Question:
You and I (The veiled, bride and the unveiled Christ)The least of the.. The veil of interpretation is what hides "THE YOU" from "THE ME" We should never have felt shame or blame Remember the pain in the Garden (Eden, Sin, Separation) (Male female You, I) Remember you chose to live alone and hide yourself behind your tears (veil of interpretation) Like a veil you are hiding yourself from me I’m waiting, I’m waiting at the door between our two houses (dimensions, holy place , holy of holies, veil separating two rooms , you and I , ) Until the MOMENT (in a twinkle, in the moment) you take me back Why does she hide herself from me? Remember the covenant we share? REMEMBER ..we created the sunrise to remind us how to start new. The smallest of points alters the largest of equations and renders all interpretations MEANINGLESS WILD HEARTS THE TIME IS RIGHT THE SUN IS CHASING AWAY THE NIGHT AND THE BATTLE WILL BE WON WITHOUT A FIGHT CAUSE NO ONE’S WRONG AND NO ONE’S RIGHT YOU SEE THE BAPTIST WAS NO WIND SWEPT REED HIS HEART WAS SOWN FROM A WILD SEED AND EVERYWHERE THAT JESUS WENT FEW UNDERSTOOD WHAT HE REALLY SAID BUT THERE IS COMING A TIME AND IT IS DRAWING NEAR WHEN WITHIN THERE HEARTS ALL MEN WILL PEER NO LONGER WILL THEY SAY THE TRUTH IS OVER THERE FOR THE WORD OF GOD HAS BEEN VERY NEAR EVEN IN OUR HEARTS AND IN OUR MOUTHS YOU DON’T NEED A TEACHER. …. .
Response:
I think I understand fear of intimacy to be a situation where one does not really love themselves and must reject anyone who tries to love them. Not exactly. The person who has been traumatized, abused, etc., in childhood does not see "love" as benevolent. Love is inextricably combined with danger, risk, terror, abandonment, abuse.
Karen, Thanx, That really helped a lot. Fits exactly with some things she has said. Tell me more. See my latest post. Dave
Response:
. Then we moved overseas, she went off the pill and suddenly she’s telling me I am not capable of meeting her needs and I never will be and she must get out of this relationship.
I don’t know the particulars of your situation overseas but as an American wife with 5 years in Asia under her belt I can tell you that it’s incredibly difficult to move away from everything familiar. If you want to discuss it further post to me here.
Response:
I think I understand fear of intimacy to be a situation where one does not really love themselves and must reject anyone who tries to love them.
Not exactly. The person who has been traumatized, abused, etc., in childhood does not see "love" as benevolent. Love is inextricably combined with danger, risk, terror, abandonment, abuse. I saw signs of that much earlier in our relationship. But how does someone mask that for years and build a life with someone who loves them deeply and then chicken out. It happened so fast. Last year we bought our second house together as part of a long range plan to provide for our children. Our relationship was at a peak. Everything was great from the bankbook to the bedroom. Then we moved overseas, she went off the pill and suddenly she’s telling me I am not capable of meeting her needs and I never will be and she must get out of this relationship.
Often when things are "going better" the person collapses because the stakes have gotten higher. My take on this is that your wife does not feel safe financially, emotionally, and she’s very scared. I hope you will continue in therapy and reading some psychology about post-traumatic stress disorder, childhood abuse, alcoholism, because then you will better understand what is going on in her head. best, Karen
Response:
Daisy, Thanx for the feedback. It helps me figure out what I’m doing and why. and it reminds me to be grateful that my children are healthy. I hope this is the beginning of a good chapter in your life. I am not staying in a bad marriage for the children but I am willing to work very hard to fix the marriage for the sake of the children. I think there’s a difference. Ultimately I need to be in a good relationship, I’d prefer it be with the mother of my kids and I’ll go the extra mile to meet that end. That’s why i’m looking for info on fear of intimacy. I compare it to substance abuse. If she were a drunk I would care for the kids while she went to rehab, keep booze out of the house, support rehabilitation etc. Instead she is unable to love and be loved. I did the co-dependant thing for a long time. Always jumping thru hoops, trying to change for her etc. This worked as long as I stayed screwed up. When I really started to fix things for my own sake she went south in a hurry. Now she is lonely and angry and deeply wounded by life. I’d like to see her get better. If she doesn’t I’ll get over it and move on. I don’t plan give this exercise more than another six months before I pull the plug. Does that make sense? Thanx Dave Dave – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – You can take this for whatever value it may mean to you. You state that you are only trying to work things out for the children….it doesn’t work that way,
Response:
You can take this for whatever value it may mean to you. You state that you are only trying to work things out for the children….it doesn’t work that way, believe me I am a good example of that. For four years I tried to make my husband love me, want me, care for me….I was treated like a stranger in my own home. I put myself into my daycare work and my two children, then ages 10 and 17. For four years I lived like this until last summer my oldest son, then 21 died in a car accident. My life was over, I not only lost my son….my marriage went too. You cannot live your life for your children…they will be as miserable as you are. If you really love your wife and want to try and make things work by all means do so. but do not stay in the marriage just for the children. It won’t work, believe me I know! My divorce was finalized on Friday, April 10th. Daisy – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Greetings, I posted the following to a few other support groups and got some terrific feedback. I’m looking for feedback (particularly from women) who have dealt with severe theitr own fear of intimacy. We’ve been married for 13 years, we have three children. My wife has decided in recent months that I am the source of all her problems and she wants a divorce. (Actually she doesn’t want a divorce but she wants to be away from me). Over the years we have dealt with a lot of stuff and I thought we were making good progress. We are both from deeply screwed up families, alcohol, abuse, incest, suicide etc. I know there are two sides to every marriage so I’ll try to keep it objective and ask y’all to take it at face value. We’ve been in therepy for a few months but I had to really push her to go and she skips a lot of appointments. She is convinced the problems are all my fault. I am not denying that. I seek to understand how my childhood affects who I am today and what I need to fix. In other words; I know I’m screwed up. Debbie (not her real name) has a degree in social work so she knows too much to deny that her mothers suicide at age 11 and her fathers insanity have affected her but she won’t cop to any specific problem except that she is not capable of loving me and she says she never did. We had a lot great times over the years so I can’t really believe that. I think I understand fear of intimacy to be a situation where one does not really love themselves and must reject anyone who tries to love them. I saw signs of that much earlier in our relationship. But how does someone mask that for years and build a life with someone who loves them deeply and then chicken out. It happened so fast. Last year we bought our second house together as part of a long range plan to provide for our children. Our relationship was at a peak. Everything was great from the bankbook to the bedroom. Then we moved overseas, she went off the pill and suddenly she’s telling me I am not capable of meeting her needs and I never will be and she must get out of this relationship. Even our therepist is baffled. We thought there would be some improvement after I moved out of the house to give her some space. But she seems self-propelled toward ending the relationship. She has manipulated the situation beautifullay. After she first told me it was over I really freaked. I made big mistakes with money, forgot to pay the car insurance and got very angry. Now she describes these events to her friends and they validate her decision to leave me. She refuses to listen to our therepist or our friends who know both sides of the tale. I’d appreciate hearing from anyone who can shed some light on this. I’m not looking for sympathy. I am mostly done being angry and hurt about this and I’m trying to focus on what my wife needs. I know getting rid of me isn’t going to make her happy. I am done trying to hold this relationship together. If it weren’t for the children I never would have bothered with this posting. The question now is–what is going on in this persons head? and how do I avoid feeding into it? If she was an alcoholic I would keep booze out of the cupboard. I know there isn’t much I can do for her. But our lives will remain connected at least until the two-year old goes to college. By understanding how her head works I hope to foster a good environment for her to get better but I am NOT NOT NOT clinging to this relationship for my own sake. One of the things I learned from this nightmare is that I would really like to get something back for my efforts in a realtionship. I also learned that I am a deeply screwed up individual and I made it pretty easy for her to find fatal flaws in me around which she could justify pulling the plug. It was after I started dealing with these things that I saw her become more determined to leave. She is a control freak. I am the opposite to an extreme degree, almost an anarchist. I enjoy taking risks especially with people. I like to give my subordinates a goal and minimum amount of information to see what they come up with. I like it best when they discover solutions that I never would have thought of. These might be good traits in a boss but perhaps destructive in a relationship. I truly don’t know. In the coming months there are decisions to make. I need to do what’s best for the kdis, best for myself and best my wifes mental health. For instance. She thinks I am the cause of all her financial woes (we have good investments but we live paycheck to paycheck and we have for a very long time). That will get a lot worse if we try to set up seperate houses. I could kill myself to make that as painless as possible for her or just worry about myself and let her crash and burn. I do not want the role of providing aversion therepy for her. Tough choices. Thanx Dave
Response:
Greetings, I posted the following to a few other support groups and got some terrific feedback. I’m looking for feedback (particularly from women) who have dealt with severe theitr own fear of intimacy. We’ve been married for 13 years, we have three children. My wife has decided in recent months that I am the source of all her problems and she wants a divorce. (Actually she doesn’t want a divorce but she wants to be away from me). Over the years we have dealt with a lot of stuff and I thought we were making good progress. We are both from deeply screwed up families, alcohol, abuse, incest, suicide etc. I know there are two sides to every marriage so I’ll try to keep it objective and ask y’all to take it at face value. We’ve been in therepy for a few months but I had to really push her to go and she skips a lot of appointments. She is convinced the problems are all my fault. I am not denying that. I seek to understand how my childhood affects who I am today and what I need to fix. In other words; I know I’m screwed up. Debbie (not her real name) has a degree in social work so she knows too much to deny that her mothers suicide at age 11 and her fathers insanity have affected her but she won’t cop to any specific problem except that she is not capable of loving me and she says she never did. We had a lot great times over the years so I can’t really believe that. I think I understand fear of intimacy to be a situation where one does not really love themselves and must reject anyone who tries to love them. I saw signs of that much earlier in our relationship. But how does someone mask that for years and build a life with someone who loves them deeply and then chicken out. It happened so fast. Last year we bought our second house together as part of a long range plan to provide for our children. Our relationship was at a peak. Everything was great from the bankbook to the bedroom. Then we moved overseas, she went off the pill and suddenly she’s telling me I am not capable of meeting her needs and I never will be and she must get out of this relationship. Even our therepist is baffled. We thought there would be some improvement after I moved out of the house to give her some space. But she seems self-propelled toward ending the relationship. She has manipulated the situation beautifullay. After she first told me it was over I really freaked. I made big mistakes with money, forgot to pay the car insurance and got very angry. Now she describes these events to her friends and they validate her decision to leave me. She refuses to listen to our therepist or our friends who know both sides of the tale. I’d appreciate hearing from anyone who can shed some light on this. I’m not looking for sympathy. I am mostly done being angry and hurt about this and I’m trying to focus on what my wife needs. I know getting rid of me isn’t going to make her happy. I am done trying to hold this relationship together. If it weren’t for the children I never would have bothered with this posting. The question now is–what is going on in this persons head? and how do I avoid feeding into it? If she was an alcoholic I would keep booze out of the cupboard. I know there isn’t much I can do for her. But our lives will remain connected at least until the two-year old goes to college. By understanding how her head works I hope to foster a good environment for her to get better but I am NOT NOT NOT clinging to this relationship for my own sake. One of the things I learned from this nightmare is that I would really like to get something back for my efforts in a realtionship. I also learned that I am a deeply screwed up individual and I made it pretty easy for her to find fatal flaws in me around which she could justify pulling the plug. It was after I started dealing with these things that I saw her become more determined to leave. She is a control freak. I am the opposite to an extreme degree, almost an anarchist. I enjoy taking risks especially with people. I like to give my subordinates a goal and minimum amount of information to see what they come up with. I like it best when they discover solutions that I never would have thought of. These might be good traits in a boss but perhaps destructive in a relationship. I truly don’t know. In the coming months there are decisions to make. I need to do what’s best for the kdis, best for myself and best my wifes mental health. For instance. She thinks I am the cause of all her financial woes (we have good investments but we live paycheck to paycheck and we have for a very long time). That will get a lot worse if we try to set up seperate houses. I could kill myself to make that as painless as possible for her or just worry about myself and let her crash and burn. I do not want the role of providing aversion therepy for her. Tough choices. Thanx Dave
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