Question:
morceaux wrote in message >"Hey Chick, the bad shit is flushed, and you look pretty clean."
WOW Morc That was really fine stuff..don’t go away!!! James "Your imagination is your preview of life’s coming attractions" – Albert Einstein
Response:
WOW I would like to respond in more depth, I really think you and I need to have a conversation. Something that starts with either :" Are you one of my younger sisters?" (I’m serious, are you? Because I am not using an "alias"), or "your father and my father must be related". The only thing you left out was the satanic rituals. (And, the fact that I have amnesia and you don’t.) And, I’m really serious. I’m NOT being sarcastic at all. I have to run off to work right now. And, I need the time, anyway, to integrate all of what you wrote. Really, let’s talk. Your choice. On this NG, or private email. Let me know. I’ll be home in about 5-6 hours. Hopefully, your response will be waiting for me. Gay Marie – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -morceaux wrote: > Hoy People, > *************************************************** > The > Following > Post > Could > Be > Extremely > Triggering > To > Some > Survivors > ************************************************** > Okay, what about when I’m not believed? Really? > Someone says they don’t believe that I’ve been traumatized and > that I’m a whiner, and that I should ‘get over it’ and ‘pull > myself up by my bootstraps’ and ‘look to today, not yesterday’ > and ‘that was then but this is now’ and besides, I’m prolly > lying anyhow to get attention. > Suppose I decided to list the things that have been done to me > in defense of an attack like that? Suppose I say that my father > was a sociopathic sadistic pedophile, that he molested at least > 8 children that I know of, and not all those children were his, > that he was actually convicted once of child abuse, that in our > home, he claimed he was god, that we considered ourselves lucky > if the punishment he meted out over some perceived disrespectful > look was simply a close-fisted blow to the side of the head? > Suppose I went into a little detail and talked about how he hung > me up by the feet when I was three and used my vulva and buttocks > to put out cigarettes, and jacked off into my face because it got > him so hot to hear me scream? Suppose I talked about the time > that he forced me to kneel in a patch of blackberry bushes, buck > naked, while he raped my mouth, with the stickers from the bushes > digging into my knees and my butt, and I was terrified that one > of the neighborhood kids would come wandering through the woods > and see us there and if that happened, I might have to see him > do something just as bad or worse to them? Suppose I talked > about being locked in a dark closet, hog-tied, for up to 2 days > at a time, and how I’d be so grateful when I got to fell asleep > because then I wouldn’t notice so much how badly my shoulders > ached from having my wrists tied to my ankles, and how frightened > I was that one of the bugs crawling over my face might be a black > widow spider and that I’d die there. What it I talked about > learning not to make any noise when I was being tortured or > terrorized or battered because making noise was an invitation for > more, but sometimes I just couldn’t help it, sometimes it hurt so > much that I couldn’t be quiet, and then it always got worse. > Suppose I said that when I see a movie where someone passes out > from pain, part of me is furious because I know from personal > experience that no matter how much you might want to pass out > from pain, there just ain’t no sucha thang. You feel it, it > keeps happening, and you don’t get to pass out, you don’t get a > break until your torturer gets bored. > Suppose I told you that years later, many years later, afer I > had been in therapy for a very long time, and thought I might > be getting better, I made the mistake of being alone with a man > that I didn’t know well, and he made a pass at me, and when I > told him in no uncertain tones that I wasn’t interested in having > sex with him, he answered by punching me without warning, and > then beating the living shit out of me and raping me and leaving > me down in the dirt with my blood in my mought his cum in my hair? > Suppose I told you that the way I survived all that was by being > other people when I was very young, and now that coping mechinism > is called DID, and the only reason today that I can say all this > at once in one voice is because I’ve been in therapy for over 15 > years, and in the last three years, I’ve finally begun to > integrate? And then, to top all that off, suppose I added that > integration has led to worse ptsd symptoms, that today, as I’m > fast approaching my ‘twilight years’ I can’t hear the phone ring > without jumping out of my skin, that I often wake up screaming > and clawing at the air, that I can’t look down from any height, > not so much as 3 feet, without getting so dizzy with terror > that I can *feel* myself falling to my death, that going to the > grocery store and having to choose between brands of soup is > often enough to put me into tears, that when I hear a man’s > deep voice bark a single word, any word, but if it’s just a > single word, I can feel the world close in on me and I’m once > again locked in a small closet with my body bruised and bleeding > and bound? That today I do my best interactions online because > it takes so much energy and so much courage for me to go outside > of my apartment and be with more than one or two people at a > time that most days, I’m just not willing to work that hard. > Makes me a whiner doesn’t it? > And worse…it might make someone who thinks they’ve suffered > less than I feel that they don’t have the right to complain. > And frankly that would bother me even more. If someone was > ‘only’ physically abused by their parent, or if someone was > ‘only’ sexually abused, or if a Vet felt that ‘Hey, I did > volunteer and at least I was an adult so my shit wasn’t as > bad and I shouldn’t whine’ or a parent who’d lost a child felt, > ‘at least I got some time with my child, and I was an adult > when I lost him, so I shouldn’t complain’ then sharing all that > shit has done no good, has in fact done evil, because your shit > ain’t worse than my shit and my shit ain’t worse than your shit, > it was ALL shit and it messed us up EQUALLY and we have an EQUAL > need to share with each other! > And besides, all that stuff isn’t the point for me today. The > point for me today is when the phone rings and I leap out of my > skin, but now I don’t reach over in terror and turn the ringer > off and stare at it as if I’m afraid that it’ll come alive. Now > I can take a deep breath, and sometimes laugh at myself, and I > can pick up the phone and have a conversation. The point today > is I might be nigh unto tears over choosing cans of soup, but > I’m likely to say, "Get a grip, Morc! You stupid wench! To > hell with the soup, lets buy some chili!" and laugh at myself > and buy chili, and mayhap after I’ve picked the spiciest chili > on the shelf, I can grab a couple cans of soup without freaking. > The point is, when my son pulls his shit and sneaks up on me > and jabs his fingers in my ribs, I don’t have to whip around > and hit him, or collapse in a cowering heap on the floor, I can > scream at him that he is being inexcusably rude, that > deliberately frightening people is not funny, and that I want > him to get far away from me right now because I AM REALLY MAD. > That stuff is the point. That stuff is miraculous. > And the point is, if someone doesn’t believe me today, I can be > glad that the world you live in doesn’t include people like my > father and my rapist…and that you don’t have to go through > that shit, and I can keep on doing what I gotta do so that I > can, sooner than later, be a whole, integrated human being who > can function in daily life, and look in the mirror and think, > "Hey Chick, the bad shit is flushed, and you look pretty clean." > That’s my damn point. > Morceaux > — > My mind is a bad neighborhood. I try not to go there alone. > My email is really hotmail, not mailhot
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