Question:
To those of you who have ATTACKED Jean: Don’t you see what has been taking place here? Jean stated that she’s NEVER talked with ANYONE about her daughter in 25 yrs. Jean kept her shame filled SECRET, just like she was supposed to do… Jean has NOW, just NOW begun to talk about this with other birthmothers and some adoptees who have not called her disgusting names, the names many birthmothers were called by their own parents and SOCIETY years and years ago…and EVEN TODAY…. It took great COURAGE for Jean to post in this arena and speak HER feelings, her beliefs as they were when she first posted to this ng. Don’t you see Jean’s feelings and emotions evolving…? Is there something wrong that you don’t see it??? Jeans feelings have changed in a matter of days. Jean is "confronting" her past and her PRESENT right before our eyes…GEEESHHHHHHH. Jean is liberating herself and it takes time. You must know that it’s a process…A lifetime process for goodness sake. Unfortunately due to SOCIETY and it’s LACK of concern for BOTH adoptees and birthmothers feelings we all begin this process differently and at different times within ourselves-much less attempting to bring it outside ourselves publicly…And then SOME of you ATTACK her. You are just REPEATING the disgraceful history that bmoms AND adoptees have continued to endure into the present. That’s a wonderful way to bring bmoms who have been silent all of these years OUT of their SILENCE to break the seal of secrecy for themselves and for THEIR children. If bmoms can’t help themselves first how are they ever going to be able to help/answer questions for their adult children if one day their adult child requests answers? And please, I’m *NOT* GOT IT, *NOT* saying ALL bmoms will break their silence or even want to-even for their adult childs sake. Just another lurker… Pamela Silos ***Mother and Daughter Reunited 1-11-93***
Response:
The combination of everything I’ve been reading here,, plus my own mother’s sudden choice to finally remember the name of the adoptive family has been overwhelming to me. I am crying constantly and have even had to duck into the bathroom at work. In short I feel like I am having a nervous breakdown, my therapist is talking at this point of hospitalizing me.
May I ask if your therapist has experience with post traumatic stress syndrome? I have found that that is a good indicator of a good therapist. But thank goodness you have gone to one. If you email myself or Rosemary, or check the FAQ on support groups, you can get a referral to a support group near you. I would suggest that you join one, as a way to deal with the adoption issues. In short I am deeply confused…torn with a need to know what happened to my child, worried that she’s suffering like many adoptees here but fearful of causing her pain by reappearing in her life, fearful of hurting the adoptive family….fearful of causing major upheaval to my other children. In short, I’m fearful of causing more pain, to anyone I am not uncaring… and I would never dream of telling any of you how to feel or what to think… I am am glad to read so many different takes on the subject and grateful for the imput of those who have emailed me
privately I think that all adoptees crumble a bit upon reunion. We have had no choice but to base our identity on fantasy and when we are faced with reality the fantasies crumble. At a workshop once, someone suggested that adoptees are like a tall building. Each floor is a year of our life. Most people have a stable foundation built upon ancestors and reality, but adoptees’s foundation is more like sand, moving constantly. But one can not build a strong foundation, unless one is confronted with reality and rebuilds. So birth mothers that search take a gift of reality to their child, even if it is painful. This is just how I see it. Others may feel differently. You are in pain, and search is hard, so for now, I would suggest that you stick around and make some friends, get a strong support system going, before you actually search. The person found needs the searcher to be strong enough for both of them for a few months. Again, just my opinion after seeing so many reunions over the years. Adoptees don’t have any place to vent in this society, and some of us get a bit carried away with this at times. Please don’t take it personally. Jean, an adoptee that would have loved to have been searched for.
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Hello… "In short I am deeply confused…torn with a need to know what happened to my child, worried that she’s suffering like many adoptees here but fearful of causing her pain by reappearing in her life, fearful of hurting the adoptive family….fearful of causing major upheaval to my other children." You’re a coward, all right. Add that to the list of birthwhore shortcomings. I guess it never occured to you that your abandoned daughter probably thinks you couldn’t possibly care any less about her (which is not far from the truth!) and that you actually caring enough to search for and find her could help heal her wounds which, after all, YOU caused?
This is over the line, IMO, Kim. I know you hurt, but so do others. Jean
Response:
Hi Jean! Sounds like you need to take things easy for a bit. You have some jobs to do in the next while! If you decide to find your daughter, you’ll need the strength and focus to handle what may come of your reunion with her. In order for you to have that strength and focus, you’ll need to come to terms with your thoughts and feelings about your life when you carried her, and your life now. You’ll need to put your own issues to rest so you have the strength to focus on the needs of your daughter. No matter how your daughter reacts to knowing you, she will forever know that you worked hard (and it will be hard) to find her. She’ll know that there is another heart who reached out to her. This will be a win-win situation, no matter whether she wants a relationship with you or not. But in order to proceed you’ll want to rest, then decide, then focus, then REALLY WORK. Staying focussed means that you have wrestled your fears and won. It means that you can remain so, even if loved ones give you cause to waiver (some will!). Getting ANY support you can, from therapy, from support groups, from loved ones, will help to keep you strong. You need to wrestle with your devils now, and you’ll win when you find out they only ever existed in your imagination. If you decide not to search? You will still want to get support, you’ll still need to focus and come to terms with your life, then and now, and your commitment to yourself for the future. I don’t speak idly… I found my son after much preparation and work. Stay on-line here and learn all you can from every source possible. But first….. rest a while. Dream about your future, whatever you’d like it to be, pamper yourself, and stay close to those who love and support you! Brenda Bmom reunited 9 years with Ryan.
Response:
Hi all, I can here originally hoping to explore a subject I hadn’t dared allowed myself the luxury of dwelling on for years…the child I placed for adoption. I relinquished during a time when concepts like the "Primal Wound" were not talked about and when heavy pre and post adoption counsling for birth mothers was not routine and was almost unheard of in cases like mine where the adoption was private.
It was (and still is) unheard of in many agency adoptions as well, unfortunately. The ensuing years were spent trying to build a life, dealing with a major mental illness, divorce… and now in single parenting To sit and think about all of this would have drained energy I simply needed just to survive. No pity party…life is just like that sometimes.
Just out of curiosity, how much of all this do you suspect was/is a direct result (however obliquely) of your birthmother experience? You’d be surprized at the number of birthmothers who suffer through the same things that you’ve listed above… and worse. Have you joined the birthmother’s mailing list? I think you’d find a lot of help there, from many women who have experienced the same basic nightmare. They are a very supportive group of people, from all age groups and walks of life, and think they number somewhere around 180 subscribers now (birthmothers only). If you need the email address, let me know. I think that you could really benefit from the camaraderie and helpful suggestions. Yes, I have worried and wondered what became of that child over the years…if I didn’t care, if I were "selfish"and "uncompassionate" I wouldn’t be here in the first place…looking to open a door that has been shut and sealed tight for years..
Your tone is very different from that of your original posting, I must say. The combination of everything I’ve been reading here,, plus my own mother’s sudden choice to finally remember the name of the adoptive family has been overwhelming to me. I am crying constantly and have even had to duck into the bathroom at work. In short I feel like I am having a nervous breakdown, my therapist is talking at this point of hospitalizing me.
I think (and this is only my opinion) that you have reached the point where you can see that it was all so avoidable had you only known then what you know now… hindsight really is 20/20. It’s a very difficult thing to look back and see how weak, afraid and intimidated you were by those in authority (they don’t seem nearly so scary now, do they?), and how ineffectively you fought back when the stakes were so high. Try to remember that most people would do things VERY differently if they had a second chance – myself included. I don’t know anyone who hasn’t made any mistakes in life. Unfortunately, birthparents don’t get the opportunity to make amends unless they are successful in searching for their children… and even then, they may be rejected. Many bmothers are also still angry at their own families for their role in the whole gruesome scene, even though they love them. Quite a confusing dilemma. In short I am deeply confused…torn with a need to know what happened to my child, worried that she’s suffering like many adoptees here but fearful of causing her pain by reappearing in her life, fearful of hurting the adoptive family….fearful of causing major upheaval to my other children.
I think you should search for her, let her know that you’re open to contact if and when you find her and you feel ready, and let her make her own decision. You should not be worrying about the adoptive parents – they’ve had ample opportunity to make their mark on your child. If they’ve done their job well, she’s never going to turn her back on them, and they’ll need to be secure enough to share nicely. If they have NOT done their job well, your daughter may really need you in her life. From what I’ve read over the years, it seems to me that many adoptees will feel pain and anger if you don’t bother to search for them. Your daughter may feel that you don’t care enough to search. In short, I’m fearful of causing more pain, to anyone
This is between you and your daughter – nobody else – and she may already be in pain because you haven’t contacted her. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I am not uncaring… and I would never dream of telling any of you how to feel or what to think… I am am glad to read so many different takes on the subject and grateful for the imput of those who have emailed me privately I’m just so confused and overwhelmed I don’t know which way to go.
Do you think that you ready to face a reunion right now, in your fragile state of mind? It may be better to start searching (the sooner the better), but put off making contact until you’re sure you can handle it emotionally. Neither of you gains by a reunion that is marred by emotional baggage like you’re carrying around, I think. On the other hand, you may both benefit from a reunion soon. Only you can really make that decision for yourself. I wish you luck. Kate Workman, SOB The Mother of All Bastard Co-Creators
Response:
Yes, I have worried and wondered what became of that child over the years…if I didn’t care, if I were "selfish"and "uncompassionate" I wouldn’t be here in the first place…looking to open a door that has been shut and sealed tight for years..
Jean, Honey, as I said before.. you are NOT a bad person! You are right to realize that there are three sides to the adoption/relinquishment/adoptee story. You are a compassionate person. If you were not capable of great love, you would not be capable of feeling such pain. The combination of everything I’ve been reading here,, plus my own mother’s sudden choice to finally remember the name of the adoptive family has been overwhelming to me. I am crying constantly and have even had to duck into the bathroom at work. In short I feel like I am having a nervous breakdown, my therapist is talking at this point of hospitalizing me.
This must have hit you like a hammer! Time will ease some of the sharpness of the emotions. I’m just so confused and overwhelmed I don’t know which way to go. Jean
Stay on here! I know that there is a lot of bickering and anger here, but people would not express their anger if they thought it was an unsafe place to do so. Genuine cries for assitance are met with compassion. We do care, although we show it in strange ways, sometimes. Stay on here and read the posts. Understand that many us are in different roads, at different times of our life journey. If you decide to search, advice is available. If you decide not to, advice is available (grin) as well. You will have to decide for yourself. and remember, NOBODY can hurt you unless you let them INSUDE your head. Take care of yourself and remember that you, and you alone, define yourself. sylvia – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Jean
Response:
Hi all, I can here originally hoping to explore a subject I hadn’t dared allowed myself the luxury of dwelling on for years…the child I placed for adoption. I relinquished during a time when concepts like the "Primal Wound" were not talked about and when heavy pre and post adoption counsling for birth mothers was not routine and was almost unheard of in cases like mine where the adoption was private. The ensuing years were spent trying to build a life, dealing with a major mental illness, divorce… and now in single parenting To sit and think about all of this would have drained energy I simply needed just to survive. No pity party…life is just like that sometimes. Yes, I have worried and wondered what became of that child over the years…if I didn’t care, if I were "selfish"and "uncompassionate" I wouldn’t be here in the first place…looking to open a door that has been shut and sealed tight for years.. The combination of everything I’ve been reading here,, plus my own mother’s sudden choice to finally remember the name of the adoptive family has been overwhelming to me. I am crying constantly and have even had to duck into the bathroom at work. In short I feel like I am having a nervous breakdown, my therapist is talking at this point of hospitalizing me. In short I am deeply confused…torn with a need to know what happened to my child, worried that she’s suffering like many adoptees here but fearful of causing her pain by reappearing in her life, fearful of hurting the adoptive family….fearful of causing major upheaval to my other children. In short, I’m fearful of causing more pain, to anyone I am not uncaring… and I would never dream of telling any of you how to feel or what to think… I am am glad to read so many different takes on the subject and grateful for the imput of those who have emailed me privately I’m just so confused and overwhelmed I don’t know which way to go. Jean jean Jean
Response:
(SNIP) fearful of causing her pain by reappearing in her life, fearful of hurting the adoptive family….fearful of causing major upheaval to my other children.< *** JEAN, try this: the joy of reappearing in her life, the joy of being accepted by and accepting the adoptive family….the joy shown by your other children about having a sister. *** I’m just so confused and overwhelmed I don’t know which way to go.
***we’re all confused at times, but if it’s meant to be, it’ll be. Jean jean Jean
– have a FANTASTIC day. Lord’s Peace, Bud a (THACKER-ITE) B-father ISO Daughter 12/25/71 Hou,TX see Worldwide Registry at: http://www.afn.org/~tree/birth.html voice/fax 713-361-3061
Response:
Yes, I have worried and wondered what became of that child over the years…if I didn’t care, if I were "selfish"and "uncompassionate" I wouldn’t be here in the first place…looking to open a door that has been shut and sealed tight for years..
Wait, aren’t you the woman who, just a few days ago, opined that you didn’t want your child to come barging into your life, that you’d done your duty by giving up the child and getting on with your life? Is your head spinning from the 180 you just did? janet bray solursh
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