Question:
Hey group, I’m new to the list so thought I’d say Hi I’ve been arount PTSD a lot and am always interested in learning new things and sharing what I know – so – "Hi" see ya, Susan
Response:
Hi Susan, nice to meet you. hope we can share what you know. Stephanie – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -"Susan A. Leys" wrote: > Hey group, > I’m new to the list so thought I’d say Hi > I’ve been arount PTSD a lot and am always interested in learning new things > and sharing what I know – so – "Hi" > see ya, > Susan
Response:
Hi Kat, I’m not sure that I can provide anyone with a good advice how to ease the problems, so I’ll just express my support to you trough confirmation of almost all symptoms that you’re experiencing, which I’m facing too. Especially the one with agoraphobia which is one of the main obstacles for every day functioning and generator of fears. What can I say, I’m in a same position, only thing that seams that could be helpful to anyone with PTSD according to my opinion would be change of scenery, new town and someone who would be willing to help you to get better step by step. Therefore I believe that the bridges with the troubling past should be burned, maybe I’m wrong ..who knows? One famous writer said once: "the thieves have stolen our future, so we’ll have to live from the past – at least those who have one…" That is the essence of PTSD, the wrong was done in the past, and therefore there’s no prospective for the future, but no one knows how no annihilate demons from the past and not to harm pleasant memories which make us what we are… And concerning sense that there is no future…now after many months of thinking about this, I came to an "answer" to this problem. This sense isn’t untrue, no, it is just that people with PTSD are aware of hopelessness of the future while "normal" people have some kind of protective mechanism which helps them to get pinky and rosy sense of future. This mechanism is basically something that tells us sweet lies in order to make us go forward no matter what. We with PTSD…, we just won’t go forward because "no one" promises anything better than it is or that it used to be… So, we’re not wrong, we’re just 100% realistic and that is what’s "wrong". "Normal" people are somewhere between 0 and 75% realistic.
Response:
Hi Kat! Firstly, welcome! I’m sorry that you seem to qualify for this ng. :/ Secondly, you posted a whole lot of stuff that is normal for those of us with PTSD. I believe that I have had every one of those symptoms, for varying lengths of time, and am coming out the other side, I think and hope. Did you have a specific question? or only a need to vent? 
In either case, I am glad that you are here. Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy
Response:
>I woke up one morning not knowing who I was or what >year it was. In my head I’d remade the last few years. It took a few weeks >to >come back into the correct date, and to remember major events.
I’ve never experienced anything like that. It sounds major. >I dream of being clean and productive and reliable
But this part certainly hit home. I cried when I read this. I so admire a routine and tidiness and yet can’t even get anywhere near it. Now that I don’t work, like you say, you’d think I’d have all the time in the world. The closest I get is I usually manage to wake up in time to watch a tv show that comes on at noon weekdays. And I try to have food before that. But my room is a mess and I don’t bathe regularly or anything. It’s really hard for me to go anywhere I haven’t been before. I get extremely upset about getting lost or interacting with strangers — and now I’m supposed to be finding a new place to live! Just a whole series of new strange places to find and strangers to interact with. Can I just have one giant anxiety attack now and get it over with? So, it’s not generalized anxiety disorder or agoraphobia exactly, but it’s enough to get in the way of life. So, what I mean to say, is "hi". And, I kinda know what you’re talking about even if my diagnoses and experiences aren’t exactly yours. The pain and death choices, the isolation and fear, the hospitalizations (or as I call it, "my twenties"), difficulties asking for help, too much stimulation, feeling like –no, knowing there is no future for you, optimistically counting your friends on two fingers, feeling overwhelmed, wishing others understand, feeling the pain of the ebb of other people receding from you when you are unstable, acting angrier than you want to act and inadvertantly hurting others… those are the things that resonate with me. Cecile
Response:
Hi again, I just answered your first post, but I see you’re really in a panicky fix here!!! Please, please… try not to panic. I see some hope. First you mention this: >My lease is up in April
This means you have time. You say it would help you to be nearer your daughter. You believe she would visit you if you were closer. That sounds realistic. If you’re US there are Housing Authorities in every community. They can work with you to get you subsidized housing — they have people who will help. Unfortunately you said you are on "GAU" I don’t recognize that and maybe that means you’re not in the US? If you’re in the US we can keep talking about the programs set up by HUD. In the state where I live there are many centers for the disabled and they told me of places that loan money for security deposits, too. The centers are abbreviated CRIL. I don’t know if they are in other states. >I used to have one friend but I yelled at >her yesterday and she hasn’t called back.
One day is a short amount of time for people to process upseting arguments. It doesn’t mean she has written you off. Trust your instinct that she’s a good friend. Maybe she just needs a break after this fight. It’s hard to get yelled at. <religious spoiler for this paragraph > >Good God I’m scared and alone.
If you believe in God then there is your faith. That too is a huge struggle when you feel hopeless and long for death, I know. I’ve been told that God is closest to us when we feel the most alone. It helps me to reflect on the dignity with which Jesus bore the overwhelming weight of his cross. How he struggled and stumbled, how he accepted assistance, but he carried his cross standing as tall as possible. I try use that as a role model when I feel that I am struggling and suffering and sometimes it works to feel a little less alone. >So, I guess this qualifies as a vent?
A pure vent is like a scream that can just go unanswered. "Is this a vent?" means "Do you want to talk here without anyone answering?" Your post sounds like a vent and more! because you sound suicidal and you mention many specific things — it sounds like you’re in problem solving mode, too. You said it’s a vent, but it sound like you’re also asking for some assistance.. Feel free to ignore, take with grains of salt, etc. Any you sum it up best… >There has to be a way!
Cecile
Response:
Hi Kat! > I am so lost!!! > I have no faith and very little energy. I am flailing!
IME truly ‘giving up’ is the first stage of recovering. I had to find out, as a life lesson, that I am not in charge around here, my Higher Power will take care of my needs if I will just ‘get out of the way of progress’. Letting go is very difficult, although it seems like an easy concept. :/ > I live in a rural area, so there’s too much of > a commute to get to anything.
What a wonderful place to live, surrounded by God’s gifts! I had to spend a lot of money to create my little piece of rural life right here in the middle of Yuppyville. ———–snip—————- > I still want to live. There has > to be a way! if there isn’t a way out, what is there left but death?
See above. > Good God I’m scared and alone.
Aren’t we all? Awareness sucks! YMMV Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy
Response:
Hey Kat, slow down a bit! Cecile is 100% right. Your last message did sound very suicidal. Just compare your situation with mine and you’ll realize that there are people in much worse situations. For example I don’t have any incomes, I depend on my family’s care. I also cant go out to buy things or to communicate with friends. I’m not from the U.S. and where I live I don’t get any therapy, social security welfare. If I’d found my self alone, that would be extremely dangerous because my inability to work, move and communicate would leave to inevitable. You folks from the U.S. and else where in civilized world, you can at least provide enough food and other necessities from social security or unemployment office… So please consider those suicidal thoughts only as a thoughts, because I know I went trough that phase before I became completely aware that this is PTSD and not something else. Try to work on your self when you can. Just slow down, sit and try to analyze things and try not to repeat everyday routine that was proved to be hopeless. Try to change at least little everyday thing. And concerning you friends reaction, well from the attitude of your friend and family in these troubling times you’ll find out who is truly your friend and who was keeping you company for other reasons. And be sure, many people claim how they have tens of friends, because they can’t see the difference between friendship and acquaintance. Ultimately, it is better to have contact with someone on this post, than to believe that your friends are people who are avoiding you now when you’re in problems. Still, try to explain you friend what’s wrong, for non-PTSD people can’t see what is going on inside your head because to them you look good from "outside". All the best, P.S. Please don’t get the impression that you’re the only one feeling lost, while I was writing this I had to stop and lie in the bed for half an hour and than I went back on the PC and finished this. There are times when I’m so "lost" that I can’t even look at the TV screen, not to mention writing posts or mails.
Response:
>geez, I need a break now.
Sorry for the confusion, but I posted my last stuff under a different screen name. I am also jecesa… more oops. I took forever to write the message and then didn’t notice I was reading the newsgroup in a different screen name until after i clicked "send". But it’s really the same me. Cecile
Response:
> Curious- do you ever wiggle, curl up your toes, or hold your breath, to keep > yourself at the monitor? Sometimes when I am at the computer my cat wants to > get on my lap, and often that is way too much contact for me. Instead, she sits > where she isn’t really supposed to sit, but can still keep an eye on me. I > wonder if she knows it bothers me when she looks at me? She usually just curls > up facing me, and even that can be irritating. Much weirdness!
Do I wriggle, curl my toes, hold my breath…- CERTAINLY, sometimes I find my self thinking; "why on earth are you not breathing"…it is all the part of PTSD coming from attempt to reduce personal exposure when bad mood rules. Do you ever fell O.K. and than get a hit of anxiety just because you’ve seen a message in your inbox?.. or do you feel the need to stand up and move away from the computer instantly, to find your self sitting just one meter further on a different chair just several minutes after a "hit" and than go back "computing" because you’ve realized there’s no true danger over there? …There are millions of symptoms… Concerning your cat related experiences, I can say that I’m convinced that animals can feel our problems. My friend has a dog that adores me and always teases me to play, still since I’ve started having severe PTSD symptoms she (female dog) seams to be observing me in wonder, because she notices that I’m changed, from the look in my eyes to everything else including the tone of my voice.. > I am so very glad that you have someone to live with. I am completely alone. > My family would not take me in. I wish you and I could give each other what > seems like the best of both worlds. You could get some therapy and disability > payments, and I could have someone to stay with. Some human company would be > absolutely and totally priceless to me. SOmetimes I go a week without seeing > another person, weeks without seeing anyone but my therapist. You probably feel > like having a little of your own money would be totally freeing, and I wish I > could email you some of that freedom.
You’re right, about money-company ratio, still the fact that I’m living in the same house with someone doesn’t helps because except that I’m provided with necessities, there is no companionship and spending time with them because they just can’t recognize my mood and thoughts (I’m never aggressive but always depressive) and they keep doing things and leading conversation like nothing is wrong, which makes me very sad after so many attempts to explain my feelings to them… … As I was checking my news, I saw that you’ve been very active when it comes to writing – well done… It is a vent, and it amasses me how did you managed to write so much in such a short time…good hours? Finally, an advice, don’t get bad if you don’t find new messages or replies to your posts on this group because it comes and goes in waves… Considering that English is not my first language, what does a "LOL" stands for?
Response:
Hi Kat! > When I go outside I worry that > drivers of cars won’t see me because I am not real, and then they’ll > run over me and kill me without even knowing it.
I never worried about this one at all. I was just waiting … One of the most interesting times in recovery for me was when I noticed that other drivers were waiting for my car to pass before they made a left turn across my path. Every once in a while, I am still amazed that the drivers notice my car is actually here, in front of them. ??? And, then there was the recurring hallucination about being in the path of an 18 wheeler on I-80 going through the mountains of Western PA … I could see it so clearly, and I couldn’t move a muscle to get out of the way. Sorry! Today is an anniversary for me, and I have been working on doing good things for myself, but memories do come creeping back. :/ YMMV Go Browns! Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy
Response:
Many thanks for short course of Internet slang I’m glad that you’re feeling better after discovery of this group. Realization that there are many other people with identical life problems trough reading posts in this group helped me a lot too. This stands especially for those weird symptoms which you cant find in list of "normal" PTSD symptoms. Wish I could help you more… From all the things that I’ve tried and that can’t be harmful I can only suggest you to try relaxing with listening to some dear and long forgotten music. This helped me a lot. I was making a list of songs from the ’80s for several years and finally made an DVD with some 500 mp3 songs that remind me of lovable ‘80 and that wonderful pre-traumatic period. Trick in relaxing with music is in listening it using headphones, because strong outside sounds just want let you ease as much as you can. Perhaps you could try something like that? Search for true and beautiful emotions and stuff related to them…? Collecting triggers for positive emotions and thoughts…and once when their number exceeds those jumpy ones perhaps things will really became better? Did we just become overwhelmed with bad triggers and lost good ones? This sounds like a good theory… BTW (I know some slang too: ), do you have problems with then darkness? I’m completely lost in the dark. If I have to go trough a dark space I need to plan everything, from where’s the knob on the door and what obstacles I might find… Anything similar? This fear including others seams to be telling me: "you’ll get stuck in this" (darkness, coldness, loud noise…). This is when I’m overreacting like someone has kept me in that situation for months. I believe that these situations trigger fears that paralyzes you and than you get the wrong impression that those actually benign situations or places are something you should beware about. That stream-rocks example, explains PTSD thoughts 100% in just few words. I think that consideration of those earlier mentioned benign situations as important gives us the wrong prospective of the future. Our brain started jumping into conclusions and making bad judgments, just like a computer with damaged BIOS that cant run Windows properly. Should we be teaching again our brain about things he has learned him self wrong? Enough with these "technicalities"… For the closing, Ill just say that it made me fell very pleasant to find that my thoughts have helped you just a bit or made you laugh. It works both ways… If you ever need to share an opinion or a shoulder to cry, please feel free to send post or email. That is much better than to hold your emotions inside. All the best, HAL 9000 mur…@neobee.net
Response:
>Thanks for this thought.
I guess this is how group therapy is supposed to work. I could never handle real group therapy myself though. Too overwhelming.(there’s that word again) We could have a big group therapy session here, if we knew who was observing. Would need a moderator to make it official. I guess this is peer counseling then. A very long time ago I was in usenet group for Myers Briggs personality type of mine, INFJ and there was a thread with the word "party" in the title. It looked too scary, so I didn’t read it. But that thread got bigger and bigger. At least 2 weeks later I finally looked just to see what was so popular and it was about how super introverts would manage to have a party… one person to a room, all the lights off, maaaaaybe calling somebody on the phone. Suggestions like that. I laughed when I finally read it. So this thread is like peer counseling and a hug the only way I could handle it! From a looong distance. I’m just stunned I make a difference. I try to contribute to a much more lighthearted usenet group and feel like I’m on filter over there. Here it’s a different world. Hang in there Kat. Cecile
Response:
Hi All Part of this is for Kat and Cecile but perhaps others will find it useful. Kat…I think of PTSD as learning how to cope with the feeling of being overwhelmed on a day to day basis. For me that feeling is more important than what is actually causing me to feel that way. That isn’t to say I don’t deal with the makeup of what goes on any particular day because I do. My point is I keep reassuring myself I can deal with being overwhelmed which is at least a big positive out of all the negatives I am dealing with. You didn’t mention anything about medication and I know you’re on a small budget. If there is one PTSD symptom that can be somewhat helped by medication it is anxiety. Many of those meds are generic and as such are not budget busters. Some drug companies will give these generic drugs to you for free if you contact them and explain your financial situation and have a prescription. Cecile…PTSD researchers have found that certain areas of the brain involving the brain chemistry can be "rewired" because of trauma. For example we have an abundance of natural opiods that cause the feeling of being numbed out. It’s believed other chemicals are involved in what it takes to trigger flashbacks. As unpleasant as these symptoms are they are the difference between us being highly neurotic as opposed to being hopelessly psychotic. Small consolation I know but I just want to add that we are the only sane ones out there. We get into such a high state of self awareness we can see everything that is wrong with people and this upside down world we live in. Derek
Response:
"derek" <oaklandl…@webtv.net> wrote in message
news:11303-3FD5A428-426@storefull-2315.public.lawson.webtv.net… > We get into such a high state of self awareness we can see everything
that is wrong with people and > this upside down world we live in.
So I was right when I said that we’re actually the only people who are 100% realistic, right? I’ve noticed that some of my observations concerning outcome of certain events has proved to be much more exact compared to predictions of people without PTSD. Funny, but this is an ability unavailable to "normal" people. Unfortunately, the price for this is a way to high and anyone with it would unquestionably swiftly throw it away without a thought…
Response:
Hi Kat & All Just by way of background I’m a Vietnam Veteran with severe PTSD, agoraphobia, panic attacks, heart disease, a rare facial pain disorder and chronic upper and lower back pain. Outside of that they tell me I’m as healthy as a horse….lol. Kat…when you say perspective I think of high expectations of people and the way things should be but aren’t. That has led me to nothing but trouble along the way. It still is a trap I fall into and I constantly have to remind myself I have to change how I think since I can’t change people or how the world really is. As far as people go I am a big believer in setting limits with them as to how far I will go with anyone in my life. That depends on who they are to me and my trust level with each. Procrastination is one of my favorite hobbies so maybe I’m the last person who should say anything about you getting a bed and going in. I think it is a must to have some kind of support network on the outside. If going in will lead to an aide visiting you and a med review it would be a good thing. To me moving forward is always better than getting stuck in place. Good luck in whatever you decide. Derek
Response:
Hi Derek! Welcome home! Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy
Response:
Hi Nancy Thanks, and let’s just hope our country’s warriors always hear those words in the future. Have a great day. Derek
Response:
"Kat" <unr…@nonoemail.com> wrote in message
news:g9cdtv4cqsgfejs3sskdps2i2e0jurs0so@4ax.com… > On Tue, 9 Dec 2003 18:00:50 +0100, "HAL 9000" <mur…@neobee.net> wrote: > I disagree. My awareness is heightened, but my sense of perspective is unreal. > I’ve been thinking that good boundaries might help. I’ll need to grow into > them, because my sense of perspective is unreal.
Hi Kat, I’m not an expert but just a victim… Also I believe that you’ve misinterpreted my comments regarding sense for reality. First of all, situation that you’re currently under reminds me very much about my own from several months ago. What I’m trying to say is that back than, in that state, I didn’t have same explanations and observations as I do now. I was living for months in 24hrs anxiety and ocean of hard bearing symptoms, I’ve existed only as a organism without any personality. My self-analysis whose results I’m presenting on this group, are something coming from a sort of release and conscious conclusions. I guess and hope that your present state can and will be eased and calmed near future. When I said reality I didn’t think about our inner state that is filled with confusing symptoms and misinterpretations of us in the surrounding. So when I said 100% realistic, I had in mind our general prospective towards world that we live in and the future of the world in general. Just think consider scientific prognoses that in 2000.000yrs the sun will fade out… There’s a huge difference about what we would like the life to be and what it is. Our problem is in the fact that we’re the minority that desires peace, pleasantness, humanity…while we live in the world of intolerant, rude and primitive majority. That is something we can’t just let be, and we’re fighting this everyday of our lives. Unprovoked evil and harm that came upon us in the past and resulted in PTSD, represents the moment when out emotions exploded because we were not treated as humans. As you’ve said, you experienced a rape, I lived for 72 days under heaviest bombardment known in history (among other things).. We’ve done nothing to provoke this, still we have became the victims and because there is no logical connection between these two (cause-consequence) we suffer in attempt to overcome that… For example, I believe that parachutist, professional soldiers, divers, race car drivers and other people who are involved in very risky activities, are actually not 100% aware of how their life fragile and precious is, because they are driven and "blinded" by various emotions. We don’t have illusions about true life conditions, human relations regardless on the fact that this is hard to bare when you’re here and now – with no option but to live in this world. The real thing would be to put a side general hopelessness, and focus only on improving personal life. Hope we’ve cleared this one out… …Kat, you’ve mentioned how having a bath made you feel better. I face the same problem my self. I love laying in the tub and taking a showers, but since PTSD started hitting me, I’m also very frightened and in a way I avoid taking a bath and I usually do it once a week, especially now in winter when it is hard for me stand and shower. Taking a bath is also one of the situations that scares me and creates a feeling that I’ll get stuck in there… You’ve sounded good the other day when you were planning to decorate house and now I sense that you’re going trough a change of moods. Just don’t fall under bad mood and don’t give up. I know that it is a everyday and every minute struggle and as such very hard to bare. I don’t want to sound unoriginal, so instead of "virtual hugs" I’m just sending you my best wishes. P.S. Until your last email I was also confused with "bath problem", and realizing that you’re experiencing same stuff helped me a lot. Live and learn!
If you like this post and would like to receive updates from this blog, please subscribe our feed.