Question:
realize I sound like a raging lunatic. Its all emotion and not much objective reasoning. How do I stop this… It gets me so angry with myself and then I start beating myself up over it. The objective in this is that I don’t want to lose this man’s friendship, so why do I keep sabotaging that? What the heck is going on there? I am at a loss… Reply requested, KJME
Maybe you could waite before responding. I know that doesn’t change the initial feelings, but it would give you time to calm down and perhaps see it in a different light. Maybe write a message to yourself as to why you are responding in ways that sound like a raging lunatic. The things that we learn about ourSelfs and the things that we want to change all take time. Recognition is the first key. No need to beat yourself up. That only makes the situation look/feel worse than it already does. I know what you mean about sabatoging. I used to be the champ. Now I’m only runner up! We’ve been hurt enough in our lives, we don’t need to create more pain for ourSelfs. Could you write to your friend and tell him that you’re really good at screwing up your own life? Good luck Blessed Be Linda
Response:
ation was not his intent. In the end, both of our feelings have been hurt. My problem is this… why do I keep overreacting in this way? I read my messages to him a few days after they are sent and I realize I sound like a raging lunatic.
I cant say why you do this however i can suggest that you wait 2-4 days after writing the letters before sending them then you can always re group them.heather
Response:
I have been lurking, reading with great attention the Loss of `family’ thread. I can’t begin to say how much I relate. It’s all there. I am PTSD in treatment for 3 yrs, I have been feeling really good for the last 6 mos. or so, but in the last week–I’ve lost it somehow. I have a very dear friend in all this…a man who originally was there for me when I faced the beginning of my fears. The problem is that I can’t seem to stop misreading alot of his communications. (We communicate through e-mail) I was abused by a brother as a child, and it has left me with this overwhelming need to feel love from a man, A "brother-figure" as it were, without sexuality. I have been through alot of other stuff and resolved all that I can in most other areas, but this is so hard for me to get past. He has been accepting of me in every case, not always there, but accepting which is more than I can say for everyone else. Anyway, this past weekend my husband and I spent the weekend with him. A very nice time. In our next communication, my friend told me that he required only support and friendship in relationships other than sexual ones. Didn’t need love. That shocked me. I consider him my best friend and over this last Xmas told him that I loved him. I wasn’t expecting to hear those words but to hear the complete opposite was shocking to me. I sent him a hurtful e-mail, and he returned one in complete confusion. I replied my feelings and fears about his original e-mail, and he explained that what I "read" in the communication was not his intent. In the end, both of our feelings have been hurt. My problem is this… why do I keep overreacting in this way? I read my messages to him a few days after they are sent and I realize I sound like a raging lunatic. Its all emotion and not much objective reasoning. How do I stop this… It gets me so angry with myself and then I start beating myself up over it. The objective in this is that I don’t want to lose this man’s friendship, so why do I keep sabotaging that? What the heck is going on there? I am at a loss… Reply requested, KJME
Response:
It’s been quite awhile since I posted anything to this newsgroup (other than my recent post re: emdr). I hope I haven’t been totally forgotten. I thought I’d just put down some of what’s going on in my therapy/life, and hope to get some feedback, or at least know that I’m being listened to. I’m at the point (again) in my therapy where I’m feeling really empty, and I’m realising that I’m never going to have the family that I always wanted. I go through this cyclically; at least once a year I have this painful insight, then I conveniently focus on something else until it comes up again. It’s so amazingly difficult for me to say: my family was and never will be there for me. My family consisted of sick, self-centered, egotistical sadists who never loved me; who in fact, were incapable of loving me. All of my dreams of having been loved are simply that: dreams. My multiplicity protected me from the harsh reality of my abuse, but as an adult, I can no longer deny what was done to me. The cynical part of me screams obscenities; ‘why does it matter whether or not they loved you? we didn’t need them!’ But it does matter. Because somewhere in life I learned that love determines worth. Because I learned that being a "good girl" determined love. And because I was never able to be good enough for them. I always tried; I did everything….tried to help them love me. And once in awhile, it seemed like they did. When I got to bring my Barbie pool inside the house, or when I was taken out for ice cream. Was that love? No, no, no, no…..that was manipulation, seduction and sadistic mind-fucking. So this emptiness doesn’t make sense. Except that it’s the emptiness of the idea. The idea of a family; the idea of being loved for who I was as a child, not how many people I fucked or how I performed my "responsibilities.." And so I am left tired and confused. Tired of battling the constant raging war in my head that I deserved a family/ I deserved to die because I was so bad. Tired of wanting something that will never happen. Tired of remembering what they did to me, where they did it, how much they did it. Tired of this emptiness that comes to me in the middle of the night and tears me apart. They say: "it’s never too late to have a happy childhood" and that is a crock of shit! You can’t go back and make them love you. You can do whatever you can in the present to reclaim it, but you can never rewrite it. You can never make what happened not happen. And I’m confused. Because part of me would go back to them in a second, just to have a ‘family…’ just to be that little girl I always wanted to be; to have the loving parents and life I always imagined. And then I remember with a cold shocking depth of blunt pain: You can’t go back to them. You never belonged there to begin with. *tears* tesserae "i have not come this far in life to be pitiful …" - http://www.free.cts.com/sd/i/illusion –
Response:
It’s been quite awhile since I posted anything to this newsgroup (other than my recent post re: emdr). I hope I haven’t been totally forgotten.
Of course not 8). I thought I’d just put down some of what’s going on in my therapy/life, and hope to get some feedback, or at least know that I’m being listened to.
Say what? – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I’m at the point (again) in my therapy where I’m feeling really empty, and I’m realising that I’m never going to have the family that I always wanted. I go through this cyclically; at least once a year I have this painful insight, then I conveniently focus on something else until it comes up again. It’s so amazingly difficult for me to say: my family was and never will be there for me. My family consisted of sick, self-centered, egotistical sadists who never loved me; who in fact, were incapable of loving me. All of my dreams of having been loved are simply that: dreams. My multiplicity protected me from the harsh reality of my abuse, but as an adult, I can no longer deny what was done to me. The cynical part of me screams obscenities; ‘why does it matter whether or not they loved you? we didn’t need them!’ But it does matter. Because somewhere in life I learned that love determines worth. Because I learned that being a "good girl" determined love. And because I was never able to be good enough for them. I always tried; I did everything….tried to help them love me. And once in awhile, it seemed like they did. When I got to bring my Barbie pool inside the house, or when I was taken out for ice cream. Was that love? No, no, no, no…..that was manipulation, seduction and sadistic mind-fucking. So this emptiness doesn’t make sense. Except that it’s the emptiness of the idea. The idea of a family; the idea of being loved for who I was as a child, not how many people I fucked or how I performed my "responsibilities.." And so I am left tired and confused. Tired of battling the constant raging war in my head that I deserved a family/ I deserved to die because I was so bad. Tired of wanting something that will never happen. Tired of remembering what they did to me, where they did it, how much they did it. Tired of this emptiness that comes to me in the middle of the night and tears me apart. They say: "it’s never too late to have a happy childhood" and that is a crock of shit! You can’t go back and make them love you. You can do whatever you can in the present to reclaim it, but you can never rewrite it. You can never make what happened not happen. And I’m confused. Because part of me would go back to them in a second, just to have a ‘family…’ just to be that little girl I always wanted to be; to have the loving parents and life I always imagined. And then I remember with a cold shocking depth of blunt pain: You can’t go back to them. You never belonged there to begin with. *tears* tesserae
The only thing that I have come to see as a positive in this realization ] is that you are now, as an adult, free to assemble your OWN family (out of familiar materials found around the house, e.g. people you like because you like them, not because they have the same last name as you.) I for one am not going to be cheated out of the joys of family, even if I am coming to it fairly late in life and from a pretty unorthodox angle. You can’t have retro-fitted loving parents, true, but you can have people around who love you. And since you DID never belong there to begin with, now you actually get to do “family” for the first time 8). "i have not come this far in life to be pitiful …" - http://www.free.cts.com/sd/i/illusion –
avertigero
Response:
It’s been quite awhile since I posted anything to this newsgroup (other than my recent post re: emdr). I hope I haven’t been totally forgotten.
No Way!! I’m at the point (again) in my therapy where I’m feeling really empty, and I’m realising that I’m never going to have the family that I always wanted [. . .]
I’m starting to wonder whether I maybe *do* have the family I always wanted, and that I made it myself, and that it lives inside me. I dunno. And so I am left tired and confused. Tired of battling the constant raging war in my head that I deserved a family/ I deserved to die because I was so bad. Tired of wanting something that will never happen.
We’re tired, too. Tired of trying so hard. We want to give up. In many ways, we *have* given up. They say: "it’s never too late to have a happy childhood"
Who says that? They’re idiots. But it might not be too late to have a happy adulthood (I hope I hope I hope). And I’m confused. Because part of me would go back to them in a second, just to have a ‘family…’ just to be that little girl I always wanted to be; to have the loving parents and life I always imagined.
Instead of imagining going back to an impossible situation, have you tried imagining a *future* in which you and your inside parts can love yourselves and each other, and maybe even some other people who will treat you better than your family did? That’s what I’m trying to build in my imagination. It doesn’t always work, mind you, but it seems like a worthwhile fantasy. Take care, swiv
Response:
It’s been quite awhile since I posted anything to this newsgroup (other than my recent post re: emdr). I hope I haven’t been totally forgotten. I’m at the point (again) in my therapy where I’m feeling really empty, and I’m realising that I’m never going to have the family that I always wanted [. . .]
I hate that. empty is a feeling I can *definitely* relate to, sorry that you’re feeling bad. I used to make up imaginary families in my head. Ever since I was a little girl. And so I am left tired and confused. Tired of battling the constant raging war in my head that I deserved a family/ I deserved to die because I was so bad. Tired of wanting something that will never happen.
I feel like I deserve to die because I feel like I have no right to live, like someone forgot to give me permission or something. and then I get angry and want to know WHY this all happened — What did I do? What could I have possibly done to deserve it? I come up with all kinds of answers, but none of them seem to satisfy me. You couldn’t have ever have been bad enough to deserve to die, tess. Let the side that says you deserved to have a family win. Because you did. They say: "it’s never too late to have a happy childhood" And I’m confused. Because part of me would go back to them in a second, just to have a ‘family…’ just to be that little girl I always wanted to be; to have the loving parents and life I always imagined.
I can sympathize with wanting to go back just to have family. I sometimes think that maybe if I had a second chance,it would be different — maybe I could figure out what they wanted from me, and then I could be the good little girl this time, and they could love me. But I don’t think it works that way. I wish it did. When I was really little, I made up the perfect "family" inside my head. They saw me, but didn’t run away because of how disgusting I was. They would even touch me, and I always thought no one ever would because of how gross I was. I thought I was untouchable. And their touches didn’t hurt. They were always around to protect me and keep me safe. They listened to me, they spent time with me, and they talked to me. I thought about them all the time — I’d rather spend my time thinking about them than playing with the other kids in school. They became real somehow. I would have conversations in my head with them about everything. I always imagined them taking me away from my parents — that finally, someone could see how bad they were to me. Everyone liked my parents, and so I always knew that no one would ever believe me. But the people in my head did.I didn’t need the outside world after a while. I could just go away with them, and nobody would ever know. When the bad things would happen, they would keep telling me how it would all be over soon, and that it would be ok, and they would clean me up, and take the pain away. I felt so safe with them. they were the only thing I had. Sometimes, I wish I could still go away with them, and just never have to come back. — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
Response:
Dear Donna, Thank you so much — it means a lot. Always afraid of saying the wrong thing, or saying something the wrong way. Thanks for letting me know I’m doing ok. I worry about that. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – winter, your response to tesserae really touched my heart. Bless you, winter. You give so much of yourself. You share so much to us. Your words really makes all of me think and think. Thanks, winter, for being winter. We like you just the way you are. Donna It’s been quite awhile since I posted anything to this newsgroup (other than my recent post re: emdr). I hope I haven’t been totally forgotten. I’m at the point (again) in my therapy where I’m feeling really empty, and I’m realising that I’m never going to have the family that I always wanted [. . .] I hate that. empty is a feeling I can *definitely* relate to, sorry that you’re feeling bad. I used to make up imaginary families in my head. Ever since I was a little girl. And so I am left tired and confused. Tired of battling the constant raging war in my head that I deserved a family/ I deserved to die because I was so bad. Tired of wanting something that will never happen. I feel like I deserve to die because I feel like I have no right to live, like someone forgot to give me permission or something. and then I get angry and want to know WHY this all happened — What did I do? What could I have possibly done to deserve it? I come up with all kinds of answers, but none of them seem to satisfy me. You couldn’t have ever have been bad enough to deserve to die, tess. Let the side that says you deserved to have a family win. Because you did. They say: "it’s never too late to have a happy childhood" And I’m confused. Because part of me would go back to them in a second, just to have a ‘family…’ just to be that little girl I always wanted to be; to have the loving parents and life I always imagined. I can sympathize with wanting to go back just to have family. I sometimes think that maybe if I had a second chance,it would be different — maybe I could figure out what they wanted from me, and then I could be the good little girl this time, and they could love me. But I don’t think it works that way. I wish it did. When I was really little, I made up the perfect "family" inside my head. They saw me, but didn’t run away because of how disgusting I was. They would even touch me, and I always thought no one ever would because of how gross I was. I thought I was untouchable. And their touches didn’t hurt. They were always around to protect me and keep me safe. They listened to me, they spent time with me, and they talked to me. I thought about them all the time — I’d rather spend my time thinking about them than playing with the other kids in school. They became real somehow. I would have conversations in my head with them about everything. I always imagined them taking me away from my parents — that finally, someone could see how bad they were to me. Everyone liked my parents, and so I always knew that no one would ever believe me. But the people in my head did.I didn’t need the outside world after a while. I could just go away with them, and nobody would ever know. When the bad things would happen, they would keep telling me how it would all be over soon, and that it would be ok, and they would clean me up, and take the pain away. I felt so safe with them. they were the only thing I had. Sometimes, I wish I could still go away with them, and just never have to come back. – For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
– * * winter.
Response:
hello tesserae, we recognize your name. it took us about five years to totally separate ourselves from our p*rp-f*mily. We are in touch with 2 younger siblings and that is IT. They don’t even really know where we are. We strongly believe that it is difficult to just remove somethign from our lives unless we have soemthign to fill that place. We were lucky, we had a veryveryvery dear friend whose family emotionally-adopted us and (after several years) said that we were one of them. We think it is very important to find ppl who can be a *real* family to you. Then you can get the thigns you deserved and never were given. You are right, you do deserve love, everyone does, and everyone deserves a real family, too. Unfortuantley we survivors have to find our own frequently 
its hard fo rour little ones to understand, probably the hardest for them we think. But our new family (family-of-choice) knows them and loves tehm too. Adn so we have been able to divorce ourselves from the bio-f*mily and replace it with a new, caring, REAL one. we hope you can do the same. it is a long and painful process, but well worth it. "Ghyie"
Response:
*tears* tesserae
tesserae i have no words, but i share your tears. chris we dream of mommies arms, and daddy’s hugs. and all the children cry – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – "i have not come this far in life to be pitiful …" – http://www.free.cts.com/sd/i/illusion –
Response:
This thread is particularly hitting home with us these days. We dropped family contact in 1990. Our brother ( not a perp) has a terrible drinking problem and had been trying to reach us for a while. He succeeded in March.. We are now trying to help him get into alcohol rehab, and deal with the break-up of his marriage and the possibility that his 3 month old sin will not be part of his life. He has remained in constant contact with our parents. We watch how his life has been and how our parents still deal with him and it is really hard not to want to scream and cry and insist that they just own up to how messed up they’ve made our lives. And we too soemtimes (even now) just want them to suddenly have a great awakening and turn *normal*. And its really sad that we get our validation through watching the pain they inflict on our brother. And its even more sad that they still do this. Needed to spill. Thanks, OMalley
Response:
Hi tesserae! I am glad to see you posting. I know what you mean about the saying "never too late to have a happy childhood." I liked what pope anon said, and yes you can find people who will love you now, but it’s just not the same as growing up with a loving mother and father. Nobody in anybody’s adult life *owes* unconditional love. Love for adults is based in treatment, behavior, giving as well as receiving. I think that only in childhood are people with the ones who should love them unconditionally, no matter what. And if you don’t get that there’s no going back. :( There’s healing and growth though, but I don’t think anything can replace what is missing. (I don’t think it means you are doomed or anything like that, no no… I’m just mourning the loss of what you should have had.) I checked out your web page the other day. I read your alter’s pages, Brooke and oh gosh, the inner self helper, sorry I forgot hir name. Sorry. I hope that is not a trigger or anything… By how much the pages moved me you’d think I would remember the name. Anyway, I think you are a group of very strong, courageous and giving people, and you give a lot to the net and to survivor issues, and from the childhood you had that is just so amazing and admirable. I am very glad to know you. Take good care, cindi — — "Let’s treat our children like the visiting dignataries they are." from _The Ten Greatest Gifts I Give My Children_ by Steven Vannoy
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