Question:
There might be something to the comments I’ve gotten from people, therapists, and my SO over time that go: ‘it seems like the person you present to the external world is very different from the person you seem to be inside’. This has baffled me for a long time! But they might be right… In this case I’m referring to the idea that dissociation is a great way to cover up PTSD. I’ve known this intellectually for years. You’d think I’d understand this, right? Nope 
I’ve had people telling me this for years and I think, but there are all these symptoms of PTSD that I _have_ so I’m not covering them up with the dissociaton. Well, as I was doing my general contractor tasks today (you know, drive here, drive there, wait in this line, get completely confused by that person, drive back over there, etc.:) my mind was slowly going over some things that have been happening in my life lately and I was mulling over the surprise that there are _feelings_ attached to these events. I was feeling kind of pleased that therapy seems to be working when, suddenly out of nowhere, I realized, this is what people have meant all along!!!! I used to have events like this happen but I did them without feelings. Now I’m getting the feelings attached, and it’s like the lack of feelings was dissociation while the feelings are PTSD. (this actually makes even more sense when you realize that the reactions are classic PTSD stuff, like hiding under furniture and being afraid that perfectly reasonable people are suddenly going to become monsters, etc.) So, I was involved in situations before like having sudden changes in my therapist’s meeting time or place and I dealt with them in a fog. Now, I deal with them by feeling apprehensive and confused. The dissociation kept me from having to experience the feelings! I’m not getting worse, or crazy, or suckered into believing I’m ’sick’ all I’m doing is lessening the dissociaton so that the PTSD stuff that was hidden underneath can come out. THis is kind of exciting! Now I just have to figure out how to get the PTSD stuff to go away and I’ll be all set!!! *grin* I re-read this paragraph and realized this sounds kind of nuts to me, I’m actually _excited_ that I have clear, active PTSD symptoms! And I mention this to people in real and they look at me blankly and say ‘well, you’ve never liked it when things are changed in the office’ or whatever. Man! I’ve been _doing_ this all along but I didn’t _notice_! Wow!!!!!! Rainbow Colors (Jill, who really wishes it was going to be Tuesday tomorrow. All day I’ve been convinced today was Monday and I was going to get to tell my therapist all of this, and I’d periodically realize that ‘drat, it’s only Friday’:) — I choose to post non-anon because my abusers are afraid. They would have to admit something happened in order to confront me; this they will never do. They are the only people who will be upset if they know who I am, and they are too afraid to admit to what they did. Black of Rainbow Colors
Response:
Hi Rainbow Colors, This makes total sense to me. I have been very sad lately. Not just depressed. My friends tell me how awful they feel for me, can they help? ect. I going : no, this is good. I worked hard to let the saddness come up. I have a right to feel sad. Now If I can get everyone inside to tell me exactly what we’re sad about? I am glad that you are experiencing more feelings. Turtle – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – There might be something to the comments I’ve gotten from people, therapists, and my SO over time that go: ‘it seems like the person you present to the external world is very different from the person you seem to be inside’. This has baffled me for a long time! But they might be right… In this case I’m referring to the idea that dissociation is a great way to cover up PTSD. I’ve known this intellectually for years. You’d think I’d understand this, right? Nope I’ve had people telling me this for years and I think, but there are all these symptoms of PTSD that I _have_ so I’m not covering them up with the dissociaton. Well, as I was doing my general contractor tasks today (you know, drive here, drive there, wait in this line, get completely confused by that person, drive back over there, etc.:) my mind was slowly going over some things that have been happening in my life lately and I was mulling over the surprise that there are _feelings_ attached to these events. I was feeling kind of pleased that therapy seems to be working when, suddenly out of nowhere, I realized, this is what people have meant all along!!!! I used to have events like this happen but I did them without feelings. Now I’m getting the feelings attached, and it’s like the lack of feelings was dissociation while the feelings are PTSD. (this actually makes even more sense when you realize that the reactions are classic PTSD stuff, like hiding under furniture and being afraid that perfectly reasonable people are suddenly going to become monsters, etc.) So, I was involved in situations before like having sudden changes in my therapist’s meeting time or place and I dealt with them in a fog. Now, I deal with them by feeling apprehensive and confused. The dissociation kept me from having to experience the feelings! I’m not getting worse, or crazy, or suckered into believing I’m ’sick’ all I’m doing is lessening the dissociaton so that the PTSD stuff that was hidden underneath can come out. THis is kind of exciting! Now I just have to figure out how to get the PTSD stuff to go away and I’ll be all set!!! *grin* I re-read this paragraph and realized this sounds kind of nuts to me, I’m actually _excited_ that I have clear, active PTSD symptoms! And I mention this to people in real and they look at me blankly and say ‘well, you’ve never liked it when things are changed in the office’ or whatever. Man! I’ve been _doing_ this all along but I didn’t _notice_! Wow!!!!!! Rainbow Colors (Jill, who really wishes it was going to be Tuesday tomorrow. All day I’ve been convinced today was Monday and I was going to get to tell my therapist all of this, and I’d periodically realize that ‘drat, it’s only Friday’:) — I choose to post non-anon because my abusers are afraid. They would have to admit something happened in order to confront me; this they will never do. They are the only people who will be upset if they know who I am, and they are too afraid to admit to what they did. Black of Rainbow Colors
Response:
Hi Rainbow Colors, This makes total sense to me. I have been very sad lately. Not just depressed. My friends tell me how awful they feel for me, can they help? ect. I going : no, this is good. I worked hard to let the saddness come up. I have a right to feel sad. Now If I can get everyone inside to tell me exactly what we’re sad about? I am glad that you are experiencing more feelings. Turtle
Hi Turtle, Thank you for posting this. I’ve been ashamed to say I need to feel the sadness that I feel. I could turn it all off if I wanted to and never get anywhere in healing. For me, it takes just as much work to turn it off as it does to deal with the feelings. It’s so hard to feel though, especially when I can’t even identify what the feelings are. I’m not used to them. When they come, it’s like a wave that totally washes over me and engulfs me. I’m glad that you have friends that care about you and want to be there for you. C. Bear
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – …suddenly out of nowhere, I realized, this is what people have : meant all along!!!! I used to have events like this happen but I did : them without feelings. Now I’m getting the feelings attached, and it’s : like the lack of feelings was dissociation while the feelings are : PTSD. WOW!!! I had never heard this expressed this way, and it makes so much sense. I haven’t lived with the (almost) complete absence of feelings, as you seem to have, but my life has involved a lot of "turning off" feelings whenever they were too much to cope with. So in some sense, the basic problem is the over-intense reactions (from the PTSD) and dissociation is just the best coping method we’ve learned up til now to deal with it, and the challenge is learning how else to get through, over, and past the intense reactions without falling back onto dissociation. (Well, that sounds a bit drastic. Not more than necessary anyway. :-) )
This really strikes home with me. So simply and clearly put. Thanks. Trillium – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -: So, I was involved in situations before like : having sudden changes in my therapist’s meeting time or place and I : dealt with them in a fog. Now, I deal with them by feeling : apprehensive and confused. The dissociation kept me from having to : experience the feelings! : I’m not getting worse, or crazy, or suckered into believing I’m ’sick’ : all I’m doing is lessening the dissociaton so that the PTSD stuff that : was hidden underneath can come out. THis is kind of exciting! Thanks! This helps me too, with understanding why I can seem like I’m doing worse, but why it’s still reasonable to feel that I’m on the right track. – C — "Not that I’m complaining; there’s something entertaining about being called a Nazi, a Kike, an Anarchist, a Fucking Statist, a Free-Speech Activist, and a Censor all in the same week." – Rich Graves
– For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – …suddenly out of nowhere, I realized, this is what people have : meant all along!!!! I used to have events like this happen but I did : them without feelings. Now I’m getting the feelings attached, and it’s : like the lack of feelings was dissociation while the feelings are : PTSD. WOW!!! I had never heard this expressed this way, and it makes so much sense. I haven’t lived with the (almost) complete absence of feelings, as you seem to have, but my life has involved a lot of "turning off" feelings whenever they were too much to cope with. So in some sense, the basic problem is the over-intense reactions (from the PTSD) and dissociation is just the best coping method we’ve learned up til now to deal with it, and the challenge is learning how else to get through, over, and past the intense reactions without falling back onto dissociation. (Well, that sounds a bit drastic. Not more than necessary anyway. :-) ) This really strikes home with me. So simply and clearly put. Thanks. Trillium : So, I was involved in situations before like : having sudden changes in my therapist’s meeting time or place and I : dealt with them in a fog. Now, I deal with them by feeling : apprehensive and confused. The dissociation kept me from having to : experience the feelings! : I’m not getting worse, or crazy, or suckered into believing I’m ’sick’ : all I’m doing is lessening the dissociaton so that the PTSD stuff that : was hidden underneath can come out. THis is kind of exciting! Thanks! This helps me too, with understanding why I can seem like I’m doing worse, but why it’s still reasonable to feel that I’m on the right track. – C
Stupid therapist! I told him this and he agreed and said, ‘but what is it more specifically?’ Needless to say we had a very productive at his job!!!! @#$% my head hurts too!) — I choose to post non-anon because my abusers are afraid. They would have to admit something happened in order to confront me; this they will never do. They are the only people who will be upset if they know who I am, and they are too afraid to admit to what they did. Black of Rainbow Colors
Response:
too!)
see, you *do* know how to act like a brat 
there’s hope for you yet…. pink bunnies / ~ ) All conditions are temporary `o’_* — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – X-no-archive:yes There might be something to the comments I’ve gotten from people, therapists, and my SO over time that go: ‘it seems like the person you present to the external world is very different from the person you seem to be inside’. This has baffled me for a long time! But they might be right… In this case I’m referring to the idea that dissociation is a great way to cover up PTSD. I’ve only experienced PTSD for a couple of months now. But whenever I can, I use dissociation to escape. (That may be different than what you’re talking about though, bc I don’t consider my switch to dissociative mode as covering up PTSD; to me it ends the PTSD. It’s like I’ve got this light switch that lets me choose between PTSD or dissociation.) The problem is, I’m either overwhelmed (by PTSD) or totally disconnected (via major dissociation). Can you just dissociate a little? Or "do" PTSD for a really short time and alternate it with dissociation? I’m really new to this, so I’d appreciate any suggestions for coping with it. I used to think that the dissociation and the PTSD stuff were on or off, like you describe. But what I’ve been finding is that even when _I’m_ unaware of it, my body is still reacting to stuff. For example, I used to be afraid of the dark but _I_ didn’t know it. My body appearantly was reacting but I wasn’t aware. Recently I became aware of it and commented to my SO. He said ‘you’ve always done that’. So I was reacting but unaware before. Now I’m reacting and being aware.
This is how I was too – I was dissociating from alot of the PSTD stuff and really unaware of it although others could see it. I am only just learning how to more aware of it and not "pretend" that I’m okay. (Pretend doesn’t really mean pretend here it is what I used to do as a child to get through – I don’t mean to imply what is happening for anyone isn’t real) Also, it is possible for me to go between the two. Like I can dissociate just a bit or go back and forth between feeling the panic and then *click* turning it off. This has been one of my main therapy goals for four years My therapist (and other people) have talked to me alot about working toward a middle ground. I used to do the all or nothing stuff, and they talked about how it could be some of each (I thought they were nuts!) But I am gradually figuring out how to do _some_ of one and _some_ of the other at the same time. How did I do it? Just get your therapist to talk about it endlessly and have people here point out when you are doing it. THis is annoying enough to make you start to pay attention, if for no other reason than to shut them up:)
Good for you! I started to finally do it because as I got abit more aware it just became too ‘embarrassing’ but it took me 2 years to get to that point! Now I am really struggling with it though as sometimes it seems like all i do is pstd and it seems like everything sets it off. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I always had feelings, but they were outside my body. (Well, some feelings, like joy and my love for my daughter, were in my body. Those feelings felt safe to me, so I could let them be central – as I call things that I experience as occurring within my body.) If I did notice unwanted feelings near my body, I thanked them for giving me whatever information they were providing and immediately sent them away. I wasn’t a very gracious hostess. <g I also had feelings in that I could sometimes tell that my pulse rate had increased and/or my blood pressure had increased, so obviously my autonomic nervous system was reacting to something (or, one could say, had feelings). Then, if I wanted to, I could intellectually determine what an appropriate feeling might be for the situation. If I didn’t want to, I’d just ignore my ANS. But that was definitely not the same as PTSD (or even normal sadness, fear, etc.).
This is how I used to get along too – I would work out how I thought i was "supposed" to feel and do that – mostly now i work on knowing its okay to feel "bad" things eg: be angry or something and try to help the part that is feeling those things but has been sort of "submerged" forever. This seems to have helped as people lately have been telling me that I seem alot more relaxed or something. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I’ve known this intellectually for years. You’d think I’d understand this, right? Nope I’ve had people telling me this for years and I think, but there are all these symptoms of PTSD that I _have_ so I’m not covering them up with the dissociaton. That makes sense to me, Jill. When you weren’t in the throes of PTSD, you used dissociation. But I think you may have been using dissociation to avoid dealing with normal feelings as well. (Just a guess.) Yeah, bulls eye on that guess! Well, as I was doing my general contractor tasks today (you know, drive here, drive there, wait in this line, get completely confused by that person, drive back over there, etc.:) my mind was slowly going over some things that have been happening in my life lately and I was mulling over the surprise that there are _feelings_ attached to these events. I was feeling kind of pleased that therapy seems to be working when, suddenly out of nowhere, I realized, this is what people have meant all along!!!! I used to have events like this happen but I did them without feelings. Now I’m getting the feelings attached, and it’s like the lack of feelings was dissociation while the feelings are PTSD. It’s my turn to go "Duh!" I think that I’m misunderstanding you here. It sounds to me like the feelings you were getting while doing your general contracting tasks weren’t PTSD, but were "normal" feelings. The kind I’m working to have. I think that’s quite an accomplishment! But I agree that your lack of feelings (either PTSD or normal feelings) was the result of dissociation. I’m glad that you’re feeling more connected to your life now. So I’ve been told they are normal They don’t feel like it to me!:)
I’m with you there! (this actually makes even more sense when you realize that the reactions are classic PTSD stuff, like hiding under furniture and being afraid that perfectly reasonable people are suddenly going to become monsters, etc.) So, I was involved in situations before like having sudden changes in my therapist’s meeting time or place and I dealt with them in a fog. Now, I deal with them by feeling apprehensive and confused. The dissociation kept me from having to experience the feelings!
Me too!and in fact I find I’m having to ask my therapist what to do with them! (its like my first day on a new planet sometimes) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Yep, that’s why I love it.<g Seriously, I think that dissociation is a good way to keep safe and to "dose" the intense, overwhelming feelings that PTSD brings. It sounds like you’ve figured out a middle ground between overwhelming, disabling PTSD and dissociation. (Apprehension and confusion sound much better than PTSD!) I bet it feels bad emotionally to have those feelings of apprehension and confusion, but it must be very satisfying to know that you’ve managed to cross your emotional abyss without crashing into PTSD or falling into the void of dissociation. That’s great! Mental image here of smashing headfirst into a solid rock wall then losing balance and falling backward off a cliff. Oh, it’s going to be one of *those* days I see ‘the void of dissociation’ should always be said with an echo effect:) It’s also interesting that you keep equating feeling and PTSD. I don’t think I do. I see it as sort of the opposite of dissociation. Feelings seem to be somewhere in the middle. I say this because the stuff that happens to me that is considered PTSD stuff is really really physical and seems to be _past_ feelings or something.
yeah I’m not very clear on this either sometimes it seems hard to separate out the past feelings (often I sort of have to do it in 2 steps -first what’s bugging me now then whats under that from the past (ie: why the pstd and all the feelings, that I never used to have about what happened to me and what to so with them now that I’ve got them) and then back to the current thing. I guess that was more than 2 steps:) Another thing that kinda helped with this was that my therp told me I didn’t have to look too closely at the pstd stuff if I didn’t want to so now i sometimes feel like "oh yeah its that again" and come right back to now (but this only works if its something I really have processed from the past – if its not I will stay in pstd until I’ve worked it out and sometimes thats a real problem for me still and like ypu I find myself getting pretty annoyed abou it too – but that’s probably a good sign – ie: that we’re even knowing we’re annoyed!) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Like, total panic seems to be much bigger than just a feeling. Not being able to go outside after dark seems to be a reaction. There isn’t necessarily a feeling attached to it, it is just an impossibility to do (like walking in mid air). I have no doubt that feelings can go with this stuff too, but then they can go with dissociation too, fo me. Like I can be seriously totally dissociated and really really annoyed that I am. (well, unless I’m completely gone, then I don’t notice so I don’t care) I’m not getting worse, or crazy, or suckered into believing I’m ’sick’ all I’m doing is lessening the dissociaton so that the PTSD stuff that was hidden underneath can come out. THis is kind of exciting!
… read more »
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – X-no-archive:yes There might be something to the comments I’ve gotten from people, therapists, and my SO over time that go: ‘it seems like the person you present to the external world is very different from the person you seem to be inside’. This has baffled me for a long time! But they might be right… In this case I’m referring to the idea that dissociation is a great way to cover up PTSD.
I’ve been getting peeks at this problem for a while now. The other way I’ve been seeing it is that what they are seeing and what I am experiencing inside are VERY different. Usually all the panic and fear and craziness iss till happening (inside), sometimes in a big way but not near the surface… and then I feel even more crazy because it is so big and real for me I wonder why people aren’t reacting to it and only recently have I understood that it is because they don’t see it; only some (insider) does. That was how dissociation has kept me alive. Ironically realizing that I feel it..having more contact with the internal experienceand feelings of insiders, almost makes me feel worse. I am not so clear about when I am experiencing it (inside) and when it is happening for others to notice. Having a few folks (friends, therapists) that I can talk to about this has helped me see that there is a difference between the (inside) and outside. WoodRiver said: yeah I’m not very clear on this either sometimes it seems hard to
separate out the past feelings (often I sort of have to do it in 2 steps -first what’s bugging me now then whats under that from the past (ie: why the pstd and all the feelings, that I never used to have about what happened to me and what to so with them now that I’ve got them) and then back to the current thing. I guess that was more than 2 steps:) << When I read this I thought I did the opposite but thinking more about it I realize I do both. I start with: What is bothering me? And if I get the Current problem but I can still feel something preventing me from concentrating on it, then I know it is Old stuff. It is hard to sort them, and I am getting better at recognizing and requesting that they be put on hold (Useful and positive use of dissociation, as my therp wud say!) until I can find a time and place safe enough to deal with them. Sometimes I can’t get to the Now problem, not even see what it *is* til I’ve figured out the Old one; that is very difficult both for me and whoever the outside person might be. Rainbow Colors (Jill, who really wishes it was going to be Tuesday tomorrow. All day I’ve been convinced today was Monday and I was going to get to tell my therapist all of this, and I’d periodically realize that ‘drat, it’s only Friday’:) <<
Just a comment.. I do this all the time! I am especially grateful for this group cuz if I didnt post once in a while I’d never remember what I was waiting to tell the therapist! (me) for Alice
Response:
<snippage I’ve been getting peeks at this problem for a while now. The other way I’ve been seeing it is that what they are seeing and what I am experiencing inside are VERY different. Usually all the panic and fear and craziness iss till happening (inside), sometimes in a big way but not near the surface… and then I feel even more crazy because it is so big and real for me I wonder why people aren’t reacting to it and only recently have I understood that it is because they don’t see it; only some (insider) does. That was how dissociation has kept me alive. Ironically realizing that I feel it..having more contact with the internal experienceand feelings of insiders, almost makes me feel worse. I am not so clear about when I am experiencing it (inside) and when it is happening for others to notice. Having a few folks (friends, therapists) that I can talk to about this has helped me see that there is a difference between the (inside) and outside.
For me I found out there was a big difference inside and outside. On the outside I was very standoffish and "cool" while on the inside I was panicked and afraid of everything and everyone. it took me a long time to be able to detect when I was putting up a shell and repulsing ppl that way and like you say at first it felt worse because this shell worked not only to keep people out but also to keep what I thought was "bad" me in. When I read this I thought I did the opposite but thinking more about it I realize I do both. I start with: What is bothering me? And if I get the Current problem but I can still feel something preventing me from concentrating on it, then I know it is Old stuff. It is hard to sort them, and I am getting better at recognizing and requesting that they be put on hold (Useful and positive use of dissociation, as my therp wud say!) until I can find a time and place safe enough to deal with them. Sometimes I can’t get to the Now problem, not even see what it *is* til I’ve figured out the Old one; that is very difficult both for me and whoever the outside person might be.
This goes for me too because sometimes the Now problem only exists because of the Old one =)! and when they hang on and won’t "go away" I know I still have old stuff to work on there. As Jill wrote In this case I’m referring to the idea that dissociation is a great way to cover up PTSD.
I only recently realized that that is what I was doing – numb to the panic inside (& thus the shell) Just a comment.. I do this all the time! I am especially grateful for this group cuz if I didnt post once in a while I’d never remember what I was waiting to tell the therapist!
I like this group because although its not great that we feel this way I am glad to learn that I am not the only one. woodriver — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – X-no-archive:yes There might be something to the comments I’ve gotten from people, therapists, and my SO over time that go: ‘it seems like the person you present to the external world is very different from the person you seem to be inside’. This has baffled me for a long time! But they might be right… In this case I’m referring to the idea that dissociation is a great way to cover up PTSD. I’ve only experienced PTSD for a couple of months now. But whenever I can, I use dissociation to escape. (That may be different than what you’re talking about though, bc I don’t consider my switch to dissociative mode as covering up PTSD; to me it ends the PTSD. It’s like I’ve got this light switch that lets me choose between PTSD or dissociation.) The problem is, I’m either overwhelmed (by PTSD) or totally disconnected (via major dissociation). Can you just dissociate a little? Or "do" PTSD for a really short time and alternate it with dissociation? I’m really new to this, so I’d appreciate any suggestions for coping with it.
I used to think that the dissociation and the PTSD stuff were on or off, like you describe. But what I’ve been finding is that even when _I’m_ unaware of it, my body is still reacting to stuff. For example, I used to be afraid of the dark but _I_ didn’t know it. My body appearantly was reacting but I wasn’t aware. Recently I became aware of it and commented to my SO. He said ‘you’ve always done that’. So I was reacting but unaware before. Now I’m reacting and being aware. Also, it is possible for me to go between the two. Like I can dissociate just a bit or go back and forth between feeling the panic and then *click* turning it off. This has been one of my main therapy goals for four years My therapist (and other people) have talked to me alot about working toward a middle ground. I used to do the all or nothing stuff, and they talked about how it could be some of each (I thought they were nuts!) But I am gradually figuring out how to do _some_ of one and _some_ of the other at the same time. How did I do it? Just get your therapist to talk about it endlessly and have people here point out when you are doing it. THis is annoying enough to make you start to pay attention, if for no other reason than to shut them up:) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I always had feelings, but they were outside my body. (Well, some feelings, like joy and my love for my daughter, were in my body. Those feelings felt safe to me, so I could let them be central – as I call things that I experience as occurring within my body.) If I did notice unwanted feelings near my body, I thanked them for giving me whatever information they were providing and immediately sent them away. I wasn’t a very gracious hostess. <g I also had feelings in that I could sometimes tell that my pulse rate had increased and/or my blood pressure had increased, so obviously my autonomic nervous system was reacting to something (or, one could say, had feelings). Then, if I wanted to, I could intellectually determine what an appropriate feeling might be for the situation. If I didn’t want to, I’d just ignore my ANS. But that was definitely not the same as PTSD (or even normal sadness, fear, etc.). I’ve known this intellectually for years. You’d think I’d understand this, right? Nope I’ve had people telling me this for years and I think, but there are all these symptoms of PTSD that I _have_ so I’m not covering them up with the dissociaton. That makes sense to me, Jill. When you weren’t in the throes of PTSD, you used dissociation. But I think you may have been using dissociation to avoid dealing with normal feelings as well. (Just a guess.)
Yeah, bulls eye on that guess! – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Well, as I was doing my general contractor tasks today (you know, drive here, drive there, wait in this line, get completely confused by that person, drive back over there, etc.:) my mind was slowly going over some things that have been happening in my life lately and I was mulling over the surprise that there are _feelings_ attached to these events. I was feeling kind of pleased that therapy seems to be working when, suddenly out of nowhere, I realized, this is what people have meant all along!!!! I used to have events like this happen but I did them without feelings. Now I’m getting the feelings attached, and it’s like the lack of feelings was dissociation while the feelings are PTSD. It’s my turn to go "Duh!" I think that I’m misunderstanding you here. It sounds to me like the feelings you were getting while doing your general contracting tasks weren’t PTSD, but were "normal" feelings. The kind I’m working to have. I think that’s quite an accomplishment! But I agree that your lack of feelings (either PTSD or normal feelings) was the result of dissociation. I’m glad that you’re feeling more connected to your life now.
So I’ve been told they are normal They don’t feel like it to me!:) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – (this actually makes even more sense when you realize that the reactions are classic PTSD stuff, like hiding under furniture and being afraid that perfectly reasonable people are suddenly going to become monsters, etc.) So, I was involved in situations before like having sudden changes in my therapist’s meeting time or place and I dealt with them in a fog. Now, I deal with them by feeling apprehensive and confused. The dissociation kept me from having to experience the feelings! Yep, that’s why I love it.<g Seriously, I think that dissociation is a good way to keep safe and to "dose" the intense, overwhelming feelings that PTSD brings. It sounds like you’ve figured out a middle ground between overwhelming, disabling PTSD and dissociation. (Apprehension and confusion sound much better than PTSD!) I bet it feels bad emotionally to have those feelings of apprehension and confusion, but it must be very satisfying to know that you’ve managed to cross your emotional abyss without crashing into PTSD or falling into the void of dissociation. That’s great!
Mental image here of smashing headfirst into a solid rock wall then losing balance and falling backward off a cliff. Oh, it’s going to be one of *those* days I see ‘the void of dissociation’ should always be said with an echo effect:) It’s also interesting that you keep equating feeling and PTSD. I don’t think I do. I see it as sort of the opposite of dissociation. Feelings seem to be somewhere in the middle. I say this because the stuff that happens to me that is considered PTSD stuff is really really physical and seems to be _past_ feelings or something. Like, total panic seems to be much bigger than just a feeling. Not being able to go outside after dark seems to be a reaction. There isn’t necessarily a feeling attached to it, it is just an impossibility to do (like walking in mid air). I have no doubt that feelings can go with this stuff too, but then they can go with dissociation too, fo me. Like I can be seriously totally dissociated and really really annoyed that I am. (well, unless I’m completely gone, then I don’t notice so I don’t care) I’m not getting worse, or crazy, or suckered into believing I’m ’sick’ all I’m doing is lessening the dissociaton so that the PTSD stuff that was hidden underneath can come out. THis is kind of exciting! OK, here’s where I’m confused again. Were you hiding under furniture or thinking that your therp or the ppl working on your house were monsters? That sounds like PTSD. Or were you having less intense feelings like apprehension and confusion? If its the latter, to me (and I’m no expert), you were avoiding both PTSD and dissociation. And that is a huge accomplishment.
Aha! Thinking my therapist is a monster isn’t a feeling!!! (see, I’m catching on here:) Hiding under furniture isn’t a feeling either. The trick for me is to feel panic and say ‘hey, I’m feeling panic. This sucks’ Otherwise my alternatives used to be to be disconnected and feel nothing, or to be _acting_ in a panicked way but _still_ not aware that there were feelings attached. People would say ‘you must feel panicked because of you are hiding under the table’ and I’d say ‘no, I’m hiding under the table because I have to’ but I’d be no more aware of feeling anything than when I was dissociated and sitting on the sofa looking blank. It seems like once I am aware I am feeling feelings at all, they are already at a level I can handle. If I’m not feeling them they are either turned off, or my body is reacting and my mind is clueless as to why. OTOH, if you were hiding under the furniture in reaction to those events, it sounds like you were experiencing PTSD. And if you hadn’t been doing that as much before, that’s progress, too. But to me that would be an intermediate stage; I would hope to learn to experience less intense, overwhelming feelings instead of having to choose between dissociation or PTSD.
Now I get to feel the panic and then think ‘do I want to hide under the table?’ It’s a choice I can make. Gotta work on letting myself make this choice however 
I have a tendency to think ‘well, it really isn’t all that bad’ even when hiding under a table would make me feel better. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Now I just have to figure out how to get the PTSD stuff to go away and I’ll be all set!!! *grin* I re-read this paragraph and realized this sounds kind of nuts to me, I’m actually _excited_ that I have clear, active PTSD symptoms! Well if you had NO feelings before, including PTSD, I’m excited and happy for you, too. (Although I hope that you’ll learn to have less intense, overwhelming feelings soon.) And I mention this to people in real and they look at me blankly and say ‘well, you’ve never liked it when things are changed in the office’ or whatever. Man! I’ve been _doing_ this all along but I didn’t
… read more »
Response:
too!) see, you *do* know how to act like a brat there’s hope for you yet…. pink bunnies
I agree, this is ‘brat’ like. Fun too! Rainbow Colors (Jill) — I choose to post non-anon because my abusers are afraid. They would have to admit something happened in order to confront me; this they will never do. They are the only people who will be upset if they know who I am, and they are too afraid to admit to what they did. Black of Rainbow Colors
If you like this post and would like to receive updates from this blog, please subscribe our feed.