Trauma – PTSD

Question:

Hi Nancy, {snip} >  The amount of time spent, places been, >etc. does not seem to affect whether or not one has PTSD.  What >gave me PTSD did not even bother other women. :/

Nancy, I maybe wrong, but I suspect that you were a nurse/doctor??  I certainly have tremendous respect for the work that was done by you. As for it not bothering others in your unit, that’s almost beyond belief.  And I also agree that the geographical location of service has no bearing on PTSD itself. I had the idea that I could ALWAYs count on myself, that I would never do anything to let myself down, and then I go "off the edge". >I’ve done PLFs off of bars too.  [Great!!!  When can we HAHO

together???...  :) ]  However, the fact that I finally came to the place where my mind could no longer wrap >itself around unreasonable events and asked for some ‘peace of >mind’ is not, IMO, a ‘defect’.

I was only speaking for myself and didn’t intend to direct my feeling’s towards anyone else.. >In the last few years I have discovered an important part of >myself that needs to do ‘other things’; my path is changing, >perhaps to where it was originally meant to go.  In the meantime, >I keep thinking about my old path and how it relates to the PTSD >tendency to constantly retraumatize myself.

I haven’t reached the point yet where I go very long without the intrusive thoughts, flashbacks & nightmare’s. My path has changed also, only not for the better, I’m afraid.   It’s good to hear that you have such a positive attitude, obviously you’re in better touch with your Zen than I am.    I always said that what didn’t destroy you, only made you stronger.  At times I think this will destroy me first.  That doesn’t bother me as much as the thought that this nightmare has been going on for several years & will never end.  Atleast my team members don’t suffer anymore, maybe they are the lucky one’s. I don’t know anymore. Thanks for sharing your out-look & all the best. Airborne! Yours, J.A.

Response:

Hi J.A.! > {snip} > >  The amount of time spent, places been, > >etc. does not seem to affect whether or not one has PTSD.  What > >gave me PTSD did not even bother other women. :/ > Nancy, I maybe wrong, but I suspect that you were a nurse/doctor??

Nope, just a WAC doing PR for the USArmy during Vietnam, defending the troops to the media when the civilian leaders were misguided in their method of conducting the war; the wife of an advisor to the RF/PF during Tet etc.; and the rape victim of a lifer who went to Europe, rather than down South. > However, the fact that I finally came to the place > where my mind could no longer wrap > >itself around unreasonable events and asked for some ‘peace of > >mind’ is not, IMO, a ‘defect’. > I was only speaking for myself and didn’t intend to direct my feeling’s > towards anyone else..

I know … I was just stating an alternative mind-set.  With PTSD, I sometimes have a difficult time seeing the alternatives … I thought the statement might give you an alternative to diminish your apparent self-anger. > >In the last few years I have discovered an important part of > >myself that needs to do ‘other things’; my path is changing, > >perhaps to where it was originally meant to go.  In the meantime, > >I keep thinking about my old path and how it relates to the PTSD > >tendency to constantly retraumatize myself. > I haven’t reached the point yet where I go very long without the intrusive > thoughts, flashbacks & nightmare’s.

Ditto … thank goodness I cannot remember most of my nightmares.  Flashbacks daily, seem to be never-ending, magical thinking and intrusive thoughts sometimes hourly.  The effort to fight this ‘mind stuff’ was enervating.  Now, I just let it come and wait for it to be over.  This seems to be easier for me … acceptance that this is where my ‘other personality’ is now living. > My path has changed also, only not for the better, I’m afraid.

Thought for today … who am I to decide if my new path is ‘better or worse’?  I prefer to use the word ‘different’. > I always said that what didn’t destroy you, only made you stronger.  At times > I think this will destroy me first.  That doesn’t bother me as much as the > thought that this nightmare has been going on for several years & will never > end.

As I keep getting told: PTSD recovery is an option that only I can select and execute for myself.  The psychiatrists and therapists can help me with the recovery process, but they cannot zap me with a cure … the help is there for me to use, when and/or if I decide to accept it.  The longer I fight my symptoms, the behinder I get. Prince Charming never lived and cannot save me today … this is a do it yourself job YMMV Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy

Response:

Hi J.A.! > each week I’m at the VA for an appointment I see people who have been going > trough this for over 20+ years & are still having extreme problems. And > these are people that had only spent 3-4 yrs in the military.

Their reactions to their traumas are no less debilitating than those who were exposed to traumas over a longer period of time. One of my character defects is ‘judgment’ and ‘judging others’. It used to bother me that others’ traumas seemed to be less excruciating than mine, or even worse than mine … I was attempting to judge.  The amount of time spent, places been, etc. does not seem to affect whether or not one has PTSD.  What gave me PTSD did not even bother other women. :/ > I’ve never given up on > anything & I’ll continue to keep working.  I just become so guilty, > worthless, etceteras, that I there are plenty of nights I wish I wouldn’t > wake-up in the morning.  And for me to have retire from the military because > this "defect" that I have, meant giving up my entire professional career > (and there was nothing I enjoyed more than my work).

I’ve done PLFs off of bars too.   However, the fact that I finally came to the place where my mind could no longer wrap itself around unreasonable events and asked for some ‘peace of mind’ is not, IMO, a ‘defect’. In the last few years I have discovered an important part of myself that needs to do ‘other things’; my path is changing, perhaps to where it was originally meant to go.  In the meantime, I keep thinking about my old path and how it relates to the PTSD tendency to constantly retraumatize myself. YMMV Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy

Response:

Hi Nancy,  Thanks for the reply.    I’ve receiving "help" for my PTSD since mid-’92, when I was medevac’d.  I understand that it does take time, but each week I’m at the VA for an appointment I see people who have been going trough this for over 20+ years & are still having extreme problems. And these are people that had only spent 3-4 yrs in the military.  During my 22 yrs I have had several experiences in central America, Africa, the mid-east, etc.. that never go away; they only get worse.   I’ve never given up on anything & I’ll continue to keep working.  I just become so guilty, worthless, etceteras, that I there are plenty of nights I wish I wouldn’t wake-up in the morning.  And for me to have retire from the military because this "defect" that I have, meant giving up my entire professional career (and there was nothing I enjoyed more than my work). Thanks for your thoughts & take care, J.A.

Response:

Hi JA!                         — snip — > and even wanted to hospitalize me right then.  The way I felt to be able to > talk to someone that could relate to what I was talking about made a big > difference.

Yeah … it was amazing to me when my therapist at the VA pointed out how abusive the 1960’s USArmy policies were towards women when I had _finally_ accepted the unacceptable as ‘normal’.                         — snip — > people.  I don’t think I’m doing any better most of the time, but I know I > must have better day’s than. I just wish that the good days were more often.

You’ve been in treatment for how long?  It may have taken you 10+ years to get to PTSD; how about giving the recovery period as much time before you try to judge how well you are doing?  One of the symptoms of PTSD is confused perceptions or ‘distorted thinking’ Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy

Response:

I’d have to say that the treatment & approach to PTSD relating to military events is quite different from the treating of civ. related PTSD.  In ‘92  I was medevac’d back to the state’s after a doctor determined that I was suffering from extreme PTSD on not, a was thought the most, that I had simply gone insane. After spending 3 months in a mil. hospital, I was discharged with 1 days notice, with my doctor stating, "We can’t do anything else for you. Sorry."  I was given a  medical discharge after 22 yrs of service.  I moved and began to see a civ. psychiatrist, the 1st of two; neither one had any idea of what I was talking about, although when dealing with patients relating to non-military/combat related PTSD they were said to be excellent.      After a year of this, spending most of the time with a pistol in my hand, my mind was about 1/2 a klick from walking of the map. Somehow a managed up at the local VA hosp one day, they saw me immediately and even wanted to hospitalize me right then.  The way I felt to be able to talk to someone that could relate to what I was talking about made a big difference. For about the 1st 6 mons. or a yr. I was being seen 5 times a week. I’m now down to every 2 weeks. I was attending a group for awhile, but then stopped because I was so uncomfortable in such a large group, 5-6 people.  I don’t think I’m doing any better most of the time, but I know I must have better day’s than. I just wish that the good days were more often. I’m sorry this was so long.      What I really wanted to say was that you have to have the right doctor for the right type of illness. At least then there is at least some chance of getting help. All the best, J.A.

Response:

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