Question:
Need to vent some stuff that’s spinning around in my head. Brief spoiler, for talk of mental health issues, and passing reference to s*xual abuse history, et al. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * (be safe, ‘kay?) * * Tomorrow (8/15), I have an appointment for a "diagnostic interview" with a psychiatrist contracted through Social Security. Over 200 pages of documentation regarding my disability have already been submitted by me and my care providers, but Social Security wants to get an update, since the last time I could afford an appointment with a psych was in January of 2003. It makes sense, I guess, but I’m still nervous. Thankfully, the psych is a female, so that makes it somewhat less threatening. Still, I have this cold, nauseated and shaky feeling, wondering if perhaps I’m just *lazy* – rather than truly disabled. I became unable to work in July of 2002, when I was taken (against my will) to the ER for severe asthma and anxiety. I had been having serious asthma issues because of remodeling/construction in the work environment, and so I was on numerous meds – many of which had stimulant properties (albuterol, oral steroids, et al). These meds made me jumpier than I normally was, and then when I began having serious problems breathing, it also became a horrific anxiety attack on top of everything else. Prior to last year’s ER visits, I had not been losing time, and in fact felt as if things had gotten to a place looking very much like integration. However, last year’s events (and one particularly cruel male doctor, who demanded *detailed* information about our sexual abuse history, and then dismissed us as hypochondriacal) served as a catalyst for a melt-down. My official diagnosis is Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Acute Anxiety Disorder, and Severe Depression. All of this dovetails rather pathologically with my past, because my m*ther loved to tell me that I was "crazy." (FYI, I learned that my mother had been told I was dissociative at around age 10, but then decided that couldn’t be true.) I am grateful that my partner Cheryl has the day off, and she’s going with me to the appointment. I know she won’t be able to actually be present during the interview, but at least she’ll be there in the lobby when I’m done. I think lunch at our favorite Mexican restaurant will be in order, complete with a virgin strawberry margarita! The guy with the Disability Determination Service (who actually does the investigation for the Social Security disability claim) seems like a compassionate person. He hasn’t been mean or rude, which I really appreciate. And I *do* understand why needs the information. It’s just terrifying to have the whole thing hinge on the say-so of this psychiatrist. What if she doesn’t believe me? What if she somehow decides that we are "just fine" and should be working? We’re at the end of our rope, financially, and need this situation resolved. There’s not much I can do besides show up and be as forthcoming as possible about the present situation. Still, I am shaky and weak-kneed in anticipation of tomorrow’s appointment. Ugh. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. If you read this far, I apologize for the lengthy, rambling post. Peace be with you, Joanne & Elizabeth of the VG/LW tribe
Response:
Sorry you have to go through this red-tape stuff, which is a bureaucratic "necessity" for "them" but a nightmare for you. We get a sense of great strength in you, and believe that you will make it through and be okay. As far as the outcome – we have no "rational" basis on which to make this claim, but we sense that it will be okay. We sense that the genuine nature of your state will be felt and that the sensitivity of the person you see after the first person will find in your favor. (We don’t want to come off sounding like some pay-per-view fortune teller – but we do sometimes get given foresight about health issues, in cases where we feel we can give someone a positive word. We think this may be our first interaction w/you – ? So please don’t think we are trying to come off as nutso or otherworldly – just – well, we think it will be okay, and we feel it from a deep place.) Beauty. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Need to vent some stuff that’s spinning around in my head. Brief spoiler, for talk of mental health issues, and passing reference to s*xual abuse history, et al. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * (be safe, ‘kay?) * * Tomorrow (8/15), I have an appointment for a "diagnostic interview" with a psychiatrist contracted through Social Security. Over 200 pages of documentation regarding my disability have already been submitted by me and my care providers, but Social Security wants to get an update, since the last time I could afford an appointment with a psych was in January of 2003. It makes sense, I guess, but I’m still nervous. Thankfully, the psych is a female, so that makes it somewhat less threatening. Still, I have this cold, nauseated and shaky feeling, wondering if perhaps I’m just *lazy* – rather than truly disabled. I became unable to work in July of 2002, when I was taken (against my will) to the ER for severe asthma and anxiety. I had been having serious asthma issues because of remodeling/construction in the work environment, and so I was on numerous meds – many of which had stimulant properties (albuterol, oral steroids, et al). These meds made me jumpier than I normally was, and then when I began having serious problems breathing, it also became a horrific anxiety attack on top of everything else. Prior to last year’s ER visits, I had not been losing time, and in fact felt as if things had gotten to a place looking very much like integration. However, last year’s events (and one particularly cruel male doctor, who demanded *detailed* information about our sexual abuse history, and then dismissed us as hypochondriacal) served as a catalyst for a melt-down. My official diagnosis is Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Acute Anxiety Disorder, and Severe Depression. All of this dovetails rather pathologically with my past, because my m*ther loved to tell me that I was "crazy." (FYI, I learned that my mother had been told I was dissociative at around age 10, but then decided that couldn’t be true.) I am grateful that my partner Cheryl has the day off, and she’s going with me to the appointment. I know she won’t be able to actually be present during the interview, but at least she’ll be there in the lobby when I’m done. I think lunch at our favorite Mexican restaurant will be in order, complete with a virgin strawberry margarita! The guy with the Disability Determination Service (who actually does the investigation for the Social Security disability claim) seems like a compassionate person. He hasn’t been mean or rude, which I really appreciate. And I *do* understand why needs the information. It’s just terrifying to have the whole thing hinge on the say-so of this psychiatrist. What if she doesn’t believe me? What if she somehow decides that we are "just fine" and should be working? We’re at the end of our rope, financially, and need this situation resolved. There’s not much I can do besides show up and be as forthcoming as possible about the present situation. Still, I am shaky and weak-kneed in anticipation of tomorrow’s appointment. Ugh. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. If you read this far, I apologize for the lengthy, rambling post. Peace be with you, Joanne & Elizabeth of the VG/LW tribe
Response:
Thank you, Beauty, for your thoughtful and compassionate post. And no, you don’t sound like a pay-per-view fortune teller – far from it! :) (mini spoiler for brief reference to non-Chr*stian spirituality, just in case) * * * * * * The current situation is kinda weird, because I feel like a total weirdo compared to the so-called "normal" world because of my dissociation and related issues. And yet, I also feel like a weirdo at a.s.d. because I’m doing some really powerful spir*tual work, specifically within a shamanic framework (somewhat evocative of some Native American traditions), and I know that’s kinda "out there." But it’s been a powerful catalyst for deep and meaningful insight and healing. Anyway, I end up feeling like I don’t really belong anywhere. Some anonymous troll within the shamanism newsgroup flamed me recently, after I posted with heartfelt honesty about my situation (though I didn’t allude to my dissociation directly), and I was told I was a bad person, irresponsible and not acting with integrity – all because my life fell apart, and my car was repossessed. It’s not like I *asked* for this to happen, and it hasn’t been easy at ANY point along the way. I dunno. I’m feeling pretty depressed right now, so bear with me if I seem especially Eeyore-like in my outlook. Forgive my rambling, and thank you again for your kindness and compassion. It really meant a lot to see your supportive words. :) Joanne (with help from Wise One) of the VG/LW tribe
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Sorry you have to go through this red-tape stuff, which is a bureaucratic "necessity" for "them" but a nightmare for you. We get a sense of great strength in you, and believe that you will make it through and be okay. As far as the outcome – we have no "rational" basis on which to make this claim, but we sense that it will be okay. We sense that the genuine nature of your state will be felt and that the sensitivity of the person you see after the first person will find in your favor. (We don’t want to come off sounding like some pay-per-view fortune teller – but we do sometimes get given foresight about health issues, in cases where we feel we can give someone a positive word. We think this may be our first interaction w/you – ? So please don’t think we are trying to come off as nutso or otherworldly – just – well, we think it will be okay, and we feel it from a deep place.) Beauty. Need to vent some stuff that’s spinning around in my head. Brief spoiler, for talk of mental health issues, and passing reference to s*xual abuse history, et al. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * (be safe, ‘kay?) * * Tomorrow (8/15), I have an appointment for a "diagnostic interview" with a psychiatrist contracted through Social Security. Over 200 pages of documentation regarding my disability have already been submitted by me and my care providers, but Social Security wants to get an update, since the last time I could afford an appointment with a psych was in January of 2003. It makes sense, I guess, but I’m still nervous. Thankfully, the psych is a female, so that makes it somewhat less threatening. Still, I have this cold, nauseated and shaky feeling, wondering if perhaps I’m just *lazy* – rather than truly disabled. I became unable to work in July of 2002, when I was taken (against my will) to the ER for severe asthma and anxiety. I had been having serious asthma issues because of remodeling/construction in the work environment, and so I was on numerous meds – many of which had stimulant properties (albuterol, oral steroids, et al). These meds made me jumpier than I normally was, and then when I began having serious problems breathing, it also became a horrific anxiety attack on top of everything else. Prior to last year’s ER visits, I had not been losing time, and in fact felt as if things had gotten to a place looking very much like integration. However, last year’s events (and one particularly cruel male doctor, who demanded *detailed* information about our sexual abuse history, and then dismissed us as hypochondriacal) served as a catalyst for a melt-down. My official diagnosis is Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Acute Anxiety Disorder, and Severe Depression. All of this dovetails rather pathologically with my past, because my m*ther loved to tell me that I was "crazy." (FYI, I learned that my mother had been told I was dissociative at around age 10, but then decided that couldn’t be true.) I am grateful that my partner Cheryl has the day off, and she’s going with me to the appointment. I know she won’t be able to actually be present during the interview, but at least she’ll be there in the lobby when I’m done. I think lunch at our favorite Mexican restaurant will be in order, complete with a virgin strawberry margarita! The guy with the Disability Determination Service (who actually does the investigation for the Social Security disability claim) seems like a compassionate person. He hasn’t been mean or rude, which I really appreciate. And I *do* understand why needs the information. It’s just terrifying to have the whole thing hinge on the say-so of this psychiatrist. What if she doesn’t believe me? What if she somehow decides that we are "just fine" and should be working? We’re at the end of our rope, financially, and need this situation resolved. There’s not much I can do besides show up and be as forthcoming as possible about the present situation. Still, I am shaky and weak-kneed in anticipation of tomorrow’s appointment. Ugh. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. If you read this far, I apologize for the lengthy, rambling post. Peace be with you, Joanne & Elizabeth of the VG/LW tribe
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Thank you, Beauty, for your thoughtful and compassionate post. And no, you don’t sound like a pay-per-view fortune teller – far from it! :) (mini spoiler for brief reference to non-Chr*stian spirituality, just in case) * * * * * * The current situation is kinda weird, because I feel like a total weirdo compared to the so-called "normal" world because of my dissociation and related issues. And yet, I also feel like a weirdo at a.s.d. because I’m doing some really powerful spir*tual work, specifically within a shamanic framework (somewhat evocative of some Native American traditions), and I know that’s kinda "out there." But it’s been a powerful catalyst for deep and meaningful insight and healing.
Once again my path crosses with someone else here. I too have done this type of work and it was very powerful. Anyway, I end up feeling like I don’t really belong anywhere. Some
Well, ok, so you and I can go form our own group of ‘people who can’t possibly be crazy and who are dissy and like cool stuff’ Drat, that isn’t a neat acronysm… anonymous troll within the shamanism newsgroup flamed me recently, after I posted with heartfelt honesty about my situation (though I didn’t allude to my dissociation directly), and I was told I was a bad person, irresponsible and not acting with integrity – all because my life fell apart, and my car was repossessed. It’s not like I *asked* for this to happen, and it hasn’t been easy at ANY point along the way.
Well, remember an anonymous troll isn’t someone who likely has a clue about you or the group or the stuff you are talking about or anything. It’s not like they matter to you in any way. I say 
~~ to them! I dunno. I’m feeling pretty depressed right now, so bear with me if I seem especially Eeyore-like in my outlook. Forgive my rambling, and thank you again for your kindness and compassion. It really meant a lot to see your supportive words. :)
So, how was that psych interview you went to today? Rainbow Colors (Jill) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Joanne (with help from Wise One) of the VG/LW tribe Sorry you have to go through this red-tape stuff, which is a bureaucratic "necessity" for "them" but a nightmare for you. We get a sense of great strength in you, and believe that you will make it through and be okay. As far as the outcome – we have no "rational" basis on which to make this claim, but we sense that it will be okay. We sense that the genuine nature of your state will be felt and that the sensitivity of the person you see after the first person will find in your favor. (We don’t want to come off sounding like some pay-per-view fortune teller – but we do sometimes get given foresight about health issues, in cases where we feel we can give someone a positive word. We think this may be our first interaction w/you – ? So please don’t think we are trying to come off as nutso or otherworldly – just – well, we think it will be okay, and we feel it from a deep place.) Beauty. Need to vent some stuff that’s spinning around in my head. Brief spoiler, for talk of mental health issues, and passing reference to s*xual abuse history, et al. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * (be safe, ‘kay?) * * Tomorrow (8/15), I have an appointment for a "diagnostic interview" with a psychiatrist contracted through Social Security. Over 200 pages of documentation regarding my disability have already been submitted by me and my care providers, but Social Security wants to get an update, since the last time I could afford an appointment with a psych was in January of 2003. It makes sense, I guess, but I’m still nervous. Thankfully, the psych is a female, so that makes it somewhat less threatening. Still, I have this cold, nauseated and shaky feeling, wondering if perhaps I’m just *lazy* – rather than truly disabled. I became unable to work in July of 2002, when I was taken (against my will) to the ER for severe asthma and anxiety. I had been having serious asthma issues because of remodeling/construction in the work environment, and so I was on numerous meds – many of which had stimulant properties (albuterol, oral steroids, et al). These meds made me jumpier than I normally was, and then when I began having serious problems breathing, it also became a horrific anxiety attack on top of everything else. Prior to last year’s ER visits, I had not been losing time, and in fact felt as if things had gotten to a place looking very much like integration. However, last year’s events (and one particularly cruel male doctor, who demanded *detailed* information about our sexual abuse history, and then dismissed us as hypochondriacal) served as a catalyst for a melt-down. My official diagnosis is Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Acute Anxiety Disorder, and Severe Depression. All of this dovetails rather pathologically with my past, because my m*ther loved to tell me that I was "crazy." (FYI, I learned that my mother had been told I was dissociative at around age 10, but then decided that couldn’t be true.) I am grateful that my partner Cheryl has the day off, and she’s going with me to the appointment. I know she won’t be able to actually be present during the interview, but at least she’ll be there in the lobby when I’m done. I think lunch at our favorite Mexican restaurant will be in order, complete with a virgin strawberry margarita! The guy with the Disability Determination Service (who actually does the investigation for the Social Security disability claim) seems like a compassionate person. He hasn’t been mean or rude, which I really appreciate. And I *do* understand why needs the information. It’s just terrifying to have the whole thing hinge on the say-so of this psychiatrist. What if she doesn’t believe me? What if she somehow decides that we are "just fine" and should be working? We’re at the end of our rope, financially, and need this situation resolved. There’s not much I can do besides show up and be as forthcoming as possible about the present situation. Still, I am shaky and weak-kneed in anticipation of tomorrow’s appointment. Ugh. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. If you read this far, I apologize for the lengthy, rambling post. Peace be with you, Joanne & Elizabeth of the VG/LW tribe
– The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing we are becoming white light.
Response:
Oh, oh! (jumping up and down exuberantly) Maybe I’m not a *complete* weirdo after all! :D Jill, I am delighted to hear that you have also explored some of the things that I’m learning about. The deeper I delve into the shamanic reality, the more value I see within it. I am humbled, and yet blessed to know that my place in the cosmos is small in comparison to the larger realities (both seen and unseen). Helps me see my issues in perspective, I guess. I’d be delighted to have a private e-mail conversation about your own work in this area – would you be open to that? I know that shamanism is not On-Topic, and don’t want to randomize the asd group. (BTW, loved your idea about a group of "people who can’t possibly be crazy and who are dissy and like cool stuff." Where do I sign up?! ~laughter~) Thanks for the reality-check on the troll-like troller who flamed me. Normally, I would know better than to let it get under my skin. It’s just that I’ve been in a really vulnerable place, and I didn’t expect someone to be mean intentionally, when I’d admitted to already being in a great deal of pain. It says much about *their* pathologies, I guess. The appointment today actually went well. The woman who did the interview was compassionate and warm, and seemed rather shocked by the full horrors of my story – I’m sure everyone here knows how *that* feels. Kinda like, "Gee, thanks for pointing out that my childhood was like living in a psychotic clown circus 24×7. I feel so ~special~ now." We spend so much time trying to convince ourself(ves) and others that it really Wasn’t That Bad (trademark pending), it’s always kind of a shock to realize that if this stuff had happened to anyone else, I would probably be ill just from hearing the story. Anyway…. lalalalalalalalalalalala (fingers in my ears) The doc doing the exam said she would be doing her report in the next few days, and that she would actually try to get it done today. She also said she didn’t think we’d have any problem. Let’s hope that’s a good sign! Joanne, Elizabeth and Wise One (with wavies from Tracy) of the VG/LW tribe
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – The current situation is kinda weird, because I feel like a total weirdo compared to the so-called "normal" world because of my dissociation and related issues. And yet, I also feel like a weirdo at a.s.d. because I’m doing some really powerful spir*tual work, specifically within a shamanic framework (somewhat evocative of some Native American traditions), and I know that’s kinda "out there." But it’s been a powerful catalyst for deep and meaningful insight and healing. Once again my path crosses with someone else here. I too have done this type of work and it was very powerful. Anyway, I end up feeling like I don’t really belong anywhere. Some Well, ok, so you and I can go form our own group of ‘people who can’t possibly be crazy and who are dissy and like cool stuff’ Drat, that isn’t a neat acronysm… anonymous troll within the shamanism newsgroup flamed me recently, after I posted with heartfelt honesty about my situation (though I didn’t allude to my dissociation directly), and I was told I was a bad person, irresponsible and not acting with integrity – all because my life fell apart, and my car was repossessed. It’s not like I *asked* for this to happen, and it hasn’t been easy at ANY point along the way. Well, remember an anonymous troll isn’t someone who likely has a clue about you or the group or the stuff you are talking about or anything. It’s not like they matter to you in any way. I say ~~ to them! I dunno. I’m feeling pretty depressed right now, so bear with me if I seem especially Eeyore-like in my outlook. Forgive my rambling, and thank you again for your kindness and compassion. It really meant a lot to see your supportive words. :) So, how was that psych interview you went to today? Rainbow Colors (Jill)
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Thank you, Beauty, for your thoughtful and compassionate post. And no, you don’t sound like a pay-per-view fortune teller – far from it! :) (mini spoiler for brief reference to non-Chr*stian spirituality, just in case) * * * * * * The current situation is kinda weird, because I feel like a total weirdo compared to the so-called "normal" world because of my dissociation and related issues. And yet, I also feel like a weirdo at a.s.d. because I’m doing some really powerful spir*tual work, specifically within a shamanic framework (somewhat evocative of some Native American traditions), and I know that’s kinda "out there." But it’s been a powerful catalyst for deep and meaningful insight and healing. Once again my path crosses with someone else here. I too have done this type of work and it was very powerful.
me too. alluded to it in another post recently. can’t seem to get the brain together enough to do it these days though. 
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Anyway, I end up feeling like I don’t really belong anywhere. Some Well, ok, so you and I can go form our own group of ‘people who can’t possibly be crazy and who are dissy and like cool stuff’ Drat, that isn’t a neat acronysm… anonymous troll within the shamanism newsgroup flamed me recently, after I posted with heartfelt honesty about my situation (though I didn’t allude to my dissociation directly), and I was told I was a bad person, irresponsible and not acting with integrity – all because my life fell apart, and my car was repossessed. It’s not like I *asked* for this to happen, and it hasn’t been easy at ANY point along the way. Well, remember an anonymous troll isn’t someone who likely has a clue about you or the group or the stuff you are talking about or anything. It’s not like they matter to you in any way. I say ~~ to them!
on a shamanism ng?? just goes to show there are unfeeling people everywhere….. domino – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I dunno. I’m feeling pretty depressed right now, so bear with me if I seem especially Eeyore-like in my outlook. Forgive my rambling, and thank you again for your kindness and compassion. It really meant a lot to see your supportive words. :) So, how was that psych interview you went to today? Rainbow Colors (Jill)
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Thank you, Beauty, for your thoughtful and compassionate post. And no, you don’t sound like a pay-per-view fortune teller – far from it! :) (mini spoiler for brief reference to non-Chr*stian spirituality, just in case) * * * * * * The current situation is kinda weird, because I feel like a total weirdo compared to the so-called "normal" world because of my dissociation and related issues. And yet, I also feel like a weirdo at a.s.d. because I’m doing some really powerful spir*tual work, specifically within a shamanic framework (somewhat evocative of some Native American traditions), and I know that’s kinda "out there." But it’s been a powerful catalyst for deep and meaningful insight and healing. Once again my path crosses with someone else here. I too have done this type of work and it was very powerful. me too. alluded to it in another post recently.
Ditto here as well, VG/LW. You’re not a weirdo, least not here at asd you aren’t. :O) SofT
Response:
Oh, oh! (jumping up and down exuberantly) Maybe I’m not a *complete* weirdo after all! :D
Well, you might still be a complete weirdo, but so am I *huge grin* Jill, I am delighted to hear that you have also explored some of the things that I’m learning about. The deeper I delve into the shamanic reality, the more value I see within it. I am humbled, and yet blessed to know that my place in the cosmos is small in comparison to the larger realities (both seen and unseen). Helps me see my issues in perspective, I guess. I’d be delighted to have a private e-mail conversation about your own work in this area – would you be open to that? I know that shamanism is not On-Topic, and don’t want to randomize the asd group. (BTW, loved your idea about a group of "people who can’t possibly be crazy and who are dissy and like cool stuff." Where do I sign up?! ~laughter~)
Yes, we can talk about this in email but not in public. I have some really weird ‘rules’ around talking about this (The Grandmother is shaking her head sadly at this) so I have to talk to only one person at a time. *shrug* It’s a good thing I’m so ‘healthy’ and ‘cured’ and all that *wry smile* – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Thanks for the reality-check on the troll-like troller who flamed me. Normally, I would know better than to let it get under my skin. It’s just that I’ve been in a really vulnerable place, and I didn’t expect someone to be mean intentionally, when I’d admitted to already being in a great deal of pain. It says much about *their* pathologies, I guess. The appointment today actually went well. The woman who did the interview was compassionate and warm, and seemed rather shocked by the full horrors of my story – I’m sure everyone here knows how *that* feels. Kinda like, "Gee, thanks for pointing out that my childhood was like living in a psychotic clown circus 24×7. I feel so ~special~ now." We spend so much time trying to convince ourself(ves) and others that it really Wasn’t That Bad (trademark pending), it’s always kind of a shock to realize that if this stuff had happened to anyone else, I would probably be ill just from hearing the story. Anyway…. lalalalalalalalalalalala (fingers in my ears) The doc doing the exam said she would be doing her report in the next few days, and that she would actually try to get it done today. She also said she didn’t think we’d have any problem. Let’s hope that’s a good sign!
I once had a friend *waves to that friend* who said something like ‘well, it’s good but it also means I am _so_ screwed up it was that obvious’ 
Rainbow Colors (Jill) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Joanne, Elizabeth and Wise One (with wavies from Tracy) of the VG/LW tribe The current situation is kinda weird, because I feel like a total weirdo compared to the so-called "normal" world because of my dissociation and related issues. And yet, I also feel like a weirdo at a.s.d. because I’m doing some really powerful spir*tual work, specifically within a shamanic framework (somewhat evocative of some Native American traditions), and I know that’s kinda "out there." But it’s been a powerful catalyst for deep and meaningful insight and healing. Once again my path crosses with someone else here. I too have done this type of work and it was very powerful. Anyway, I end up feeling like I don’t really belong anywhere. Some Well, ok, so you and I can go form our own group of ‘people who can’t possibly be crazy and who are dissy and like cool stuff’ Drat, that isn’t a neat acronysm… anonymous troll within the shamanism newsgroup flamed me recently, after I posted with heartfelt honesty about my situation (though I didn’t allude to my dissociation directly), and I was told I was a bad person, irresponsible and not acting with integrity – all because my life fell apart, and my car was repossessed. It’s not like I *asked* for this to happen, and it hasn’t been easy at ANY point along the way. Well, remember an anonymous troll isn’t someone who likely has a clue about you or the group or the stuff you are talking about or anything. It’s not like they matter to you in any way. I say ~~ to them! I dunno. I’m feeling pretty depressed right now, so bear with me if I seem especially Eeyore-like in my outlook. Forgive my rambling, and thank you again for your kindness and compassion. It really meant a lot to see your supportive words. :) So, how was that psych interview you went to today? Rainbow Colors (Jill)
– The colors blend, the edges soften. Swirling and mixing we are becoming white light.
Response:
Thank you, SofT. I am deeply grateful for the acceptance and compassion that you and others have expressed in response to my ramblings. The support I have received here (and elsewhere) is helping me to trust that my journey has its own inherent value. There is no final destination, no end-point at which I will arrive and say, "There, now I’m done." Had a discussion with my daughter (age 19) on the concept of finding joy and beauty in each day, even in the face of significant challenges. Jen (daughter) stunned me, saying she sees me (us) as an incredibly wise and strong being. I laughed out loud, unable to comprehend just how she’d come to this conclusion, but mostly felt humbled and awed by her faith in me. Just goes to show you that each of us can inspire and encourage others, even as we face our own inner "dragons." Peace be with you, Joanne (with help from Wise One) of the VG/LW tribe "SofT" wrote … – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Once again my path crosses with someone else here. I too have done this type of work and it was very powerful. me too. alluded to it in another post recently. Ditto here as well, VG/LW. You’re not a weirdo, least not here at asd you aren’t. :O) SofT
Response:
People who blame other people for bad things that happen to them are messed up. I mean: even if someone is "to blame" for what happens, in what way is it "nice" to tell them that? Isn’t there a better thing to say or do? I would hope so. I have a list of words that I don’t "believe" in ("believe" is one of them – long rigamarole for explanation, so I’ll skip it) – and "blame" is one of them. So. No matter how you look at it, those peoples who flamed were simply showing themselves up as being in need of some serious soul-searching, or whatever. My opinion. Beauty. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Thank you, Beauty, for your thoughtful and compassionate post. And no, you don’t sound like a pay-per-view fortune teller – far from it! :) (mini spoiler for brief reference to non-Chr*stian spirituality, just in case) * * * * * * The current situation is kinda weird, because I feel like a total weirdo compared to the so-called "normal" world because of my dissociation and related issues. And yet, I also feel like a weirdo at a.s.d. because I’m doing some really powerful spir*tual work, specifically within a shamanic framework (somewhat evocative of some Native American traditions), and I know that’s kinda "out there." But it’s been a powerful catalyst for deep and meaningful insight and healing. Anyway, I end up feeling like I don’t really belong anywhere. Some anonymous troll within the shamanism newsgroup flamed me recently, after I posted with heartfelt honesty about my situation (though I didn’t allude to my dissociation directly), and I was told I was a bad person, irresponsible and not acting with integrity – all because my life fell apart, and my car was repossessed. It’s not like I *asked* for this to happen, and it hasn’t been easy at ANY point along the way. I dunno. I’m feeling pretty depressed right now, so bear with me if I seem especially Eeyore-like in my outlook. Forgive my rambling, and thank you again for your kindness and compassion. It really meant a lot to see your supportive words. :) Joanne (with help from Wise One) of the VG/LW tribe Sorry you have to go through this red-tape stuff, which is a bureaucratic "necessity" for "them" but a nightmare for you. We get a sense of great strength in you, and believe that you will make it through and be okay. As far as the outcome – we have no "rational" basis on which to make this claim, but we sense that it will be okay. We sense that the genuine nature of your state will be felt and that the sensitivity of the person you see after the first person will find in your favor. (We don’t want to come off sounding like some pay-per-view fortune teller – but we do sometimes get given foresight about health issues, in cases where we feel we can give someone a positive word. We think this may be our first interaction w/you – ? So please don’t think we are trying to come off as nutso or otherworldly – just – well, we think it will be okay, and we feel it from a deep place.) Beauty. Need to vent some stuff that’s spinning around in my head. Brief spoiler, for talk of mental health issues, and passing reference to s*xual abuse history, et al. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * (be safe, ‘kay?) * * Tomorrow (8/15), I have an appointment for a "diagnostic interview" with a psychiatrist contracted through Social Security. Over 200 pages of documentation regarding my disability have already been submitted by me and my care providers, but Social Security wants to get an update, since the last time I could afford an appointment with a psych was in January of 2003. It makes sense, I guess, but I’m still nervous. Thankfully, the psych is a female, so that makes it somewhat less threatening. Still, I have this cold, nauseated and shaky feeling, wondering if perhaps I’m just *lazy* – rather than truly disabled. I became unable to work in July of 2002, when I was taken (against my will) to the ER for severe asthma and anxiety. I had been having serious asthma issues because of remodeling/construction in the work environment, and so I was on numerous meds – many of which had stimulant properties (albuterol, oral steroids, et al). These meds made me jumpier than I normally was, and then when I began having serious problems breathing, it also became a horrific anxiety attack on top of everything else. Prior to last year’s ER visits, I had not been losing time, and in fact felt as if things had gotten to a place looking very much like integration. However, last year’s events (and one particularly cruel male doctor, who demanded *detailed* information about our sexual abuse history, and then dismissed us as hypochondriacal) served as a catalyst for a melt-down. My official diagnosis is Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Acute Anxiety Disorder, and Severe Depression. All of this dovetails rather pathologically with my past, because my m*ther loved to tell me that I was "crazy." (FYI, I learned that my mother had been told I was dissociative at around age 10, but then decided that couldn’t be true.) I am grateful that my partner Cheryl has the day off, and she’s going with me to the appointment. I know she won’t be able to actually be present during the interview, but at least she’ll be there in the lobby when I’m done. I think lunch at our favorite Mexican restaurant will be in order, complete with a virgin strawberry margarita! The guy with the Disability Determination Service (who actually does the investigation for the Social Security disability claim) seems like a compassionate person. He hasn’t been mean or rude, which I really appreciate. And I *do* understand why needs the information. It’s just terrifying to have the whole thing hinge on the say-so of this psychiatrist. What if she doesn’t believe me? What if she somehow decides that we are "just fine" and should be working? We’re at the end of our rope, financially, and need this situation resolved. There’s not much I can do besides show up and be as forthcoming as possible about the present situation. Still, I am shaky and weak-kneed in anticipation of tomorrow’s appointment. Ugh. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. If you read this far, I apologize for the lengthy, rambling post. Peace be with you, Joanne & Elizabeth of the VG/LW tribe
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