Question:
7/4/01 8:10 AM – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> On 04 Jul 2001 06:25:10 GMT, balik…@aol.comzipspam (BaliKris) wrote: >> Well Peter, I’ll take it on faith that you’re not a nut case waiting to walk >> onto a schoolyard and pump some lead, okay? > You don’t need to take it on faith. Violence is not in my nature. > I think that as the PTSD de-intensified the ideation on suicide > increased. > Curiously help has come from an unexpected quarter: > www.lurking.demon.co.uk/avpdbook.htm > It describes the condition known as Avoidant Personality Disorder with > breathtaking accuracy – seemed to be a biography of me! In its text > it also describes the group pressures and dynamics that had got me > bullied, and in doing so gave assistance to me on how to cope. > Also during the last 24 hours I’ve received external help where before > the mental health system was trying to get me to wander off and get > off their clientele. Am now to get a social worker and being put onto > 3 courses that should help ability to resolve confucions and > strengthen interpersonal skills. > Thanks for your supportive reply > Peter >> It sounds to me like you gave up and just numbed yourself. Numbing yourself >> is >> an easy way to go since you don’t hope for a damn thing. It also goes in >> hand >> with a focus of survival and strength. You can be numb but put up a good >> wall >> at the same time. Weapons and such are an easy way to do it (didn’t realize >> you had such easy gun laws there like we do here.) Mastery of a weapon is a >> good thing for some of us (myself included) but some think it sucks. To each >> their own. Yet going overboard (as you yourself realize) is not going to >> help >> you. Fixating on something like this is a way of blocking out the rage and >> impotence you felt as an abused kid. I should know, my sperm donor was a sick >> bastard himself and would have been Hitler’s buddy if he’d been born a little >> sooner. >> Don’t give up on the medical system. You know you have a problem and you are >> responsible for you NOW. What happened was horribly unfair and painful, but >> now you are the adult and you must make meringue with your egg whites without >> cracking up, okay? >> I’m glad you found us here and I hope you can find some support here if it is >> taking forever in real life. >> Kristine >> The unexamined life is not worth living – Socrates
Best of luck Peter :0) Cherri
Response:
Hi Peter! > Just checking here, because am genuinely not sure whether I’m getting > better or worse or what. > Diag: PTSD, Dysthymia, Avoidant/anxious personality disorder.
I’m sorry that you qualify for this group, but welcome to our little corner of Usenet! > Then a strange thing happened – the trauma de-intensified and I now > have difficulty feeling any emotions. I have also developed a > voracious appetite for military books and survivalist stuff. Am > conditioning myself to handle weapons and tolerate the idea of extreme > violence to others and self.
Survival skills are really important for us with PTSD. We are excellent at survival, not so good at living a full life. :/ Numbing out is, I believe, a diagnostic symptom of PTSD. The FAQ can tell you more at http://astpfaq.tripod.com/astpfaq/ At any rate, numbing out is a survival skill. It gives us some space to _not_ feel the pain. IMO numbing out is useful until treatment arrives; otherwise, we act very inappropriately. Spraying a schoolyard with an AK 47, or sniper practice from a university bell tower are examples of inappropriate behavior from untreated PTSD _without the numbing effect_ IMO. YMMV Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy
Response:
Hi Peter, I feel sort of funny to post this, but here goes. I’ve finally recognized a pattern for PART of the suicidal feelings. Sometimes it happens when I’m very, very angry. I think (subconsciously) that instead of hurting someone else, I turn it inward and want to harm myself. For the rest of the dark times, I don’t have a clue. Other than just plain escapism, to stop the pain. Sounds like you were in a really bad spot, so I’m glad really you’ve found some help. It must have been quite a relief to find that one site. Reaffirming in way, isn’t it? To realize it’s not just you, but that this is a recognized problem, an actual illness. And now that you’re getting a social worker, you’ll be able to get the mental health support you need, hopefully things will ease up for you!!!! : ) Please take care. kat "Peter" <farmer.pent…@virgin.net> wrote in message
news:8ej5kt0d206oisaajc744mumaedsl03sre@4ax.com… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> On 04 Jul 2001 06:25:10 GMT, balik…@aol.comzipspam (BaliKris) wrote: > >Well Peter, I’ll take it on faith that you’re not a nut case waiting to walk > >onto a schoolyard and pump some lead, okay? > You don’t need to take it on faith. Violence is not in my nature. > I think that as the PTSD de-intensified the ideation on suicide > increased. > Curiously help has come from an unexpected quarter: > www.lurking.demon.co.uk/avpdbook.htm > It describes the condition known as Avoidant Personality Disorder with > breathtaking accuracy – seemed to be a biography of me! In its text > it also describes the group pressures and dynamics that had got me > bullied, and in doing so gave assistance to me on how to cope. > Also during the last 24 hours I’ve received external help where before > the mental health system was trying to get me to wander off and get > off their clientele. Am now to get a social worker and being put onto > 3 courses that should help ability to resolve confucions and > strengthen interpersonal skills. > Thanks for your supportive reply > Peter > >It sounds to me like you gave up and just numbed yourself. Numbing yourself is > >an easy way to go since you don’t hope for a damn thing. It also goes in hand > >with a focus of survival and strength. You can be numb but put up a good wall > >at the same time. Weapons and such are an easy way to do it (didn’t realize > >you had such easy gun laws there like we do here.) Mastery of a weapon is a > >good thing for some of us (myself included) but some think it sucks. To each > >their own. Yet going overboard (as you yourself realize) is not going to help > >you. Fixating on something like this is a way of blocking out the rage and > >impotence you felt as an abused kid. I should know, my sperm donor was a sick > >bastard himself and would have been Hitler’s buddy if he’d been born a little > >sooner. > >Don’t give up on the medical system. You know you have a problem and you are > >responsible for you NOW. What happened was horribly unfair and painful, but > >now you are the adult and you must make meringue with your egg whites without > >cracking up, okay? > >I’m glad you found us here and I hope you can find some support here if it is > >taking forever in real life. > >Kristine > >The unexamined life is not worth living – Socrates
Response:
On 04 Jul 2001 12:53:09 GMT, "Nancy Irwin" <ki…@cris.com> wrote: >I’m sorry that you qualify for this group, but welcome to our little corner >of Usenet!
Thanks. >At any rate, numbing out is a survival skill. It gives us some space to >_not_ feel the pain. IMO numbing out is useful until treatment arrives; >otherwise, we act very inappropriately. Spraying a schoolyard with an AK >47, or sniper practice from a university bell tower are examples of >inappropriate behavior from untreated PTSD _without the numbing effect_ IMO.
Well first let me say that your sentences given above "Are not ideas that would occur to me!" to use quaint Quaker jargon of disagreement. Handling weapons is something that I haven’t done but may do at some stage, at the moment it only extends as far as looking at pistol cigarette lighters in shop windows and try to imagine really hurting somebody with a firearm or other means. My willingness to injure another in the course of self-defence is far below normal, so please don’t talk me out of, nor condemn me for hardening myself! It also isn’t "numbing out" – am not blotting out emotion, but am acknowledging and using anger to motivate myself. Studying the SAS and other military books isn’t any revelling in macho violence but rekindles a spirit of adventure and a trying to put myself into their shoes and experience ordinary social jostling through their eyes, with how they responded to it. I’ll certainly do the survivalist stuff – I Loooove cycling, camping and long distance travel, and only regret that I do so much by myself. A lot of pent-up anger and despair concerned how ordinary people conspired together to victimize me when I hadn’t committed any crimes or done anything unfriendly to provoke it. Its those specific people who are or were potential targets, not strangers and never ever children. I look back on my responses and behaviour with great self-respect – showed stability and a gentle demeanour under hostile conditions for many years. Many of them don’t look back on their treatment of me with any but self-loathing for letting themselves be pushed around. This newsgroup posted a URL to www.lurking.demon.com/avpdbook.htm which describes the condition called Avoidant (Anxious) Personality Disorder. Its shed a lot of insight into group dynamics involved in scapegoating and bullying – cognitive dissonance, quick fixes, habituation, pressure to conform, myth of the basically fair world, diffusion of responsibility and deindividuation. I’d witnessed all this in action in people, but didn’t have this articulate insight available at the time, mores the pity. Combine information like this with social skills training, raising aggression level, raising physical fitness with intent to move away from "kick me" behaviour, meds as necessary (especially to stifle the retraumatizing effects of flashbacks) and other measures, and I can both recover from the PTSD part and overturn such oppression in the future. I’ll have AvPD for the rest of my life, but don’t need to be emotionally crippled or even socially isolated by it and can turn it to advantage – its description defines both an acquired social inability to get along normally derived from childhood social exclusion, and compensatory assets of self-reliance, above-normal skills and high standard of integrity. As for better or worse – the root question. Suicide and violence is an impulse that can get expressed as the person recovers – so I must be getting better. On the other hand if this new social worker goes "Why did they harrass you? Are you a shitty villain with a guilty conscience?" Well then I might just experiment with bending a chair around her head.. ;-) Best Peter
Response:
Just checking here, because am genuinely not sure whether I’m getting better or worse or what. Diag: PTSD, Dysthymia, Avoidant/anxious personality disorder. Situation recently (3 months ago) fell out with my P.doc – hes a serious case of CDD (Clue Deficiency Disorder) has prejeudiced his opinion against me, and in all but the last session had attempted to persuade me to move on to another town and get off his overloaded waiting lists. I response I threw some dishes around the flat, went into apathy about getting counselling and became also hostile to the counselling service for stringing me along for 18 month plus without any sign of counselling happening. (This is the UK National Health Service). A propos I’ve been asking for help since 1996, and been sick nearly all my life – had a nightmare childhood with an unrecognised sadistic father. Then a strange thing happened – the trauma de-intensified and I now have difficulty feeling any emotions. I have also developed a voracious appetite for military books and survivalist stuff. Am conditioning myself to handle weapons and tolerate the idea of extreme violence to others and self. No longer on meds. Outwardly looking fine to people. Inwardly calm but highly interested in death and killing which I’m hiding from people because | actually want to leave an unobstructed opportunity to kill if I should choose to do so. While emotionally I feel fine, the longterm untreated PTSD had the effect of melting down my worldview and actually reversing many of my former strengths – used to be a Christian pacifist. Ideas? Peter
Response:
Peter, i go through times like that as well. i will be overwhelmed by everything then all of a suden i go the other way. The memories hide and my personality gets alot more agressive. Usually i’m very quiet, insecure with vitrually no self-esteem. But at these times I’m outspoken, and speak my mind. Needless to say it sometimes gets me into trouble. I have wondered if maybe i would be better off just forgeting everything happened and just live as best i can. Hope my insights help you. Joanne Peter <farmer.pent…@virgin.net> wrote in message
news:t70vjtcpdok2fdf4ohiu8girkre1g0u4jc@4ax.com… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Just checking here, because am genuinely not sure whether I’m getting > better or worse or what. > Diag: PTSD, Dysthymia, Avoidant/anxious personality disorder. > Situation recently (3 months ago) fell out with my P.doc – hes a > serious case of CDD (Clue Deficiency Disorder) has prejeudiced his > opinion against me, and in all but the last session had attempted to > persuade me to move on to another town and get off his overloaded > waiting lists. > I response I threw some dishes around the flat, went into apathy about > getting counselling and became also hostile to the counselling service > for stringing me along for 18 month plus without any sign of > counselling happening. (This is the UK National Health Service). A > propos I’ve been asking for help since 1996, and been sick nearly all > my life – had a nightmare childhood with an unrecognised sadistic > father. > Then a strange thing happened – the trauma de-intensified and I now > have difficulty feeling any emotions. I have also developed a > voracious appetite for military books and survivalist stuff. Am > conditioning myself to handle weapons and tolerate the idea of extreme > violence to others and self. > No longer on meds. Outwardly looking fine to people. Inwardly calm > but highly interested in death and killing which I’m hiding from > people because | actually want to leave an unobstructed opportunity to > kill if I should choose to do so. > While emotionally I feel fine, the longterm untreated PTSD had the > effect of melting down my worldview and actually reversing many of my > former strengths – used to be a Christian pacifist. > Ideas? > Peter
Response:
On 04 Jul 2001 06:25:10 GMT, balik…@aol.comzipspam (BaliKris) wrote: >Well Peter, I’ll take it on faith that you’re not a nut case waiting to walk >onto a schoolyard and pump some lead, okay?
You don’t need to take it on faith. Violence is not in my nature. I think that as the PTSD de-intensified the ideation on suicide increased. Curiously help has come from an unexpected quarter: www.lurking.demon.co.uk/avpdbook.htm It describes the condition known as Avoidant Personality Disorder with breathtaking accuracy – seemed to be a biography of me! In its text it also describes the group pressures and dynamics that had got me bullied, and in doing so gave assistance to me on how to cope. Also during the last 24 hours I’ve received external help where before the mental health system was trying to get me to wander off and get off their clientele. Am now to get a social worker and being put onto 3 courses that should help ability to resolve confucions and strengthen interpersonal skills. Thanks for your supportive reply Peter – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->It sounds to me like you gave up and just numbed yourself. Numbing yourself is >an easy way to go since you don’t hope for a damn thing. It also goes in hand >with a focus of survival and strength. You can be numb but put up a good wall >at the same time. Weapons and such are an easy way to do it (didn’t realize >you had such easy gun laws there like we do here.) Mastery of a weapon is a >good thing for some of us (myself included) but some think it sucks. To each >their own. Yet going overboard (as you yourself realize) is not going to help >you. Fixating on something like this is a way of blocking out the rage and >impotence you felt as an abused kid. I should know, my sperm donor was a sick >bastard himself and would have been Hitler’s buddy if he’d been born a little >sooner. >Don’t give up on the medical system. You know you have a problem and you are >responsible for you NOW. What happened was horribly unfair and painful, but >now you are the adult and you must make meringue with your egg whites without >cracking up, okay? >I’m glad you found us here and I hope you can find some support here if it is >taking forever in real life. >Kristine >The unexamined life is not worth living – Socrates
Response:
Well Peter, I’ll take it on faith that you’re not a nut case waiting to walk onto a schoolyard and pump some lead, okay? It sounds to me like you gave up and just numbed yourself. Numbing yourself is an easy way to go since you don’t hope for a damn thing. It also goes in hand with a focus of survival and strength. You can be numb but put up a good wall at the same time. Weapons and such are an easy way to do it (didn’t realize you had such easy gun laws there like we do here.) Mastery of a weapon is a good thing for some of us (myself included) but some think it sucks. To each their own. Yet going overboard (as you yourself realize) is not going to help you. Fixating on something like this is a way of blocking out the rage and impotence you felt as an abused kid. I should know, my sperm donor was a sick bastard himself and would have been Hitler’s buddy if he’d been born a little sooner. Don’t give up on the medical system. You know you have a problem and you are responsible for you NOW. What happened was horribly unfair and painful, but now you are the adult and you must make meringue with your egg whites without cracking up, okay? I’m glad you found us here and I hope you can find some support here if it is taking forever in real life. Kristine The unexamined life is not worth living – Socrates
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