching the clock too!) But by the time they > got into the house John had died. I **knew** he was dead. (Carol > later confirmed it – but didn’t want to tell me at the time for fear > that it would make things worse for me) The rescue squad arrived while > Carol and Hal were doing CPR. > They tried everything possible at the hospital – but I knew that John > was dead. Still prayed to be wrong – but just knew. Know what I mean? > Turned out that it was a pulmonary embollis. SInce he took 15- 20 > aspirin a day for arthritis, no one has a clue how or why. I was told > that if that blood clot had struck even in a fully equiped emergency > room that they couldn’t ahve saved him. He was 47. HE died three > months to the day before our 25th wedding anniversary – he died on > 3/13/95 and our anniversary is June 13. I was widowed at 43. > When I started seeing someone (Bud) I had terrible feelings of guilt. > Then I had a dream where John and I were at a fair with Carol and Hal. > I can still see the Ferris Wheel in the background, the picture is > still clear in my mind. John said that he was going home. I turned to > say good bye to Hal & Carol since it had always been when John said he > was going home that was my clue that WE were going home. But this time > John said No, you stay here with Carol and Hal and have a good time. > I’ll see you when you get home. > On Sunday, Febuary 2 I had a party at my house for the singles club I > had joined. It was a potluck dinner to celebrate Ground Hog Day (in my > mind, a vastly underrated holiday – we NEED something to celebrate for > just having survived January!) Bud called when he got home and > complimented me on what a great success the party was. He asked if I > had done lots of entertaining before – everything went so smoothly and > every one had had a blast. I told him no, John was not one to enjoy > company. We never did anything with anyone other than Carol and Hal. > That night I had a dream of John. He was at work (worked at the post > office in the next big town up ) I had gone to see him and he was > sitting there at a table, wearing the red plaid shirts he favored. > Coffee cup in front of him, stirring away as he’d do. WHen I came in > he said that he was going back home – was I coming with him or what? I > was distressed – I didn’t want to go home! I said No, I’m having a > good time I dont’ want to go home. I went into another room and came > back out and John was gone. I woke up in tears – the sense of loss was > new again. The next day at lunch Bud asked me what was going on with > me – he could sense that there was something bothering me. I told him > about the dream. I also had told my daughter when I spoke to her that > night. > On February 7, 1997, Bud & I were heading to Boston for a concert at > the Fleet Center in Boston. (Toni Braxton and Kenny G) I was so > excited. This concert stuff was new to me since I’d never done more > than the concerts that the kids had at school. I had had an > appointment with the physical therapist for a chronic shoulder problem > so I asked Bud to drive my car down to let my arm rest. It was a > beautiful winter’s day. Roads were clear, the sky was blue. Bud said > there was a newspaper on the back seat – did I want to see it? > Normally, I’d have taken my seat belt off to reach around the back to > get it. This time I just twisted and grabbed it. I had looked at the > speedometer as I did – he was going 62 – far too slow for my way of > thinking when I was in a hurry to get to Boston to head to the North > end for dinner before the concert. We were in the driving lane. I had > just flipped the paper open when it happened – Bud hollared $hit! and > the car was all over the place. We hit the snow banks on the median > strip and then he got the car under control and pulled it to a stop in > the breakdown lane. I thought we had a blown tire. We’d been rear > ended on the interstate by a car weaving around in the passing lane, > who’d been doing 80-85 mph according to the witnesses. She hit us with > such force that Bud’s seat broke off the back. If I had taken off my > seat belt I’d have gone through the windshield. I was shook – the > adreneline was pumping! THe driver of the other car ended up in the > median strip. > It took forever for the police to get there – but it didn’t appear > anyone was hurt. I convinced Bud that we should go back and get his > truck and still go to the concert. Ok – so my neck and back were sore > – what can you expect? By Monday I could hardly move. THe doctor took > me out of work for a week (first visit since the accident) I ended up > being out of work almost three months – but we were so lucky that no > one was killed! > My daughter and a few people made mention of the fact that it was a > good thing that I had told JOhn that I was not going ‘HOME" with him – > or maybe things would not have turned out so well. > Then the recurring nightmares started: The particulars are a bit > different – but the theme is the same. I have Bud in my life and John > comes back and isn’t dead after all. I have to figure out what I’m > going to do with these two guys. At first I tried (in my dreams) to > not let John know I was seeing someone and I didn’t let Bud know that > John was back. I felt so dishonest! I felt that I was put in a > position to make a choice between them. > The thing is – I’ve picked up these pieces and I’ve made a new life for > me and I like where I am with what I do and how I do it. For the first > time in my life I’m making decisions based on what *I* want. I’m not > worried about trying to make anyone happy. Damn but that took soooooo > much energy! And you know what? No one was any happier for the way I > put them first. They are less happy with me that I now put me first – > but I wasn’t making them happy by putting them first. Just giving them > the satisfaction that their wants were more important than mine. > You know what? I can’t make anybody happy. That is too much > responsibility to take on. Oh, I can bring a bit of happiness to > someone – but I can’t "MAKE" them be happy. Neither can they make me > happy. That’s my own responsibility. I can’t wait around for someone > to come along and shove that burden on them – I’d be waiting a hell of > a long time! But I can surround myself with people that give me a bit > of joy in my life and stop dealing with those that seemed to want to > suck the sunshine from my being. > But how do I deal with these nightmares? > Glo
Response:
Hi Gloria! > But how do I deal with these nightmares?
Maybe you could see them as little miracles, rather than ‘bad stuff’. Something is trying to tell you to accept that you couldn’t or wouldn’t go with John. Acceptance of ourselves is a tough one, tho. :/ Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy
Response:
In article <9qhlp3$…@dispatch.concentric.net> "Nancy" <ki…@cris.com> writes: > Hi Gloria!
The ones before I can deal with – but not the ones where I have to choose between having him come back from the dead to be with me again and choosing the live I now live. It would be impossible to choose between John and Bud…. Thanks, Nancy. Glo – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> > But how do I deal with these nightmares? > Maybe you could see them as little miracles, rather than ‘bad stuff’. > Something is trying to tell you to accept that you couldn’t or wouldn’t go > with John. > Acceptance of ourselves is a tough one, tho. :/ > Smile and there will be something to smile about! > Nancy
Response:
Hi Gloria! > The ones before I can deal with – but not the ones where I have to > choose between having him come back from the dead to be with me again > and choosing the live I now live. > It would be impossible to choose between John and Bud….
No one but you is asking you to do that, Glo! the miracle has to do with how clearly you can see your pain and its cause: standard PTSD distorted thinking. :/ This is relatively easy for therapeutic and self-help treatment ( and … no, I don’t mean to minimize the emotional and physical pain this dream is causing you). Rather than deal with my emotional guilt, for decades I did not knowingly dream … and had a lot of distorted thinking that I have let ‘ruin’ my life. Even finding out that I had PTSD distorted thinking took a major emotional breakdown … hallucination heaven (actually hallucination hell, but it was heavenly that I finally was diagnosable!). Miracles are not always the miracles I want! :/ Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy
Response:
Anyone have experience with recurring nightmares? Maybe the dream itself is slightly different – but the theme is the same. My husband, John, died suddenly while we were home alone. WE’d gone to bed – and John hardly ever went to bed the same time I did because he worked nights and tended to stay up until the wee hours of the morning. But he was tired and it had been an exciting day for him – he had picked up the bear from the taxidermist (poor little bear was mounted in a full mount – I had teased John unmercifully since he’d gotten it the previous May, calling it Booboo because it was so little, sending him postcards I’d had routed from Canada and had them signed Yogi Bear) Anyway, I woke up, thinking John was snoring. I nudged him but he didn’t turn over like he’d normally do, which would stop the snoring for a bit. I immediately knew there was something wrong. I turned on the light and thought he was having a heart attack. We live in a very rural area of New England, and this was March – the roads are not at their best. We also didn’t have 911 service. I don’t know how but I remembered the number to the hospital and called them to send an ambulance. Lord knows how I managed to give them directions. I also called our friends down the road – Hal is a CPR instructor, Carol is a nurse. They normally don’t answer their phones that time of night – it as 1115pm. Hal was chief of police in another little podunk town and a call that night would be a pain to deal with so they were generally routed to a closer big town. Anyway, I know John was still struggling to breathe when they started up the driveway – and they got there within 4 minutes ( I was watching the clock too!) But by the time they got into the house John had died. I **knew** he was dead. (Carol later confirmed it – but didn’t want to tell me at the time for fear that it would make things worse for me) The rescue squad arrived while Carol and Hal were doing CPR. They tried everything possible at the hospital – but I knew that John was dead. Still prayed to be wrong – but just knew. Know what I mean? Turned out that it was a pulmonary embollis. SInce he took 15- 20 aspirin a day for arthritis, no one has a clue how or why. I was told that if that blood clot had struck even in a fully equiped emergency room that they couldn’t ahve saved him. He was 47. HE died three months to the day before our 25th wedding anniversary – he died on 3/13/95 and our anniversary is June 13. I was widowed at 43. When I started seeing someone (Bud) I had terrible feelings of guilt. Then I had a dream where John and I were at a fair with Carol and Hal. I can still see the Ferris Wheel in the background, the picture is still clear in my mind. John said that he was going home. I turned to say good bye to Hal & Carol since it had always been when John said he was going home that was my clue that WE were going home. But this time John said No, you stay here with Carol and Hal and have a good time. I’ll see you when you get home. On Sunday, Febuary 2 I had a party at my house for the singles club I had joined. It was a potluck dinner to celebrate Ground Hog Day (in my mind, a vastly underrated holiday – we NEED something to celebrate for just having survived January!) Bud called when he got home and complimented me on what a great success the party was. He asked if I had done lots of entertaining before – everything went so smoothly and every one had had a blast. I told him no, John was not one to enjoy company. We never did anything with anyone other than Carol and Hal. That night I had a dream of John. He was at work (worked at the post office in the next big town up ) I had gone to see him and he was sitting there at a table, wearing the red plaid shirts he favored. Coffee cup in front of him, stirring away as he’d do. WHen I came in he said that he was going back home – was I coming with him or what? I was distressed – I didn’t want to go home! I said No, I’m having a good time I dont’ want to go home. I went into another room and came back out and John was gone. I woke up in tears – the sense of loss was new again. The next day at lunch Bud asked me what was going on with me – he could sense that there was something bothering me. I told him about the dream. I also had told my daughter when I spoke to her that night. On February 7, 1997, Bud & I were heading to Boston for a concert at the Fleet Center in Boston. (Toni Braxton and Kenny G) I was so excited. This concert stuff was new to me since I’d never done more than the concerts that the kids had at school. I had had an appointment with the physical therapist for a chronic shoulder problem so I asked Bud to drive my car down to let my arm rest. It was a beautiful winter’s day. Roads were clear, the sky was blue. Bud said there was a newspaper on the back seat – did I want to see it? Normally, I’d have taken my seat belt off to reach around the back to get it. This time I just twisted and grabbed it. I had looked at the speedometer as I did – he was going 62 – far too slow for my way of thinking when I was in a hurry to get to Boston to head to the North end for dinner before the concert. We were in the driving lane. I had just flipped the paper open when it happened – Bud hollared $hit! and the car was all over the place. We hit the snow banks on the median strip and then he got the car under control and pulled it to a stop in the breakdown lane. I thought we had a blown tire. We’d been rear ended on the interstate by a car weaving around in the passing lane, who’d been doing 80-85 mph according to the witnesses. She hit us with such force that Bud’s seat broke off the back. If I had taken off my seat belt I’d have gone through the windshield. I was shook – the adreneline was pumping! THe driver of the other car ended up in the median strip. It took forever for the police to get there – but it didn’t appear anyone was hurt. I convinced Bud that we should go back and get his truck and still go to the concert. Ok – so my neck and back were sore – what can you expect? By Monday I could hardly move. THe doctor took me out of work for a week (first visit since the accident) I ended up being out of work almost three months – but we were so lucky that no one was killed! My daughter and a few people made mention of the fact that it was a good thing that I had told JOhn that I was not going ‘HOME" with him – or maybe things would not have turned out so well. Then the recurring nightmares started: The particulars are a bit different – but the theme is the same. I have Bud in my life and John comes back and isn’t dead after all. I have to figure out what I’m going to do with these two guys. At first I tried (in my dreams) to not let John know I was seeing someone and I didn’t let Bud know that John was back. I felt so dishonest! I felt that I was put in a position to make a choice between them. The thing is – I’ve picked up these pieces and I’ve made a new life for me and I like where I am with what I do and how I do it. For the first time in my life I’m making decisions based on what *I* want. I’m not worried about trying to make anyone happy. Damn but that took soooooo much energy! And you know what? No one was any happier for the way I put them first. They are less happy with me that I now put me first – but I wasn’t making them happy by putting them first. Just giving them the satisfaction that their wants were more important than mine. You know what? I can’t make anybody happy. That is too much responsibility to take on. Oh, I can bring a bit of happiness to someone – but I can’t "MAKE" them be happy. Neither can they make me happy. That’s my own responsibility. I can’t wait around for someone to come along and shove that burden on them – I’d be waiting a hell of a long time! But I can surround myself with people that give me a bit of joy in my life and stop dealing with those that seemed to want to suck the sunshine from my being. But how do I deal with these nightmares? Glo
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