Question:
hey there A…
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – x-no-archive: yes You can listen – without judgment – just hear the feelings there. You can nurture – little things – hot tea – drawing a warm bath with bubbles for her. You can be supportive and loving without being sexual during those times when she cannot be sexual. There will be those times during theraphy and working through stuff – its not about you – its about pain and fear from another time. Thanks. I`m starting to understand that. For a long long time L has seem irrational and hostile towards me and that has irritated and confused me a lot. But I think the scales are starting to fall from my eyes. So much more seems to make sense now. It`s not pleseant but at least it makes sense.
another thing you can do is just let her be if she needs space….it might hurt and feel like she is shutting you out, but sometimes, just sometimes, she’ll not be able to even voice things to herself…she will need you, and if she shuts off, it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t… You can believe and accept unconditionally everything that comes out of her mouth about that time, you don’t need to question the validity – just listen to and accept her feelings not the facts.
and hug when she needs it and not hug when the idea of physical contact is terrifying… Oh I`ve no problem believing her, the pain in her eyes when she told me was manifest 
sometimes, just being told I believe you is enough…for me, when my husband says "that must have been really terrible" that helps too…in a strange way it can be the first time that it has occured to me that it was a bad thing that happened… – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – You can bring her flowers when she is down and a stuffed animal. You can take her for a walk on a pretty day and talk about nothing but how beautiful the trees and flowers are. 
You can read The Courage to Heal – the chapters about living with a survivor. You can listen to her heart and it sounds like you already are. You can post here with questions that hurt you or confuse you. Thanks. If that`s OK. I`m the significant other rather than the recoverer, so I wouldn`t want to intrude, but if it`s ok I`ll continue to read, and post if I have to.
oh yes, it is okay that you are here…I have nothing but admiration for you… Most important of all …… MOST IMPORTANT ….. you can ask her what she needs from you. Please do not be afraid to ask those kinds of questions, they are valid. But also, don’t be disappointed if upon ocassion she cannot answer. Do not ask if she asks you not to ask. Wait till she is more receptive – listen to her feelings. L has always been very insular, and now I know why hopefully I can help her to trust me and let me help where I can. She says "Just be there" at the moment, so that`s what I`ll do.
<smile You can pat youself on the back as a loving companion because you came here and asked. Hardly. I couldn`t imagine doing anything else. What was the alternative, leave the woman I love and cherish because of events beyond her control when she was a child. We`re both worth a lot more than that.
exactly, but really, you are not the norm…for whatever reason,. fear, loathing, whatever, some men just cannot take it and they leave… If I could I would hug you and tell you you are doing a great job because you are. Thanks, but I haven`t really "done" anything :/
yeah you have…my ex wanted for years to know why I froze sometimes during sex…he wanted to know why I seemed to be so together on the outside and such a mess on the inside…he wanted to know a lot of things, including most of what you have written about your wife…I told him…he called me weak and stupid, told me to get over it and move on to "put it behind me" and when I couldn’t, he couldn’t handle it and he left…by coming here, you have shown yourself to be a cut above most partners…and when Windy is done hugging you, you can have one from me too…good luck with your wife and her journey through recovery…am here anytime… Dee xxx – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – A.
Response:
i’ll look it up tonight ergo anon la a where have all my cowboys gone? – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – shyte actually there’s a really good website for so’s it’s about did, but i think it applies to abuse survivors in general it’s like how to have a relationship and a sexual relationship with someone who may or may not be there i’ll try and find it a If you could that`d be great A.
Response:
Hi…. I didn’t see your original post, but I’m glad I saw this one at least. I don’t think you realize how rare it is for someone to stick by a loved one through this kind of thing. Like a lot of people here, I’ve had SO’s and family members give me the old "get over it, it’s in the past" bs, and that hurts almost as bad as everything else. Because it makes you feel weak, or whiny, or just plain stupid – or, in my case, all of the above. I imagine it is difficult to know just what to do – and what not to do – when your SO is going through something like this. I agree with all the advice you’ve gotten; I don’t think I have much else to add. I know that, for me, just being able to talk about what happened with someone who would listen and not judge me – someone who wouldn’t walk away, or ignore what I was feeling – that was and is incredibly freeing. But being able to really talk it all out takes a lot of time, and a lot of trust. The fact that you are actively searching for support for yourself, and advice, and knowledge, speaks volumes about the kind of person you are, and how much you love her. You’re certainly not "intruding" by posting here – if I can help in any way, just let me know. Good luck to both of you, and three cheers for you for being so supportive. I wish everyone were that way. Laurie – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – x-no-archive: yes You can listen – without judgment – just hear the feelings there. You can nurture – little things – hot tea – drawing a warm bath with bubbles for her. You can be supportive and loving without being sexual during those times when she cannot be sexual. There will be those times during theraphy and working through stuff – its not about you – its about pain and fear from another time. Thanks. I`m starting to understand that. For a long long time L has seem irrational and hostile towards me and that has irritated and confused me a lot. But I think the scales are starting to fall from my eyes. So much more seems to make sense now. It`s not pleseant but at least it makes sense. You can believe and accept unconditionally everything that comes out of her mouth about that time, you don’t need to question the validity – just listen to and accept her feelings not the facts. Oh I`ve no problem believing her, the pain in her eyes when she told me was manifest You can bring her flowers when she is down and a stuffed animal. You can take her for a walk on a pretty day and talk about nothing but how beautiful the trees and flowers are. You can read The Courage to Heal – the chapters about living with a survivor. You can listen to her heart and it sounds like you already are. You can post here with questions that hurt you or confuse you. Thanks. If that`s OK. I`m the significant other rather than the recoverer, so I wouldn`t want to intrude, but if it`s ok I`ll continue to read, and post if I have to. Most important of all …… MOST IMPORTANT ….. you can ask her what she needs from you. Please do not be afraid to ask those kinds of questions, they are valid. But also, don’t be disappointed if upon ocassion she cannot answer. Do not ask if she asks you not to ask. Wait till she is more receptive – listen to her feelings. L has always been very insular, and now I know why hopefully I can help her to trust me and let me help where I can. She says "Just be there" at the moment, so that`s what I`ll do. You can pat youself on the back as a loving companion because you came here and asked. Hardly. I couldn`t imagine doing anything else. What was the alternative, leave the woman I love and cherish because of events beyond her control when she was a child. We`re both worth a lot more than that. If I could I would hug you and tell you you are doing a great job because you are. Thanks, but I haven`t really "done" anything :/ A.
Response:
I’m sorry his lack of consideration hurt you. Kc
Thanks, Kc… It was more of a disappointment than anything else – seen it before, will no doubt see it again… just the names change… Wolf - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – http://www.ra-info.org - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – Words that soak into your soul are whispered, not yelled
Response:
Unfortunately, I know =(( – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I’m sorry his lack of consideration hurt you. Kc Thanks, Kc… It was more of a disappointment than anything else – seen it before, will no doubt see it again… just the names change… Wolf - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – http://www.ra-info.org - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – Words that soak into your soul are whispered, not yelled
Response:
shyte actually there’s a really good website for so’s it’s about did, but i think it applies to abuse survivors in general it’s like how to have a relationship and a sexual relationship with someone who may or may not be there i’ll try and find it a – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – x-no-archive: yes You can listen – without judgment – just hear the feelings there. You can nurture – little things – hot tea – drawing a warm bath with bubbles for her. You can be supportive and loving without being sexual during those times when she cannot be sexual. There will be those times during theraphy and working through stuff – its not about you – its about pain and fear from another time. Thanks. I`m starting to understand that. For a long long time L has seem irrational and hostile towards me and that has irritated and confused me a lot. But I think the scales are starting to fall from my eyes. So much more seems to make sense now. It`s not pleseant but at least it makes sense. You can believe and accept unconditionally everything that comes out of her mouth about that time, you don’t need to question the validity – just listen to and accept her feelings not the facts. Oh I`ve no problem believing her, the pain in her eyes when she told me was manifest You can bring her flowers when she is down and a stuffed animal. You can take her for a walk on a pretty day and talk about nothing but how beautiful the trees and flowers are. You can read The Courage to Heal – the chapters about living with a survivor. You can listen to her heart and it sounds like you already are. You can post here with questions that hurt you or confuse you. Thanks. If that`s OK. I`m the significant other rather than the recoverer, so I wouldn`t want to intrude, but if it`s ok I`ll continue to read, and post if I have to. Most important of all …… MOST IMPORTANT ….. you can ask her what she needs from you. Please do not be afraid to ask those kinds of questions, they are valid. But also, don’t be disappointed if upon ocassion she cannot answer. Do not ask if she asks you not to ask. Wait till she is more receptive – listen to her feelings. L has always been very insular, and now I know why hopefully I can help her to trust me and let me help where I can. She says "Just be there" at the moment, so that`s what I`ll do. You can pat youself on the back as a loving companion because you came here and asked. Hardly. I couldn`t imagine doing anything else. What was the alternative, leave the woman I love and cherish because of events beyond her control when she was a child. We`re both worth a lot more than that. If I could I would hug you and tell you you are doing a great job because you are. Thanks, but I haven`t really "done" anything :/ A.
Response:
hehehe oops! I meant to say that Sumbuddie mentioned "PTSD" and not that he knew I had it. oops! my bad! – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hello, I personally suffer from PTSD as I believe sumbuddie may have made mention. PTSD is a difficult condition to deal with….. I was first diagnosed with it almost 9 years ago when at the age of 16 I was in a bad car accident and had constant nightmares that affected my life to such a degree that I could barely function. I then got married and my ex was a mean SOB. PTSD (if you’ve ever heard of "shell shock" you’ll probably understand this a bit) affects the person’s ability to deal with anxiety and stress. Flashbacks and nightmares are common, sometimes people who have this condition will freeze up when faced with difficult decisions or situations. Sometimes even making themselves physically sick. I remember I became paranoid at one point. Sometimes Paxil can help but accupuncture is wonderful! so is biofeedback and certain types of psychotherapy. I personally went through Hippotherapy where I met with a psychiatrist at a ranch in the state of New Mexico and we spent some time talking while I "tacked up" the horse. when I had a particularly bad day, we’d first concentrate on focusing my energy into something positive (picking mud out of the horse’s hooves) and then we’d ride on the trail while talking. it’s very unorthodox but trust me when I say this…. within the first 2, almost 3 years of this type of therapy, I was so different! I felt better and my nightmares weren’t happening every single night…. over time and lots of support from family and friends, I’ve managed. Today, I’ve learned how to control it unless something "triggers" it. it would be so nice to be able to pinpoint every little trigger but since I can’t, I’m learning more and more to talk about it. Talking is an incredible outlet. So is getting involved in something such as martial arts, a gym, volunteering, etc…. I’ve used my rabbits as a form of "therapy" with my son who’s got ADHD. something about animals seem to help in therapy. I do hope this helps a little bit. sometimes the "traditional" way of therapy helps and sometimes it doesn’t…. I hope this can give you a bit more of an idea as to how to help her. I’m going to give you a couple of links…. http://www.normandyfarmandstables.com/news.html http://greatstrides.tripod.com/ http://www.hyperionfarm.com/hippotherapy1.htm http://www.card.ca/index.htm http://www2.cs.uwindsor.ca/60-205/99F/sec1/mauric4/therapy.htm I hope these help a bit. Kathryn Hello I need to ask you all for a little advice. I have been married for 8 years, and following a recent spell of Marriage Counselling, my wife agreed to visit a personal councillor as she was experiencing low self esteem and long term depression. Having undertaken a few sessions she is desperately unhappy, and I now know that she suffered at the hands of two different men, when she was around 8 and 15, one within her family, the other a teacher. She is very uncomfortable with physical contact and seems to be becoming more withdrawn. I know everyone is different, and this is a *big* question, but how can I best support her and are there any real steps I can make to ease her situation. Thanks for listening. If you can offer me any insight, please do so here rather than by mail. Thanks once again. A concerned husband.
Response:
Hello, I personally suffer from PTSD as I believe sumbuddie may have made mention. PTSD is a difficult condition to deal with….. I was first diagnosed with it almost 9 years ago when at the age of 16 I was in a bad car accident and had constant nightmares that affected my life to such a degree that I could barely function. I then got married and my ex was a mean SOB. PTSD (if you’ve ever heard of "shell shock" you’ll probably understand this a bit) affects the person’s ability to deal with anxiety and stress. Flashbacks and nightmares are common, sometimes people who have this condition will freeze up when faced with difficult decisions or situations. Sometimes even making themselves physically sick. I remember I became paranoid at one point. Sometimes Paxil can help but accupuncture is wonderful! so is biofeedback and certain types of psychotherapy. I personally went through Hippotherapy where I met with a psychiatrist at a ranch in the state of New Mexico and we spent some time talking while I "tacked up" the horse. when I had a particularly bad day, we’d first concentrate on focusing my energy into something positive (picking mud out of the horse’s hooves) and then we’d ride on the trail while talking. it’s very unorthodox but trust me when I say this…. within the first 2, almost 3 years of this type of therapy, I was so different! I felt better and my nightmares weren’t happening every single night…. over time and lots of support from family and friends, I’ve managed. Today, I’ve learned how to control it unless something "triggers" it. it would be so nice to be able to pinpoint every little trigger but since I can’t, I’m learning more and more to talk about it. Talking is an incredible outlet. So is getting involved in something such as martial arts, a gym, volunteering, etc…. I’ve used my rabbits as a form of "therapy" with my son who’s got ADHD. something about animals seem to help in therapy. I do hope this helps a little bit. sometimes the "traditional" way of therapy helps and sometimes it doesn’t…. I hope this can give you a bit more of an idea as to how to help her. I’m going to give you a couple of links…. http://www.normandyfarmandstables.com/news.html http://greatstrides.tripod.com/ http://www.hyperionfarm.com/hippotherapy1.htm http://www.card.ca/index.htm http://www2.cs.uwindsor.ca/60-205/99F/sec1/mauric4/therapy.htm I hope these help a bit. Kathryn – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hello I need to ask you all for a little advice. I have been married for 8 years, and following a recent spell of Marriage Counselling, my wife agreed to visit a personal councillor as she was experiencing low self esteem and long term depression. Having undertaken a few sessions she is desperately unhappy, and I now know that she suffered at the hands of two different men, when she was around 8 and 15, one within her family, the other a teacher. She is very uncomfortable with physical contact and seems to be becoming more withdrawn. I know everyone is different, and this is a *big* question, but how can I best support her and are there any real steps I can make to ease her situation. Thanks for listening. If you can offer me any insight, please do so here rather than by mail. Thanks once again. A concerned husband.
Response:
Dear Concerned Husband … Wife is dealing with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) issues that are now coming up – this is likely to take about 8 years to heal up if you do it willy nilly … and not put any work into it. If you (really she – but you have your shadow stuff in as much as you unconsciously married a person with such malignant stuff in their history – so it speaks to some malignant stuff you got in your family side that is unconscious – like the yin/yang symbol if you want a metaphore of understanding) want to work on this – about two years will set it straight. To do the work – recommed Rosenberg and Rand type Integrative Body Psychotherapy along with Biofeedback and Traditional Accupuncture – there is lots of tears and saddness that has to come out – its a simple process that hurts like Hell – this recovery. Support her – give her hugs or space if she wants them – get prepared for a divorce that might not happen – but likely will since you are doing nancy nurse stuff with her on some level … that might be toxic – I dunno about that – just presenting possiblities for future reference. Hope this is helpful. sumbuddie said dis :*( sorry about your wife and her owies) ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hello I need to ask you all for a little advice. I have been married for 8 years, and following a recent spell of Marriage Counselling, my wife agreed to visit a personal councillor as she was experiencing low self esteem and long term depression. Having undertaken a few sessions she is desperately unhappy, and I now know that she suffered at the hands of two different men, when she was around 8 and 15, one within her family, the other a teacher. She is very uncomfortable with physical contact and seems to be becoming more withdrawn. I know everyone is different, and this is a *big* question, but how can I best support her and are there any real steps I can make to ease her situation. Thanks for listening. If you can offer me any insight, please do so here rather than by mail. Thanks once again. A concerned husband.
Response:
Good morning CP, I’m married to a survivor too. It was quite a roller coaster ride when she decided to face the demons and work on making things better for herself. It got far more interesting 
when I was confronted with her suspicion that I too had been sexually abused as a child. I began to work with a therapist that I trust fully, (rare) and in the beginning of that journey when things became very raw between us, she (the therp) suggested a book that I found very helpful. I don’t know the name of the author anymore but the name is Ghosts in the Bedroom. Written for the SO’s of survivors it helped me see what I could do to better understand the dynamics of the relationship. I agree with Windy, this place can be a very good place to get some hard fought and won advice, knowledge and just plain or support when the chips are down. You do need to be careful and use commonsense and take what you need at the moment, leaving the rest. Take care and welcome. jeeco
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – x-no-archive: yes You can listen – without judgment – just hear the feelings there. You can nurture – little things – hot tea – drawing a warm bath with bubbles for her. You can be supportive and loving without being sexual during those times when she cannot be sexual. There will be those times during theraphy and working through stuff – its not about you – its about pain and fear from another time. Thanks. I`m starting to understand that. For a long long time L has seem irrational and hostile towards me and that has irritated and confused me a lot. But I think the scales are starting to fall from my eyes. So much more seems to make sense now. It`s not pleseant but at least it makes sense. You can believe and accept unconditionally everything that comes out of her mouth about that time, you don’t need to question the validity – just listen to and accept her feelings not the facts. Oh I`ve no problem believing her, the pain in her eyes when she told me was manifest You can bring her flowers when she is down and a stuffed animal. You can take her for a walk on a pretty day and talk about nothing but how beautiful the trees and flowers are. You can read The Courage to Heal – the chapters about living with a survivor. You can listen to her heart and it sounds like you already are. You can post here with questions that hurt you or confuse you. Thanks. If that`s OK. I`m the significant other rather than the recoverer, so I wouldn`t want to intrude, but if it`s ok I`ll continue to read, and post if I have to. Most important of all …… MOST IMPORTANT ….. you can ask her what she needs from you. Please do not be afraid to ask those kinds of questions, they are valid. But also, don’t be disappointed if upon ocassion she cannot answer. Do not ask if she asks you not to ask. Wait till she is more receptive – listen to her feelings. L has always been very insular, and now I know why hopefully I can help her to trust me and let me help where I can. She says "Just be there" at the moment, so that`s what I`ll do. You can pat youself on the back as a loving companion because you came here and asked. Hardly. I couldn`t imagine doing anything else. What was the alternative, leave the woman I love and cherish because of events beyond her control when she was a child. We`re both worth a lot more than that. If I could I would hug you and tell you you are doing a great job because you are. Thanks, but I haven`t really "done" anything :/ A.
Response:
Hello I need to ask you all for a little advice. I have been married for 8 years, and following a recent spell of Marriage Counselling, my wife agreed to visit a personal councillor as she was experiencing low self esteem and long term depression. Having undertaken a few sessions she is desperately unhappy, and I now know that she suffered at the hands of two different men, when she was around 8 and 15, one within her family, the other a teacher. She is very uncomfortable with physical contact and seems to be becoming more withdrawn. I know everyone is different, and this is a *big* question, but how can I best support her and are there any real steps I can make to ease her situation. Thanks for listening. If you can offer me any insight, please do so here rather than by mail. Thanks once again. A concerned husband.
Response:
I need to ask you all for a little advice.
[snip] you asked: 1. there are lots of useful sites here’s one: tamarashouse.sk.ca there you will find useful information for both you and your partner. 2. remember that her healing is her own. you can’t do it for her. 3. get a support system of your own. from personal experience I know that survivors of child sexual abuse can be emotional vampires and can drain a support person dry (I’m the survivor btw)..this may include a counsellor of your own, group, or even just a friend you can sound off to. that way if you get all frustrated (and you prolly will) you won’t take it out on her. she’s got enough on her plate.
Thx for the web site, it`s given me a few pointers. I`ll also search to see if there`s anything similar here in the UK. I`ve got a decent network of close friends, and I do want to talk about it, but my wife doesn`t want me to betray her confidence. I`ll have to think about that a bit more :/ 4. there are books in the book stores and libraries for partners of survivors. get a few and read them. 5. don’t demand intimacy from her. she’ll give that as best she is able. remind her she can say no, and obey that no *every* *single* time she says it.
Actually thats cool. I`ve never taken any pleasure from anything that my partner wasn`t 100% happy with. So it loses its meaning to me if I push it. :/ 6. there may well be days when she isn’t able to cook, clean or other things, you pick up the slack.
This has always been one of her coping mechanisms. She keeps house spotlessly and is always busy. I don`t know if this will change? 7. tell her you love her, tell her you love her, tell her you love her.
[snip] what you’ve done is a good start…now…perhaps..ask her what you can do for her? afterall, she’s the other person in your relationship. if she says "I don’t know" remember to be open to stuff as it occurs to her. best of luck take care tribble
Thanks for the reply. Take care yourself. A.
Response:
hello,
Hello I need to ask you all for a little advice. I have been married for 8 years, and following a recent spell of Marriage Counselling, my wife agreed to visit a personal councillor as she was experiencing low self esteem and long term depression. Having undertaken a few sessions she is desperately unhappy, and I now know that she suffered at the hands of two different men, when she was around 8 and 15, one within her family, the other a teacher. She is very uncomfortable with physical contact and seems to be becoming more
withdrawn. Sometimes things seem to get worse before they get better. Basically, the reason is it is horribly painful to look at abuse headon. So at times it appears things are worse, such as her being more w/drawn. I know everyone is different, and this is a *big* question, but how can I best support her and are there any real steps I can make to ease her situation.
I can’t give you advice. All I can do is tell you what I thnk would be beneficial to me. acceptance is one thing. Accept that if I am w/drawing that that is what I need to be doing at the time. Space, one of the things about incest or sexual abuse is the vioation of boundaries. When looking close at these painful memories, I may need time to redefine my boundaries physically & emotionally & spiritually. One thing that is difficult for me is when my pain hurts someone else. I am more able to be open w/ those people in my life who can heaar me talk abut my pain or be silent w/ me while realizing it is not about them. My pain or sadness or anger or whatever i am feeling at the moment is about someone & something else. I need those folks inmy life who can separate the two & not take it personally. That way I am able to concentrate on healing myself rather than on walking on eggshells in order to not offend someone else. Shoot I don’t mean for this to sound like seeking therapy makes it okay to hurt othrs. Basically is I am saying, for me it isn’t about the people in my life now…it’s about the past & those people who are the most helpful are the ones who can incorporate that. Take care of yourself so you can be available for her when she is able to reach out to you. Means a lot that you are willing to look for resources & answers. polly wog – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Thanks for listening. If you can offer me any insight, please do so here rather than by mail. Thanks once again. A concerned husband.
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I need to ask you all for a little advice. [snip] you asked: 1. there are lots of useful sites here’s one: tamarashouse.sk.ca there you will find useful information for both you and your partner. 2. remember that her healing is her own. you can’t do it for her. 3. get a support system of your own. from personal experience I know that survivors of child sexual abuse can be emotional vampires and can drain a support person dry (I’m the survivor btw)..this may include a counsellor of your own, group, or even just a friend you can sound off to. that way if you get all frustrated (and you prolly will) you won’t take it out on her. she’s got enough on her plate. Thx for the web site, it`s given me a few pointers. I`ll also search to see if there`s anything similar here in the UK. I`ve got a decent network of close friends, and I do want to talk about it, but my wife doesn`t want me to betray her confidence. I`ll have to think about that a bit more :/
One thing is you can talk about YOU & not her. Talk about how YOU are feeling. I agree w/ tribble, we can bleed a person dry. As a survivor I have found it important to have several support people & places. So I personally don’t think you can do it all, & not much at all if you don’t take care of yourself. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – 4. there are books in the book stores and libraries for partners of survivors. get a few and read them. 5. don’t demand intimacy from her. she’ll give that as best she is able. remind her she can say no, and obey that no *every* *single* time she says it. Actually thats cool. I`ve never taken any pleasure from anything that my partner wasn`t 100% happy with. So it loses its meaning to me if I push it. :/ 6. there may well be days when she isn’t able to cook, clean or other things, you pick up the slack. This has always been one of her coping mechanisms. She keeps house spotlessly and is always busy. I don`t know if this will change?
Yes, it may or it may get more extreme. Might win the Better Homes & Gardens Award now. {Trying a bit of humor.} – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – 7. tell her you love her, tell her you love her, tell her you love her. [snip] what you’ve done is a good start…now…perhaps..ask her what you can do for her? afterall, she’s the other person in your relationship. if she says "I don’t know" remember to be open to stuff as it occurs to her. best of luck take care tribble Thanks for the reply. Take care yourself. A.
Response:
x-no-archive: yes You can listen – without judgment – just hear the feelings there. You can nurture – little things – hot tea – drawing a warm bath with bubbles for her. You can be supportive and loving without being sexual during those times when she cannot be sexual. There will be those times during theraphy and working through stuff – its not about you – its about pain and fear from another time.
Thanks. I`m starting to understand that. For a long long time L has seem irrational and hostile towards me and that has irritated and confused me a lot. But I think the scales are starting to fall from my eyes. So much more seems to make sense now. It`s not pleseant but at least it makes sense. You can believe and accept unconditionally everything that comes out of her mouth about that time, you don’t need to question the validity – just listen to and accept her feelings not the facts.
Oh I`ve no problem believing her, the pain in her eyes when she told me was manifest You can bring her flowers when she is down and a stuffed animal. You can take her for a walk on a pretty day and talk about nothing but how beautiful the trees and flowers are.
You can read The Courage to Heal – the chapters about living with a survivor. You can listen to her heart and it sounds like you already are. You can post here with questions that hurt you or confuse you.
Thanks. If that`s OK. I`m the significant other rather than the recoverer, so I wouldn`t want to intrude, but if it`s ok I`ll continue to read, and post if I have to. Most important of all …… MOST IMPORTANT ….. you can ask her what she needs from you. Please do not be afraid to ask those kinds of questions, they are valid. But also, don’t be disappointed if upon ocassion she cannot answer. Do not ask if she asks you not to ask. Wait till she is more receptive – listen to her feelings.
L has always been very insular, and now I know why hopefully I can help her to trust me and let me help where I can. She says "Just be there" at the moment, so that`s what I`ll do. You can pat youself on the back as a loving companion because you came here and asked.
Hardly. I couldn`t imagine doing anything else. What was the alternative, leave the woman I love and cherish because of events beyond her control when she was a child. We`re both worth a lot more than that. If I could I would hug you and tell you you are doing a great job because you are.
Thanks, but I haven`t really "done" anything :/ A.
Response:
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN, I understand what you are going through, my wife battles depression an anxiety every day. I know at times it can be hard to be with her and to give her the support she needs. The best advice I can give is learn and teach yourself what she is going threw, educating yourself will help, i have learned this too late because of my unwillingness to learn about her condition. For me I was selfish and uncertain, I should have tried harder, now we are divorced trying to find ourselves again. Seven years of marriage was lost because of my lack of education. I am learning now and hope to gain back my marriage, we will see and time will tell….
Response:
One thing is you can talk about YOU & not her. Talk about how YOU are feeling. I agree w/ tribble, we can bleed a person dry. As a survivor I have found it important to have several support people & places. So I personally don’t think you can do it all, & not much at all if you don’t take care of yourself.
Fair point. Thanks for that. I`ll have to watch myself as well, though I am pretty resilient emotionally, we all have our limits. I don`t actually know how I`m feeling really. I suppose (and if this sounds callous sorry) I feel almost relieved that things have moved on, even though I`m not sure how the future looks. I certainly didn`t want to spend the next 30 years wondering about L`s state of mind and failing to connect with her emotionally, but I think it`s going to be a rough ride from hereon in, and I suppose I`m the one that really started it. L certainly didn`t want to seek counselling, but whilst I didn`t force her, I did point out out that I didn`t think we could go on as she was (2 suicide attempts over the last 14 years) and L feeling worthless. As much as anything it was starting to affect our relationship with our children, as so much emotion was being used for our own sakes and almost none of it positive. 4. there are books in the book stores and libraries for partners of survivors. get a few and read them. 5. don’t demand intimacy from her. she’ll give that as best she is able. remind her she can say no, and obey that no *every* *single* time she says it. Yes, it may or it may get more extreme. Might win the Better Homes & Gardens Award now. {Trying a bit of humor.}
Believe me, we`re already there! She polishes our 5 trophies every day Though thinking about it, it hasn`t seemed to be such an obsession over the last two weeks or so, so we`ll see. :/
Response:
i don’t have any advice but i do want to say i’m glad you came here a – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hello I need to ask you all for a little advice. I have been married for 8 years, and following a recent spell of Marriage Counselling, my wife agreed to visit a personal councillor as she was experiencing low self esteem and long term depression. Having undertaken a few sessions she is desperately unhappy, and I now know that she suffered at the hands of two different men, when she was around 8 and 15, one within her family, the other a teacher. She is very uncomfortable with physical contact and seems to be becoming more withdrawn. I know everyone is different, and this is a *big* question, but how can I best support her and are there any real steps I can make to ease her situation. Thanks for listening. If you can offer me any insight, please do so here rather than by mail. Thanks once again. A concerned husband.
If you like this post and would like to receive updates from this blog, please subscribe our feed.