Question:
I adopted my 2 foster kids in March. All hell has broken loose. I dread the thought of my life being destroyed by these 2 children. They lie, steal, and constantly argue. There is NO peace. Has anybody else had this type experience? My rage scares me. I won’t hurt them, but the anger in me is eating me alive. Tormented Mom
Response:
You sound very frustrated and upset. Since you give little information about the children, what they are doing, and when it started let me suggest simply that if you are not yet attending family counseling sessions that you look into that immediately. Your children could well be testing you to see if you will abandon them as their biological parents did. If they had behavioral problems before they will utilize the same methods to see if those things will cause you to ask for their removal. If you can carry on through all this to the other side they will let up as they see that, no, indeed, you are committed to them and nothing that they can do will cause you to leave them. Christmas, particularly this Christmas, may also be a significant stressor for them. Their memories of early Christmases may be less than Hallmark quality. Once again, they may be testing you or trying to cushion themselves against feared disappointments. If they have poor self images, which is quite likely considering the path to which they came to your home, then they may well believe that nothing good comes to them, and, if it does, it soon becomes damaged or goes away. One term for trying to cause this anticipated rejection is self-sabotage. Consult with a good child psychiatrist and family counselor about what is going on and how best to make it through. I believe that you will be very happy you did. And, if you are already working with a counselor but feel that you are not making progress, talk with them about that. If you feel that the responses you get are reasonable, keep on with that therapist. If you do not, switch to someone else whom you feel more comfortable with. It would be a good idea to attempt to locate someone who is very familiar in working with adoptive families as the issues are somewhat different than in a biological family. An adoptions agency could probably give you a list of several of this type of counselor in your area. Good luck. – Aula "DALWWJD" <dalw…@aol.com> wrote in message
news:19991211151114.14033.00000070@ng-fw1.aol.com… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I adopted my 2 foster kids in March. All hell has broken loose. I dread the > thought of my life being destroyed by these 2 children. They lie, steal, and > constantly argue. There is NO peace. Has anybody else had this type > experience? My rage scares me. I won’t hurt them, but the anger in me is > eating me alive. > Tormented Mom
Response:
>Your children could well be testing you to see if you will abandon them as >their biological parents did. If they had behavioral problems before they >will utilize the same methods to see if those things will cause you to ask >for their removal. If you can carry on through all this to the other side >they will let up as they see that, no, indeed, you are committed to them and >nothing that they can do will cause you to leave them.
I agree with this statement totally. I did exactly the same when I was moved into a permanate home. to the extent that I tore all my clothes up and broke nearly everything i owned, not to get new ones to to see if i was really bad and i still stayed then they loved me. but it wasn’t the last time i did the test 
either. I now have a very good relationship with them.
Response:
I know how you feel. I’m the parent of 3 foster children that we hope to adopt. 2 of them have attachment dissorder and post traumatic stress dissorder. I agree with Aula. Our therapist has been our one true life saver. She has helped us in understanding what’s happening with our kids and why they seem to bring out so much anger. Currently we are sending them off on the weekends to respite homes (good therapeutic ones are hard to find) so they and us have a break. I’m not sure of your kids issues, a good therapist would help and hopefully your search will be short. Never in my life have I had so many stress related health problems as now, nor known that I could get so angry at someone so short. Tested by fire is an acurate saying, I just hope there’s something left over after the heat. You’re not the only one. There’s lots of us out there fighting this good fight. I do believe that committed tough loving parents are the only possible chance children of this sort have, and we must use every available resource at our disposal. For us it’s been Jesus, a committed marriage, and our therapist. Dad in Hawaii ps: my current long term plan is to have both my girls in the Marine Corps upon graduation. Let the enemy deal with them.
Response:
Are you sure you saw all the case information and history prior to the adoption. Hate to say it, but these social agencies that place (sell) children are sometimes not exactly real strong in the ethics department. I can’t argue with the Christmas test that the kids go through. This is especially true for kids that have been TPR’d or moved to five or six different foster homes for no reason. Re-examine why you adopted in the first place. If head and heart agreed at one time and still do, you should be safe. — Capt NJ Marinaro The PYXIS Group PO Box 866 Key Largo, FL 33037 homepage: http://pw1.netcom.com/~pyxis/oceantowing.html
If you like this post and would like to receive updates from this blog, please subscribe our feed.