Question:
It works! Really! I have been with this therapist now for over a year, and he is listening to me. I chose him because he seemed to understand some very basic things about me very quickly, he didn’t get caught up in the together, high-functioning self that I initially present to everyone. But we have struggled with boundaries and limits. He has insisted that I should pay full fee even though my insurance have covered nothing for many months, and we both agree that I need more than 1 hour a week. He has refused the extended therapy sessions that I know I need, he at first would not read the letters I sent him because it was "outside the session", he has at times treated me like a "naughty borderline," telling me he would terminate the therapy if I refuse to be hospitalized when he thinks it necessary (and it hasn’t been yet– told ya, nanny-nanny-boo-boo). But there have been promising moments– he owns and apologizes for his mistakes, he is reading my letters, he has experimented with double sessions. Things have been getting much more intense lately, alters coming out every which way, and I have been telling him that what we are doing is not enough, that I need more in order to contain all of this and still function. I have really struggled with whether or not I needed to change to a therapist that would be covered under my insurance and would be more flexible about some of these issues. Some instinct (and the unbearableness of changing therapists yet again) has kept me in it. And he’s listening. Today, he told me that I am right about the need for extended sessions *and* he will negotiate a reduced fee with me so that I can afford the extra time. He told me that I have taught him about the nature of the work that needs to be done. He *believes* me when I tell him that I can’t handle things the way they are, that I need more from him. He is beginning to understand the excruciating vulnerability and isolation of the little ones, and is not pushing the adult part of me to take care of them myself. It is so validating to be listened to, given control and input in this process, and, most of all, to have the needs I feel so sharply be treated as important and legitimate. And he’s still never taken in by my high-functioning adult who sweeps the others out of her way like dust. But, of course, I still have to have a gripe– why does it take so long to train these therp ppl anyhow? 
Michele — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
Response:
I’m replying to Viktoria’s (of the Chiquitita system) post bc my newsreader doesn’t have Michele’s. Otherwise, I’d reply to both separately. It is so validating to be listened to, given control and input in this process, and, most of all, to have the needs I feel so sharply be treated as important and legitimate. And he’s still never taken in by my high-functioning adult who sweeps the others out of her way like dust.
Well said! I agree completely (except I don’t have alters, so that part doesn’t apply to me, but I do think it’s important for ppl who do). I’m glad that you have a good therp. Imo, that’s critical. Otherwise, I think therapy is usually harmful (and otherwise it’s ineffective). That’s what I really like about my therp. He’s incredibly respectful of me. He listens (most of the time and tries hard to hear what I’m saying. It can be frustrating when he can’t hear me, but the fact that he is so respectful and tries hard to understand and follow me is probably much more important to me than that he understand a particular point. Not that his understanding me isn’t important – it is – it’s just that he usually understands at least most of what I’m saying. And when he misunderstands we can talk about it (again and again, if necessary) without either of us blaming the other person for the misunderstanding. He’s not defensive at all when I tell him that I don’t like something he’s done or that it’s caused a problem for me. He wants to know what he can change in order to avoid the problem or help me solve it. I like that bc then we don’t get into a game of finger-pointing about who’s done what or whose fault something is. (My old therp did that a lot even though I kept telling him that I didn’t think it was useful to attribute blame and that I preferred to just figure out how to fix things.) My current therp and I just try to figure out what’s going on and why and how we can change things. I always felt like my old therp was clueless about what was going on with me. It was clear that he hadn’t read even the basic literature on DDs, even though that was the dx he’d given me. It was also clear that he wasn’t getting supervision, even though he needed it badly imo. It was clear that he wanted to apply what he’d learned in med school to me without even trying to figure out if those methods worked for me or not. Then he’d get very defensive and out of control. (He did things like calling ppl without my permission or getting upset and overreacting to the things that I told him, even after I told him that when he did that, I just figured that since he was feeling my feelings so strongly, I didn’t need to feel them at all but needed to be even more calm, detached, and objective so that I could help him deal with those feelings more appropriately. I told him a few times that I didn’t think that was helpful for either of us, but he never seemed to listen to me.) He’d get so overwhelmed that he’d forget basic things like maintaining boundaries, even though I repeatedly reminded him that he needed to do that. (I think that probably overwhelmed him even more by making him feel more insecure.) I don’t think my therapy with him was good for either of us. Unfortunately, I don’t think he ever figured that out. ): Michele: But, of course, I still have to have a gripe– why does it take so long to train these therp ppl anyhow?
Well in my old therp’s case, I attribute it to his arrogance and insecurity. He claimed to be willing to learn about DDs, but even though I continued therapy with him for many months after that (bc I hoped that he would learn) it was clear that he hadn’t done much (if anything) to learn about them. He didn’t know basic info like who Catherine Fine was. (It came up in a discussion we had when he recommended cognitive restructuring – I think he’s just attended a weekend seminar on PTSD – and I asked him if he was familiar with the literature on using cognitive restructuring with dissoids. He said no and asked me who wrote about it. I only remembered Fine, although I said that I was pretty sure there were others. I was glad that he’d asked me, but later it was clear that he hadn’t tracked down or read any material on this. I thought: "Thanks. And you think I’m going to let you use this technique with me when you haven’t even bothered to read such basic material? I probably know more about it than you do and I wouldn’t try to use it on anyone. What arrogance and delusions of omnipotence and omniscience. Get a therp (for yourself) and get supervision. Now." I just told him that I didn’t think it would be a good idea to use that technique until he was more familiar with its application to dissoids. I think he thought I was extremely resistant, since of course my reluctance to do what he wanted couldn’t have been sensible, given his incredible skill and wisdom.) He didn’t know the difference between chronic childhood onset PTSD and acute adult onset PTSD. He didn’t even know what I was talking about when I told him that I’d been experiencing intrusive PTSD symptoms. (He didn’t tell me until later when he was upset that I hadn’t previously told him about frequently experiencing increased blood pressure and pulse rate due to what I assumed was anxiety. When I reminded him that I’d said a few times in the last few sessions that I’d been experiencing intrusive PTSD, he said "Oh yeah, you did. You use such highly technical language" like that meant that I hadn’t told him. Why didn’t he ask me what I meant if he didn’t understand me? I think he was too insecure and didn’t want me to know that he didn’t know something. I still can’t figure out why he didn’t just look it up after my session if he was too insecure to ask me.) I still can’t figure out why he thought he could help me without getting more training. I really do think he was insecure, arrogant and delusional. I think it relates to the training therps receive. I think that many of them are taught that they can work with anyone. I don’t think that’s true at all. I think that therps need to specialize in order to be effective. But most of them don’t seem to think so. I know that some therps do realize that often they can’t work with DDs without additional training. I think that they do get more training, but I wonder how hard it is to get good training. I live in a major metropolitan area and it wasn’t easy for me to find a therp with a lot of experience in treating DDs. The few that were available were pretty busy, so I don’t know if they’d be available to supervise another therp or not. Also, they tended to use rather unusual models, so I don’t know if they’d be able to train someone with a general clinical psych or psychiatric or social work background or not. I also think that many ppl with DDs don’t really fit the DID/DDNOS model very well. I don’t think that I do. My therp, who’s one of the most experienced, highly recommend (by the DD therps I interviewed) therps in my area, still can’t figure out my dx and I’ve been seeing him for over 13 months. I shudder to think about how less experienced, skilled therps would work with me. Despite my feeling threatened by my therp’s superior knowledge and expertise, I’m really glad that I don’t have to train him (except occasionally, like when I wrote my long letter to him about the journal and meds . I’m glad that yours is trainable (I assume from Invisibled’s (?) reply – sorry if I got the name wrong). we’re just beginning the third (or fifth?) honeymoon with our therapist… after having tried another one and thought: "Oh dear, I had completely forgotten what normal therapists are like…"
It is a shock, isn’t it? It’s amazing how clueless many of them are. Frustrating, too. Viktoria: We suddenly realized the level of understanding we’ve reached with her. And maybe also how "unusual" she treats us. Most of the times exactly the way we need her to be.
I’m glad that things are working out with your therp. Yay! Whew! (: It really is easier to continue a relationship than start over again, as long as both ppl are committed to working things out (including getting training and supervision when helpful on the therp’s side, trying to be as honest and open as possible on the client’s side, and following through with agreements and behaving ethically on both sides). Viktoria: And now, after having taken the enormous tension out of our relationship, she’s able to open up again. It’s clear, in our relationship, that we walk the road and she follows. We don’t suppose her to know more than we do, and she knows that we don’t suppose this from her. It’s also a nice feeling that we have control. We could never do this journey differently.
I really like the way you said this. Viktoria: But it’s crucial that she has to understand what’s up with us. And when we shyly asked: "It’s all different with us, it became clear… will you still keep track with us?" she smiled warmly and asked for a book recommendation to understand better. We got tears in our eyes. She said: "That’s the way I got familiar with the fact that something like DID exists." She listened to a client and believed her. We had the feeling that our "old" therapist was finally back. And somehow admitted (not directly, though) that she got us wrong in a very existential point.
Good job to the whole Chiquitita system! I’m glad that things are starting to work again with your therp. (: I’m going through something similar with my therp bc after yesterday’s session, I think I figured out part of his misunderstanding about the way things work with me. I was using the DID model as a metaphor and even though I tried to explain some critical differences with me, I don’t think that my therp understood. I think that when I told him that I don’t feel things; that if I had feelings, they weren’t mine; and that I just get feelings from … read more »
Response:
It is so validating to be listened to, given control and input in this process, and, most of all, to have the needs I feel so sharply be treated as important and legitimate. And he’s still never taken in by my high-functioning adult who sweeps the others out of her way like dust. But, of course, I still have to have a gripe– why does it take so long to train these therp ppl anyhow? Michele
Hi Michele and all, we’re just beginning the third (or fifth?) honeymoon with our therapist… after having tried another one and thought: "Oh dear, I had completely forgotten what normal therapists are like…" We suddenly realized the level of understanding we’ve reached with her. And maybe also how "unusual" she treats us. Most of the times exactly the way we need her to be. And now, after having taken the enormous tension out of our relationship, she’s able to open up again. It’s clear, in our relationship, that we walk the road and she follows. We don’t suppose her to know more than we do, and she knows that we don’t suppose this from her. It’s also a nice feeling that we have control. We could never do this journey differently. But it’s crucial that she has to understand what’s up with us. And when we shyly asked: "It’s all different with us, it became clear… will you still keep track with us?" she smiled warmly and asked for a book recommendation to understand better. We got tears in our eyes. She said: "That’s the way I got familiar with the fact that something like DID exists." She listened to a client and believed her. We had the feeling that our "old" therapist was finally back. And somehow admitted (not directly, though) that she got us wrong in a very existential point. Sigh. I sensed it, 4 years ago, that it would make sense to train this woman 
And I’d like to encourage all of you to keep training your therapist, as long as there’s a shimmer of hope left that they might understand. And, according to our experience, when things get stuck or aggressive in the relationship, it’s a good idea to take the tension out, like e.g. concentrating on someone else for a while. Or checking another therapist to get aware what you’ve already reached with yours and to be able to value her again. Viktoria — Have to believe we are magic nothing can stand in our way (Olivia Newton-John, Magic) — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
Response:
why does it take so long to train these therp ppl anyhow? Michele, Sounds like you’ve done a great job training your t And…..at least he is trainable!!!!!! I am not so sure all t’s are…..I have been working on "training" my t, too, albeit with limited success…..They seem to have such big egos!!!!! My t is an MD and I think some MD’s think the degree initials stand for Medical Deity…..Seriously, though, he has come to understand some of what I need and complain about but it is sooooo hard and takes sooooo long and in the meantime it makes me feel so hurt and misunderstood and even, when the issue is big enough, re-victimized….I too don’t change because there are so many positives and because after all this time it would be excruciatingly difficult but I wonder if this problem is ubiquitous?
Yeah, I think it might be for ppl with DD, because one of the cardinal feature of DD is the protective disconnection from others, from the external world. So it seems pretty natural to me that the process of re-connecting raises the issues of trust, feeling understood, feeling responded to. And I think that this disconnection does lead us to develop highly individualized, sometimes pretty unconventional, ways of interpreting things. I have read so many complaints about t’s…..In my experience, when I first started therapy he sometimes gave me extra sessions (or double) and let me sit on the floor, etc….but doesn’t do that anymore – the sitting on the floor cuz he doesn’t want me to "regress". The other I think (but haven’t confirmed with him) is because when I started he was relatively new to private practice and since then has built his practice to where he doesn’t have the time and he learned that he can’t push himself the way he did in the beginning (he did admit to that when I noted that he was no longer working the long hours 7 days/week).
It sounds like your therapist is still learning some of the basics about taking care of himself, and constructing boundaries that work for him. Sorry if you’ve been a little bit of a guinea pig. I picked my current therp because he seems to have evolved boundaries in his practice that work for him and that are based on a good bit of experience. However, he has tended to err on the side of rigidity. Anyway, I found your post heartening – nice to read about someone able to go for their needs and meet with success. My t and I have discussed this kind of thing and he pointed something out that I think is true……the process of clearing up misunderstandings and confronting needs not met and confronting mistakes of both parties can all be therapeutic themselves.
Yup. And my therp and I have our struggles. He has a number of angry letters from me and other alters in his file to document this. I expect he’ll have more to add to the collection before we finish. Sorry for ramblin’ ….. your message just struck a note with me.
No apologies needed. Good luck with your own therapy. Michele — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
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