Question:
I’m getting a divorce and wondering how long will it be before I can sleep at night. How long will the pain be there and will I ever meet another. Our separation is based on the fact that she has fell out of love with me. It’s not a surprise but it still hit me like a ton of bricks. I don’t want to find another to just ease the pain. I just want to get on with my life and support my two girls the best I can. I don’t hate her and do wish her well. Yet I just get so frustrated when she won’t try to work it out. How do you just move on when it hurts so bad.
Response:
I’m getting a divorce and wondering how long will it be before I can sleep at night.
It will likely be kinda uncomfortable, for a while. But, it would help you to try to keep to a set schedule for your sleep times, so that your body can get the rest that it needs, even now, and especially now. I’m not big on meds, but there are times when they can be a great help. You might consider seeing a doc about this. How long will the pain be there and will I ever meet another.
It will hurt for a while, but for most, for less time than they had thought. I’ve seen that here, and I’ve lived it, too. As for another, yes, it’s very likely that you will. *But*, and this is a big point, you will stand a far better chance in meeting, and in getting to know and share with another, if you first do all that you need to do, in order to get over and past where you are now, and you use that new ability to put into your life all that you have, and will, learn about yourself, what happened, and what you can do in order for such a thing to be very unlikely to happen with you again. Doing that also makes you more interesting to others, including the quality ladies ( And, in no way am I talking about physical quality ). Our separation is based on the fact that she has fell out of love with me.
Well, that’s what she says right now, anyway. It may, or may not, be either true, or the whole truth. It’s not a surprise but it still hit me like a ton of bricks. I don’t want to find another to just ease the pain. I just want to get on with my life and support my two girls the best I can.
Good. A great part of that is supporting *you*, including getting yourself good food, and sleep, along with friends, activities that you like, and some fun. It may not feel as you can have fun, but sooner than you may believe, you’ll find that you can, and that you want to. I don’t hate her and do wish her well. Yet I just get so frustrated when she won’t try to work it out. How do you just move on when it hurts so bad.
It’s very tough. I know. But, you can only work with what you have, and that means that when someone else tells you that they no longer want a relationship with you ( incuding, but not limited to, romantic relationships ), that you cannot make them want what they don’t want. Take good care of them, and of you. You all deserve good things, and more will be available to you, when you’re a bit more ready for that. Andre — " The noblest achievement of the imagination is to make time run some other way, and terminate in beauty and forgivness " David Gelernter, " 1939 "
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Lets talk about pain shall we? This is something of an amplifying post to the earlier one. I’ve made some observations after reading much of what was posted here. How do you deal with it? The raw burning emotion of loss? I am trying to and its working somewhat. The REAL pain of this whole thing is my children. They didn’t ask for this and my oldest is putting up a brave front. I can see it in her eyes though, she wants to scream. The realization hit me this weekend that I am not going to have the ability to be with my kids just on a whim. I am going to have to ask permission and make scedules well in advance if I i know my STBX. This, more than anything else hurts me to the core. I love my kids with all my heart. Underway my family was the thing that got me through the long boring days. Now I don’t have that unit, but I do have the thought of my kids. I honestly don’t know where to assign cause. Since my wife got weight reduction surgery (last january, went down 160lbs) she’s been more and more…out of type. I knew it would be an empowering experiance but I never anticipated her to change that much. I also can’t figure out how she can turn on a dime like she does. How she claimed to want to work things out right up to the point where she said that she was "making hte best of things". Now, it’s obvious that she is already planning to date. Indeed, I think she may have already. It’s somewhat telling I think. So there, pain. It’s all I have at the moment. Anger is a close second but pain is the primary. How does one deal with it in this situaion? What are some distractors?
Yep, pain kind of sucks. One of the things that you’ll see written here is that it takes time. That might not be too comforting, but it’s true. I remember when the whole thing hit the fan for me. I tried to intellectuallize it, reading books, talking to a therapist. I figured if I could understand the steps, logically, then I could just move myself through them. It doesn’t work that way. They are called emotions, and they have a life of their own. Sure, I can say it helps to know what the process is supposed to be, because then I can kind of push myself along, but it does take time none-the-less. Don’t ask how long. It is individual. I do not know how long this has been for you, nor how old your kids are. Mine were all 7 and under when it started 18 months ago. I found that relatively quickly (okay, about 6 months) the focus of everything no longer included my ex. My kids were always in my heart, and, like you perhaps, they were what helped me through my day. I found after a while that my pain and anguish came from what the whole thing did to the kids. I still get upset, but it is usually at the actions of my ex in regards to my kids, my perception of her continually cutting them out of my life, and the fact that she has this feeling that she is superMom and can do no wrong. The relationship I had with her is water under the bridge. I still get upset at her, sort off, for the destruction that the whole thing brought into my life. I don’t really care about what it has done to her, though I know her situation is tough. I have also found that I do not know the causes. I have some good ideas: I was at fault in some instances, I blame her for the overall breakdown for lack of committment and lack of communication. Nothing that, IMHO, we couldn’t have worked on, but it seems that in the whole male/female communication gambit, once a woman makes a decision like this, it usually means that it has been festering for a good while unbeknownst to us. Moving off of that point is very very tough. But I think you put it correctly – what are some distractors. I think that, difficult as it may be, try to start thinking of you and what you want out of life. A friend of mine said a month or so after my ex disappeared, "So, what is it that *you* want? Not for your kids, not for your marriage, but for you?" Important questions, and ones that lead to perhaps a little more truth in life, because you only go through it once. Somewhere along the line, I decided that I wanted to lose the weight I had put on over 10 years of marriage – I have about 12 more pounds to go and actually fit into the tux that I got married in. Excercise is good. Hobbies are good. Think of some things that you haven’t done, and start making time for those. DO NOT GIVE UP ON BEING A FATHER, regardless of how difficult your soon-to-be-ex (stbx) makes it. Your kids need you. Take a look at www.altsupportdivorce.org. Some stuff in the Faq and other places might help too. Rambler
Response:
<snip Yes, that’s the worst of it. But, you did say, I thought, that she was being reasonable about your access to the children. Of course, that is certainly not the same thing as being there all the time, or being with them without the constraints of some artifically constructed visitation schedule. I don’t have an answer for that. I don’t really know who does. It’s the fallout from people who think more of their own needs then that of the other’s in their lives. It’s very sad. I am sorry for you.
Yes, she’s being reasonable about the kids. Visitation is going to be "liberal" we’re going to use the standard visitaion arragnement that the lawyers seem to use around here. ALl in all she’s being nice, friendly and utterly bussinesslike. Which is good from the standpoint of the divorce. It’s BAD from the standpoint of someone who spent the last 11 years with her. CHuckle. As I have said, I really enjoyed the chaos of the kids running in and out, planning the birthdays and christmas. I still get to do that but only sometimes..it’s sad. It’s going to be an adjustment but I can cope. Adapt and overcome.
Response:
You are not free until you are free of wanting to know why. Give that up and the days and nights become easier. And, the distractions will come without you even realizing it. Because the distraction will be life and the way you live it.
Thanks for the reminder. It doesn’t happen very often any more, but every once in a while I still find myself asking "why" all over again…. — Jerry
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – What kind of surgery is it? Is she likely to regain her weight? Stomach stapling coupled with a gastric bypass. About 180cm or so of her small intestine bypassed. Pretty heavy duty surgery that produced a very dramatic result. And yes, I belive she will regain it. She stopped at about 170 and is holding. As she does not excercise I belive it’s only a matter of time. Wow. So she weighed 170+160=330 lbs??? scary stuff. How tall is she if you do not mind? There is one thing I do not understand. With this type of surgery, the person basically cannot get enough nutrition to maintain weight. Which is great I guess if you are overweight. But, why would a person stop losing weight and not die of starvation? i
She’s about 5′8 or so. She’s not that short. It’s a balance issue. The bypassed intestine shortens the time the food stays in the system but it DOES stay in the system. So nutrition is gained. It simply matches to the metabolism. You don’t starve to seath because you are still getting calories. Just not as much as you would normally. Personally, I was never comfortable with the procedure. In my wife’s case it seemed like a "cheat".
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hate to be a spoil sport, but 160# in 3 to 4 months would indicate that you did not research weight reduction surgery before you utilized it in your storyline. Interesting that you automaticly assume I spun a "story". It was january of 02. You are correct in one thing, when she went in for the surgery I only reserched the physical side effects. I, unfortunatly, did not research the psycological. By August of 02 she had dropped about 90 or so, she stopped dropping late in last year. I am so happy to see usnet bitterness and skepticism is alive and well. No bitterness here, Lomax. Skepticism yes. The two don’t go hand and hand. Bitterness is not healthy, a bit of skepticism from time to time can be though. I responded to your statement that she lost the weight since "last January". So, putting the skepticism aside I would like to respond to your comments regarding causes. We often feel we must know what the cause of something is that has brought us pain, taken away something we value, and left us feeling negated. We feel we must have the answer. But why? What would that tell us? Would it clarify something we already know deep inside of us? In my case, the simple desire to fix a flaw in my character. But the reason why is slowly losing any meaning as I don’t even think she knows the truth of why she’s doing this. The truth is we always know the answer. We know the people we live with, we know their strengths, their weaknesses, their desires, their dreams. Or we should. If we don’t know these things about the person we supposedly dedicated our lives to then doesn’t that tell us something deep and important was lacking in the relationship? It is not uncommon for people who have made massive changes in one facet of their life, to then extend those changes to other areas. Perhaps it is the change itself, the ability to have accomplished it, that allows that person to begin to consider the other areas of their life that are unsatisfactory to them. Yes, i’ll agree with you there. Empowerment. Thing is, she changes tack so often and in so many different directions that it’s hard to get a real handle on WHAT she wants or how she plans on getting it. So what was lacking for her? Can you really say you do not know? That doesn’t mean you were at fault. That doesn’t mean you were the cause. It may only mean that your ex was living a life she was not happy in. It may only mean that the ability to make the change she made, gave her the confidence to make the change in her marital status. Perhaps that desire was always there. Sadly, her desire for change was stronger than her desire to think of your needs or those of her children. She put herself first. But, that is the reason for divorce isn’t it? One put’s their needs and desires ahead of the other. So, does it matter what the reason was? Whether she wanted to date, or work, or go to school, or become an astronaut. What she wanted was to do it without you. That’s the hardest thing to accept, isn’t it? To be disregarded, set aside, left behind is so hard to accept. So, we look for causes and reasons. We are rational beings, so we must find rationality in the decisions and changes that effect our lives. Stop looking for them. Stop asking why. Don’t believe that you were the only cause just because she says you were. She was the cause. She wanted something different. When someone wants something different there is little you can do about it. You are not free until you are free of wanting to know why. Give that up and the days and nights become easier. And, the distractions will come without you even realizing it. Because the distraction will be life and the way you live it. But, as the majority of people here know, logically that’s easy to do. The reality is (at least in my case) it’s one of the most difficult things I’ve ever been faced with. I made many mistakes over the years. I’ve tried my best to correct them and I think in most respects I did. Apparently that wasn’t enough. It’s not so much her as the prospect of being alone. What is hurting me the most is the loss of access to my children. I enjoyed the disorganized chaos that was my family. That’s going to be gone. And that hurts very much.
Yes, that’s the worst of it. But, you did say, I thought, that she was being reasonable about your access to the children. Of course, that is certainly not the same thing as being there all the time, or being with them without the constraints of some artifically constructed visitation schedule. I don’t have an answer for that. I don’t really know who does. It’s the fallout from people who think more of their own needs then that of the other’s in their lives. It’s very sad. I am sorry for you. Pamela
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – So there, pain. It’s all I have at the moment. Anger is a close second but pain is the primary. How does one deal with it in this situaion? What are some distractors? I go in the closet and scream into a pillow. I have noticed I just don’t like to be alone. Being around people helps. The second job I have is something of a distractor too. I do know what you mean… I used to be more comfortable being around people when i was really down…. but now i crave privacy and quietness… noise and commotion causes me great anxiety now, where it used to be comforting somehow.
Part of my job requires that I am social. So that helps. At the moment I REALLY don’t like being alone. I guess I am tending to brood on all this. Being around what few friends I have helps a lot, distracts me from the anxiety I feel most of the time.
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hate to be a spoil sport, but 160# in 3 to 4 months would indicate that you did not research weight reduction surgery before you utilized it in your storyline. Interesting that you automaticly assume I spun a "story". It was january of 02. You are correct in one thing, when she went in for the surgery I only reserched the physical side effects. I, unfortunatly, did not research the psycological. By August of 02 she had dropped about 90 or so, she stopped dropping late in last year. I am so happy to see usnet bitterness and skepticism is alive and well. No bitterness here, Lomax. Skepticism yes. The two don’t go hand and hand. Bitterness is not healthy, a bit of skepticism from time to time can be though. I responded to your statement that she lost the weight since "last January". So, putting the skepticism aside I would like to respond to your comments regarding causes. We often feel we must know what the cause of something is that has brought us pain, taken away something we value, and left us feeling negated. We feel we must have the answer. But why? What would that tell us? Would it clarify something we already know deep inside of us?
In my case, the simple desire to fix a flaw in my character. But the reason why is slowly losing any meaning as I don’t even think she knows the truth of why she’s doing this. The truth is we always know the answer. We know the people we live with, we know their strengths, their weaknesses, their desires, their dreams. Or we should. If we don’t know these things about the person we supposedly dedicated our lives to then doesn’t that tell us something deep and important was lacking in the relationship? It is not uncommon for people who have made massive changes in one facet of their life, to then extend those changes to other areas. Perhaps it is the change itself, the ability to have accomplished it, that allows that person to begin to consider the other areas of their life that are unsatisfactory to them.
Yes, i’ll agree with you there. Empowerment. Thing is, she changes tack so often and in so many different directions that it’s hard to get a real handle on WHAT she wants or how she plans on getting it. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – So what was lacking for her? Can you really say you do not know? That doesn’t mean you were at fault. That doesn’t mean you were the cause. It may only mean that your ex was living a life she was not happy in. It may only mean that the ability to make the change she made, gave her the confidence to make the change in her marital status. Perhaps that desire was always there. Sadly, her desire for change was stronger than her desire to think of your needs or those of her children. She put herself first. But, that is the reason for divorce isn’t it? One put’s their needs and desires ahead of the other. So, does it matter what the reason was? Whether she wanted to date, or work, or go to school, or become an astronaut. What she wanted was to do it without you. That’s the hardest thing to accept, isn’t it? To be disregarded, set aside, left behind is so hard to accept. So, we look for causes and reasons. We are rational beings, so we must find rationality in the decisions and changes that effect our lives. Stop looking for them. Stop asking why. Don’t believe that you were the only cause just because she says you were. She was the cause. She wanted something different. When someone wants something different there is little you can do about it. You are not free until you are free of wanting to know why. Give that up and the days and nights become easier. And, the distractions will come without you even realizing it. Because the distraction will be life and the way you live it.
But, as the majority of people here know, logically that’s easy to do. The reality is (at least in my case) it’s one of the most difficult things I’ve ever been faced with. I made many mistakes over the years. I’ve tried my best to correct them and I think in most respects I did. Apparently that wasn’t enough. It’s not so much her as the prospect of being alone. What is hurting me the most is the loss of access to my children. I enjoyed the disorganized chaos that was my family. That’s going to be gone. And that hurts very much.
Response:
says… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Lets talk about pain shall we? This is something of an amplifying post to the earlier one. I’ve made some observations after reading much of what was posted here. How do you deal with it? The raw burning emotion of loss? I am trying to and its working somewhat. The REAL pain of this whole thing is my children. They didn’t ask for this and my oldest is putting up a brave front. I can see it in her eyes though, she wants to scream. The realization hit me this weekend that I am not going to have the ability to be with my kids just on a whim. I am going to have to ask permission and make scedules well in advance if I i know my STBX. This, more than anything else hurts me to the core. I love my kids with all my heart. Underway my family was the thing that got me through the long boring days. Now I don’t have that unit, but I do have the thought of my kids. I honestly don’t know where to assign cause. Since my wife got weight reduction surgery (last january, went down 160lbs) she’s been more and more…out of type. I knew it would be an empowering experiance but I never anticipated her to change that much. I also can’t figure out how she can turn on a dime like she does. How she claimed to want to work things out right up to the point where she said that she was "making hte best of things". Now, it’s obvious that she is already planning to date. Indeed, I think she may have already. It’s somewhat telling I think. So there, pain. It’s all I have at the moment. Anger is a close second but pain is the primary. How does one deal with it in this situaion? What are some distractors?
Ah…and as an aside we "celebrated" our 11 year anniverdsary saturday with a rousing discussion of property division. That weekend REALLY was no fun at all.
Response:
Hate to be a spoil sport, but 160# in 3 to 4 months would indicate that you did not research weight reduction surgery before you utilized it in your storyline. Interesting that you automaticly assume I spun a "story". It was january of 02.
I think that assumption was based on your implying it had happened in 3 or 4 months (since you only said January, not January of 2002), so why wouldn’t she assume you spun a story? You’re the one who wrote it that way. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – You are correct in one thing, when she went in for the surgery I only reserched the physical side effects. I, unfortunatly, did not research the psycological. By August of 02 she had dropped about 90 or so, she stopped dropping late in last year. I am so happy to see usnet bitterness and skepticism is alive and well.
Response:
So there, pain. It’s all I have at the moment. Anger is a close second but pain is the primary. How does one deal with it in this situaion? What are some distractors? I go in the closet and scream into a pillow. I have noticed I just don’t like to be alone. Being around people helps. The second job I have is something of a distractor too.
I do know what you mean… I used to be more comfortable being around people when i was really down…. but now i crave privacy and quietness… noise and commotion causes me great anxiety now, where it used to be comforting somehow.
Response:
Hate to be a spoil sport, but 160# in 3 to 4 months would indicate that you did not research weight reduction surgery before you utilized it in your storyline. Interesting that you automaticly assume I spun a "story". It was january of 02. You are correct in one thing, when she went in for the surgery I only reserched the physical side effects. I, unfortunatly, did not research the psycological. By August of 02 she had dropped about 90 or so, she stopped dropping late in last year. I am so happy to see usnet bitterness and skepticism is alive and well.
No bitterness here, Lomax. Skepticism yes. The two don’t go hand and hand. Bitterness is not healthy, a bit of skepticism from time to time can be though. I responded to your statement that she lost the weight since "last January". So, putting the skepticism aside I would like to respond to your comments regarding causes. We often feel we must know what the cause of something is that has brought us pain, taken away something we value, and left us feeling negated. We feel we must have the answer. But why? What would that tell us? Would it clarify something we already know deep inside of us? The truth is we always know the answer. We know the people we live with, we know their strengths, their weaknesses, their desires, their dreams. Or we should. If we don’t know these things about the person we supposedly dedicated our lives to then doesn’t that tell us something deep and important was lacking in the relationship? It is not uncommon for people who have made massive changes in one facet of their life, to then extend those changes to other areas. Perhaps it is the change itself, the ability to have accomplished it, that allows that person to begin to consider the other areas of their life that are unsatisfactory to them. So what was lacking for her? Can you really say you do not know? That doesn’t mean you were at fault. That doesn’t mean you were the cause. It may only mean that your ex was living a life she was not happy in. It may only mean that the ability to make the change she made, gave her the confidence to make the change in her marital status. Perhaps that desire was always there. Sadly, her desire for change was stronger than her desire to think of your needs or those of her children. She put herself first. But, that is the reason for divorce isn’t it? One put’s their needs and desires ahead of the other. So, does it matter what the reason was? Whether she wanted to date, or work, or go to school, or become an astronaut. What she wanted was to do it without you. That’s the hardest thing to accept, isn’t it? To be disregarded, set aside, left behind is so hard to accept. So, we look for causes and reasons. We are rational beings, so we must find rationality in the decisions and changes that effect our lives. Stop looking for them. Stop asking why. Don’t believe that you were the only cause just because she says you were. She was the cause. She wanted something different. When someone wants something different there is little you can do about it. You are not free until you are free of wanting to know why. Give that up and the days and nights become easier. And, the distractions will come without you even realizing it. Because the distraction will be life and the way you live it. Pamela
Response:
160Lbs??? Did they use a chainsaw????
As one of her co-workers put it " she lost a person". It’s really a great procedure if all the proscribled mesures are taken, in this case I don’t belive they were.
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Lets talk about pain shall we? This is something of an amplifying post to the earlier one. I’ve made some observations after reading much of what was posted here. How do you deal with it? The raw burning emotion of loss? I am trying to and its working somewhat. The REAL pain of this whole thing is my children. They didn’t ask for this and my oldest is putting up a brave front. I can see it in her eyes though, she wants to scream. The realization hit me this weekend that I am not going to have the ability to be with my kids just on a whim. I am going to have to ask permission and make scedules well in advance if I i know my STBX. This, more than anything else hurts me to the core. I love my kids with all my heart. Underway my family was the thing that got me through the long boring days. Now I don’t have that unit, but I do have the thought of my kids. I honestly don’t know where to assign cause. Since my wife got weight reduction surgery (last january, went down 160lbs) she’s been more and more…out of type. I knew it would be an empowering experiance but I never anticipated her to change that much. I also can’t figure out how she can turn on a dime like she does. How she claimed to want to work things out right up to the point where she said that she was "making hte best of things". Now, it’s obvious that she is already planning to date. Indeed, I think she may have already. It’s somewhat telling I think. So there, pain. It’s all I have at the moment. Anger is a close second but pain is the primary. How does one deal with it in this situaion? What are some distractors? Yep, pain kind of sucks. One of the things that you’ll see written here is that it takes time. That might not be too comforting, but it’s true. I remember when the whole thing hit the fan for me. I tried to intellectuallize it, reading books, talking to a therapist. I figured if I could understand the steps, logically, then I could just move myself through them. It doesn’t work that way. They are called emotions, and they have a life of their own. Sure, I can say it helps to know what the process is supposed to be, because then I can kind of push myself along, but it does take time none-the-less. Don’t ask how long. It is individual.
I am beginning to learn that the only healer is time. Right now I am bouncing around a bit. Mainly becuase of the kids and a fear of being alone. I find that if I just keep myself occupied the pain is less raw. I do not know how long this has been for you, nor how old your kids are. Mine were all 7 and under when it started 18 months ago. I found that relatively quickly (okay, about 6 months) the focus of everything no longer included my ex. My kids were always in my heart, and, like you perhaps, they were what helped me through my day. I found after a while that my pain and anguish came from what the whole thing did to the kids. I still get upset, but it is usually at the actions of my ex in regards to my kids, my perception of her continually cutting them out of my life, and the fact that she has this feeling that she is superMom and can do no wrong. The relationship I had with her is water under the bridge. I still get upset at her, sort off, for the destruction that the whole thing brought into my life. I don’t really care about what it has done to her, though I know her situation is tough.
Mine are 5,6 and 9. I am already focusing on the children but trying REAL hard not to be superdad. I am trying not to upset any routines or make any grand gestures. Trying to keep things as normal as possible, it seems to be working. She is also trying to keep them in my life which is good. We did the nasty divorce bit 8 months ago. I don’t really feel much for her now. To me it was like she flicked a lightswitch. I get nothing but the friend routine now. This time around we are just trying to get clear of each other and get on with our lives. My pain and anger mainly stem from what it’s doing to my oldest. The two little ones can’t really comprehend what’s going on. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I have also found that I do not know the causes. I have some good ideas: I was at fault in some instances, I blame her for the overall breakdown for lack of committment and lack of communication. Nothing that, IMHO, we couldn’t have worked on, but it seems that in the whole male/female communication gambit, once a woman makes a decision like this, it usually means that it has been festering for a good while unbeknownst to us. Moving off of that point is very very tough. But I think you put it correctly – what are some distractors. I think that, difficult as it may be, try to start thinking of you and what you want out of life. A friend of mine said a month or so after my ex disappeared, "So, what is it that *you* want? Not for your kids, not for your marriage, but for you?" Important questions, and ones that lead to perhaps a little more truth in life, because you only go through it once. Somewhere along the line, I decided that I wanted to lose the weight I had put on over 10 years of marriage – I have about 12 more pounds to go and actually fit into the tux that I got married in. Excercise is good. Hobbies are good. Think of some things that you haven’t done, and start making time for those. DO NOT GIVE UP ON BEING A FATHER, regardless of how difficult your soon-to-be-ex (stbx) makes it. Your kids need you. Take a look at www.altsupportdivorce.org. Some stuff in the Faq and other places might help too.
Trying to. I am working out again becuase I wasn’t happy with my body and the navy does require it. I want to travel a bit, as i was unable to do that with my wife. And, much to my funeral director sisters dismay, I am going to buy a Motorcycle, I’ve been wanting a crusier for the last 4 years or so. SO yeah, I have a plan and it seems to be the right one. It’s just every so often one of those damn "bubbles of pain" as I call them bob to the surface. It tosses me into a spin. It also dosn’t help that my wife is stomping the emotional stuffing out of me whenever she gets an opeing. Yeah, she can still get under my skin when I let her. I am trying to be the nice guy, but still get some answers as to what, exactly, went wrong in her eyes. The response was simply that it was all my fault. Yeehaw
Response:
So there, pain. It’s all I have at the moment. Anger is a close second but pain is the primary. How does one deal with it in this situaion? What are some distractors? I go in the closet and scream into a pillow.
I have noticed I just don’t like to be alone. Being around people helps. The second job I have is something of a distractor too.
Response:
How does one deal with it in this situaion? What are some distractors? It’s hard to distract from the pain. You just have to live through it. It sure helps to have people that you can talk to. Eventually, the pain will be overtaken by the anger. Believe it or not, that is the first sign that you are starting to come out of it. After a while, the anger will subside and you will start to look at yourself and think about what you want to do with the rest of your life. Set some goals for yourself and start working towards them. I know you will hear this a hundred times, but it just takes time to work through all the feelings. And stay close to the kids. Call them, write them, email them. Offer to watch them. Hopefully you still live relatively close to them. —
Been bouncing around on the anger thing. Moreso for the kids. I am numb to her as I did the emotional thing the last time and this is just a replay of that on her part. I am going to stay as close to the kids as I can. It’s my primary goal. As much as the Navy allows anyway. RIght now I am splitting my time between helping my siblings with my mother and my wholy depressing house. WE are still living together but I really don’t like going home as I have to interact with this stranger that used to be my wife.
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Hate to be a spoil sport, but 160# in 3 to 4 months would indicate that you did not research weight reduction surgery before you utilized it in your storyline.
Interesting that you automaticly assume I spun a "story". It was january of 02. You are correct in one thing, when she went in for the surgery I only reserched the physical side effects. I, unfortunatly, did not research the psycological. By August of 02 she had dropped about 90 or so, she stopped dropping late in last year. I am so happy to see usnet bitterness and skepticism is alive and well.
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What kind of surgery is it? Is she likely to regain her weight?
Stomach stapling coupled with a gastric bypass. About 180cm or so of her small intestine bypassed. Pretty heavy duty surgery that produced a very dramatic result. And yes, I belive she will regain it. She stopped at about 170 and is holding. As she does not excercise I belive it’s only a matter of time.
Response:
Hate to be a spoil sport, but 160# in 3 to 4 months would indicate that you did not research weight reduction surgery before you utilized it in your storyline.
I gave him the benefit of the doubt and assumed he meant January 2002. But then, as the old saying goes…. never assume…. — Jerry
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Hate to be a spoil sport, but 160# in 3 to 4 months would indicate that you did not research weight reduction surgery before you utilized it in your storyline. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and assumed he meant January 2002. But then, as the old saying goes…. never assume…. — Jerry
Maybe he did. I’m sure he will tell us he did. But, even so, it didn’t play real to me. Pamela
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So there, pain. It’s all I have at the moment. Anger is a close second but pain is the primary. How does one deal with it in this situaion? What are some distractors?
I go in the closet and scream into a pillow.
Response:
Hate to be a spoil sport, but 160# in 3 to 4 months would indicate that you did not research weight reduction surgery before you utilized it in your storyline. Pamela
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Lets talk about pain shall we? This is something of an amplifying post to the earlier one. I’ve made some observations after reading much of what was posted here. How do you deal with it? The raw burning emotion of loss? I am trying to and its working somewhat. The REAL pain of this whole thing is my children. They didn’t ask for this and my oldest is putting up a brave front. I can see it in her eyes though, she wants to scream. The realization hit me this weekend that I am not going to have the ability to be with my kids just on a whim. I am going to have to ask permission and make scedules well in advance if I i know my STBX. This, more than anything else hurts me to the core. I love my kids with all my heart. Underway my family was the thing that got me through the long boring days. Now I don’t have that unit, but I do have the thought of my kids. I honestly don’t know where to assign cause. Since my wife got weight reduction surgery (last january, went down 160lbs) she’s been more and more…out of type. I knew it would be an empowering experiance but I never anticipated her to change that much. I also can’t figure out how she can turn on a dime like she does. How she claimed to want to work things out right up to the point where she said that she was "making hte best of things". Now, it’s obvious that she is already planning to date. Indeed, I think she may have already. It’s somewhat telling I think. So there, pain. It’s all I have at the moment. Anger is a close second but pain is the primary. How does one deal with it in this situaion? What are some distractors?
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Lets talk about pain shall we? This is something of an amplifying post to the earlier one. I’ve made some observations after reading much of what was posted here. How do you deal with it? The raw burning emotion of loss? I am trying to and its working somewhat. The REAL pain of this whole thing is my children. They didn’t ask for this and my oldest is putting up a brave front. I can see it in her eyes though, she wants to scream. The realization hit me this weekend that I am not going to have the ability to be with my kids just on a whim. I am going to have to ask permission and make scedules well in advance if I i know my STBX. This, more than anything else hurts me to the core. I love my kids with all my heart. Underway my family was the thing that got me through the long boring days. Now I don’t have that unit, but I do have the thought of my kids. I honestly don’t know where to assign cause. Since my wife got weight reduction surgery (last january, went down 160lbs) she’s been more and more…out of type. I knew it would be an empowering experiance but I never anticipated her to change that much. I also can’t figure out how she can turn on a dime like she does. How she claimed to want to work things out right up to the point where she said that she was "making hte best of things". Now, it’s obvious that she is already planning to date. Indeed, I think she may have already. It’s somewhat telling I think. So there, pain. It’s all I have at the moment. Anger is a close second but pain is the primary. How does one deal with it in this situaion? What are some distractors?
It’s hard to distract from the pain. You just have to live through it. It sure helps to have people that you can talk to. Eventually, the pain will be overtaken by the anger. Believe it or not, that is the first sign that you are starting to come out of it. After a while, the anger will subside and you will start to look at yourself and think about what you want to do with the rest of your life. Set some goals for yourself and start working towards them. I know you will hear this a hundred times, but it just takes time to work through all the feelings. And stay close to the kids. Call them, write them, email them. Offer to watch them. Hopefully you still live relatively close to them. — Jerry
Response:
Lets talk about pain shall we? This is something of an amplifying post to the earlier one. I’ve made some observations after reading much of what was posted here. How do you deal with it? The raw burning emotion of loss? I am trying to and its working somewhat. The REAL pain of this whole thing is my children. They didn’t ask for this and my oldest is putting up a brave front. I can see it in her eyes though, she wants to scream. The realization hit me this weekend that I am not going to have the ability to be with my kids just on a whim. I am going to have to ask permission and make scedules well in advance if I i know my STBX. This, more than anything else hurts me to the core. I love my kids with all my heart. Underway my family was the thing that got me through the long boring days. Now I don’t have that unit, but I do have the thought of my kids. I honestly don’t know where to assign cause. Since my wife got weight reduction surgery (last january, went down 160lbs) she’s been more and more…out of type. I knew it would be an empowering experiance but I never anticipated her to change that much. I also can’t figure out how she can turn on a dime like she does. How she claimed to want to work things out right up to the point where she said that she was "making hte best of things". Now, it’s obvious that she is already planning to date. Indeed, I think she may have already. It’s somewhat telling I think. So there, pain. It’s all I have at the moment. Anger is a close second but pain is the primary. How does one deal with it in this situaion? What are some distractors?
Response:
160Lbs??? Did they use a chainsaw???? – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – What kind of surgery is it? Is she likely to regain her weight? ignoramus Lets talk about pain shall we? This is something of an amplifying post to the earlier one. I’ve made some observations after reading much of what was posted here. How do you deal with it? The raw burning emotion of loss? I am trying to and its working somewhat. The REAL pain of this whole thing is my children. They didn’t ask for this and my oldest is putting up a brave front. I can see it in her eyes though, she wants to scream. The realization hit me this weekend that I am not going to have the ability to be with my kids just on a whim. I am going to have to ask permission and make scedules well in advance if I i know my STBX. This, more than anything else hurts me to the core. I love my kids with all my heart. Underway my family was the thing that got me through the long boring days. Now I don’t have that unit, but I do have the thought of my kids. I honestly don’t know where to assign cause. Since my wife got weight reduction surgery (last january, went down 160lbs) she’s been more and more…out of type. I knew it would be an empowering experiance but I never anticipated her to change that much. I also can’t figure out how she can turn on a dime like she does. How she claimed to want to work things out right up to the point where she said that she was "making hte best of things". Now, it’s obvious that she is already planning to date. Indeed, I think she may have already. It’s somewhat telling I think. So there, pain. It’s all I have at the moment. Anger is a close second but pain is the primary. How does one deal with it in this situaion? What are some distractors?
Response:
I would guess it was gastric banding or bypass. Both produce dramatic weight loss in most people that have it but there is a limit and if the patient is a pathological over eater the results will be temporary…. Scott
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – 160Lbs??? Did they use a chainsaw???? What kind of surgery is it? Is she likely to regain her weight? ignoramus Lets talk about pain shall we? This is something of an amplifying post to the earlier one. I’ve made some observations after reading much of what was posted here. How do you deal with it? The raw burning emotion of loss? I am trying to and its working somewhat. The REAL pain of this whole thing is my children. They didn’t ask for this and my oldest is putting up a brave front. I can see it in her eyes though, she wants to scream. The realization hit me this weekend that I am not going to have the ability to be with my kids just on a whim. I am going to have to ask permission and make scedules well in advance if I i know my STBX. This, more than anything else hurts me to the core. I love my kids with all my heart. Underway my family was the thing that got me through the long boring days. Now I don’t have that unit, but I do have the thought of my kids. I honestly don’t know where to assign cause. Since my wife got weight reduction surgery (last january, went down 160lbs) she’s been more and more…out of type. I knew it would be an empowering experiance but I never anticipated her to change that much. I also can’t figure out how she can turn on a dime like she does. How she claimed to want to work things out right up to the point where she said that she was "making hte best of things". Now, it’s obvious that she is already planning to date. Indeed, I think she may have already. It’s somewhat telling I think. So there, pain. It’s all I have at the moment. Anger is a close second but pain is the primary. How does one deal with it in this situaion? What are some distractors?
Response:
I’m not having a good night ,for some reason the pain threatens to overwhelm me tonight , No matter what i do i cant stop the pain ,what tentative control i had i seem to be loosing ,Nothing "special" has happened , i have had no contact with my thrice damned ex , I had a pretty good day at work . But for some reason this evening i cannot sleep and i cannot control the hurting. I am alive . But why bother ? What good is life without someone to care for ? Please dont tell me that i have to like myself , it is well documented that i do not do that and i never have . I can live with the fact that i am starting over, and the anticipation of dating is a thrill ,I am not just sitting home alone wasting away ,Well i have continued to loose weight and i still have little or no appetite ,Hell I’ve lost 45 pounds and look better than i have in years . I think its the realization that I have nothing , absolutely nothing ,to look forward to but more pain, Why bother ? sometimes its ok just to quit ,hell people do it all the time . Sorry everybody . I’m just tired of trying ,and most of all i am tired of being alone when i cry
Response:
What I tell myself in times like you describe is that what she took was a piece of my life, not the whole thing. As for the weight loss, it’s a good thing but scarey isn’t it? I was losing 2 lbs. a day for awhile. I forced myself to eat so that I could arrest thir rapid dwindeling. I stoped it at 25 lbs. even though I have another 50 to go. Then I started taking an hour-long walk every day. The exercise and fresh air gave me an appetite and the exercise is making me fit and more attractive because I’m losing again. I feel better about myself because of this gain of control too. But, another hugely important reason for walking is it gives me time to think and I find I think more clearly when I am doing some midless task as walking. If you have a forested place to walk, there is somethig sootheing about natures peace and tranquility. This has helped me alot. I hope it may bring some peace to you.
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I’m not having a good night ,for some reason the pain threatens to overwhelm me tonight , No matter what i do i cant stop the pain ,what tentative control i had i seem to be loosing ,Nothing "special" has happened , i have had no contact with my thrice damned ex , I had a pretty good day at work . But for some reason this evening i cannot sleep and i cannot control the hurting. I am alive . But why bother ? What good is life without someone to care for ? Please dont tell me that i have to like myself , it is well documented that i do not do that and i never have . I can live with the fact that i am starting over, and the anticipation of dating is a thrill ,I am not just sitting home alone wasting away ,Well i have continued to loose weight and i still have little or no appetite ,Hell I’ve lost 45 pounds and look better than i have in years . I think its the realization that I have nothing , absolutely nothing ,to look forward to but more pain, Why bother ? sometimes its ok just to quit ,hell people do it all the time . Sorry everybody . I’m just tired of trying ,and most of all i am tired of being alone when i cry
Response:
Patrick, I can relate to you my friend. I live 600 miles from all of my family and dearest friends. Since my wife announced she didn’t love me a month ago and finally moved out last week, its been sheer hell. Nobody to hold me when I’m crying and all that. Yet, my therapist made an important point to me yesterday that has been very helpful, and i hope it helps you somehow. This experience you and so many others are going through is a kind of post-traumatic stress syndrome. Now, it may vary in degree for everyone, but this shock to the mind is so overwhelming that we can’t shut off these painful thoughts. The brain just keep replaying and cycling through this as a way of actually dealing with the trauma of the breakup. You have to realize that this isn’t some kind of punishment or spiral downward to oblivion, but a way our psyche is actually trying to pull us through this. You have to grieve. I would drop everything and bawl, sob and scream for half hour stretches and just exhaust myself. I’m still on a roller coaster, but its getting much better now that she is gone. You mention many times that you don’t like yourself. I can only think that this is really compounding your grief exponentially. Everyone has talents and intrinsically positive qualities. My focus right now is being OK with BEING ALONE. You need to do this too Patrick. Don’t focus so much energy on giving to someone else, being there for someone else, and having someone there for you. Easier said than done, but I’m in your shoes brother. I’ve already had a couple of encounters with other women that were totally innocent and platonic, but the feelings were intense. Something like this virtually erases your identity. No wonder we all get so incredibly hurt and confused. Focus on constructing YOUR identity for YOURSELF. When you understand that you are a talented and unique person, which you are like all of us, you will have the confidence and calmness to ease that pain. Force yourself to reach out to friends and family. Sometimes they don’t know what to say or do, so tell them. Its hard, but it has been my salvation through all of this. I would only caution you against walking into relationships that become intense very quickly. Feelings are very strong and I have to really pull back and say "what I need is simply to relax and have someone to talk to, nothing more". Its a rough road and something I never thought I would go through. Yet, I have made a decision to make myself a better person in spite of the pain and anguish. You can too if thats what you want, but nobody is going to do it for you. Its up to you!! Chris
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Hi, I have really no idea exactly what is going on here except that people write & post subects on the internet. Patrick, please don’t give up on life. I have been divorced twice & understand some of the pain you may feel. After my second one I turned my life over to Christ because I basically had no choice , it was either give into the pain or seek a higher power…. the power of the Holy Spirit… to help me. Although I do at times feel lonely I know I am never alone. My God is always with me in all things. I don’t know if you will get this anytime soon but may the God of heaven & earth pour out His love & peace to you. I am a changed person inside because I am learning about trusting my God & not so much people. We all make mistakes but none of us are failures. We simply fail at some things , sometimes. God bless you Patrick! Teresa
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If you have a forested place to walk, there is somethig sootheing about natures peace and tranquility. This has helped me alot. I hope it may bring some peace to you.
While I was in California last week, I spent a little bit of every day on the beach, just watching the ocean and reading my "how to survive this crap" books. It was definitely much better than the prospect of walking around the neighborhood streets where I live, seeing the swing sets and stuff in front of houses. Unfortunately, it’s a drive to get out of the city here, or I would head there after work everyday I think. Before you buy.
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I’m not having a good night ,for some reason the pain threatens to overwhelm me tonight ,
Sometimes you have to let the pain overwhelm you. Do it while you are alone. Post here. No matter what i do i cant stop the pain
This is a just a thought …. it might not do you any good right now, but I want you to read it and say it aloud so that you might be able to get a perspective on what is happening to you. That pain is yours – just like your car, house or apartment is yours – you own it. And where is that pain? Where is it coming from – who is making it? We manufacture our own emotional pain. We have little pain factories inside of *us* that sometimes get so stoked up, and working triple shifts, and being fueled by a endless stream of tankers which provide fuel for our pain, that we are capable of creating enormous amounts of the stuff. That which is going on has no connection to the outside or anything outside of you – that pain is being made by *you*. Eventually, you might look and see where that pain is being made – you might actually see, in your heart, that cranking, stoking factory inside you that is producing all that pain. Seeing it might be the first step. It may take a long time, but I suspect that the pain factory has an off switch somewhere, and by fumbling around in the dark, banging our knees and shins on all the leftover stuff that was left lying around, and overcoming our fear of the dark and feeling carefully with our hearts along the wall of our inner soul, I wonder if someday, not today, tomarrow or even anytime we can think of – we might be able to find that switch and turn it off. Peace for you – BD
Response:
When my husband left me I was overwhelmed many times too. The pain would wash over me so thick that I practically suffocated, and I didn’t care if I woke up the next day. I have never felt such wrenching agony in my life, and to have it caused by someone I loved and trusted made it almost unbearable. That was three years ago, and I still have an overtone of sadness in my mood, and occasionally the tears come when I am alone at night and aching to be held again. We must move on, and move through it. What choice do we have. One day runs into the next. Some days I have the energy to get things accomplished. Other days I just want to pull the covers over my head. I am an attractive woman, with two great sons to raise, an excellent job and caring friends. I miss the one thing I don’t have, mutual adult love, and I live with resignation, that this is the life I have been handed for now. It’s not fair. But it is, what it is. I have had some thrilling moments– short-lived love affairs and a tropical island or two– which I would not have had if married. I’ve learned to pray. Sometimes I get answers, most often I feel abandoned, but always believe there is something more complex, more wonderful, beyond what we understand that keeps me going. The life I was given is precious. I have a duty to continue. To learn. To grow in character. I am not yet ahead of the game, but eventually I will be. When I finally get back on my feet, and can get some extra energy after working all day and raising my boys, I should spend my spare time being charitable to others. Perhaps a lonely senior citizen. I learned too late the lessons of loneliness to be more thoughtful of my late grandmother. Perhaps I can make it up to her with others, and heal myself in the process. I write this to let you know that I understand, as only someone who has been there can. Breathe deep, and keep your expectations reasonable. There is no time table. Take the time you need. Best Wishes, Shawn
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I’m not having a good night ,for some reason the pain threatens to overwhelm me tonight , No matter what i do i cant stop the pain ,what tentative control i had i seem to be loosing ,Nothing "special" has happened , i have had no contact with my thrice damned ex , I had a pretty good day at work . But for some reason this evening i cannot sleep and i cannot control the hurting. I am alive . But why bother ? What good is life without someone to care for ? Please dont tell me that i have to like myself , it is well documented that i do not do that and i never have . I can live with the fact that i am starting over, and the anticipation of dating is a thrill ,I am not just sitting home alone wasting away ,Well i have continued to loose weight and i still have little or no appetite ,Hell I’ve lost 45 pounds and look better than i have in years . I think its the realization that I have nothing , absolutely nothing ,to look forward to but more pain, Why bother ? sometimes its ok just to quit ,hell people do it all the time . Sorry everybody . I’m just tired of trying ,and most of all i am tired of being alone when i cry
Response:
Why does being with someone (CONTINUALLY), makes one think of oneself as a WHOLE PERSON. We enter the port hole of life alone and we exit basically the same way. Couldn’t one be attached to another at spurts of time, with intervals, in between calendar dates. Not be together for months at a time, then come together an be like, you’ve never been apart…. What does it feel like to court, spend a night together, awaken with desire being fulfilled, have breakfast, call each other at the job, have dinner, make love than go to sleep next to one another, awaken in the morning with desire being fulfilled again, and so on and so on and so on? Just going with the F*L*O*W. The bible says, If I have a desire for another sexually, MARRY, so not to burn. So if I marry, will the marriage F*L*O*W continuously, without spurts in time, no intervals, every calendar date, months, years, never be apart? Tell me something, Isn’t the pursuit of happiness an on-going process. This is my though process in action. I am a WHOLE person, alone. GOD BLESS YOU AND HAVE A NICE DAY.
Response:
You description of being "whole" and coming together just for fulfillment of desire is not love or marriage, but casual sex. When you emotionally bond with someone, it is much greater than that, and you fuse with that person spiritually. I will never feel whole unless I am spiritually bonded to someone I love, and who loves me. What you prefer is of course fine for you, but I believe rather rare, and rather lonely.
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Why does being with someone (CONTINUALLY), makes one think of oneself as a WHOLE PERSON. We enter the port hole of life alone and we exit basically the same way. Couldn’t one be attached to another at spurts of time, with intervals, in between calendar dates. Not be together for months at a time, then come together an be like, you’ve never been apart…. What does it feel like to court, spend a night together, awaken with desire being fulfilled, have breakfast, call each other at the job, have dinner, make love than go to sleep next to one another, awaken in the morning with desire being fulfilled again, and so on and so on and so on? Just going with the F*L*O*W. The bible says, If I have a desire for another sexually, MARRY, so not to burn. So if I marry, will the marriage F*L*O*W continuously, without spurts in time, no intervals, every calendar date, months, years, never be apart? Tell me something, Isn’t the pursuit of happiness an on-going process. This is my though process in action. I am a WHOLE person, alone. GOD BLESS YOU AND HAVE A NICE DAY.
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