Question:
Hello to all of you in AAR I don’t really know what to say at this point, except that it is time for me to remember and to heal. I have been separated from my sometimes violent husband for 1 week now. We were together for 5 years, and the first couple of years there were a number of times he hit me or did other abusive things towards me. Over the past 3 years, he gave up violence like a convert, but has been emotionally/verbally abusive towards me, and also towards our son. He has been manipulative and coercive. I’m more than a little shy so I don’t want to say much more yet, at least not in public. This year, I found a therapist, who has helped a great deal, and a lawyer, who was most definitely required. I took off one week ago, an am now back in the house, and he has left and got a new home. I guess what I want to talk about here are a couple of things. First, how does one rediscover oneself that has been lost during years of oppression? I no longer have much of an idea of who I am. I don’t really know if I am good at anything, as I have certainly been told that I am not. I just don’t know who ‘me’ is anymore. Second, how does one deal with flashbacks? I have (from time to time) had a terrible time dealing with the memories of the actual violence. I mean that I could admit that the violence had occurred, but I could never remember exactly what had happened. Now I have moments where I can remember it so clearly, that it seems like I am there again. How do I find a way to feel safe again, and not wake up in the middle of the night in terror? Thanks everybody for your help. I guess that some of this belongs in another newsgroup, but I guess this seemed like a warmer place than the one I recently left (due to some really extreme nastiness that I found incredibly intimidating) Shy R.
Response:
-Hello to all of you in AAR -I don’t really know what to say at this point, except that it is time -for me to remember and to heal. I have been separated from my -sometimes violent husband for 1 week now. We were together for 5 -years, and the first couple of years there were a number of times he -hit me or did other abusive things towards me. Welcome to aar, Shy R. I think you will find this place to be a good part of your healing. I know I have. -Over the past 3 years, he gave up violence like a convert, but has -been emotionally/verbally abusive towards me, and also towards our -son. He has been manipulative and coercive. I’m more than a little -shy so I don’t want to say much more yet, at least not in public. That’s understandable. Don’t say any more than you feel comfortable with. As you get to know us, and allow us to get to know you, you will probably feel more comfortable talking about whatever is bothering you. The folks here are pretty supportive, for the most part. -This year, I found a therapist, who has helped a great deal, and a -lawyer, who was most definitely required. That is terrific! I know I wouldn’t be where I am today without the help of a therapist. I have moved, so I don’t currently have one, but will be getting another one as soon as possible. It sounds like you’re taking the steps necessary to help yourself recover. Be proud of yourself. 
-I took off one week ago, an am now back in the house, and he has left -and got a new home. -I guess what I want to talk about here are a couple of things. First, -how does one rediscover oneself that has been lost during years of -oppression? I no longer have much of an idea of who I am. I don’t -really know if I am good at anything, as I have certainly been told -that I am not. I just don’t know who ‘me’ is anymore. Now that you’re in a safe place, it’s time to start listening to yourself. I have found that music really helps me get in touch with who I am. What types of music, or books, or movies, or activity really make you feel different? What sorts of things really touch your soul? Those would be the things you should focus on. Writing (poetry, essays, stories, whatever) has also been a source of self-learning for many people. Are there any artistic things you’re interested in? Do what you love, and then review that, and see if you can gain any self-insight. -Second, how does one deal with flashbacks? I have (from time to time) -had a terrible time dealing with the memories of the actual violence. -I mean that I could admit that the violence had occurred, but I could -never remember exactly what had happened. Now I have moments where I -can remember it so clearly, that it seems like I am there again. Flashbacks are a toughie. I needed the therapist for those. -How do I find a way to feel safe again, and not wake up in the middle -of the night in terror? Again, that was a therapy issue, for me. -Thanks everybody for your help. I guess that some of this belongs in -another newsgroup, but I guess this seemed like a warmer place than -the one I recently left (due to some really extreme nastiness that I -found incredibly intimidating) I have found this to be my favorite recovery group. It was my first one, and I added a few others, but ended up leaving them as well. But this one I’ll keep. I love the people, and even when I find I need to take a break from it, the people here have always welcomed me back with open arms (open keyboards? hehe). Everything you have said so far is quite appropriate for this group. -Shy R. Good luck, Shy R, and keep talking. I believe it really does help. Val
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