Question:
Please get rid of your obsessive wacko controlling boyfriend. Don’t confuse ‘love’ with ‘need’ or ‘co-dependency’ You and your kids deserve much better, even if you go it alone a while. You can’t fix him. Joy
Response:
I had a boy friend whom I’d describe in the same way. My psychologist describe the situation as being the same as a prisoner of war who is tortured, and doesn’t care about your survival. What would you do to a torturer if you were a prisoner of war? Whatever you have to to stay alive? This kind of person is sociopathic or narcissist. They see others only as they relate to themselves, not someone who has independent rights and feelings. He can only change if he wants to – and he won’t want to; he likes the power and is probably addicted to the adrenalin high anger gives him. You WILL require professional help, including treatment for PTSD. From long term abuse. Restraining order could make him more violent, it’s a 50/50 chance. What would you do to stay alive, prisoner of war? What’s the worst that could happen? For me it would be to go to jail for murder (self defense). And that was better than being his prisoner of war. Be sure to talk to a specialist. Talk to, and prepare to go to a women’s safe house. Although I was prepare to kill and do jail time, I was lucky, my abuser left me alone. For 4 years now. remember, the longer it goes on, the more you risk violence to both yourself and your children. Christina
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I have been with this guy for 1 year. He has been very controlling. He says mean things, always not trusting me for no reason, I love him and never thought of another….He has violent anger and destructive behavior. I tried to help him, even though I need help myself with other issues for which I am seeking counseling for a couple months. I feel depressed alot and self esteem very low, ect… I broke up with him before, but went back because I felt alot of love and hoped things would work out. Things did change for a couple weeks, but he didn’t change. I have 2 kids (that I had before we got together) and dn’t want them to see this part of him anymore. It’s very hard for me to leave him in anumber of ways. First is I do care for him alot. Second, he won’t accept the break up and is obsessed with not letting me go. It’s like as much as I try to make him understand he needs help and I can’t help him, he doesn’t hear me. He is coming around every day for 8 days now, pleading, manipulating, trying everything in the world, tricking me ect… What should I do to get him to stop & get help & accept things. Run like hell! There is almost a 30% chance he will try to kill you when on prozac.
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I have been with this guy for 1 year. He has been very controlling. He says mean things, always not trusting me for no reason, I love him and never thought of another….He has violent anger and destructive behavior. I tried to help him, even though I need help myself with other issues for which I am seeking counseling for a couple months. I feel depressed alot and self esteem very low, ect… I broke up with him before, but went back because I felt alot of love and hoped things would work out. Things did change for a couple weeks, but he didn’t change. I have 2 kids (that I had before we got together) and dn’t want them to see this part of him anymore. It’s very hard for me to leave him in anumber of ways. First is I do care for him alot. Second, he won’t accept the break up and is obsessed with not letting me go. It’s like as much as I try to make him understand he needs help and I can’t help him, he doesn’t hear me. He is coming around every day for 8 days now, pleading, manipulating, trying everything in the world, tricking me ect… What should I do to get him to stop & get help & accept things.
This type of person can’t be reasoned with and unfortunately the police don’t care until he kills you. This kind of person thinks like this: "since I’m so angry now I get to behave anyway I want to and it’s justified because, after all, I’m pretty upset…". This means that no matter how you try to reason with this person, if it’s not what they want to hear, it just gets them upset and to them being upset is a really good reason to behave very badly. Basically, you have someone who is insecure right to the core. This kind of person won’t take criticism, no matter how constuctive and well meant, because to them it makes them look small and this sort is ultra sensitive to anyone they think is "walking all over them". They are ultra sensitive to being made to look the fool. If he gets rejected by a woman, in his mind that makes him look like a big loser. He’d rather become as angry as possible and do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to remedy that situation no matter how ridiculous (and dangerous it becomes). But he’s torn between not liking you and not wanting to be alone. So he behaves badly out of his insecurities and fears plus his irritaion with you (remember, he’s only with you because any woman is better than none, this means that there are things about you that will irritate him. Think about it, if you hitch up with someone without considering whether they’re your type etc. what do you expect would happen… but this is how insecure ppl. get into disfunctional relationships) and then he gets rejected but he can’t have that so he goes out of his way to win you back. One thing that might help is to check yourself and see if you’re attitude when he comes around is one that says, "oh you poor dear, I’m sorry but I don’t want to get back together…". Any attitude that makes him think he’s got the smallest chance and he’ll keep at it till the crack of doom. You have to be hard, indifferent, maybe even mocking; "get lost, I’m having another man". Be as someone who never knew this person, never wants to know them and couldn’t care less if they lived or died in a million years. If you show the smallest sign that you care then he’ll hang onto that for dear life. Be prepared ahead of time. Have a camera that you can use quickly on hand because in court, if there’s no evidence, you can get away with murder. Be prepared. Talk this way through a locked door. If windows can be broken into, be ready to retreat to a room that can be locked. Basically, buy enough time for the police to saunter on over after you’ve dialed 911 (should it come to that). Have that phone ready. Think of it as pure business. Also, don’t be sappy and whimpering with the cops. Make it clear to them that you are in fear for your life (if you have to shoot the guy in self defense, this is what you want to say, that you were in fear for your life). Even if you’re not sure you were in fear for your life, I’m rather afraid that they won’t listen to anything else. One way to deal with your own insecurities is to stop, relax, stop trying to be strong or this way or that way and just sort of experience who you really are… this exercise can help you to get a sense of your *self*. It’s easier to function when we are proceeding from our sense of who we are. You may have to practice this since it doesn’t come automatically for so many of us. I hope that made sense for you. Try not to get freaked out by the little delay between feeling insecure and the time it takes to hone in on that sense of self. Hope that helps.
Response:
Excellent advice, John, And keep in mind that "not giving him any encouragement" is vital. If you say, "I care for you (or love you), but this isn’t good for me and the safety of my children".He’ll come back at you saying, "You told me you love me, you want me to stay". The rest won’t register at all. You need to speak to him without any of the niceties of conversation. No politeness, but nothing inflammatory. Do not feel sorry for him; he will use it as a weapon against you. Tell your counselor about him, if you have not already done so. It might help to take him to your counselor to discuss the difficulties you two have, so you can have support telling him to stop seeing you. Keep in mind, you are not exaggerating the problems. Things are instead worse than you think. You had the courage to write. You’re strong. Best wishes. Christina
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I have been with this guy for 1 year. He has been very controlling. He says mean things, always not trusting me for no reason, I love him and never thought of another….He has violent anger and destructive behavior. I tried to help him, even though I need help myself with other issues for which I am seeking counseling for a couple months. I feel depressed alot and self esteem very low, ect… I broke up with him before, but went back because I felt alot of love and hoped things would work out. Things did change for a couple weeks, but he didn’t change. I have 2 kids (that I had before we got together) and dn’t want them to see this part of him anymore. It’s very hard for me to leave him in anumber of ways. First is I do care for him alot. Second, he won’t accept the break up and is obsessed with not letting me go. It’s like as much as I try to make him understand he needs help and I can’t help him, he doesn’t hear me. He is coming around every day for 8 days now, pleading, manipulating, trying everything in the world, tricking me ect… What should I do to get him to stop & get help & accept things. This type of person can’t be reasoned with and unfortunately the police don’t care until he kills you. This kind of person thinks like this: "since I’m so angry now I get to behave anyway I want to and it’s justified because, after all, I’m pretty upset…". This means that no matter how you try to reason with this person, if it’s not what they want to hear, it just gets them upset and to them being upset is a really good reason to behave very badly. Basically, you have someone who is insecure right to the core. This kind of person won’t take criticism, no matter how constuctive and well meant, because to them it makes them look small and this sort is ultra sensitive to anyone they think is "walking all over them". They are ultra sensitive to being made to look the fool. If he gets rejected by a woman, in his mind that makes him look like a big loser. He’d rather become as angry as possible and do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to remedy that situation no matter how ridiculous (and dangerous it becomes). But he’s torn between not liking you and not wanting to be alone. So he behaves badly out of his insecurities and fears plus his irritaion with you (remember, he’s only with you because any woman is better than none, this means that there are things about you that will irritate him. Think about it, if you hitch up with someone without considering whether they’re your type etc. what do you expect would happen… but this is how insecure ppl. get into disfunctional relationships) and then he gets rejected but he can’t have that so he goes out of his way to win you back. One thing that might help is to check yourself and see if you’re attitude when he comes around is one that says, "oh you poor dear, I’m sorry but I don’t want to get back together…". Any attitude that makes him think he’s got the smallest chance and he’ll keep at it till the crack of doom. You have to be hard, indifferent, maybe even mocking; "get lost, I’m having another man". Be as someone who never knew this person, never wants to know them and couldn’t care less if they lived or died in a million years. If you show the smallest sign that you care then he’ll hang onto that for dear life. Be prepared ahead of time. Have a camera that you can use quickly on hand because in court, if there’s no evidence, you can get away with murder. Be prepared. Talk this way through a locked door. If windows can be broken into, be ready to retreat to a room that can be locked. Basically, buy enough time for the police to saunter on over after you’ve dialed 911 (should it come to that). Have that phone ready. Think of it as pure business. Also, don’t be sappy and whimpering with the cops. Make it clear to them that you are in fear for your life (if you have to shoot the guy in self defense, this is what you want to say, that you were in fear for your life). Even if you’re not sure you were in fear for your life, I’m rather afraid that they won’t listen to anything else. One way to deal with your own insecurities is to stop, relax, stop trying to be strong or this way or that way and just sort of experience who you really are… this exercise can help you to get a sense of your *self*. It’s easier to function when we are proceeding from our sense of who we are. You may have to practice this since it doesn’t come automatically for so many of us. I hope that made sense for you. Try not to get freaked out by the little delay between feeling insecure and the time it takes to hone in on that sense of self. Hope that helps.
Response:
Remember, the advice above is from a psychopathic drug addict.
I have yet to see you say anything positive in this group. Sounds to me more like YOU’RE the psychopath. Try getting your OWN life instead of trying to suck it out of others.
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