Question:
spoilered for s*c*d*l stuff. i think this is pretty bad, so please be safe. Definitely *not* for littles, or anyone not feeling safe. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 couldn’t find journal this morning. finally found it in closet, then remembered what i’d done last night. tried to k*ll self. pills took away lots of what i did last night, so when woke up this morning just got back into bed and forgot it all when woke up again. after i remembered, i just kept on with the day. monday talked to t’pist about r*pe when 16. big sob came up then went away with all the feelings. t’pist asked me how i did that. i don’t know. 
didn’t even know i did that. last night visiting ex-SO in hospital (trying to make p.u out of his initials :p). he is treating me like slave, ordering me about and criticizing anytning i do on my own (ie without his explicit direction). he used to treat me like slave s*x*ly, though i didn’t realize it until later. last night maybe big sob for first time about it. but then it went away, too. intellectually know it was *b*sive, but don’t feel it except maybe that feeling last night. but then think can’t feel that way now, maybe later. i’ve been hospitalized three times for s**c*de attempts, twice in march. just put that together this morning, although i don’t know why march is bad. just needed to say this to someone. choddie — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – spoilered for s*c*d*l stuff. i think this is pretty bad, so please be safe. Definitely *not* for littles, or anyone not feeling safe. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 couldn’t find journal this morning. finally found it in closet, then remembered what i’d done last night. tried to k*ll self. pills took away lots of what i did last night, so when woke up this morning just got back into bed and forgot it all when woke up again. after i remembered, i just kept on with the day. monday talked to t’pist about r*pe when 16. big sob came up then went away with all the feelings. t’pist asked me how i did that. i don’t know. didn’t even know i did that. last night visiting ex-SO in hospital (trying to make p.u out of his initials :p). he is treating me like slave, ordering me about and criticizing anytning i do on my own (ie without his explicit direction). he used to treat me like slave s*x*ly, though i didn’t realize it until later. last night maybe big sob for first time about it. but then it went away, too. intellectually know it was *b*sive, but don’t feel it except maybe that feeling last night. but then think can’t feel that way now, maybe later. i’ve been hospitalized three times for s**c*de attempts, twice in march. just put that together this morning, although i don’t know why march is bad. just needed to say this to someone. choddie —
Dearest Choddie: We have history of s**c*de attempts dating back to age 12 (now 37, last attempt 1/28/97 all relating to ab*s*ve episodes and r*pe traumas. My psych says the dissociation fr*m feelings and attempts has to with stress overload…like a safety valve…in my case our protectors intervene and induce the dissociation…started recovering memories since December and they kept on piling on while protectors silent, and then the violent intruder r*pe and subsequent s**c*de on 1/28 sent us over the edge into Post Traumatic Stress Disorder…inability to speak except about r*pe and even then would stutter and shudder violently. There was some concern that I was going to go catatonic…psychiatrist said hospitalization and med intervention was just in time…PTSD was so intense that protectors were about to shut us down entirely. Dissociation is big time protection. With all you describe it’s no wonder you’ve walled off emotions from memory and intellect. But things have definitely caught up with you, seems like a confluence of stress inducing events and memories, and it’s probably time to tread lightly, take it easy from here on in- maybe keep some distance from your ex-P.U. Wishing you serenity and light from here on in, Cindy, The Princess of GrrlPetal, Professor, & grrlpetal The Tribe of Cindys Network — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
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