Question:
shrug. the gender doesn’t change the offensivenessof the comments. or the nature ofthe comments.
Yeah… but you know me… those niggling little details… and after all… what’s right is right. :o) That’s a strange word, isn’t it? Niggling. I actually don’t know the root of the word! Must sort that out later. Sounds strange though, huh. Anyway… i may be mistaken as to gender, but the comments still kinda blow my mind,
Consider this, Celeste… No man will ever be able to totally and fully comprehend or understand what rape is to a woman. Consequently, you’re just naturally gonna get some totally off the wall mind blowing type crap coming from males from time to time. It’s sort of one of the occupational hazards of being a male. :o) Can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without ‘em, Mars and Venus, and all that jazz… and on the all too often occasion… you’ve got Uranus orbiting about you have to contend with. It’s part of the natural order. :o) it is a cycle, no doubt,and repeating itself in full.
Yes indeedy! Orbits are like that! Yeah! They are! Just ask Mikey… he’ll tell ya… he knows everything! – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -celeste Why are you people even bothering to engage this troll? there was just something so offensive to me about the comments first about rape being so close to murder on one hand then on the second hand, rape being fine, if this individual got to *choose* who it was that got raped. that kinda — horrified me. okay, it *really* horrified me. talk about being blind to the very thing that caused the abuse that scarred you and destroyed you to begin with. she You may want to examine more closely the comments of this poster as to their gender. irst says it is the most despicablle thing in the world, then says if the victim is the *right victim*, boy howdy…. wouldn’t it be the *perfect action/punishment*? wow. boggle. total sick to my stomach wretching. celeste Interesting group. Sounds like a bunch of losers all huddling together for warmth. Except for the unfortunate few that come to your group in sincere need of help from drowning in their problems… only to be thrown an anchor by the same posters who have a need to be recognized. You make referrals to " rape " like it is something anyone who disagrees with you is guilty off . I personally take offense at the casual use of the word. It is only second to murder in it’s ability to end a persons life. As far as my personal desires ….. I have been on Zoloft for 9 years and am only able to get a woodie when I see a picture of a super computer … not that it is any of your business. snipped Oh I’ll sure try to remember. It is so easy to forget. Case in point … if any member of my family ever threatened to harm my child I would tell the bastard if he ever lays a hand on mine or any other child I would have his ass locked up so long that a basketball would be able to go up his ass without ever touching the side ( Bubba’s bunk mate ). Your imagery is very "rapist" Colin yes, and dysfunction begets dysfunction. celeste "You must be the changes you wish to see in the world" Mahatma Gandhi
Response:
shrug. the gender doesn’t change the offensivenessof the comments. or the nature ofthe comments. i may be mistaken as to gender, but the comments still kinda blow my mind, it is a cycle, no doubt,and repeating itself in full. celeste – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Why are you people even bothering to engage this troll? there was just something so offensive to me about the comments first about rape being so close to murder on one hand then on the second hand, rape being fine, if this individual got to *choose* who it was that got raped. that kinda — horrified me. okay, it *really* horrified me. talk about being blind to the very thing that caused the abuse that scarred you and destroyed you to begin with. she You may want to examine more closely the comments of this poster as to their gender. irst says it is the most despicablle thing in the world, then says if the victim is the *right victim*, boy howdy…. wouldn’t it be the *perfect action/punishment*? wow. boggle. total sick to my stomach wretching. celeste Interesting group. Sounds like a bunch of losers all huddling together for warmth. Except for the unfortunate few that come to your group in sincere need of help from drowning in their problems… only to be thrown an anchor by the same posters who have a need to be recognized. You make referrals to " rape " like it is something anyone who disagrees with you is guilty off . I personally take offense at the casual use of the word. It is only second to murder in it’s ability to end a persons life. As far as my personal desires ….. I have been on Zoloft for 9 years and am only able to get a woodie when I see a picture of a super computer … not that it is any of your business. snipped Oh I’ll sure try to remember. It is so easy to forget. Case in point … if any member of my family ever threatened to harm my child I would tell the bastard if he ever lays a hand on mine or any other child I would have his ass locked up so long that a basketball would be able to go up his ass without ever touching the side ( Bubba’s bunk mate ). Your imagery is very "rapist" Colin yes, and dysfunction begets dysfunction. celeste "You must be the changes you wish to see in the world" Mahatma Gandhi
Response:
Why are you people even bothering to engage this troll? there was just something so offensive to me about the comments first about rape being so close to murder on one hand then on the second hand, rape being fine, if this individual got to *choose* who it was that got raped. that kinda — horrified me. okay, it *really* horrified me. talk about being blind to the very thing that caused the abuse that scarred you and destroyed you to begin with. she
You may want to examine more closely the comments of this poster as to their gender. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -irst says it is the most despicablle thing in the world, then says if the victim is the *right victim*, boy howdy…. wouldn’t it be the *perfect action/punishment*? wow. boggle. total sick to my stomach wretching. celeste Interesting group. Sounds like a bunch of losers all huddling together for warmth. Except for the unfortunate few that come to your group in sincere need of help from drowning in their problems… only to be thrown an anchor by the same posters who have a need to be recognized. You make referrals to " rape " like it is something anyone who disagrees with you is guilty off . I personally take offense at the casual use of the word. It is only second to murder in it’s ability to end a persons life. As far as my personal desires ….. I have been on Zoloft for 9 years and am only able to get a woodie when I see a picture of a super computer … not that it is any of your business. snipped Oh I’ll sure try to remember. It is so easy to forget. Case in point … if any member of my family ever threatened to harm my child I would tell the bastard if he ever lays a hand on mine or any other child I would have his ass locked up so long that a basketball would be able to go up his ass without ever touching the side ( Bubba’s bunk mate ). Your imagery is very "rapist" Colin yes, and dysfunction begets dysfunction. celeste "You must be the changes you wish to see in the world" Mahatma Gandhi
Response:
Why are you people even bothering to engage this troll?
there was just something so offensive to me about the comments first about rape being so close to murder on one hand then on the second hand, rape being fine, if this individual got to *choose* who it was that got raped. that kinda — horrified me. okay, it *really* horrified me. talk about being blind to the very thing that caused the abuse that scarred you and destroyed you to begin with. she first says it is the most despicablle thing in the world, then says if the victim is the *right victim*, boy howdy…. wouldn’t it be the *perfect action/punishment*? wow. boggle. total sick to my stomach wretching. celeste – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Interesting group. Sounds like a bunch of losers all huddling together for warmth. Except for the unfortunate few that come to your group in sincere need of help from drowning in their problems… only to be thrown an anchor by the same posters who have a need to be recognized. You make referrals to " rape " like it is something anyone who disagrees with you is guilty off . I personally take offense at the casual use of the word. It is only second to murder in it’s ability to end a persons life. As far as my personal desires ….. I have been on Zoloft for 9 years and am only able to get a woodie when I see a picture of a super computer … not that it is any of your business. snipped Oh I’ll sure try to remember. It is so easy to forget. Case in point … if any member of my family ever threatened to harm my child I would tell the bastard if he ever lays a hand on mine or any other child I would have his ass locked up so long that a basketball would be able to go up his ass without ever touching the side ( Bubba’s bunk mate ). Your imagery is very "rapist" Colin yes, and dysfunction begets dysfunction. celeste "You must be the changes you wish to see in the world" Mahatma Gandhi
Response:
Colin … it’s amazingly accurate how your parents were so close in giving you that name … I mean the Colon is very close to the asshole . You speak of things and give advice on matters that you have absolutely no knowledge of …this angers me .
This is interesting. You’ve just spent all this time and effort below, explaining why you have significant reasons to be angry with people in your life… because they took out their anger, not on who their anger was caused by or should have been directed toward, but on you and your sister. You then go on to say "It took a wonderful woman and a loving savior to help me, not amateur charlatans with bad advice"… yet above I see you doing precisely the same to another as your mother did to you… specifically, taking out your anger, not on who your anger was caused by and should be directed toward, but on another who was not the least bit responsible for what has caused your anger. Not only are you bound to repeat history… you *are*. And you know what I find even more interesting… here you are saying, and showing, how angered you are at others for speaking of things and giving advice on matters you presume or perceive they have absolutely no knowledge of… even while you are very ironically giving advice while simultaneously *demonstrating* the same! But… you most likely can’t see that… can you! Physician… heal thyself! Hopefully one of these days you will clue into why you see what lives within you in others, even when it may not be there… Why the perception of what lives within you brings on such feelings of anger… and why that anger is directed not at the source of the anger, but at others. Good luck. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -My resume is very simple …. at 3 mother tied my sister and myself to a chair.. then set the house on fire. After her 2 years in therapy our loving mother was "cured " and we once again were able to become a fully dysfunctional family. Every 2 years almost like clockwork my sister and I would come home from school to find the house almost completely void of any furniture … mom had left with another boyfriend but of course dad was still there but for some reason he never liked me …( I suspect I wasn’t his ). At about 9 dad started screwing my sister and when I was 10 … I remember because granddad kept saying ten was "old enough " my mother would take me to grandpas every sunday to give granpop a blow job. When I was older and confronted her she swore that she had no idea what was going on… right. Lots more happened before at the age of 26 when my sister killed herself. I have had a SW .38 at my head on numerous occasions … you know the game … see if you can’t squeeze the trigger 3 times before you spin the barrel again Where is God in these situations ?? Can u answer that ?? It took a wonderful woman and a loving savior to help me not amateur charlatans with bad advice i simply wonder about contacting the advising/counseling office– i dont know. i do think.. that someone needs to watch out for the childrens best interstet you obviously feel that too, or you would not be so troubled to write here. and to feel this… :*( i dont know the answer, and the sad fact is, that this, on some level, is likely to hurt you, simply by bringing your history into your present. but that girls abuse, or likely abuse, is her today- having been there, i think we all would have given anything, to have someone care enough, *to do anything* SOMETHING to help— is there a counseling office, where a counselor can be advised of the liklihood of problems in this girls home? where they can be advised to keep an eye on her? *would they do that*? in my small town, it was so much of an atmosphere, of "it is the parents choice,and world", that even in the face of blatant abuse, no action was taken. I dont know the answer, but i hope you find a way, inyour heart to reach out to her perhaps? to reach beyond the shell as colin suggests… where the son is re-inacting the same behavior of "the idiot"….and such behaviors can be biologically passed down, not to mention in light of what the "idiot" may have inflicted on his own son, that would incur disorders in his own son to be abusive– reinacting the behaviors and abusiveness of his father– i think very much that yes, something needs to be done, to protect the daughter/child and or children. I am sorry, for your pain, and hers. celeste Hello All, I’ve been lurking on the group for a while, and would like some advice on my situation, if y’all don’t mind. I’m a 36 year old female, married for 15 years to a nice guy, and we’ve got two kids. I have a Master’s Degree in Education (but am a stay-at-home mom), and my husband is also a teacher. My kids fight like normal brother and sister, but nothing really bad. Friends of our kids come over often, and the kids have lots of friends and do very well in school. We eat dinner together every night, etc. I think the four of us are a typical good middle-class family. We have absolutely no contact with my family what-so-ever because of the situation I grew up in. I refuse to even refer to my oldest brother by name, so we just call him the idiot or the a–hole. He was, of course, my parents’ favorite child, since he was the oldest. I’ve been told all my life that I am the ugliest, fattest, stupidest one. I still have a lot of issues with that. I am the only one who has gone to college, and even graduated from high school a year early so that I could move out and did so at age 16 when I started college. Even when was a size 5 I felt fat, and have some body-image issues, and will never believe that I am not awful to look at, even though I’ve been told by people I trust that I am pretty. My parents probably should never have had kids. My parents never cooked for us, and we pretty much lived on bologna sandwiches and TV dinners, until I learned to fix a few simple foods for myself. I pride myself on the fact that I cook dinner for my family almost every night. I may not be the best mom, but I try hard. Thank God for all those "Leave it to the Beaver" reruns that I watched as a kid. <G I’m pretty hard on myself, and probably read just about every parenting book around trying to learn how to be a good parent, since I didn’t learn it at home. I have three older brothers, and from my own research, I’m pretty much convinced that the oldest (6 yrs older than me) is a sociopath. Growing up, he would hold guns to my head, saying he was going to kill me. I’ve been called every vulgar name in the book for as long as I can remember. He would beat the crap out of me at every possible opportunity, and I was his favorite target probably because I was small and a girl. I spent a lot of time hiding out when I was a kid. I had a lot of special places in the woods where I thought I could hide, like little caves and fallen trees. We had an old house on our farm that my dad used to put hay in, and I would crawl into the attic (with rats, mice, and spiders) or would wiggle to the back corner on top of the hay to hide because the idiot would say that I had two minutes to get away before he was going to come hunting. While up there, I would hear him shooting the rifles and shotguns. I was about 5 when the stuff with the guns started, making him about 11. Needless to say, I have been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder. My parents only response was that it was my fault since "I shouldn’t have made him mad. So what did I expect?" He destroyed a lot of my toys and belongings, and I learned quickly how to hide things I wanted to keep. I read a lot as a kid, and had a best friend who lived only a mile away. I spent every possible minute that I could at her house, and I think she and the books are the reason that I managed to be a normal person as an adult. I thank God that I had her for a friend. (I’d talk to her about all this, but she died about 4 years ago.) I wasn’t the idiot’s only victim. My next-to-the oldest brother (Ron) was 5 years older than me, and 1 year younger than the idiot. He was about the same size, so he could and would fight back, causing the idiot to leave him pretty much alone. He is pretty much normal, and just got married last year, and is a nice guy. The next brother is 2 years older than I am, and 4 years younger than the idiot. When this brother, Ralph, was 7, the idiot poured gas down Ralph’s leg, and lit it on fire. (My parents were always going places, but leaving us at home with the idiot in charge.) Ron and I managed to get the fire put out, while the idiot stood there laughing. The idiot then made Ralph put long pants on so that our parents wouldn’t know what happened, and threatened him if he told. Ralph was in a lot of pain, but wouldn’t tell. I felt horrible for him, so I told and Ralph went to the ER, but fortunately the burns weren’t real serious. We had an old wringer washer, and once the idiot turned it on and stuck Ralph down into it just to see if the agitator hurt him. Again, my parent’s blamed us for making him mad. I would threaten to call the sheriff to have them come arrest him, but my parents said if I did, they would say that I was making the stuff up and I would be
… read more »
Response:
Colin … it’s amazingly accurate how your parents were so close in giving you that name … I mean the Colon is very close to the asshole . You speak of things and give advice on matters that you have absolutely no knowledge of …this angers me . My resume is very simple …. at 3 mother tied my sister and myself to a chair .. then set the house on fire. After her 2 years in therapy our loving mother was "cured " and we once again were able to become a fully dysfunctional family. Every 2 years almost like clockwork my sister and I would come home from school to find the house almost completely void of any furniture … mom had left with another boyfriend but of course dad was still there but for some reason he never liked me …( I suspect I wasn’t his ). At about 9 dad started screwing my sister and when I was 10 … I remember because granddad kept saying ten was "old enough " my mother would take me to grandpas every sunday to give granpop a blow job. When I was older and confronted her she swore that she had no idea what was going on… right. Lots more happened before at the age of 26 when my sister killed herself. I have had a SW .38 at my head on numerous occasions … you know the game … see if you can’t squeeze the trigger 3 times before you spin the barrel again Where is God in these situations ?? Can u answer that ?? It took a wonderful woman and a loving savior to help me not amateur charlatans with bad advice – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – i simply wonder about contacting the advising/counseling office– i dont know. i do think.. that someone needs to watch out for the childrens best interstet you obviously feel that too, or you would not be so troubled to write here. and to feel this… :*( i dont know the answer, and the sad fact is, that this, on some level, is likely to hurt you, simply by bringing your history into your present. but that girls abuse, or likely abuse, is her today- having been there, i think we all would have given anything, to have someone care enough, *to do anything* SOMETHING to help— is there a counseling office, where a counselor can be advised of the liklihood of problems in this girls home? where they can be advised to keep an eye on her? *would they do that*? in my small town, it was so much of an atmosphere, of "it is the parents choice,and world", that even in the face of blatant abuse, no action was taken. I dont know the answer, but i hope you find a way, inyour heart to reach out to her perhaps? to reach beyond the shell as colin suggests… where the son is re-inacting the same behavior of "the idiot"….and such behaviors can be biologically passed down, not to mention in light of what the "idiot" may have inflicted on his own son, that would incur disorders in his own son to be abusive– reinacting the behaviors and abusiveness of his father– i think very much that yes, something needs to be done, to protect the daughter/child and or children. I am sorry, for your pain, and hers. celeste Hello All, I’ve been lurking on the group for a while, and would like some advice on my situation, if y’all don’t mind. I’m a 36 year old female, married for 15 years to a nice guy, and we’ve got two kids. I have a Master’s Degree in Education (but am a stay-at-home mom), and my husband is also a teacher. My kids fight like normal brother and sister, but nothing really bad. Friends of our kids come over often, and the kids have lots of friends and do very well in school. We eat dinner together every night, etc. I think the four of us are a typical good middle-class family. We have absolutely no contact with my family what-so-ever because of the situation I grew up in. I refuse to even refer to my oldest brother by name, so we just call him the idiot or the a–hole. He was, of course, my parents’ favorite child, since he was the oldest. I’ve been told all my life that I am the ugliest, fattest, stupidest one. I still have a lot of issues with that. I am the only one who has gone to college, and even graduated from high school a year early so that I could move out and did so at age 16 when I started college. Even when was a size 5 I felt fat, and have some body-image issues, and will never believe that I am not awful to look at, even though I’ve been told by people I trust that I am pretty. My parents probably should never have had kids. My parents never cooked for us, and we pretty much lived on bologna sandwiches and TV dinners, until I learned to fix a few simple foods for myself. I pride myself on the fact that I cook dinner for my family almost every night. I may not be the best mom, but I try hard. Thank God for all those "Leave it to the Beaver" reruns that I watched as a kid. <G I’m pretty hard on myself, and probably read just about every parenting book around trying to learn how to be a good parent, since I didn’t learn it at home. I have three older brothers, and from my own research, I’m pretty much convinced that the oldest (6 yrs older than me) is a sociopath. Growing up, he would hold guns to my head, saying he was going to kill me. I’ve been called every vulgar name in the book for as long as I can remember. He would beat the crap out of me at every possible opportunity, and I was his favorite target probably because I was small and a girl. I spent a lot of time hiding out when I was a kid. I had a lot of special places in the woods where I thought I could hide, like little caves and fallen trees. We had an old house on our farm that my dad used to put hay in, and I would crawl into the attic (with rats, mice, and spiders) or would wiggle to the back corner on top of the hay to hide because the idiot would say that I had two minutes to get away before he was going to come hunting. While up there, I would hear him shooting the rifles and shotguns. I was about 5 when the stuff with the guns started, making him about 11. Needless to say, I have been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder. My parents only response was that it was my fault since "I shouldn’t have made him mad. So what did I expect?" He destroyed a lot of my toys and belongings, and I learned quickly how to hide things I wanted to keep. I read a lot as a kid, and had a best friend who lived only a mile away. I spent every possible minute that I could at her house, and I think she and the books are the reason that I managed to be a normal person as an adult. I thank God that I had her for a friend. (I’d talk to her about all this, but she died about 4 years ago.) I wasn’t the idiot’s only victim. My next-to-the oldest brother (Ron) was 5 years older than me, and 1 year younger than the idiot. He was about the same size, so he could and would fight back, causing the idiot to leave him pretty much alone. He is pretty much normal, and just got married last year, and is a nice guy. The next brother is 2 years older than I am, and 4 years younger than the idiot. When this brother, Ralph, was 7, the idiot poured gas down Ralph’s leg, and lit it on fire. (My parents were always going places, but leaving us at home with the idiot in charge.) Ron and I managed to get the fire put out, while the idiot stood there laughing. The idiot then made Ralph put long pants on so that our parents wouldn’t know what happened, and threatened him if he told. Ralph was in a lot of pain, but wouldn’t tell. I felt horrible for him, so I told and Ralph went to the ER, but fortunately the burns weren’t real serious. We had an old wringer washer, and once the idiot turned it on and stuck Ralph down into it just to see if the agitator hurt him. Again, my parent’s blamed us for making him mad. I would threaten to call the sheriff to have them come arrest him, but my parents said if I did, they would say that I was making the stuff up and I would be sent to prison. I was just a kid, so I believed it. My mom was also a big believer in the idea that you don’t wash your dirty laundry in public, so there was no way she would ever admit to a doctor of the police that anything was going on. The idiot at 21 married a girl 3 years younger than she was when he got her pregnant her senior year in high school. They had 4 kids total, but divorced 8 years ago, and he has remarried. When he was dating his first wife, I thought she should have been warned about him, but my mother threatened me, saying that he wouldn’t hurt her. She divorced him because she finally got tired of being beaten and choked. When his son was young, Robert seemed like a normal child. I’ve taught the boy in junior high, and he is classified as mildy mentally handicapped. I can’t help but wonder if the mental retardation was caused by abuse. Anyway, I’ve dealt with a lot of this stuff since I moved out 20 years ago. My husband and I even decided when our oldest was born that maybe the situation had changed a little bit, so we tried to re-open the relationships, and hope for something semi-normal. We went to my parents’ house, telling them before-hand that we didn’t want the idiot to be there if they wanted to see their grandson. We were there having an OK visit, when the idiot arrives. I asked my mother how could she do this to me, and she said that the idiot had "grown up and changed." RIGHT! My 7 month old son was sitting on the floor, when the idiot walked by and said, "You’d better move the little mother-f—er or I’ll kick the sh– out of him and kill him." My mother said, "Well, you’d better move the
… read more »
Response:
Interesting group. Sounds like a bunch of losers all huddling together for warmth. Except for the unfortunate few that come to your group in sincere need of help from drowning in their problems… only to be thrown an anchor by the same posters who have a need to be recognized. You make referrals to " rape " like it is something anyone who disagrees with you is guilty off . I personally take offense at the casual use of the word. It is only second to murder in it’s ability to end a persons life. As far as my personal desires ….. I have been on Zoloft for 9 years and am only able to get a woodie when I see a picture of a super computer … not that it is any of your business. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – snipped Oh I’ll sure try to remember. It is so easy to forget. Case in point … if any member of my family ever threatened to harm my child I would tell the bastard if he ever lays a hand on mine or any other child I would have his ass locked up so long that a basketball would be able to go up his ass without ever touching the side ( Bubba’s bunk mate ). Your imagery is very "rapist" Colin yes, and dysfunction begets dysfunction. celeste
Response:
snipped Oh I’ll sure try to remember. It is so easy to forget. Case in point … if any member of my family ever threatened to harm my child I would tell the bastard if he ever lays a hand on mine or any other child I would have his ass locked up so long that a basketball would be able to go up his ass without ever touching the side ( Bubba’s bunk mate ). Your imagery is very "rapist" Colin
yes, and dysfunction begets dysfunction. celeste
Response:
Excuse me but what is the purpose of this group ? Is it to vent , or bitch and moan about what fate has dealt us and while we are at it blame the world for our dysfunction’s?
We are a Deluxe Group, all of the above at no extra charge. While I believe that this persons problems are a direct result of her past … so what ? Does understanding your afflictions heal them ? Many of us are so quick to blame our parents but how many of us take a close look at our grandparents or our great-grandparents as the source of our parents problems ? Would you deny them the same compassion that we seek because of the way they were raised ? Yet we excuse our dysfunction’s because it’s our parents fault that we are the way we are.
Understanding is only part of the obligation of healing from abuse. The other is we are obliged to express our emotions, and yes they look stupid and immature sometimes, but they have to be released. It is our obligation to criticize only our parents, it was their obligation to criticize their parents. For every parent who has worshipped their ownparents, abusive strategies are much more likely to be perpetrated, i.e. "my dad whipped me, sure he whipped me, knew what he was doing too, I never talked back again" To prevent disfunction begetting into the future, we have to bitch and moan and promise never to do harm to our children. What makes you think that we are any different then they are. Dysfunction begets dysfunction and on and on and …. I picked one example of something this women said when talking of her children’s fighting ( it’s normal ) ,that is exactly what her mother said to her when she sought help as a child from her brother’s abuse … don’t you see that ? Can’t you see the correlation ? Hey … if you want to have a pity party … go for it, my goal is to help Remember what I said " dysfunction begets dysfunction "
Oh I’ll sure try to remember. It is so easy to forget. Case in point … if any member of my family ever threatened to harm my child I would tell the bastard if he ever lays a hand on mine or any other child I would have his ass locked up so long that a basketball would be able to go up his ass without ever touching the side ( Bubba’s bunk mate ).
Your imagery is very "rapist" Colin
Response:
Excuse me but what is the purpose of this group ? Is it to vent , or bitch and moan about what fate has dealt us and while we are at it blame the world for our dysfunction’s? While I believe that this persons problems are a direct result of her past … so what ? Does understanding your afflictions heal them ? Many of us are so quick to blame our parents but how many of us take a close look at our grandparents or our great-grandparents as the source of our parents problems ? Would you deny them the same compassion that we seek because of the way they were raised ? Yet we excuse our dysfunction’s because it’s our parents fault that we are the way we are. What makes you think that we are any different then they are. Dysfunction begets dysfunction and on and on and …. I picked one example of something this women said when talking of her children’s fighting ( it’s normal ) ,that is exactly what her mother said to her when she sought help as a child from her brother’s abuse … don’t you see that ? Can’t you see the correlation ? Hey … if you want to have a pity party … go for it, my goal is to help the children. Remember what I said " dysfunction begets dysfunction " … this women is what she is with very little hope of her ever changing without coming to grips with her inability to solve her own problems … she may be leaving a legacy of continuing the abuse . Case in point … if any member of my family ever threatened to harm my child I would tell the bastard if he ever lays a hand on mine or any other child I would have his ass locked up so long that a basketball would be able to go up his ass without ever touching the side ( Bubba’s bunk mate ). I do feel for this women…she must not pass her problems to her children. If you do not care to read my posts simply block them … you do not need anyone’s permission. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – writes: What am I missing ??? What is the other side of this " story " ? No one … absolutely no one would ,( or could ) tolerate this behavior. If this is remotely true I suggest you have serious problems . All I read in your accounts tells me that you enable people to do what they do by allowing them to do it without anyone worrying about consequences. To prove my point …. do people other then family still get over on you ? You say your children fight but it is normal , geez … doesn’t that sound like your mom talking to you when you were little ? Don’t be so quick to hold your head up and think because you are away from your family all the problems are behind you … it is my opinion ( it’s free so that may be what it is worth ) that you may very well be in the thick of them. Seek help .. and please don’t try to program answers by giving one sided stories. You need help or you are bound to repeat history. This is probably not the best time to trip over the doorstep entering into this group. 
So first welcome and I hope you find what you need here – sometimes its hidden under the embers but its here. Second. Its a good idea to not offer advice or diagnosis until you know people and have some rapport with them and even then its best to tread gently or you get your socks burned. You have not made a great start here. But then not many of us did.
Response:
writes: – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -What am I missing ??? What is the other side of this " story " ? No one … absolutely no one would ,( or could ) tolerate this behavior. If this is remotely true I suggest you have serious problems . All I read in your accounts tells me that you enable people to do what they do by allowing them to do it without anyone worrying about consequences. To prove my point …. do people other then family still get over on you ? You say your children fight but it is normal , geez … doesn’t that sound like your mom talking to you when you were little ? Don’t be so quick to hold your head up and think because you are away from your family all the problems are behind you … it is my opinion ( it’s free so that may be what it is worth ) that you may very well be in the thick of them. Seek help .. and please don’t try to program answers by giving one sided stories. You need help or you are bound to repeat history.
This is probably not the best time to trip over the doorstep entering into this group. So first welcome and I hope you find what you need here – sometimes its hidden under the embers but its here. Second. Its a good idea to not offer advice or diagnosis until you know people and have some rapport with them and even then its best to tread gently or you get your socks burned. You have not made a great start here. But then not many of us did.
Response:
What am I missing ??? What is the other side of this " story " ? No one … absolutely no one would ,( or could ) tolerate this behavior. If this is remotely true I suggest you have serious problems . All I read in your accounts tells me that you enable people to do what they do by allowing them to do it without anyone worrying about consequences. To prove my point …. do people other then family still get over on you ? You say your children fight but it is normal , geez … doesn’t that sound like your mom talking to you when you were little ? Don’t be so quick to hold your head up and think because you are away from your family all the problems are behind you … it is my opinion ( it’s free so that may be what it is worth ) that you may very well be in the thick of them. Seek help .. and please don’t try to program answers by giving one sided stories. You need help or you are bound to repeat history. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – i simply wonder about contacting the advising/counseling office– i dont know. i do think.. that someone needs to watch out for the childrens best interstet you obviously feel that too, or you would not be so troubled to write here. and to feel this… :*( i dont know the answer, and the sad fact is, that this, on some level, is likely to hurt you, simply by bringing your history into your present. but that girls abuse, or likely abuse, is her today- having been there, i think we all would have given anything, to have someone care enough, *to do anything* SOMETHING to help— is there a counseling office, where a counselor can be advised of the liklihood of problems in this girls home? where they can be advised to keep an eye on her? *would they do that*? in my small town, it was so much of an atmosphere, of "it is the parents choice,and world", that even in the face of blatant abuse, no action was taken. I dont know the answer, but i hope you find a way, inyour heart to reach out to her perhaps? to reach beyond the shell as colin suggests… where the son is re-inacting the same behavior of "the idiot"….and such behaviors can be biologically passed down, not to mention in light of what the "idiot" may have inflicted on his own son, that would incur disorders in his own son to be abusive– reinacting the behaviors and abusiveness of his father– i think very much that yes, something needs to be done, to protect the daughter/child and or children. I am sorry, for your pain, and hers. celeste Hello All, I’ve been lurking on the group for a while, and would like some advice on my situation, if y’all don’t mind. I’m a 36 year old female, married for 15 years to a nice guy, and we’ve got two kids. I have a Master’s Degree in Education (but am a stay-at-home mom), and my husband is also a teacher. My kids fight like normal brother and sister, but nothing really bad. Friends of our kids come over often, and the kids have lots of friends and do very well in school. We eat dinner together every night, etc. I think the four of us are a typical good middle-class family. We have absolutely no contact with my family what-so-ever because of the situation I grew up in. I refuse to even refer to my oldest brother by name, so we just call him the idiot or the a–hole. He was, of course, my parents’ favorite child, since he was the oldest. I’ve been told all my life that I am the ugliest, fattest, stupidest one. I still have a lot of issues with that. I am the only one who has gone to college, and even graduated from high school a year early so that I could move out and did so at age 16 when I started college. Even when was a size 5 I felt fat, and have some body-image issues, and will never believe that I am not awful to look at, even though I’ve been told by people I trust that I am pretty. My parents probably should never have had kids. My parents never cooked for us, and we pretty much lived on bologna sandwiches and TV dinners, until I learned to fix a few simple foods for myself. I pride myself on the fact that I cook dinner for my family almost every night. I may not be the best mom, but I try hard. Thank God for all those "Leave it to the Beaver" reruns that I watched as a kid. <G I’m pretty hard on myself, and probably read just about every parenting book around trying to learn how to be a good parent, since I didn’t learn it at home. I have three older brothers, and from my own research, I’m pretty much convinced that the oldest (6 yrs older than me) is a sociopath. Growing up, he would hold guns to my head, saying he was going to kill me. I’ve been called every vulgar name in the book for as long as I can remember. He would beat the crap out of me at every possible opportunity, and I was his favorite target probably because I was small and a girl. I spent a lot of time hiding out when I was a kid. I had a lot of special places in the woods where I thought I could hide, like little caves and fallen trees. We had an old house on our farm that my dad used to put hay in, and I would crawl into the attic (with rats, mice, and spiders) or would wiggle to the back corner on top of the hay to hide because the idiot would say that I had two minutes to get away before he was going to come hunting. While up there, I would hear him shooting the rifles and shotguns. I was about 5 when the stuff with the guns started, making him about 11. Needless to say, I have been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder. My parents only response was that it was my fault since "I shouldn’t have made him mad. So what did I expect?" He destroyed a lot of my toys and belongings, and I learned quickly how to hide things I wanted to keep. I read a lot as a kid, and had a best friend who lived only a mile away. I spent every possible minute that I could at her house, and I think she and the books are the reason that I managed to be a normal person as an adult. I thank God that I had her for a friend. (I’d talk to her about all this, but she died about 4 years ago.) I wasn’t the idiot’s only victim. My next-to-the oldest brother (Ron) was 5 years older than me, and 1 year younger than the idiot. He was about the same size, so he could and would fight back, causing the idiot to leave him pretty much alone. He is pretty much normal, and just got married last year, and is a nice guy. The next brother is 2 years older than I am, and 4 years younger than the idiot. When this brother, Ralph, was 7, the idiot poured gas down Ralph’s leg, and lit it on fire. (My parents were always going places, but leaving us at home with the idiot in charge.) Ron and I managed to get the fire put out, while the idiot stood there laughing. The idiot then made Ralph put long pants on so that our parents wouldn’t know what happened, and threatened him if he told. Ralph was in a lot of pain, but wouldn’t tell. I felt horrible for him, so I told and Ralph went to the ER, but fortunately the burns weren’t real serious. We had an old wringer washer, and once the idiot turned it on and stuck Ralph down into it just to see if the agitator hurt him. Again, my parent’s blamed us for making him mad. I would threaten to call the sheriff to have them come arrest him, but my parents said if I did, they would say that I was making the stuff up and I would be sent to prison. I was just a kid, so I believed it. My mom was also a big believer in the idea that you don’t wash your dirty laundry in public, so there was no way she would ever admit to a doctor of the police that anything was going on. The idiot at 21 married a girl 3 years younger than she was when he got her pregnant her senior year in high school. They had 4 kids total, but divorced 8 years ago, and he has remarried. When he was dating his first wife, I thought she should have been warned about him, but my mother threatened me, saying that he wouldn’t hurt her. She divorced him because she finally got tired of being beaten and choked. When his son was young, Robert seemed like a normal child. I’ve taught the boy in junior high, and he is classified as mildy mentally handicapped. I can’t help but wonder if the mental retardation was caused by abuse. Anyway, I’ve dealt with a lot of this stuff since I moved out 20 years ago. My husband and I even decided when our oldest was born that maybe the situation had changed a little bit, so we tried to re-open the relationships, and hope for something semi-normal. We went to my parents’ house, telling them before-hand that we didn’t want the idiot to be there if they wanted to see their grandson. We were there having an OK visit, when the idiot arrives. I asked my mother how could she do this to me, and she said that the idiot had "grown up and changed." RIGHT! My 7 month old son was sitting on the floor, when the idiot walked by and said, "You’d better move the little mother-f—er or I’ll kick the sh– out of him and kill him." My mother said, "Well, you’d better move the baby." We did. I picked my son up, husband grabbed the diaper bag, and we left and haven’t gone back. I’m a lot better for having broken off ties with those people. My husband did have the idiot’s daughter in a high school class a few years ago. He said she was a nice, relatively normal person, not to bright, but not mentally handicapped or anything like that. Her mom had told her that my husband was her uncle, but she never referred to him as such, and never tried to take advantage of being
… read more »
Response:
Buttercup, Have you thought about a phone call to a local child’s aid service. It could even be anonymous. You know, children tend to treat others the way they are treated. Did your parents treat your brothers the way they treated you? Maybe there was something else going on.
Response:
i simply wonder about contacting the advising/counseling office– i dont know. i do think.. that someone needs to watch out for the childrens best interstet you obviously feel that too, or you would not be so troubled to write here. and to feel this… :*( i dont know the answer, and the sad fact is, that this, on some level, is likely to hurt you, simply by bringing your history into your present. but that girls abuse, or likely abuse, is her today- having been there, i think we all would have given anything, to have someone care enough, *to do anything* SOMETHING to help— is there a counseling office, where a counselor can be advised of the liklihood of problems in this girls home? where they can be advised to keep an eye on her? *would they do that*? in my small town, it was so much of an atmosphere, of "it is the parents choice,and world", that even in the face of blatant abuse, no action was taken. I dont know the answer, but i hope you find a way, inyour heart to reach out to her perhaps? to reach beyond the shell as colin suggests… where the son is re-inacting the same behavior of "the idiot"….and such behaviors can be biologically passed down, not to mention in light of what the "idiot" may have inflicted on his own son, that would incur disorders in his own son to be abusive– reinacting the behaviors and abusiveness of his father– i think very much that yes, something needs to be done, to protect the daughter/child and or children. I am sorry, for your pain, and hers. celeste – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hello All, I’ve been lurking on the group for a while, and would like some advice on my situation, if y’all don’t mind. I’m a 36 year old female, married for 15 years to a nice guy, and we’ve got two kids. I have a Master’s Degree in Education (but am a stay-at-home mom), and my husband is also a teacher. My kids fight like normal brother and sister, but nothing really bad. Friends of our kids come over often, and the kids have lots of friends and do very well in school. We eat dinner together every night, etc. I think the four of us are a typical good middle-class family. We have absolutely no contact with my family what-so-ever because of the situation I grew up in. I refuse to even refer to my oldest brother by name, so we just call him the idiot or the a–hole. He was, of course, my parents’ favorite child, since he was the oldest. I’ve been told all my life that I am the ugliest, fattest, stupidest one. I still have a lot of issues with that. I am the only one who has gone to college, and even graduated from high school a year early so that I could move out and did so at age 16 when I started college. Even when was a size 5 I felt fat, and have some body-image issues, and will never believe that I am not awful to look at, even though I’ve been told by people I trust that I am pretty. My parents probably should never have had kids. My parents never cooked for us, and we pretty much lived on bologna sandwiches and TV dinners, until I learned to fix a few simple foods for myself. I pride myself on the fact that I cook dinner for my family almost every night. I may not be the best mom, but I try hard. Thank God for all those "Leave it to the Beaver" reruns that I watched as a kid. <G I’m pretty hard on myself, and probably read just about every parenting book around trying to learn how to be a good parent, since I didn’t learn it at home. I have three older brothers, and from my own research, I’m pretty much convinced that the oldest (6 yrs older than me) is a sociopath. Growing up, he would hold guns to my head, saying he was going to kill me. I’ve been called every vulgar name in the book for as long as I can remember. He would beat the crap out of me at every possible opportunity, and I was his favorite target probably because I was small and a girl. I spent a lot of time hiding out when I was a kid. I had a lot of special places in the woods where I thought I could hide, like little caves and fallen trees. We had an old house on our farm that my dad used to put hay in, and I would crawl into the attic (with rats, mice, and spiders) or would wiggle to the back corner on top of the hay to hide because the idiot would say that I had two minutes to get away before he was going to come hunting. While up there, I would hear him shooting the rifles and shotguns. I was about 5 when the stuff with the guns started, making him about 11. Needless to say, I have been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder. My parents only response was that it was my fault since "I shouldn’t have made him mad. So what did I expect?" He destroyed a lot of my toys and belongings, and I learned quickly how to hide things I wanted to keep. I read a lot as a kid, and had a best friend who lived only a mile away. I spent every possible minute that I could at her house, and I think she and the books are the reason that I managed to be a normal person as an adult. I thank God that I had her for a friend. (I’d talk to her about all this, but she died about 4 years ago.) I wasn’t the idiot’s only victim. My next-to-the oldest brother (Ron) was 5 years older than me, and 1 year younger than the idiot. He was about the same size, so he could and would fight back, causing the idiot to leave him pretty much alone. He is pretty much normal, and just got married last year, and is a nice guy. The next brother is 2 years older than I am, and 4 years younger than the idiot. When this brother, Ralph, was 7, the idiot poured gas down Ralph’s leg, and lit it on fire. (My parents were always going places, but leaving us at home with the idiot in charge.) Ron and I managed to get the fire put out, while the idiot stood there laughing. The idiot then made Ralph put long pants on so that our parents wouldn’t know what happened, and threatened him if he told. Ralph was in a lot of pain, but wouldn’t tell. I felt horrible for him, so I told and Ralph went to the ER, but fortunately the burns weren’t real serious. We had an old wringer washer, and once the idiot turned it on and stuck Ralph down into it just to see if the agitator hurt him. Again, my parent’s blamed us for making him mad. I would threaten to call the sheriff to have them come arrest him, but my parents said if I did, they would say that I was making the stuff up and I would be sent to prison. I was just a kid, so I believed it. My mom was also a big believer in the idea that you don’t wash your dirty laundry in public, so there was no way she would ever admit to a doctor of the police that anything was going on. The idiot at 21 married a girl 3 years younger than she was when he got her pregnant her senior year in high school. They had 4 kids total, but divorced 8 years ago, and he has remarried. When he was dating his first wife, I thought she should have been warned about him, but my mother threatened me, saying that he wouldn’t hurt her. She divorced him because she finally got tired of being beaten and choked. When his son was young, Robert seemed like a normal child. I’ve taught the boy in junior high, and he is classified as mildy mentally handicapped. I can’t help but wonder if the mental retardation was caused by abuse. Anyway, I’ve dealt with a lot of this stuff since I moved out 20 years ago. My husband and I even decided when our oldest was born that maybe the situation had changed a little bit, so we tried to re-open the relationships, and hope for something semi-normal. We went to my parents’ house, telling them before-hand that we didn’t want the idiot to be there if they wanted to see their grandson. We were there having an OK visit, when the idiot arrives. I asked my mother how could she do this to me, and she said that the idiot had "grown up and changed." RIGHT! My 7 month old son was sitting on the floor, when the idiot walked by and said, "You’d better move the little mother-f—er or I’ll kick the sh– out of him and kill him." My mother said, "Well, you’d better move the baby." We did. I picked my son up, husband grabbed the diaper bag, and we left and haven’t gone back. I’m a lot better for having broken off ties with those people. My husband did have the idiot’s daughter in a high school class a few years ago. He said she was a nice, relatively normal person, not to bright, but not mentally handicapped or anything like that. Her mom had told her that my husband was her uncle, but she never referred to him as such, and never tried to take advantage of being related to the teacher. We, of course, don’t consider ourselves related to any of those people. When I meet new people, I try to give the idea that I’m an only child and my parents are dead, by omission. (I don’t like to lie, but in this case I just don’t give details.) I’ve also been very out-spoken about what happened to me when I speak to other family members, such as cousins and aunts. When anyone asks how my mom is, I tell them I don’t speak to her and tell them why. My mother is really upset that I do this, but I have found it better for me, since it gets people to understand why I broke all contact. Plus, I wasn’t the one who did anything wrong. I don’t have to be ashamed of my behavior. Here’s where I need advice. I have a good friend who knows all about the situation. Her son goes to school with Ralph’s son. (Ralph is the next one above me.) Nobody in this little boy’s class likes Ralph’s son, and won’t play with him. He has a very bad temper, fights with everyone, threatens them, and says things like, "I’m going to kill you." He’s on Ritalin, but always says he can’t control his temper. (Someone has told this child this, since I don’t think a 10 year old
… read more »
Response:
Hi, CC. First off, I wanted you to know I read every word of this and can relate so much it’s scary (my older half brother also a sociopath, similar stuff, blah de blah). I am a big believer that we all have a responsibility to do what we can, when we can to *save kids who need to be saved. However, I recently had some experience in trying to *save the child of an ex-family-member who was in trouble, only to be burned by her. So. Think hard about what this will entail. Is Ralph someone who will be able to hear you? What about Ralph’s wife? If you speak up, what will be their response, do you think? If they won’t be able to hear you, do an end run around them and inform the school to stay on the lookout. That’s about all I can think you will be able to do. If Ralph and wife *can hear you, what options might you offer them? What are the possibilities and choices involved here? How much are you willing to help and expose not just yourself to this stuff you worked so hard to get away from, but your children as well? Are you willing to have all that be a part of their lives? Think long and hard about that issue in particular. That’s what I learned from my experience. You can want to save someone, but your family has to come first, and if in trying to save the other person your own kids will be hurt, well, you have to ask how much you are willing to allow in their lives. Keep me updated? And good luck. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hello All, I’ve been lurking on the group for a while, and would like some advice on my situation, if y’all don’t mind. I’m a 36 year old female, married for 15 years to a nice guy, and we’ve got two kids. I have a Master’s Degree in Education (but am a stay-at-home mom), and my husband is also a teacher. My kids fight like normal brother and sister, but nothing really bad. Friends of our kids come over often, and the kids have lots of friends and do very well in school. We eat dinner together every night, etc. I think the four of us are a typical good middle-class family. We have absolutely no contact with my family what-so-ever because of the situation I grew up in. I refuse to even refer to my oldest brother by name, so we just call him the idiot or the a–hole. He was, of course, my parents’ favorite child, since he was the oldest. I’ve been told all my life that I am the ugliest, fattest, stupidest one. I still have a lot of issues with that. I am the only one who has gone to college, and even graduated from high school a year early so that I could move out and did so at age 16 when I started college. Even when was a size 5 I felt fat, and have some body-image issues, and will never believe that I am not awful to look at, even though I’ve been told by people I trust that I am pretty. My parents probably should never have had kids. My parents never cooked for us, and we pretty much lived on bologna sandwiches and TV dinners, until I learned to fix a few simple foods for myself. I pride myself on the fact that I cook dinner for my family almost every night. I may not be the best mom, but I try hard. Thank God for all those "Leave it to the Beaver" reruns that I watched as a kid. <G I’m pretty hard on myself, and probably read just about every parenting book around trying to learn how to be a good parent, since I didn’t learn it at home. I have three older brothers, and from my own research, I’m pretty much convinced that the oldest (6 yrs older than me) is a sociopath. Growing up, he would hold guns to my head, saying he was going to kill me. I’ve been called every vulgar name in the book for as long as I can remember. He would beat the crap out of me at every possible opportunity, and I was his favorite target probably because I was small and a girl. I spent a lot of time hiding out when I was a kid. I had a lot of special places in the woods where I thought I could hide, like little caves and fallen trees. We had an old house on our farm that my dad used to put hay in, and I would crawl into the attic (with rats, mice, and spiders) or would wiggle to the back corner on top of the hay to hide because the idiot would say that I had two minutes to get away before he was going to come hunting. While up there, I would hear him shooting the rifles and shotguns. I was about 5 when the stuff with the guns started, making him about 11. Needless to say, I have been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder. My parents only response was that it was my fault since "I shouldn’t have made him mad. So what did I expect?" He destroyed a lot of my toys and belongings, and I learned quickly how to hide things I wanted to keep. I read a lot as a kid, and had a best friend who lived only a mile away. I spent every possible minute that I could at her house, and I think she and the books are the reason that I managed to be a normal person as an adult. I thank God that I had her for a friend. (I’d talk to her about all this, but she died about 4 years ago.) I wasn’t the idiot’s only victim. My next-to-the oldest brother (Ron) was 5 years older than me, and 1 year younger than the idiot. He was about the same size, so he could and would fight back, causing the idiot to leave him pretty much alone. He is pretty much normal, and just got married last year, and is a nice guy. The next brother is 2 years older than I am, and 4 years younger than the idiot. When this brother, Ralph, was 7, the idiot poured gas down Ralph’s leg, and lit it on fire. (My parents were always going places, but leaving us at home with the idiot in charge.) Ron and I managed to get the fire put out, while the idiot stood there laughing. The idiot then made Ralph put long pants on so that our parents wouldn’t know what happened, and threatened him if he told. Ralph was in a lot of pain, but wouldn’t tell. I felt horrible for him, so I told and Ralph went to the ER, but fortunately the burns weren’t real serious. We had an old wringer washer, and once the idiot turned it on and stuck Ralph down into it just to see if the agitator hurt him. Again, my parent’s blamed us for making him mad. I would threaten to call the sheriff to have them come arrest him, but my parents said if I did, they would say that I was making the stuff up and I would be sent to prison. I was just a kid, so I believed it. My mom was also a big believer in the idea that you don’t wash your dirty laundry in public, so there was no way she would ever admit to a doctor of the police that anything was going on. The idiot at 21 married a girl 3 years younger than she was when he got her pregnant her senior year in high school. They had 4 kids total, but divorced 8 years ago, and he has remarried. When he was dating his first wife, I thought she should have been warned about him, but my mother threatened me, saying that he wouldn’t hurt her. She divorced him because she finally got tired of being beaten and choked. When his son was young, Robert seemed like a normal child. I’ve taught the boy in junior high, and he is classified as mildy mentally handicapped. I can’t help but wonder if the mental retardation was caused by abuse. Anyway, I’ve dealt with a lot of this stuff since I moved out 20 years ago. My husband and I even decided when our oldest was born that maybe the situation had changed a little bit, so we tried to re-open the relationships, and hope for something semi-normal. We went to my parents’ house, telling them before-hand that we didn’t want the idiot to be there if they wanted to see their grandson. We were there having an OK visit, when the idiot arrives. I asked my mother how could she do this to me, and she said that the idiot had "grown up and changed." RIGHT! My 7 month old son was sitting on the floor, when the idiot walked by and said, "You’d better move the little mother-f—er or I’ll kick the sh– out of him and kill him." My mother said, "Well, you’d better move the baby." We did. I picked my son up, husband grabbed the diaper bag, and we left and haven’t gone back. I’m a lot better for having broken off ties with those people. My husband did have the idiot’s daughter in a high school class a few years ago. He said she was a nice, relatively normal person, not to bright, but not mentally handicapped or anything like that. Her mom had told her that my husband was her uncle, but she never referred to him as such, and never tried to take advantage of being related to the teacher. We, of course, don’t consider ourselves related to any of those people. When I meet new people, I try to give the idea that I’m an only child and my parents are dead, by omission. (I don’t like to lie, but in this case I just don’t give details.) I’ve also been very out-spoken about what happened to me when I speak to other family members, such as cousins and aunts. When anyone asks how my mom is, I tell them I don’t speak to her and tell them why. My mother is really upset that I do this, but I have found it better for me, since it gets people to understand why I broke all contact. Plus, I wasn’t the one who did anything wrong. I don’t have to be ashamed of my behavior. Here’s where I need advice. I have a good friend who knows all about the situation. Her son goes to school with Ralph’s son. (Ralph is the next one above me.) Nobody in this little boy’s class likes Ralph’s son, and won’t play with him. He has a very bad temper, fights with everyone, threatens them, and says things like, "I’m going to kill you." He’s on Ritalin, but always says he can’t control his temper. (Someone has told this child this, since I don’t think a 10 year old would come up with that phrase on his own.) From what my friend
… read more »
Response:
Hello All, So do you all think I should do something? This is tearing me up inside worrying about some kid that I don’t even know, and whose parents and grandparents I don’t even like.
It is tearing you up because your heart knows that you must do something. Damn. The only thing I can think of, is that you become part of those children’s life, somehow. You are the only person on this Earth who has an idea of their true lifescape, under the cover of day to day. You see they are suffering. The difficult part of this challenge before you is the method by which you enter their life. I don’t know if you can connect with Ralph and make a tenuous cord of interaction enough to, perhaps, invite their son/daughter/both over to your house for a weekend or something. This would require of you an ability to let go of some fears or resentments with Ralph, keep an eye on the long-term picture. You must be open and aware if/when Ralph’s son is in your presence. Your eyes can communicate that you *see* him. Without judgment in any way, be available to him, and let your hard-won nuclear family be a beacon to him. This is not easy. Your husband would be instrumental in this, does he have the interest to be a mentor/model low-key listening through the what appears to be already twisted exterior? The daughter could be hiding the same sort of terrorization you endured under her social exterior, can you connect with her through her shell if she has one? And if you did make a connection with them, would you be able to follow through with both children for the long haul? I had many people express interest and concern in me when I was a child. None made it past my bright brittle shell. God, how I wish someone had had the fortitude to push that extra inch to open me up. On the edge of my tongue, pressing my throat, were a torrent of tears that always choked back down as my parents rescued me from the kindness of strangers again and again. Do not embark upon any such path to Ralph’s children unless you are thoroughly torn up by this. You will need conviction and love to gently absorb Ralph’s and maybe his wife’s *possible-if-not-likely* resentment. You do not say a word about their parenting, or lack thereof, you just hang out and be with them, listening, sharing your blessings. I remember some people saving me with just a look of care. Yes, no? Colin
Response:
Hello All, I’ve been lurking on the group for a while, and would like some advice on my situation, if y’all don’t mind. I’m a 36 year old female, married for 15 years to a nice guy, and we’ve got two kids. I have a Master’s Degree in Education (but am a stay-at-home mom), and my husband is also a teacher. My kids fight like normal brother and sister, but nothing really bad. Friends of our kids come over often, and the kids have lots of friends and do very well in school. We eat dinner together every night, etc. I think the four of us are a typical good middle-class family. We have absolutely no contact with my family what-so-ever because of the situation I grew up in. I refuse to even refer to my oldest brother by name, so we just call him the idiot or the a–hole. He was, of course, my parents’ favorite child, since he was the oldest. I’ve been told all my life that I am the ugliest, fattest, stupidest one. I still have a lot of issues with that. I am the only one who has gone to college, and even graduated from high school a year early so that I could move out and did so at age 16 when I started college. Even when was a size 5 I felt fat, and have some body-image issues, and will never believe that I am not awful to look at, even though I’ve been told by people I trust that I am pretty. My parents probably should never have had kids. My parents never cooked for us, and we pretty much lived on bologna sandwiches and TV dinners, until I learned to fix a few simple foods for myself. I pride myself on the fact that I cook dinner for my family almost every night. I may not be the best mom, but I try hard. Thank God for all those "Leave it to the Beaver" reruns that I watched as a kid. <G I’m pretty hard on myself, and probably read just about every parenting book around trying to learn how to be a good parent, since I didn’t learn it at home. I have three older brothers, and from my own research, I’m pretty much convinced that the oldest (6 yrs older than me) is a sociopath. Growing up, he would hold guns to my head, saying he was going to kill me. I’ve been called every vulgar name in the book for as long as I can remember. He would beat the crap out of me at every possible opportunity, and I was his favorite target probably because I was small and a girl. I spent a lot of time hiding out when I was a kid. I had a lot of special places in the woods where I thought I could hide, like little caves and fallen trees. We had an old house on our farm that my dad used to put hay in, and I would crawl into the attic (with rats, mice, and spiders) or would wiggle to the back corner on top of the hay to hide because the idiot would say that I had two minutes to get away before he was going to come hunting. While up there, I would hear him shooting the rifles and shotguns. I was about 5 when the stuff with the guns started, making him about 11. Needless to say, I have been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder. My parents only response was that it was my fault since "I shouldn’t have made him mad. So what did I expect?" He destroyed a lot of my toys and belongings, and I learned quickly how to hide things I wanted to keep. I read a lot as a kid, and had a best friend who lived only a mile away. I spent every possible minute that I could at her house, and I think she and the books are the reason that I managed to be a normal person as an adult. I thank God that I had her for a friend. (I’d talk to her about all this, but she died about 4 years ago.) I wasn’t the idiot’s only victim. My next-to-the oldest brother (Ron) was 5 years older than me, and 1 year younger than the idiot. He was about the same size, so he could and would fight back, causing the idiot to leave him pretty much alone. He is pretty much normal, and just got married last year, and is a nice guy. The next brother is 2 years older than I am, and 4 years younger than the idiot. When this brother, Ralph, was 7, the idiot poured gas down Ralph’s leg, and lit it on fire. (My parents were always going places, but leaving us at home with the idiot in charge.) Ron and I managed to get the fire put out, while the idiot stood there laughing. The idiot then made Ralph put long pants on so that our parents wouldn’t know what happened, and threatened him if he told. Ralph was in a lot of pain, but wouldn’t tell. I felt horrible for him, so I told and Ralph went to the ER, but fortunately the burns weren’t real serious. We had an old wringer washer, and once the idiot turned it on and stuck Ralph down into it just to see if the agitator hurt him. Again, my parent’s blamed us for making him mad. I would threaten to call the sheriff to have them come arrest him, but my parents said if I did, they would say that I was making the stuff up and I would be sent to prison. I was just a kid, so I believed it. My mom was also a big believer in the idea that you don’t wash your dirty laundry in public, so there was no way she would ever admit to a doctor of the police that anything was going on. The idiot at 21 married a girl 3 years younger than she was when he got her pregnant her senior year in high school. They had 4 kids total, but divorced 8 years ago, and he has remarried. When he was dating his first wife, I thought she should have been warned about him, but my mother threatened me, saying that he wouldn’t hurt her. She divorced him because she finally got tired of being beaten and choked. When his son was young, Robert seemed like a normal child. I’ve taught the boy in junior high, and he is classified as mildy mentally handicapped. I can’t help but wonder if the mental retardation was caused by abuse. Anyway, I’ve dealt with a lot of this stuff since I moved out 20 years ago. My husband and I even decided when our oldest was born that maybe the situation had changed a little bit, so we tried to re-open the relationships, and hope for something semi-normal. We went to my parents’ house, telling them before-hand that we didn’t want the idiot to be there if they wanted to see their grandson. We were there having an OK visit, when the idiot arrives. I asked my mother how could she do this to me, and she said that the idiot had "grown up and changed." RIGHT! My 7 month old son was sitting on the floor, when the idiot walked by and said, "You’d better move the little mother-f—er or I’ll kick the sh– out of him and kill him." My mother said, "Well, you’d better move the baby." We did. I picked my son up, husband grabbed the diaper bag, and we left and haven’t gone back. I’m a lot better for having broken off ties with those people. My husband did have the idiot’s daughter in a high school class a few years ago. He said she was a nice, relatively normal person, not to bright, but not mentally handicapped or anything like that. Her mom had told her that my husband was her uncle, but she never referred to him as such, and never tried to take advantage of being related to the teacher. We, of course, don’t consider ourselves related to any of those people. When I meet new people, I try to give the idea that I’m an only child and my parents are dead, by omission. (I don’t like to lie, but in this case I just don’t give details.) I’ve also been very out-spoken about what happened to me when I speak to other family members, such as cousins and aunts. When anyone asks how my mom is, I tell them I don’t speak to her and tell them why. My mother is really upset that I do this, but I have found it better for me, since it gets people to understand why I broke all contact. Plus, I wasn’t the one who did anything wrong. I don’t have to be ashamed of my behavior. Here’s where I need advice. I have a good friend who knows all about the situation. Her son goes to school with Ralph’s son. (Ralph is the next one above me.) Nobody in this little boy’s class likes Ralph’s son, and won’t play with him. He has a very bad temper, fights with everyone, threatens them, and says things like, "I’m going to kill you." He’s on Ritalin, but always says he can’t control his temper. (Someone has told this child this, since I don’t think a 10 year old would come up with that phrase on his own.) From what my friend says, and I trust her completely, it sounds like Ralph and his wife are raising their two kids in the same exact way that my birth-family was raised. Their son is starting to sound exactly like the idiot did when he was young. They have a daughter, also, two years younger than her brother. She seems to have a normal temper, and has friends. I feel no more emotional ties to these kids than I would to a stranger’s kids, since I don’t know them. My problem is that I don’t want any child to go through what I did as a kid, and I’m worried that Ralph’s son is going to treat his younger sister the same way I was treated as a child by the idiot. What can I do? What should I do? Do I contact someone, or just ask my friend to let me know if she hears anything else? I can’t really go to the kid’s school because there is a problem with the principal. Because of my past, I don’t suffer fools easily. This principal used the funds that were meant to go for the school’s library to put new carpet into his office, and I raised a ruckus about it. The man is a minister so quite a few people think it must have just been a misunderstanding about where the funds were meant to go because Mr. Martin would never do anything unethical. I think the man is a lying snake, and I told him so. Fortunately, when I decide to start working again, I won’t have to teach in that school. So do you all think I should do something? This is tearing me up inside worrying about some kid that I don’t even know, and whose parents and grandparents I don’t even like. Thanks
If you like this post and would like to receive updates from this blog, please subscribe our feed.