Question:
Hello, The only thing I can offer you any input on is from the point of view of someone raped by her exhusband…. I know it’s not really the same as being molested b ut I do hope it helps a little bit and may even shed some light on why your partner is suddenly having a hard time separating you from her abuser…. Recently, I’ve realized some things about my particular rape scenarios…. I was violated 3 times by my exhusband… he tied me up and raped me with a blade to my throat… one of those times I conceived and then 5 and a half months later, I lost the baby…. I had prayed to God to have mercy on the innocent life that I was carrying and then prayed that the baby wouldn’t be born… it was crazy…. I’ve been feeling awfully guilty about it…. but then recently, I’ve been having a hard time being intimate with my bf…. I love him with all my heart but for some reason, suddenly, something crosses my mind about my ex and suddenly I tense up or I don’t want my bf touching me at all! I know it hurts him and it tortures me! My bf is not my exhusband but then I realized something…. I was afraid of my bf…. not because he hurt me but because he was a man and because of what my ex did to me, I learned to fear men for it. it’s not fair and it does hurt…. but it’s also a complication that goes along with PTSD. I was first diagnosed with PTSD after my car accident (Feb. 13, 1992) and I was only 16 years old! It came under control with the help of therapy but when my ex abused me, it flared up again and now it’s a daily battle… a battle for me to try to put the abuse my ex put me through into perspective and *know* that my bf not only hasn’t hurt me but will never hurt me. If I were to guess…. as I believe Alexia said about the Vietnam Vets being relevant… I think that’s why…. because they’ve seen some horrible stuff and suffer from nightmares, recurrent visions of the pain and suffering and torture, problems with handling stressful situations and even becoming over anxious and paranoid. These are just some of the symptoms of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) otherwise known as "shell shock" and it’s ugly when a person witnesses it in a war vet!! some other signs and symptoms include Depression, obsession or compulsion, suicidal tendencies, night terrors, persistent fear, self hatred/mutilation/destruction and lots of others! The only reason I mention some of this is because I sat in on a psych eval of a couple of WWII vets when I was finishing up my schooling at the Denver VA hospital. I read some of the charts and did some research in some books and this is what I came up with. I really hope that some of this helps. Sometimes Medication will help bring PTSD under control and sometimes just therapy and even a combo of the two….. I hope that both of you are able to get the help you need. I think honestly that the best thing you can do is just be patient and willing to help your partner through this. when you mention "vivid memories" that should hopefully send off warning bells in your mind…. Research all you can about PTSD and learn about it, understand it…. talk to the counselor about it… There are support groups for this condition but it’s something that’s constantly being researched and studied…. so much changes with a person’s psychologic health….. My best to you and I do hope that you’re able to help your partner. Kathryn – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I need to understand the survivors point of view. I am married to the love of my life for 10 years, 3 kids. I adore her and she knows it. We’ve always known that she was molested by her step- father, and her mother did nothing about it. Recently, however, when we were making love, it reminded her for the first time of vivid memories of being molested. She can’t separate us now (me and the abuser). She said she would just rather be my friend from now on. That she has felt empty inside for a long time and that she doesn’t think she loves me as much as I love her, or that she ever really loved me. <snip I am in therapy, and she starts next week. She is trying to keep busy so as to not remember things as it makes her very sick. <snip I asked her if she wants to fix this. She said she didn’t know (man, this is painful). I asked why and she said she can’t separate us (me and the abuser). I told her about my therapy which is when she said she is ready to try.
<more snipping
Response:
Patrick, This is so sad, and I can tell you that I went through the same thing your wife is going through. I was awakened by my fiesty boyfriend rubbing me between my legs, just as I was awakened by my father some years before. I just couldn’t look at him the same again. No matter how hard I tried, or how much I remembered the feeling of looking at him and loving him, I just couldn’t do it any more. I was only 19 then, and I didn’t know what to do. So I broke up with him and he cried in my lap, and I felt so bad that he loved me so much and suddenly I couldn’t look at him as a lover anymore. It wasn’t his fault and he was being punished for the awful things that happened to me. I hurried into another relationship to completely end any hope of us getting back together, so that he could get on with his life. After a few months I ended the rebound as well. I loved that guy and I knew that it wasn’t his fault, and I realized that for the time I was with him I was very happy. And I know if that morning had never happened, I could have loved him longer. I don’t know how your wife can get past it. But I just wanted to let you know that we don’t stop caring about you; I just could not be sexual with him again. I wasn’t even jealous when he got another girlfriend. In fact, I was happy that he’d moved on. And that is, in essence, what separates friends from lovers, IMO. Joanna – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I need to understand the survivors point of view. I am married to the love of my life for 10 years, 3 kids. I adore her and she knows it. We’ve always known that she was molested by her step- father, and her mother did nothing about it. Recently, however, when we were making love, it reminded her for the first time of vivid memories of being molested. She can’t separate us now (me and the abuser). She said she would just rather be my friend from now on. That she has felt empty inside for a long time and that she doesn’t think she loves me as much as I love her, or that she ever really loved me. I’m having a hard time believing this as you might guess. I am in therapy, and she starts next week. She is trying to keep busy so as to not remember things as it makes her very sick. She hasn’t asked me to leave yet, though she does sleep in the other room. I don’t touch her and am giving her as much space as she needs. Yet, even the other day we talked. I asked her if she wants to fix this. She said she didn’t know (man, this is painful). I asked why and she said she can’t separate us (me and the abuser). I told her about my therapy which is when she said she is ready to try. We held each other and she wanted to be held. She even slept in our bed that night. But since then, she hasn’t. I feel so lonely. I want to reach out. She seems chatty and talkative and smiling, but it’s killing me that I can’t help. Will she be there in the end of all of this? I am willing to go through all of this with her in any event because I love her so much, but it would help to know if there was a chance that we would still be together in the end.
Response:
I am a survivor. I am the husband of a survivor. I knew when we got married that my wife had been abused by a relative. I did not tell her of my abuse. She began to deal with her abuse after one of our children attempted suicide. Her beginning to deal with the abuse was an outcome of our work as a family to deal with our daughters attempt. She had an excellent therapist that specialized in sexual abuse and did a good deal of group work. So much for back ground. Being bluntly honest, working through this will be very, very hard even if things go smoothly. Emotions will be rubbed raw in each of you and inevitably sparks will fly. Being in therapy yourself should help as long as the therapist has a good understanding of the dynamics involved in recovery. Enough of the dark and gloomy. Can it work? ABSOLUTLY!!!! We both relate to the feeling that in the beginning part of recovery that each of us did, we were pulled through a knot hole. Once on the otherside of the board and we had managed to catch our breath, we were immediately pulled back through. We made it and I think there is some validity to the saying "what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger". I am very happy to say that with a lot of hard work, Herculean patience and rock solid commitment we are happier now as a couple than we have ever been in the 22 years we have been married. Easy, no way. Worth the effort? That’s your decision to make. A book I found helpful to me at the start of it all was "Ghosts in the Bedroom" sorry can’t remember the author. Best jeeco
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I need to understand the survivors point of view. I am married to the love of my life for 10 years, 3 kids. I adore her and she knows it. We’ve always known that she was molested by her step- father, and her mother did nothing about it. Recently, however, when we were making love, it reminded her for the first time of vivid memories of being molested. She can’t separate us now (me and the abuser). She said she would just rather be my friend from now on. That she has felt empty inside for a long time and that she doesn’t think she loves me as much as I love her, or that she ever really loved me. I’m having a hard time believing this as you might guess. I am in therapy, and she starts next week. She is trying to keep busy so as to not remember things as it makes her very sick. She hasn’t asked me to leave yet, though she does sleep in the other room. I don’t touch her and am giving her as much space as she needs. Yet, even the other day we talked. I asked her if she wants to fix this. She said she didn’t know (man, this is painful). I asked why and she said she can’t separate us (me and the abuser). I told her about my therapy which is when she said she is ready to try. We held each other and she wanted to be held. She even slept in our bed that night. But since then, she hasn’t. I feel so lonely. I want to reach out. She seems chatty and talkative and smiling, but it’s killing me that I can’t help. Will she be there in the end of all of this? I am willing to go through all of this with her in any event because I love her so much, but it would help to know if there was a chance that we would still be together in the end.
Response:
Hi Patrick. I’m really sorry for what you’re going through – I can tell how worried and upset you are by your post, and I understand. I don’t know if anything I can say will help, but I certainly hope it does, and this is a good newsgroup to talk things through. So, IMO, you’ve come to the right place, if that’s any small comfort at all. I need to understand the survivors point of view. I am married to the love of my life for 10 years, 3 kids. I adore her and she knows it. We’ve always known that she was molested by her step- father, and her mother did nothing about it. Recently, however, when we were making love, it reminded her for the first time of vivid memories of being molested.
I remember the first time I had a flashback while making love – it was far worse than any flashback I’d had doing other things. It was absolutely horrifying. I had to stop, right then, and I didn’t want to be touched at all after that. There is a big difference between "knowing" something happened intellectually and re-experiencing it, knowing it emotionally. And when you have a flashback, essentially you re-experience what happened. And it can be almost as traumatic as the event itself. She can’t separate us now (me and the abuser). She said she would just rather be my friend from now on. That she has felt empty inside for a long time and that she doesn’t think she loves me as much as I love her, or that she ever really loved me.
Ouch. I can tell this hurt you a lot, understandably so. I personally hope she begins to separate you from the abuser, and not just to make things better between you and your wife – I feel like as long as she identifies you with the abuser, she’s putting up a barrier to dealing with what he did to her. I don’t know if that makes any sense, but it seems like it’s almost, I don’t know – putting another layer between her and him? I can’t explain it. I know about feeling empty – I think a lot of survivors feel that way. I know I felt completely empty for a long time, and sometimes I still do. It’s a lousy way to feel. I also thought, for years, that I was absolutely incapable of really loving someone. I didn’t think I had it in me. I think, for me, it was that if I felt love, then I would have to feel pain, and fear, and all that other stuff, and I simply did not want to feel any of that. Trouble is, the more you repress those emotions, the harder it gets to deal with them, and that makes it hard to do anything. And sooner or later they always jump up and bite you in the ass, in my experience. I’m having a hard time believing this as you might guess. I am in therapy, and she starts next week. She is trying to keep busy so as to not remember things as it makes her very sick.
I think it’s great that you took the initiative to get into therapy yourself; I hope that it helps. And I hope it helps her, too. I know you probably know this, but don’t expect quick results. This is not easy to deal with – it’s taken me years to get to the point I’m at now, and I’ve still got a long way to go. I hope she is better about sticking with it than I used to be. Therapy is scary; it’s like, you’ve repressed, denied, ignored the abuse for so long, to bring it out into the open and confront it is really hard. I understand her not wanting to remember things. I hope therapy helps her with that. She hasn’t asked me to leave yet, though she does sleep in the other room. I don’t touch her and am giving her as much space as she needs. Yet, even the other day we talked. I asked her if she wants to fix this. She said she didn’t know (man, this is painful). I asked why and she said she can’t separate us (me and the abuser). I told her about my therapy which is when she said she is ready to try. We held each other and she wanted to be held. She even slept in our bed that night. But since then, she hasn’t. I feel so lonely. I want to reach out.
I hope you get some help and support here. She seems chatty and talkative and smiling, but it’s killing me that I can’t help.
Yeah, that’s a tough one. When you love someone, you want to take their pain away; in this case there isn’t anything you can do except be supportive, and you seem to be doing the right things for that. Will she be there in the end of all of this? I am willing to go through all of this with her in any event because I love her so much, but it would help to know if there was a chance that we would still be together in the end.
I can’t answer that, of course. All I can say is do everything you can, and take it one day at a time. I hope this helped, a little anyway. Good luck – your wife is lucky to have you, IMO. Laurie
Response:
I bet you are feeling a lot of pain. I wish I could tell you the answer about whether she will stay or not. I don’t have it, the answer. I hope you will continue to get the help you need, I believe that gives you guys the best chance. polly wog
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I need to understand the survivors point of view. I am married to the love of my life for 10 years, 3 kids. I adore her and she knows it. We’ve always known that she was molested by her step- father, and her mother did nothing about it. Recently, however, when we were making love, it reminded her for the first time of vivid memories of being molested. She can’t separate us now (me and the abuser). She said she would just rather be my friend from now on. That she has felt empty inside for a long time and that she doesn’t think she loves me as much as I love her, or that she ever really loved me. I’m having a hard time believing this as you might guess. I am in therapy, and she starts next week. She is trying to keep busy so as to not remember things as it makes her very sick. She hasn’t asked me to leave yet, though she does sleep in the other room. I don’t touch her and am giving her as much space as she needs. Yet, even the other day we talked. I asked her if she wants to fix this. She said she didn’t know (man, this is painful). I asked why and she said she can’t separate us (me and the abuser). I told her about my therapy which is when she said she is ready to try. We held each other and she wanted to be held. She even slept in our bed that night. But since then, she hasn’t. I feel so lonely. I want to reach out. She seems chatty and talkative and smiling, but it’s killing me that I can’t help. Will she be there in the end of all of this? I am willing to go through all of this with her in any event because I love her so much, but it would help to know if there was a chance that we would still be together in the end.
Response:
I need to understand the survivors point of view. I am married to the love of my life for 10 years, 3 kids. I adore her and she knows it. We’ve always known that she was molested by her step- father, and her mother did nothing about it. Recently, however, when we were making love, it reminded her for the first time of vivid memories of being molested. She can’t separate us now (me and the abuser). She said she would just rather be my friend from now on. That she has felt empty inside for a long time and that she doesn’t think she loves me as much as I love her, or that she ever really loved me. I’m having a hard time believing this as you might guess. I am in therapy, and she starts next week. She is trying to keep busy so as to not remember things as it makes her very sick. She hasn’t asked me to leave yet, though she does sleep in the other room. I don’t touch her and am giving her as much space as she needs. Yet, even the other day we talked. I asked her if she wants to fix this. She said she didn’t know (man, this is painful). I asked why and she said she can’t separate us (me and the abuser). I told her about my therapy which is when she said she is ready to try. We held each other and she wanted to be held. She even slept in our bed that night. But since then, she hasn’t. I feel so lonely. I want to reach out. She seems chatty and talkative and smiling, but it’s killing me that I can’t help. Will she be there in the end of all of this? I am willing to go through all of this with her in any event because I love her so much, but it would help to know if there was a chance that we would still be together in the end.
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