Question:
nikki, scary hon. our stories are very similar on the ed history and financial difficulites. my ssdi is still pending and i have to see teh state doc when i get home. there is sometimes the option of going retroactive medicare in a med facility if you need it. rare but you may find a hospital who will do it. other routes are fundraisers which is how i initially got treatment at westwnd love shell – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Here it is…nighttime…my worst time. Spoiler for general talk of food.. * * * * * * * * * * * * * I generally binge at night and only at night…never during the day. I use darkness as my cover, as my excape. Its my time alone (though I am alone all day as well) and I can eat without others watching. But I HATE it because eating one thing almost always leads to a binge. It’s a never ending cycle for me. I want to sleep, and have taken my sleeping meds, but I guess because I really havent eaten today that my mind is awake…wanting food. I had a couple bananas and am not as shakey as earlier, but still not too strong. This thing has got me by the throat. I have never been in treatment…never…and yet I have been eating disordered for 16 years. My school counselor phoned my parents once to tell them (this was when I was in high school) and advised that they send me to therapy, but my mom didnt believe I had a problem, even though I would come home from school in the afternoon and hoard all the food…it got to the point where she would hide food locked up in her room from me (therefore making me feel MORE shameful). I was 11 or 12 when I had my first bout of anorexia…noone mentioned it was a problem, though my grandma would tell me I looked like a boy…I can remember being there for Thanksgiving, PETRIFIED at the food, and constantly asking if I would get fat. In my teens years I hid my ED well…I was mainly bulimic in high school, but after I moved back from Florida in 1990, and my mom left for CA in 1991, my ED has been non-stop. I’ve had many ER trips, I have seen a shrink, and my OLD doctor knows that i HAD problems, but my current doctor doesnt know. I am ashamed to tell him. Plus, my old GI doc knew, but now, due to mangled care, I have to see someone new. To top it off, I am having hormone problems and havent had a period for almost 6 months and have Osteoporosis already. Plus, being that I am slightly overweight, I feel I wont be taken seriously, even though I know I have a HUGE problem. I down laxatives like candy, I obsess constantly, I am always thinking about myself in a negative mindset. I take the blame for thngs I shouldnt (like being r*ped or m*lested when I was younger)…I have alot of post traumatic stress issues (it doesnt help that the asshole that molested me at age 13 lives within a mile of here and I HAVE seen him). Plus, its easy for me to blame health problems that could be caused by my ED on the lupus and other illnesses I have. Maybe its my way of not taking full responsibility, because I just do not think I could cope if I knew that ALL the problems I have are/were related to the ED and not the lupus and other medical issues. I need therapy…but I cant afford it…not even on a sliding scale. I am out of work, and have filed for SSI/SSD and am on Medicaid right now. I am wondering if I need inpatient. I am on antidepressents….they seem to help a little. But i need some sort of aggressive therapy…I just dont know what or where. Plus, I have other medical issues to consider as well. I dont know what to do anymore. I am so light-headed…I;ve lost weight, I can tell…and it scares the HELL out of me that I could possibly binge tonight…PLEASE, I dont want to…I dont want to binge…I have to have the strength to fight this….but its been such a long battle, and I am tired. God please dont let me be temped tonight… Thanks for reading…I know i have been posting alot lately. Love Nikki "… lost in the darkness of my own circumstance, criticizing echoes leaving me awake in the night… the barrier and blockades that keep me safe and in control while I pretend that I am okay… "
Response:
Here it is…nighttime…my worst time. Spoiler for general talk of food.. * * * * * * * * * * * * * I generally binge at night and only at night…never during the day. I use darkness as my cover, as my excape. Its my time alone (though I am alone all day as well) and I can eat without others watching. But I HATE it because eating one thing almost always leads to a binge. It’s a never ending cycle for me. I want to sleep, and have taken my sleeping meds, but I guess because I really havent eaten today that my mind is awake…wanting food. I had a couple bananas and am not as shakey as earlier, but still not too strong. This thing has got me by the throat. I have never been in treatment…never…and yet I have been eating disordered for 16 years. My school counselor phoned my parents once to tell them (this was when I was in high school) and advised that they send me to therapy, but my mom didnt believe I had a problem, even though I would come home from school in the afternoon and hoard all the food…it got to the point where she would hide food locked up in her room from me (therefore making me feel MORE shameful). I was 11 or 12 when I had my first bout of anorexia…noone mentioned it was a problem, though my grandma would tell me I looked like a boy…I can remember being there for Thanksgiving, PETRIFIED at the food, and constantly asking if I would get fat. In my teens years I hid my ED well…I was mainly bulimic in high school, but after I moved back from Florida in 1990, and my mom left for CA in 1991, my ED has been non-stop. I’ve had many ER trips, I have seen a shrink, and my OLD doctor knows that i HAD problems, but my current doctor doesnt know. I am ashamed to tell him. Plus, my old GI doc knew, but now, due to mangled care, I have to see someone new. To top it off, I am having hormone problems and havent had a period for almost 6 months and have Osteoporosis already. Plus, being that I am slightly overweight, I feel I wont be taken seriously, even though I know I have a HUGE problem. I down laxatives like candy, I obsess constantly, I am always thinking about myself in a negative mindset. I take the blame for thngs I shouldnt (like being r*ped or m*lested when I was younger)…I have alot of post traumatic stress issues (it doesnt help that the asshole that molested me at age 13 lives within a mile of here and I HAVE seen him). Plus, its easy for me to blame health problems that could be caused by my ED on the lupus and other illnesses I have. Maybe its my way of not taking full responsibility, because I just do not think I could cope if I knew that ALL the problems I have are/were related to the ED and not the lupus and other medical issues. I need therapy…but I cant afford it…not even on a sliding scale. I am out of work, and have filed for SSI/SSD and am on Medicaid right now. I am wondering if I need inpatient. I am on antidepressents….they seem to help a little. But i need some sort of aggressive therapy…I just dont know what or where. Plus, I have other medical issues to consider as well. I dont know what to do anymore. I am so light-headed…I;ve lost weight, I can tell…and it scares the HELL out of me that I could possibly binge tonight…PLEASE, I dont want to…I dont want to binge…I have to have the strength to fight this….but its been such a long battle, and I am tired. God please dont let me be temped tonight… Thanks for reading…I know i have been posting alot lately. Love Nikki "… lost in the darkness of my own circumstance, criticizing echoes leaving me awake in the night… the barrier and blockades that keep me safe and in control while I pretend that I am okay… "
Response:
Nikki, I am glad that you are posting on here even if it takes a while to show up. ONe thing that is evident in an ed is that delayed gratification is hard! Just know that you will receive answers as you need them at the right moment. I really would strenuously urge you to go into treatment. Once the ed is stabalized, I do believe that the lupus, etal. will vastly improve. I know that you are saying, "I don’t deserve it" and if that is the excuse that you use, you will go when you are ready. I think that you have a great future ahead of you and can imagine you having children and grandchildren. Don’t look at age as a factor, heck a 53 year old woman just gave birth to triplets. Lupus can get you waaaayyyyy down, but this is something that you can control. One thing that might help for you to avert a binge is to eat things through the day* * * * Maybe filling items like oat muffins (I can send the recipe if you want). Just something ever 4-6 hours. So that when you are hungry at night, you can eat to being full and that is it. One thing that I have found is that I add some butter to my rice. The fat in the diet totally fills me up and if I don’t use it, I am hungry through the night. The laxatives that you are using will kill you…as you know….and if anything to go into treatment to get off of those. I will support you getting well. BTW, who cares if Rich is supportive or not. If the relationship is meant to be, it will happen, but meanwhile if you get healthy, you have won. Sarahrein Justice – When you get what you deserve Mercy – When you don’t get what you deserve Grace – When you get what you don’t deserve "Hunger hurts but starving works when it costs
Response:
I cant believe this post is JUST showing up….and its from Monday. Sorry guys Nikki "… lost in the darkness of my own circumstance, criticizing echoes leaving me awake in the night… the barrier and blockades that keep me safe and in control while I pretend that I am okay… "
Response:
Nikki, I’m sorry you’re hurting so much. , but I guess because I really havent eaten today that my mind is awake…wanting food.
I think maybe you need to start fighting this much earlier in the day ……ie try to eat during the day. If you don’t, you’re setting yourself up for another binge at night. At least, this is how it goes for me. Do you think you could change your night-time routine in some way? Break the pattern? I’ve been better since I stopped watching TV in the evenings,for example. There’s something about TV/couch potato/food, I find. Thinking of you, Ber
Response:
I cant believe this post is JUST showing up….and its from Monday. Sorry guys
it wont happen once you dump aohell. or at least use a webbrowser (nscape or IE) to read the news
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