Trauma – PTSD

Question:

: I feel really self-centered and annoying right now too. But I also feel : like I just don’t have much to give to anyone or anything right now either. : I don’t like feeling like this. julia, i can really identify with this. i’ve been having some panic and flashes, too. i think part of it for me is the stress in my life right now. my sister is mid-crisis again, and i am trying to be there for her. is it possible that some of this might be related to stress? i mean, you’ve had a lot going on, like getting a new job, being sick, looking at your relationship with jp, not to mention the holidays. i find that when i’m really really tired and all my reserves are used up i start panicking. like, say, now. anyhow, silverhugs if you want ‘em… silverleaf — — Do not run. We are your friends. *bzort*

Response:

Hi Julia, I’ve been feeling kind of out of the loop the last week or so. I haven’t had much to say in any of the threads. I haven’t had much to say anywhere it feels like. Not in private e-mail back to my friends or to people in person.

I’ve been meaning to write to you for a while, and say how much I appreciate all that you write.  My perception is that you are very articulate, and it helps me just to watch you share your struggles. <snip about flashbacks and PTSD It sucked.

Yah!  Having just had my first flashback, after dealing with this crap for 7-8 years, i can relate.   Boy, I really don’t wanna go there again. Unfortunately, i’m beginning to understand that i’ve got to let it go where it goes.  I’m glad to hear you gave yourself permission to not go to work, even though you ended up going. I feel really self-centered and annoying right now too. But I also feel like I just don’t have much to give to anyone or anything right now either. I don’t like feeling like this.

Me too.  My nature is to be giving and supportive and all that, and it feels so …incorrect.. when i’m *not* feeling like that.  So, since I have a little to spare at the moment, please let me offer you the thought that you are helping (i.e., giving) me by saying how you feel.  Most of my favorite people (and role models) are often self-centered and annoying. wishing you comfort, tigerbunny

Response:

Hi everyone. I’ve been feeling kind of out of the loop the last week or so. I haven’t had much to say in any of the threads. I haven’t had much to say anywhere it feels like. Not in private e-mail back to my friends or to people in person. Ever since last week’s big revelation – or whatever it was, I’ve been feeling pretty emotionally worn out and "empty". About two years ago my therapist I was seeing said it seemed as though I’d moved past the post-traumatic stress syndrome from my childhood and gone onto a kind of grieving/processing stage. But this last week or so has felt alot like back in the days of flashbacks. This morning I was getting ready to go to work and I started feeling really panicky. I started panicking that I might get sick (it’s like my phobia of being sick in public is totally in my face right now) then – knowing that wasn’t a "real" fear I tried to talk myself down from it and started crying. JP asked me what was wrong and all I could think of was, "I don’t wanna go to work! They’ll be mean to me!" and I was feeling *really* upset about it. But you know – where I work now the people *aren’t* mean to me. But I was having visual flashes in my head of doctors from the clinic I went to as a kid. And just feeling a huge fear – in retrospect of my parents. So – this is all feeling very PTSD-like and it was really hard to function this morning. I got my coat on and was ready to go out the door to work and then had to sit down cause I started crying so hard again. Then I "pulled myself together" enough to walk out the door, but half a block from my house I was shaking so hard and nauseous that I turned around and walked back. Then – I guess cause I gave myself permission to not go if I couldn’t, I felt alittle better and turned around and went to work. The first two hours I had to remember to breath evenly and I kept shaking and having these hot/cold sweat flashes I get with panic attacks. It sucked. So – I’m feeling really tired and frustrated and like I’m still pretty injured. I don’t feel like I have the energy to resume all this flashback crap. It’s not like I’m remembering anything I don’t already know – but I feel like the flood gates are opening on MORE feelings. Like I haven’t already cried for years on end – everyday for a couple of those years. Urgh. I feel really self-centered and annoying right now too. But I also feel like I just don’t have much to give to anyone or anything right now either. I don’t like feeling like this. Julia Julia * http://havoc.gtf.gatech.edu/tankgrrl "Oh God, Mulder, it smells like… I think it’s bile." "Is there any way I can get it off my fingers quickly  without betraying my cool exterior?"

Response:

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