Question:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Nancy Irwin wrote: > Hi tiny & Bro Vet! > > > Yep, I was up so I turned it on. Wish I wouldn’t have, death and dying > > > are triggers for me. Does anyone else find themselves drawn to things > > > they know will be upsetting when they’re in the throes of depression? > > All the time! I think I’m "searching" for something by > > watching/reading/listening to things. I have my special depressing > movies, > > music that’s sure to shove me right into the pits of despair. I don’t > know > > if it’s so much masochistic, it feels more like this horrible hunger > inside > > me that "needs" to be fed. I don’t mean that in a positive way, it’s more > I > > would guess like an addict needing a fix or something. I know it will be > > bad for me but somehow I "need it" anyway. > Actually, this is one of the main reasons that we need therapists. With > long-term habits of dealing with our symptoms in ‘bad’ ways, we are > accustomed to depression.
On my kick concerning bias, is it so ‘bad?’ One thing depression and anxiety do is to force us to take care of ourselves. I’d prefer to see this as a means to seeking balance — how do I focus on caring for myself, and finding space to help those I would like to be helping? Depression and anxiety gave Nancy back to her passion for nature, and living things.
Response:
I’ve always been pro-death penalty but this case has given me pause. Hearing that McVeigh was glad to die rather than sit in prison for years makes me think that sitting in prison for years would be the best punishment! but he would have TV, could write, sell his story, etc. etc. In the end it comes down to evil in our society. He has no place in our society and am glad that he is dead. He MURDERED, but we KILLED. I guess that’s where I see the difference. Murderous intent is indeed evil. Maybe it was coincidence, I don’t know, but yesterday when I woke up from a night of interrrupted heavy dreaming I was depressed. Watched a bit of the coverage and didn’t fee a thing. Numb really…which is a useful tool sometimes huh? This morning I woke from a restful night w/no dream memories. I believe its because of the work I did over the phone with my Metaphor therapy therapist. The relief is palpable. Kristine The unexamined life is not worth living – Socrates
Response:
Hi Ron! > > Actually, this is one of the main reasons that we need therapists. With > > long-term habits of dealing with our symptoms in ‘bad’ ways, we are > > accustomed to depression. > On my kick concerning bias, is it so ‘bad?’ > One thing depression and anxiety do is to force us to take care of > ourselves. I’d prefer to see this as a means to seeking balance — how > do I focus on caring for myself, and finding space to help those I would > like to be helping? > Depression and anxiety gave Nancy back to her passion for nature, and > living things.
Well, as usual we come from different ends of the universe. :/ You can replace the word ‘bad’ with ‘irrational’, ‘disabling’, ‘counterproductive’, ‘unskilled’, ‘terrifying’, ’suicidal’, ‘compulsive’ or a hundred other words, but depression and anxiety did not give me anything but PTSD symptoms. If I had been born 30 years earlier, I would now be in a padded cell, drugged up to my eyelids in valium et al and left there until I died. What gave me back the will to live was someone showing me where my conditioning and experiences had taught me distorted thinking, then someone with meds to let me find some time-space to change my thinking, and then someone to show me how to find (acceptable to me) alternative points of view about myself in the world around me. Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy
Response:
Hi Risa! > >…and started watching the sewing show, then > >Simply Quilts, then Carol Duval. > Carol is my favorite. I love the polymer clay segments. I wish I got cable so I > could watch her all the time.
You know, I didn’t get cable until I was over 55. I only got it because my teenager ‘needed’ it. I’ve ended up with little need to go to movies and sports events because of it. So, I guess that you could say I converted my planned entertainment expenses into my basic cable bill. :/ OTOH, I’ve never moved up to HBO and the like, so I guess that I’m a cheap date for myself. 
Smile and there will be xomething to smile about! Nancy
Response:
>You know, I didn’t get cable until I was over 55.
You’re over 55? OMG. LOL I figured you for mid 40’s. >I guess that you could say I converted my >planned entertainment expenses into my basic cable bill.
I don’t have planned entertainment expenses. I’m not a big movie watcher. Short attention span doncha know? Risa __o o__ o__ o__ _ <,_ _.>/ _ _.>/ _ _.>/ _ (_)/ (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_)
Response:
Nancy wrote: >For me, depression was ‘normal’. Every time I >pulled myself ‘up’, my body decided that >’something was wrong’. My (unknown) solution >was to add chaos and depressing input so my >body would feel ‘normal’ again. >Changing my need for depression and anxiety >is a full-time job, for a lot of years in my case. It >started with the simple concept of ‘being aware >of myself’. >I replaced it with a need for other things, like >light, peace, quiet and butterflies.
Hi Risa and Ron. Thanks Nancy, I needed to read this, I’ve always suspected the choices which made me unhappy were the result of depressed thinking, and since it was ‘normal’ for me to feel bad it was easier to sabotage my best interests in order to maintain my ‘normal’ state. Learning new ways of thinking is my goal in this recovery process, looks like it’s gonna be one of those ‘practice makes progress’ thingys. BroVet (ps – tiny, I found out today that I’m gonna get some therapy here before I go into the VA treatment program. I’ll ask my therapist about something for my sleeplessness, I’ve tried benadryl in the past but it didn’t work very well for me, thanks for the suggestion though.)
Response:
Hi Risa! > >You know, I didn’t get cable until I was over 55. > You’re over 55? OMG. LOL I figured you for mid 40’s.
Actually, I had my son late in life to keep me younger longer. Apparently it works. > >I guess that you could say I converted my > >planned entertainment expenses into my basic cable bill. > I don’t have planned entertainment expenses. I’m not a big movie watcher. Short > attention span doncha know?
Really … no go out with friends and get some java? No entertainment expenses planned? I think that planning for so-called ‘normal’ distractions is part of working on balance. OTOH, what do I know?? BTW, are those grocery carts below your sig? baby strollers? guess I’m not too good at intuiting ASCII art. :/ Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy
Response:
>Really … no go out with friends and get some java? No entertainment >expenses planned?
Nope. I don’t drink coffee (or alcohol), don’t watch movies much. Window shopping is still free…LOL >BTW, are those grocery carts below your sig? baby strollers? guess I’m not >too good at intuiting ASCII art. :/
Bicycles…one running against the crowd of course. Risa __o o__ o__ o__ _ <,_ _.>/ _ _.>/ _ _.>/ _ (_)/ (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_)
Response:
Hi Risa! > Bicycles…one running against the crowd of course. > __o o__ o__ o__ > _ <,_ _.>/ _ _.>/ _ _.>/ _ > (_)/ (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_)
To me, it looks more like one finding her own path and waiting (patiently?) for the crowd to catch on. Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy
Response:
> (ps – tiny, I found out today that I’m gonna get some therapy here > before I go into the VA treatment program. I’ll ask my therapist about > something for my sleeplessness, I’ve tried benadryl in the past but it > didn’t work very well for me, thanks for the suggestion though.)
Bro Vet, The reason I mentioned the benadryl is because I guess some people can’t take the tranquilizers for various reasons. I wasn’t sure of your situation so I thought I’d throw that in there, but when I take it, it’s along with my xanax if I’m really having a hard time. I find that the two together will work for me. And I figured that was better than having to rely on two xanax’s for those occasions. There are some herbal preparations, but I find my anxiety level is so high that they don’t work for me. When I was in the hospital recently for surgery, my doctor commented afterwards that it took "enough meds to knock out a horse" to put me under, and my psy/doc explained how "our" stress levels and super arrousal state caused that. They kept me pretty well sedated most of the time I was there with no after effects. Once I got back into the safety of my home again all switched back to normal, or what’s normal for me anyway. Best wishes, tiny dancer – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text –
Response:
Hi Nancy and Rick! Rick wrote: > In the "Karate Kid", a scene where Daniel is > first introduced to Bonsai. Mr Miagi tells him to close his eyes and > see a tree. He tells him to open his eyes and see the picture of the > tree, now…make tree like picture. Daniel starts and then stops and > says, what if it’s the wrong picture. Mr. Miagi says, if come from > inside YOU, always right tree. Wow, even now, that knocks me out.
And Nancy, you wrote something recently on how hard it was when your therapist left last year, about the hall being dark afterwards. I can’t find the original post or thread, but I remember you saying about us all having to create the magic in or for ourselves. Both of your posts got to me – hit the part of me that has a hard time seeing the light in me. Anyway, along those lines, I came across this from a Zen Buddhism site that I thought you both might like to read: The Master had been on his deathbed in a coma for weeks. One day he suddenly opened his eyes to find his favorite disciple there. "You never leave my bedside, do you?" he said softly. "No, Master. I cannot." "Why?" "Because you are the light of my life.” The Master sighed. "Have I so dazzled you, my son, that you still refuse to see the light in you?"
Response:
Hi Hannah! > Anyway, along those lines, I came across this from a Zen Buddhism site that > I thought you both might like to read:
You are correct; my therapist said the same thing in a different way. Thank you for posting this. It is always good to remember a difficult lesson in 2 or more ways. Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> The Master had been on his deathbed in a coma for weeks. One day he suddenly > opened his eyes to find his > favorite disciple there. > "You never leave my bedside, do you?" he said softly. > "No, Master. I cannot." > "Why?" > "Because you are the light of my life.” > The Master sighed. "Have I so dazzled you, my son, that you still refuse to > see the light in you?"
Response:
Good one Hannah. Helski
Response:
((((((((Tiny)))))))) Sorry you’re feeling so badly Tiny. I hope it eases up soon. I know where you are, it’s a bad place to be. Hang in there. It WILL get better soon! kat "tiny dancer" <tinydancer…@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:iHaV6.25119$ru2.7921086@typhoon.southeast.rr.com… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Is anybody else having as much trouble with their depression as I am today? > I just find this whole execution stuff to have flung me into the depths of > depression. I’ll admit, I didn’t have far to go to get there, but what I > mean is it’s just put me over the edge. > tiny dancer
Response:
Hi tiny dancer! > All the time! I think I’m "searching" for something by > watching/reading/listening to things. I have my special depressing movies, > music that’s sure to shove me right into the pits of despair. I don’t know > if it’s so much masochistic, it feels more like this horrible hunger inside > me that "needs" to be fed. I don’t mean that in a positive way, it’s more I > would guess like an addict needing a fix or something. I know it will be > bad for me but somehow I "need it" anyway.
I’m drawn to stuff like this, too. I’ve always thought it’s because it gives me a way to grieve the horrible things that happened to me in a more indirect way…eg, feel the feelings associated with my traumas, without having to look my own experience directly in the face – that’s still too hard for me to do. …….? Hannah
Response:
> I’m drawn to stuff like this, too. I’ve always thought it’s because it gives > me a way to grieve the horrible things that happened to me in a more > indirect way…eg, feel the feelings associated with my traumas, without > having to look my own experience directly in the face – that’s still too > hard for me to do. > …….? > Hannah
Hi Hannah, Your reasoning makes much more sense. And I think too, sometimes, like with movies, I’m trying to find similar situations that maybe I can identify with and prove to myself that I’m not alone, these things really do happen, and maybe also see/understand how other people have managed to get through? tiny dancer – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text –
Response:
. > Masochism, or comfort? > I think it is a bit reassuring to know that there is some authority when > someone does something hurtful to others that some justice may come of > the situation. News, CourtTV, the execution seem to share that quality. > It provides hope that the world is a safe place to be after all.
I think that’s what got to me about this particular execution, I didn’t necessarily feel that the world was a safer place afterwards. I just felt more hopeless/sad/empty. It was different from somebody like say a Ted Bundy. Somebody who rampantly, systematically tortured and mutilated young women over a period of many years. What McVeigh did was horribly wrong, but by executing him I don’t feel a bit safer from terrorism, if anything I feel a little more vulnerable. I guess what I’m trying to say is with serial murderers, ones who like to take and torture their victims up close and personal, I feel more a sense of punishment. For some reason with this execution I just get more of a sense of vengeance maybe? tiny dancer
Response:
> Yep, I was up so I turned it on. Wish I wouldn’t have, death and dying > are triggers for me. Does anyone else find themselves drawn to things > they know will be upsetting when they’re in the throes of depression?
All the time! I think I’m "searching" for something by watching/reading/listening to things. I have my special depressing movies, music that’s sure to shove me right into the pits of despair. I don’t know if it’s so much masochistic, it feels more like this horrible hunger inside me that "needs" to be fed. I don’t mean that in a positive way, it’s more I would guess like an addict needing a fix or something. I know it will be bad for me but somehow I "need it" anyway. tiny dancer – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> It’s like a masochistic urge to increase one’s personal problems, isn’t > it? Knowing how upsetting it will be I have no idea why I do this sort > of thing, but I do and probably have for a long time. > (tiny – thanks for the tip about xanax, I actually got tired enough to > sleep tonight, and did so too for a few hours, but then I got > interrupted and haven’t been able to go back to bed yet.) > BroVet
Response:
Hi tiny & Bro Vet! > > Yep, I was up so I turned it on. Wish I wouldn’t have, death and dying > > are triggers for me. Does anyone else find themselves drawn to things > > they know will be upsetting when they’re in the throes of depression? > All the time! I think I’m "searching" for something by > watching/reading/listening to things. I have my special depressing movies, > music that’s sure to shove me right into the pits of despair. I don’t know > if it’s so much masochistic, it feels more like this horrible hunger inside > me that "needs" to be fed. I don’t mean that in a positive way, it’s more I > would guess like an addict needing a fix or something. I know it will be > bad for me but somehow I "need it" anyway.
Actually, this is one of the main reasons that we need therapists. With long-term habits of dealing with our symptoms in ‘bad’ ways, we are accustomed to depression. For me, depression was ‘normal’. Every time I pulled myself ‘up’, my body decided that ’something was wrong’. My (unknown) solution was to add chaos and depressing input so my body would feel ‘normal’ again. Changing my need for depression and anxiety is a full-time job, for a lot of years in my case. It started with the simple concept of ‘being aware of myself’. I replaced it with a need for other things, like light, peace, quiet and butterflies. YMMV Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy
Response:
Hey Nancy! >…and started watching the sewing show, then >Simply Quilts, then Carol Duval.
Carol is my favorite. I love the polymer clay segments. I wish I got cable so I could watch her all the time. Risa __o o__ o__ o__ _ <,_ _.>/ _ _.>/ _ _.>/ _ (_)/ (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_) (_)
Response:
Bro Vet wrote: > tiny wrote: > >Is anybody else having as much trouble with > >their depression as I am today? I just find this > >whole execution stuff to have flung me into the > >depths of depression. > Yep, I was up so I turned it on. Wish I wouldn’t have, death and dying > are triggers for me. Does anyone else find themselves drawn to things > they know will be upsetting when they’re in the throes of depression? > It’s like a masochistic urge to increase one’s personal problems, isn’t > it? Knowing how upsetting it will be I have no idea why I do this sort > of thing, but I do and probably have for a long time.
Masochism, or comfort? I think it is a bit reassuring to know that there is some authority when someone does something hurtful to others that some justice may come of the situation. News, CourtTV, the execution seem to share that quality. It provides hope that the world is a safe place to be after all.
Response:
Hi tiny! > Is anybody else having as much trouble with their depression as I am today? > I just find this whole execution stuff to have flung me into the depths of > depression. I’ll admit, I didn’t have far to go to get there, but what I > mean is it’s just put me over the edge.
There’s a good reason that I don’t watch or read the news much. As soon as they started, I turned off GMA and started watching the sewing show, then Simply Quilts, then Carol Duval. There’s a bunch of stuff on the news that I just don’t really need to know about: McVey, Sen. Bob Kerry, Madonna and every arsonist and murderer locally. Smile and there will be something to smile about! Nancy
Response:
tiny wrote: >Is anybody else having as much trouble with >their depression as I am today? I just find this >whole execution stuff to have flung me into the >depths of depression.
Yep, I was up so I turned it on. Wish I wouldn’t have, death and dying are triggers for me. Does anyone else find themselves drawn to things they know will be upsetting when they’re in the throes of depression? It’s like a masochistic urge to increase one’s personal problems, isn’t it? Knowing how upsetting it will be I have no idea why I do this sort of thing, but I do and probably have for a long time. (tiny – thanks for the tip about xanax, I actually got tired enough to sleep tonight, and did so too for a few hours, but then I got interrupted and haven’t been able to go back to bed yet.) BroVet
Response:
Bro Vet, Sometimes I use benedryl to sleep too, it’s the p.m. ingredient that’s in tylenol p.m. or bayer p.m.. You can actually take the tylenol p.m. or just get plain benedryl over the counter. And as for the dreams, I find alot of what’s troubling me will surface in my dreams/nightmares. If you want to remember what you’ve dreamed you should write it down. It’s a good idea to keep a pen and paper near by because any movements whatsoever usually causes me to forget the dreams. What I mean is I need to keep a notebook right beside my bed, something I can just reach for and grab without hardly having to move. There are times I do this in the middle of the night and when I read what I’ve written the next day I have no memory of it. But alot of times when my therapist and I discuss it in therapy it’s so on target symbolically with my fears/triggers/past experiences. It might help you. Best wishes, tiny dancer "Bro Vet" <HermanoVetr…@webtv.net> wrote in message
news:15029-3B25FA43-214@storefull-297.iap.bryant.webtv.net… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> tiny wrote: > >Is anybody else having as much trouble with > >their depression as I am today? I just find this > >whole execution stuff to have flung me into the > >depths of depression. > Yep, I was up so I turned it on. Wish I wouldn’t have, death and dying > are triggers for me. Does anyone else find themselves drawn to things > they know will be upsetting when they’re in the throes of depression? > It’s like a masochistic urge to increase one’s personal problems, isn’t > it? Knowing how upsetting it will be I have no idea why I do this sort > of thing, but I do and probably have for a long time. > (tiny – thanks for the tip about xanax, I actually got tired enough to > sleep tonight, and did so too for a few hours, but then I got > interrupted and haven’t been able to go back to bed yet.) > BroVet
Response:
Is anybody else having as much trouble with their depression as I am today? I just find this whole execution stuff to have flung me into the depths of depression. I’ll admit, I didn’t have far to go to get there, but what I mean is it’s just put me over the edge. tiny dancer
If you like this post and would like to receive updates from this blog, please subscribe our feed.