Question:
SPOILER? * * * * * * * * Some days, like today, I doubt everything about myself–the memories, dissociative episodes, the amnesia. I wish that someone could just tell me if I’m MP/DID–my therapist or my psychiatrists won’t. I was in therapy for 7 years–PTSD. I tried to tell my therapist about "switching" and going places at night that my friend would tell me about and that I have no recollection of. Amnesia for doing some things. My friend says she sure about me…that she’s seen me switch and not remember lots of times. After termination with that therapist (he moved away), I waited about 6 months, and now I am seeing another therapist because things kept getting worse with not remembering and, I guess, "switching"–I don’t know. So, my need/question is, Why am I not sure? I’m scared…I have burns on my legs from episodes with someone inside called "The Punisher" which I don’t remember. I hope this doesn’t make anyone feel bad. My life feels very fragmented right night. I feel lost. Is it this way in the begining…that you’re not sure if you believe what’s really going on inside? Please post–I am trying to learn how to follow any responses I get (look for RE: Needing Support) or email me. I would be very thankful for any feedback you may have. Thanks, Ann-Marie
Response:
SPOILER?
nah Some days, like today, I doubt everything about myself–the memories, dissociative episodes, the amnesia. I wish that someone could just tell me if I’m MP/DID–my therapist or my psychiatrists won’t. I was in therapy for 7 years–PTSD. I
like Jill (Rainbow Colors) said: you already know you dissociate, and that you are on the continuum toward the multiple end (at least). at that point, the actual label doesn’t really matter in terms of treatment: it’s the same. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – tried to tell my therapist about "switching" and going places at night that my friend would tell me about and that I have no recollection of. Amnesia for doing some things. My friend says she sure about me…that she’s seen me switch and not remember lots of times. After termination with that therapist (he moved away), I waited about 6 months, and now I am seeing another therapist because things kept getting worse with not remembering and, I guess, "switching"–I don’t know. So, my need/question is, Why am I not sure? I’m scared…I have burns on my legs from episodes with someone inside called "The Punisher" which I don’t remember. I hope this doesn’t make anyone feel bad. My life feels very fragmented right night. I feel lost. Is it this way in the begining…that you’re not sure if you believe what’s really going on inside? Please post–I am trying to learn how to follow any responses I get (look for RE: Needing Support) or email me. I would be very thankful for any feedback you may have. Thanks, Ann-Marie
yes, this is very typical for dissociation, especially at the beginning of awareness, but even later also. denial, ignoring, being unaware…that’s what got us through whatever it was that caused us to use dissociation as a defense in the first place. it is a really hard thing to give up. try talking to the inside, to the parts or alters or whatever you want to call them (doesn’t matter what you call them, really, the choice is yours)–the ones that do the stuff during your periods of amnesia. just start talking inside even if you aren’t sure anyone can hear you; somebody probably does. tell them you want to start to get to know them. and listen for answers. maybe start a communication journal that you can write in and others can write things you can read, if you can’t hear each other directly now. good luck. and welcome. pink bunnies / ~ ) All conditions are temporary //| ( `o’_* — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
Response:
Hi Ann Marie, About 3 years ago WE went thought some rough times like you are describing.WE are poly fragmented MPD/DID. 1st before WE went into therapy, people would come up to US and call US by different names. WE didn"t seem to know these people. WE would loose a lot of time, time that wasn’t accounted for. WE would end in different States askimg how WE got there. WE had different sizes of cloths and shoes. WE write, walked, talked different than the host personiality. Our eye color changes from blue to green, grey,brown,black,violet etc.Depending on which personality is in charge. OUR blood pressure,heart rate,pluse is all different from each other. One can have a cold and rest not,etc. Our SO helped the therapist a lot in identifying the different personalities,because they had indroduced themselves.In OUR SO’s own words, the personalities were like talking and being around different people at work. In otherwords very well formed personalities.No guess work. WE all have likes and dislikes etc.WE all wear different cloths, colors,sizes etc. In short without some of the hard gory details this is MPD/DID. The main point to keep in mind is that you are getting help from a trained therapist.If you are MPD it will come to the for front, if not you are still recieving the help you need. WE hope this may of helped in a small way, good luck in your healing proccess. May peace be with you. Ronnie
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – SPOILER? * * * * * * * * Some days, like today, I doubt everything about myself–the memories, dissociative episodes, the amnesia. I wish that someone could just tell me if I’m MP/DID–my therapist or my psychiatrists won’t. I was in therapy for 7 years–PTSD. I tried to tell my therapist about "switching" and going places at night that my friend would tell me about and that I have no recollection of. Amnesia for doing some things. My friend says she sure about me…that she’s seen me switch and not remember lots of times. After termination with that therapist (he moved away), I waited about 6 months, and now I am seeing another therapist because things kept getting worse with not remembering and, I guess, "switching"–I don’t know. So, my need/question is, Why am I not sure? I’m scared…I have burns on my legs from episodes with someone inside called "The Punisher" which I don’t remember. I hope this doesn’t make anyone feel bad. My life feels very fragmented right night. I feel lost. Is it this way in the begining…that you’re not sure if you believe what’s really going on inside? Please post–I am trying to learn how to follow any responses I get (look for RE: Needing Support) or email me. I would be very thankful for any feedback you may have. Thanks, Ann-Marie
HI, I don’t remember if I’ve said that to you yet. 
Well, let’s see; you are not sure because being multiple sucks, because it’s better (for me at least) to consider myself crazy, because if you believe you will finally have something real to work on in therapy, because the FMS morons in the world have done a job on people’s heads, because being multiple means _something_ happened and it is really no fun to find out what. (Something like 97% find abuse, the rest find other trauma. My therapist says he’s never heard of someone being multiple for no reason at all:( ) Oh, and it could be that your therapists are just concerned about giving you that label. Insurance companies can be _real_ stupid!!!! Some of what you describe could be from your dissociation. In other words it doesn’t ‘prove’ you are multiple. OTOH, I could say that about just about anything. There is such a fine line between being multiple and not being multiple that it is really meaningless. There are people in this group who have more distinct alters than I do right now, yet they are labeled DDNOS and I am labeled multiple. At the time I received the label I _was_ multiple, now I’m not always so sure. The whole thing is on a continuum, like a time line. On one end is normal dissociation like daydreaming, on the other is active polyfragmented mulitplicity. You fall somewhere on this line, as do I. Exactly _where_ is both not at all important and _very_ important. It is not important because the treatment and healing will be the same. No matter what you call it you have to get reconnected, unlearn dysfunctional habits/responses, sort out who you are and what you want to be, heal and reclaim the past, and so on. The techniques are the same regardless of the label. It is very important because it helps us to define ourselves and feel we belong. I never used to fit in or belong. I was very lonely and cut off. I fit in here and I belong. I am one of the gang. This means it is important for me to represent myself honestly and genuinely (it’s important to _me_ that I do this) so I want to have the right label to use when referring to myself. I am always concerned that people will misunderstand me and will be misled because of it. (old tapes!:( ) I fought with the label for about three years. Multiple, DDNOS, what should I call myself!!! Then my therapist finally got through to me. It doesn’t matter! I could insist on the label schizophrenic and he’d still do the same things to help me. As long as you are making progress in therapy, feel like you are growing (slowly still counts!), and feel your therapist understands what your primary problems are in the present, you can label yourself anything you want! (yeah, I know, this doesn’t help. I had to be told this over and over in this group for two years before I caught on). And in case you need to hear it, it doesn’t matter in this group what your label is either. Rainbow Colors (Jill) — I choose to post non-anon because my abusers are afraid. They would have to admit something happened in order to confront me; this they will never do. They are the only people who will be upset if they know who I am, and they are too afraid to admit to what they did. Black of Rainbow Colors
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi, We all feel uncertain sometimes. Last week I was in major denial (again!) and my therp asked what was the difference between when I think I have MPD and when I think I don’t. I just told him it depends what day it is! Really, I think knowing that you believed it before, know something happened, yet can’t remember what happened or why you felt that way so strongly when you now feel the other way just as strongly… oh, well, I’m not expressing this well… but I mean, it just kind of proves the MPD point. Switching and co-consciousness cause this kind of doubts. I’m glad I have a very supportive therp who puts up with all the mood swings and switching!
Oops I accidentally deleted Tyrothect’s name. Well, your therapist _better_ put up with the mood swings and switching, it’s sort of ‘normal’ with dissociation For me, the doubt creeps in when things get too tense inside. If I am getting too anxious or too close to ‘believing’ or whatever I shut down and that leads to denial. otherwise, the denial happens when red dress lady gets revved up. My therapist thinks she’s great because she is _so_ convinced we are all nuts and she is right. He gets the biggest kick out of her comments. She was the first one he was able to identify when she is out because she tends to get very ‘fine’ and is always ‘right’. She still isn’t sure if he’s on her side or just likes to bait her… *grin* Yes, this proves the point and kind of proves that we are really multiple. Now, that’s a paradox!!!! Rainbow Colors (Jill) — I choose to post non-anon because my abusers are afraid. They would have to admit something happened in order to confront me; this they will never do. They are the only people who will be upset if they know who I am, and they are too afraid to admit to what they did. Black of Rainbow Colors
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi, We all feel uncertain sometimes. Last week I was in major denial (again!) and my therp asked what was the difference between when I think I have MPD and when I think I don’t. I just told him it depends what day it is! Really, I think knowing that you believed it before, know something happened, yet can’t remember what happened or why you felt that way so strongly when you now feel the other way just as strongly… oh, well, I’m not expressing this well… but I mean, it just kind of proves the MPD point. Switching and co-consciousness cause this kind of doubts. I’m glad I have a very supportive therp who puts up with all the mood swings and switching! Oops I accidentally deleted Tyrothect’s name. Well, your therapist _better_ put up with the mood swings and switching, it’s sort of ‘normal’ with dissociation For me, the doubt creeps in when things get too tense inside. If I am getting too anxious or too close to ‘believing’ or whatever I shut down and that leads to denial. otherwise, the denial happens when red dress lady gets revved up. My therapist thinks she’s great because she is _so_ convinced we are all nuts and she is right. He gets the biggest kick out of her comments. She was the first one he was able to identify when she is out because she tends to get very ‘fine’ and is always ‘right’. She still isn’t sure if he’s on her side or just likes to bait her… *grin* Yes, this proves the point and kind of proves that we are really multiple. Now, that’s a paradox!!!! Rainbow Colors (Jill) — I choose to post non-anon because my abusers are afraid. They would have to admit something happened in order to confront me; this they will never do. They are the only people who will be upset if they know who I am, and they are too afraid to admit to what they did. Black of Rainbow Colors
RC, Thanks. I’m learning so much from everyone of you. This is sooooooo strange…I mean finding support on the Internet, especially just coming to terms about my MP/DID. It feels so crazy sometimes, but like you said, mostly it gets crazy when I am desperately trying to deny something or when I am super anxious and don’t know why…like all this week, every day was calm…then anxious, then calm…then anxious again for a few hours. Today has been hell & back…but now it’s more calm. Thanks for listening, Ann-Marie
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