Question:
>Being afraid that I was humiliating myself in the process >would be the least of my worries. MJ
Well, me either. But we weren’t talking about what *we* would do in the situation. I read the OP as saying that we should expect/demand our spouse to humiliate themselves. If that’s what they want to do, but to require it? Nah. Not me. — Tracey —– "All a parent, *any* parent, can do is give it their best shot, right or wrong. The actual outcome rests on so many variables, no single person can assume responsibility, blame or praise for whatever happens…. We’ve got to remember not to try to shoulder the blame for what other people do…." –Aahz–
Response:
>Until he has groveled and begged and pleaded with you to forgive >him and asked your children to forgive him, he has no right to >say anyone is over anything.
Well, I don’t think total abject humiliation is required. Sincerity? Yes. — Tracey —– "All a parent, *any* parent, can do is give it their best shot, right or wrong. The actual outcome rests on so many variables, no single person can assume responsibility, blame or praise for whatever happens…. We’ve got to remember not to try to shoulder the blame for what other people do…." –Aahz–
Response:
In article <38E202B2.5C28D…@mediaone.net>, Tracey <rbranc…@mediaone.net> wrote: >>Until he has groveled and begged and pleaded with you to forgive >>him and asked your children to forgive him, he has no right to >>say anyone is over anything. >Well, I don’t think total abject humiliation is required. Sincerity? >Yes. >– >Tracey
Total abject humiliation, maybe not. *Some* wouldn’t hurt. After all, he put himself above his wife and their marriage and humiliated her. If I truly made a serious mistake and later came to my senses, there wouldn’t be enough ways for me to say I was sorry. Being afraid that I was humiliating myself in the process would be the least of my worries. MJ * Sent from RemarQ http://www.remarq.com The Internet’s Discussion Network * The fastest and easiest way to search and participate in Usenet – Free!
Response:
SoEmpty wrote: > I have experienced pain in it’s rawest form. The moral to my story > is—-don’t be a chicken-shit, selfish-assed > bastard or bitch. Have some morals and values about yourself and go do the > right thing. If you want someone else, get out and let your spouse get on > with their life. Don’t just hang on to the spouse until you are sure that > someone else will have you. Hell, you took a big enough chance with the > affair. Be a thrillseeker and get a divorce first then see if you can find > someone that will have you. Chances are they are not going to put up with > half as much from you because they don’t love you like your spouse and > children do. And once you have done something so bad as to have an affair, > your spouse will never be able to see you in any other light but a liar and > a cheat. It is very hard to rebuild after that. > Gee, that felt good. Thanks for letting me sound off.
You’re welcome, and I certainly agree with what you’ve written. Drew
Response:
<snip> And you know, my husband keeps telling me that we have moved beyond all of >this when I feel down and depressed about all that happened. I guess he has >moved beyond it, but I have not been able to do so as yet. When he tells me >this, it is like he is invalidating all of my pain and I resent that. I >lost his affection, his love, his honesty, his loyalty, his time, etc. And >what did he lose? Not a damn thing.
<snip> I’m a first time poster here, so you know this really got to me. Until he has groveled and begged and pleaded with you to forgive him and asked your children to forgive him, he has no right to say anyone is over anything. He did this to you. He put you through this. It is his responsibility to help you get over it, not simply expect you to get over it. Emotions don’t know anything about the passing of time. I liken this to post-traumatic stress disorder. Watching your marriage, trust, family, children, life, love, hopes go down the tubes is traumatic! My husband left me briefly and a year later, I still have nightmares almost every single night. I’d love to get over it. But, there is closure missing. I know that; and he won’t accept it. He thinks his coming back says it all, but he won’t say the words and that’s what I need. I need (and I hate this word) validation. I really do feel for you in all your pain and heartbreak. You sound like a wonderful person and I wish you the best. MJ * Sent from RemarQ http://www.remarq.com The Internet’s Discussion Network * The fastest and easiest way to search and participate in Usenet – Free!
Response:
I just wish people who engaged in affairs would realize and accept the responsibility for the pain they inflict on their husbands, wives, and families. It goes so deep. It not just, boo hoo he or she doesn’t love me anymore. It is much more than that. It is trying to figure out just what part of your relationship was real. Or was it? It is the need to know all the details in an effort to understand and get to know the person you thought you knew but didn’t really after all. It is trying to let the one you loved go and move on, yet trying to understand when and where mistakes were made and by whom that may have contributed to the affair. It is the most painful feeling in the world to know that you shared everything with this person only to have them defile any innocence by sharing all that was promised to be exclusive to you with someone else. Why the hell don’t these people just tell their spouse that the relationship is lacking to the point where they want someone else and get a divorce? I think the pain of being told that and going through a divorce would be more humane than what my children and I have suffered with my husbands affair. I must go through every day of my life now facing those who know that I was picked over, including the other woman. My children, the teenagers, figured out what was going on and to this day they don’t understand why their mother has allowed him to stay in the home and try to work things out. Both of them are boys, and the affair has ruined their relationship with their father. They have all but relieved their father of his protective role because he hurt me so bad. They do not feel that he is worthy of looking out for my best interests. Isn’t it sad that these young men feel so compelled to assume the role of an adult because their father acted like such a child? I am so thankful that our youngest, a girl, is too young to know what was going on. I hate the thought of her ever having to endure this kind of pain if her future husband ever decides to have an affair. I think I would rather kill him and make him disappear than for her to know how she had been betrayed. It is that painful. Now having described this to members of this newsgroup, I hope you will all take my pain to heart and work hard to spare your families this torture. If you think you need to look elsewhere, for God’s sake, be a man or woman and be honest with your spouse before you seek out a relationship with someone else. Don’t ad insult to injury by sharing yourself with someone else and then coming home to sleep with your spouse. It’s a chicken-shit thing to do. And you know, my husband keeps telling me that we have moved beyond all of this when I feel down and depressed about all that happened. I guess he has moved beyond it, but I have not been able to do so as yet. When he tells me this, it is like he is invalidating all of my pain and I resent that. I lost his affection, his love, his honesty, his loyalty, his time, etc. And what did he lose? Not a damn thing. He still had a home, a warm bed, a wife, his children, my income in addition to his, someone to keep his house, do his laundry, and take care of his children when he was off making time with the other woman. He was willing to divorce me and leave his own children to go and become daddy to the other womans kids. That is the sorriest thing of all. He would choose to be a part-time dad to his own children in favor of building a life with the other woman and her children. And guess what? He chose a woman who had a reputation for being the town whore over me, a respectable woman, wife and mother of his children. Not to mention the fact that she was not nearly as attractive as I am. I guess she was a better person on the inside or something. I have experienced pain in it’s rawest form. The moral to my story is—-don’t be a chicken-shit, selfish-assed bastard or bitch. Have some morals and values about yourself and go do the right thing. If you want someone else, get out and let your spouse get on with their life. Don’t just hang on to the spouse until you are sure that someone else will have you. Hell, you took a big enough chance with the affair. Be a thrillseeker and get a divorce first then see if you can find someone that will have you. Chances are they are not going to put up with half as much from you because they don’t love you like your spouse and children do. And once you have done something so bad as to have an affair, your spouse will never be able to see you in any other light but a liar and a cheat. It is very hard to rebuild after that. Gee, that felt good. Thanks for letting me sound off. So Empty
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