Question:
19:28:20 GMT
Hi Grace Welcome to the group. I’m just another one who can say that I know just how you feel. Maybe our father’s were twins seperated at birth. Your letter brought back memories of my food intake being watched and counted (shivers). It’s so good to be grown up!
Hello mouse; Amazing that some divine being would allow a twin of my father! When I go to visit my parents or any member of my family I never eat a meal with them, I usually go before that time arrives. I think that your awareness of who you’re really angry with (okay, I know that should be with whom…) is a the biggest part of healing and dealing with it. So you’re doing well, even though it doesn’t feel like it.
I’m torn between being ticked off at my parents especially dad, and feeling sorry for them . I figure somewhere along the line someone must have treated them like garbage, no excuse for the beatings, humiliation and whatever happened to me that my brain doesnt tell me anything before the age of ten. Ugh rambling again, sorry, all this is new and it’s difficult to sort out and categorize… Grace Please come back, mouse
Best offer I’ve had in awhile, thanks
Response:
Mar 1998 09:28:11 -0800 Hey Grace; It is common for dysfunctional people to operate out of two gears. First gear is called "Perfect". Second gear is called "Fuck It".
I guess I operate alot in second gear, would that gear also be referred to as the "I don’t care" gear. Those are my three favorite words. Well if you had other gears to run your life in, you know other healthy tools instead of the two you areworking with – well it is quite likely you would find someother way to be and become with people (you are fucked in your relationship issues in your head in regards to yourself, other people and your higher power) and yourself then trying to cut them or you. With real things or just your tongue.
I’m trying to live my life not operating in either a pissed off mood, or an uncaring one. It’s an old routine for me, it’s even a comfort zone at times, I know the behavior and I slip into it. When I was slicing and dicing my way through life it was a pressure release. When I jabbed a razor in my thigh it made me feel better, like poking a hole in a baked potato, all the steam would be released through that small incision. I know the person I want to be, I’ll get there, it’ll just take awhile to become the human being my parents took away. Grace Keep up the good work.
Thanks, at times it stinks SumBuddie
Response:
Dearest Kaitlyn: Wonderful that you can see it – now see if you are able to integrate it into your life and manner of speaking (using your power of the word) to talk yourself into a better future. And I did read your post later on in the evening when things were slower for me – however my point about not cooperating with the disease was part of my boundaries in being with you. Now you are honoring that boundary just as I honor your boundaries – and look what happens. We are actually respecting and making love to each other. Damm – there is a Gawd. Glad you clear up the congestion, and you did not need an antihistimine. Sleep well gentle lady. SumBuddie – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi Alan, I see your point about the buts. As for asking another question, I think not. And no problem with you not reading the rest of my post because it was just me being snotty, so no harm done. Kaitlyn
Response:
Hi Grace, I wanted to let you know that I also have a thing where words come out of my mouth before the thought seems to hit my brain. Normally for me it is the word "STOP!" or "NO!"..those were words i focused on as a kid when stuff was happening…. Now that I am healing (slowly…starting…trying) The words come out at the oddest times. My specific diagnosis includes PTSD and the doc says that the reflexive reaction to what are apparantly memories or nasty thoughts is somewhat normal; (god, please let me one day be REALLY normal….) People look at me like I am nuts! Of course it usually only happens now when I am at home, feeling somewhat safe…occasionally at college when I am most unsafe. I just was relieved to read your letter and find out I am not the only one. Maybe I am not so crazy after all. Good luck on your way Grace. I have faith in you. celeste – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -I admit to getting alot of strange looks when I blurt out something completely irrelevant to a situation I’m in. Quick explanation, when I start to get tense and start to feel threatened I usually say something my father used to say to me, not to the person im talking to, but to myself outloud. I have a tough time not having an emotion tied to something that happened to me in the past..even good things happening now get tied to the nastiness in the past, everything gets tainted.
Response:
Hi Alan, I see your point about the buts. As for asking another question, I think not. And no problem with you not reading the rest of my post because it was just me being snotty, so no harm done. Kaitlyn :Greetings back dearest of Kaitlyn’s: : :I am wondering if you have ever noticed how the word "but’ negates and :destroys everything said before that. : :I love you ….. but… : :I wont hit you ….. but… : :I agree to give you this money ….. but … : :I will love, protect and keep you safe, but dont ever leave me or I will :cut you up and kill you. : :You like this advice, but ….. : :That is as far as I chose to read your response. : :The rest is your disease and you know me in how I dont cooperate with the :disease. : :So if you ask a better question – you will get a better response from me. : :Keep up the good work sweetie – two steps forward, one step back – progress. : : :SumBuddie : : : : : : Hi Alan : : : : Try this. And see what happens. : : Start saying (using the power of the word) that "I feel terrific". : : I like this advice, but ……. : : And say I feel terrific about three hundred times, out loud in your voice : so you can hear it – even if you feel like crap. And it is a crappy day. : Say it. : : 300 times? Tell me how long that takes. Not that I don’t have time to : spend on saying it 300 times, but I’m just wondering how much time it : takes. I’m serious, really. : : I feel terrific. : : And see what happens to how you feel after saying it 300 times. : : Then say "I feel responsible" for 300 times. : : I’m still with you, and this sounds good too. But now I’m to say both : those things 600 times. And now wondering how long it takes to say : those two things 600 times. : : Then say "I feel terrific feeling responsible". : : Ok 
I’m STILL with you, but now I’ve got three things to say for a : total of 900 times. Can I just tape it the frist time I say it and : listen to it the next day? I’m still being serious. Really I am. I : swear I am. : : Then say "People love me and people love to give me money" (this is my : favorite one) about 300 times. : : HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Ok sorry Now you’ve gone and done it I can not say : this last one. I CAN say People love me, but not people love to give : me money. hehehehehehe I’m sorry I just can’t! Does it really : work? : : And now were are up to 1200 things I need to say. Can’t I just say : 300 times : : I feel terrific and responsabil and People live me? Sure would take : less time. : : And after about 15 mintues I swear – you will feel differently. : : After 15 minutes, and how many hours to say this? : : Awwwww Alan, I’m just teasing, should (oops) I say I’m sorry (oops) : for teasing you? : : Kaitlyn : : You will feel terrific, and responsible and that people love you and love : to give you money …. and watch how your day unfolds with this energy of : spoken love, prosperity, and terrific energy you have; simply because you : talked yourself into it. : : Instead of talking yourself into what you are into right now. : : The proof is in the pudding sweetie. : : And if you dont try it out – you will never see what it is like. : : Who knows it might not work – especially if you are a reactionary : revolutionary in your personalty in your control issues and authority : figures. : : But I think you are not that way. : : cyberspace hugs if you will have them. : : SumBuddie : : : : : : In article
: : I hope nobody minds me posting so much these days… I’m really struggling : over here and well… it seems to be coming from an endless source… : When I am upset my mind works in sentances that start with "sorry"… I’ve : had a horrible day today….and for that I am sorry. : : I never write about those dark clouds, or the rain, or even the chill of : rolling mist… Nope. I normally try to write about the sound of a : violin, a baby laughing and yes the occassional rant and scream… Today : all of that is gone from me…. Why do I do this? I am sorry that I am : even alive this week… I seem to be entering a depression of sorts that : is deeper than anything I have ever experienced before…deep indeed, and : yes there are dark clouds, rain, and a chilly mist, and they are all : comsumming… and I am an easy target…. : I am sorry that I’m not stronger, wiser, prettier, whatever would make : them love me. I’m just so tired…. I’M SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TIRED. My : bed feels like a prison of sorts and I walk to it as tho I were pulling a : ball and chain. And it breaks my heart to return to those places, where I : was tortured so many times, and in so many ways…. my heart feels like : it’s dying…. : I am overcome by all this… I want to scream and cry and I do, but the : source is endless… And today, I don’t want to be helded, I don’t want to : be soothed and I don’t want to be touched. I want to be alone. I want to : forget. I don’t know where to put this pain today… I am overcome… and : so far from reach. I will likely hurt myself again tonight… I know I : will and I will : never get over the shame of it, and I will never get over the fact that it : is I who continue my own abuse… and it is in this way that it will never : really end…And I will never understand the why’s and how’s or these self : punishing acts… and i will never understand why it brings such relief. : And the voice from inside me tells me that it is going to be ok. : this will pass, it always does and it always will… : : I am sorry. : I am sorry that I am me. : I am sorry that I was thrown to this earth : and I am sorry that I grew like a weed. : I am sorry that I ever touched this pain, : sorry that I gave it a voice, : and sorry that I ever opened this Pandora’s box. : I am sorry that I have no happiness, or kindness to offer today. : Sorry that my heart has nothing for you, : sorry that my hands cannot touch, : and that my voice cannot sooth. : I am sorry that my saddness has awoken, : sorry that I am here, : sorry that you are here to read this : and sorry that I ever learnt my name. : : liz : : : : : Petit Poulet, : Tout C’est Okay. : Maintenant Bebe. : Tout C’est Okay. : Kaitlyn "I keep listening for the answer, but I don’t like what I hear"
Response:
Well maybe if you just told him it bough back a bad memory, that way he’d know it wasn’t him and you don’t have to go into any great detail about your past, just a though. Stef – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – …….Stef wrote….. Anyway, Grace, I totally understand. I’m very sensitive when I get into situations that remind me of anything that ever hurt me (even one time incidents). I don’t think it’s wrong, I think it’s human. Try to explain to your friend, though (if it bothered him, that is), b/c it isn’t his fault and I’m sure he’d like the chance to explain and apologize for not meaning any harm. Stef Thanks Stef. My friend Dan, now referred to as Dan, Dan, the pasta man…actaully met me on my morning run to see if I was alright. I’m still not comfortable having anyone I know now, know about my past. I don’t know if I ever will. I told Dan I was just having a bad day and we laughed it off, meanwhile I know I’ll never have another meal with him. Grace
Response:
Greetings back dearest of Kaitlyn’s: I am wondering if you have ever noticed how the word "but’ negates and destroys everything said before that. I love you ….. but… I wont hit you ….. but… I agree to give you this money ….. but … I will love, protect and keep you safe, but dont ever leave me or I will cut you up and kill you. You like this advice, but ….. That is as far as I chose to read your response. The rest is your disease and you know me in how I dont cooperate with the disease. So if you ask a better question – you will get a better response from me. Keep up the good work sweetie – two steps forward, one step back – progress. SumBuddie – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hi Alan Try this. And see what happens. Start saying (using the power of the word) that "I feel terrific". I like this advice, but ……. And say I feel terrific about three hundred times, out loud in your voice so you can hear it – even if you feel like crap. And it is a crappy day. Say it. 300 times? Tell me how long that takes. Not that I don’t have time to spend on saying it 300 times, but I’m just wondering how much time it takes. I’m serious, really. I feel terrific. And see what happens to how you feel after saying it 300 times. Then say "I feel responsible" for 300 times. I’m still with you, and this sounds good too. But now I’m to say both those things 600 times. And now wondering how long it takes to say those two things 600 times. Then say "I feel terrific feeling responsible". Ok I’m STILL with you, but now I’ve got three things to say for a total of 900 times. Can I just tape it the frist time I say it and listen to it the next day? I’m still being serious. Really I am. I swear I am. Then say "People love me and people love to give me money" (this is my favorite one) about 300 times. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Ok sorry Now you’ve gone and done it I can not say this last one. I CAN say People love me, but not people love to give me money. hehehehehehe I’m sorry I just can’t! Does it really work? And now were are up to 1200 things I need to say. Can’t I just say 300 times I feel terrific and responsabil and People live me? Sure would take less time. And after about 15 mintues I swear – you will feel differently. After 15 minutes, and how many hours to say this? Awwwww Alan, I’m just teasing, should (oops) I say I’m sorry (oops) for teasing you? Kaitlyn You will feel terrific, and responsible and that people love you and love to give you money …. and watch how your day unfolds with this energy of spoken love, prosperity, and terrific energy you have; simply because you talked yourself into it. Instead of talking yourself into what you are into right now. The proof is in the pudding sweetie. And if you dont try it out – you will never see what it is like. Who knows it might not work – especially if you are a reactionary revolutionary in your personalty in your control issues and authority figures. But I think you are not that way. cyberspace hugs if you will have them. SumBuddie In article I hope nobody minds me posting so much these days… I’m really struggling over here and well… it seems to be coming from an endless source… When I am upset my mind works in sentances that start with "sorry"… I’ve had a horrible day today….and for that I am sorry. I never write about those dark clouds, or the rain, or even the chill of rolling mist… Nope. I normally try to write about the sound of a violin, a baby laughing and yes the occassional rant and scream… Today all of that is gone from me…. Why do I do this? I am sorry that I am even alive this week… I seem to be entering a depression of sorts that is deeper than anything I have ever experienced before…deep indeed, and yes there are dark clouds, rain, and a chilly mist, and they are all comsumming… and I am an easy target…. I am sorry that I’m not stronger, wiser, prettier, whatever would make them love me. I’m just so tired…. I’M SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TIRED. My bed feels like a prison of sorts and I walk to it as tho I were pulling a ball and chain. And it breaks my heart to return to those places, where I was tortured so many times, and in so many ways…. my heart feels like it’s dying…. I am overcome by all this… I want to scream and cry and I do, but the source is endless… And today, I don’t want to be helded, I don’t want to be soothed and I don’t want to be touched. I want to be alone. I want to forget. I don’t know where to put this pain today… I am overcome… and so far from reach. I will likely hurt myself again tonight… I know I will and I will never get over the shame of it, and I will never get over the fact that it is I who continue my own abuse… and it is in this way that it will never really end…And I will never understand the why’s and how’s or these self punishing acts… and i will never understand why it brings such relief. And the voice from inside me tells me that it is going to be ok. this will pass, it always does and it always will… I am sorry. I am sorry that I am me. I am sorry that I was thrown to this earth and I am sorry that I grew like a weed. I am sorry that I ever touched this pain, sorry that I gave it a voice, and sorry that I ever opened this Pandora’s box. I am sorry that I have no happiness, or kindness to offer today. Sorry that my heart has nothing for you, sorry that my hands cannot touch, and that my voice cannot sooth. I am sorry that my saddness has awoken, sorry that I am here, sorry that you are here to read this and sorry that I ever learnt my name. liz Petit Poulet, Tout C’est Okay. Maintenant Bebe. Tout C’est Okay.
Response:
Istar, Thanks for taking the time to get reply back. It was quite cool to get a response to my first post, especially since I was feeling shy and responded to someone else’s instead of a formal introduction thing. In fact I’m surprised at how it has picked up my mood at this late hour. I’m still over reacting, and now beginning to realize I seem to have an elevated anxiety level in general and I guess realizing most people don’t. The things ya learn about yourself. As far as apologizing I try to do that to. A few times in the last year I overreacted to acquantainces/co-workers. I’ve only recently I realize I had _over_ reacted because I was in this hyper extended anxiety/depressed mode and didn’t realize how much it was effecting my perception. I have a hard time apologizing for those occasions months after the fact, but I’m still trying. This may not be making sense. I’m kinda zonked from staying up late, but wanted to reply before I lost the article of the news server. Cheers, Davo Thanks Davo, I appreciated what you said. i’m there with you. I still over react and then say I’m not over reacting. It’s later after I’ve quieted down that I can see that I’ve over reacted. and I usually apologize. I hate being vulnerable though so I only usually do this with my husband and my son. It’s a hard thing to learn not to over react. I’m still working on it. But it sure does help to read everybody else has either been through it or going through it. Thanks for sharing. Istar
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Response:
Grace, I am new to this ng, but not new to this group of misfit toys. Oh, no; not at all. If I had a dime for all the times I was hurt and angry about nothing, because that nothing *really* reminded me of something unspeakably painful, I’d be filthy rich, living in a mansion and being *very* good to the servants! Reading your post, and so many others I’ve seen here (I believe in creative and sympathetic lurking) I’ve been struck (hard) by how much pain I used to deal with, how much better my life is, now, how much I’ve changed, and how much work I have yet to do. I was physically and verbally abused by my nother and grandmother, rejected by my entire family and, because I am legally blind, abused every day in school. My father deserted my family, and returned just long enough to do some *serious* damage; whe I was teen-ager, I was sent away to boarding-school and then deserted, left to meke my own way at the age of 17. I’m not saying all this to piss and moan; I’m truly doing okay, now, and better than I ever expected. I just want you all to know that I’m not some whacko (well, no whackier than the rest of you, anyway!!!) trolling. I’ve *really* been there and done that. I’ve had years of therapy, including a new kind of therapy which specifically addresses post-traumatic stress disorder, and it’s so changed my life and outlook and behavior that I see it as nothing less than miraculous. I’ll be glad to tell anyone about it who wants to discuss it- but I know that, since none of you really knows me, I will arouse more suspicion than hope if I start extolling, at this point- and all i really want to say, for now, is: What you went through at the hands of a brutal and sadistic "father" is still hurting you, in the here-snd-now, and that’s entirely normal, after what you’ve been through. I do think you should consider explaining to your pasta-pal; no, you don’t have to tell him what is none of his business. And you should not tell him anything that will make you feel exposed- but you clearly know that you overreacted and it clearly bothers you that you may have hurt this man’s feelings, inadvertantly. All you need to tell him is that what he said brought back some bad memories, which you don’t want to discuss; you’d be surprised how many people have "bad memories" opf thier own, and will simply nod understnadingly, and not press you for gorey details. That’s just my opinion, and you have to do whatever will make you comfortable in this situation; feel free to ignore my advice (lots of my friends do, and I always forgive them!!!), but whatever you do, don’t forget to congratulate yourself for having lived through something that destructive, and having been able, through some astounding strength of chat=racter, to become a kind and considerate and decent person. HUG. Whatever you do, YOU ROCK!!! You can be very proud of that. HUG, April – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hello everyone Grace here I’m new to this group and am hoping I might be able to vent a little steam here once in awhile, beats the hell out of cutting myself anyway (thats in the past). Heres what happened….I was having dinner with a friend and he made a few comments about me eating all of his pasta, it was said in a joking way, but I got so angry I refused to even speak with him. The dumb ass who is my father used to do that to me all the time "go ahead eat, ill just watch" and every one of my siblings would giggle and dad would sit there, big man with his arms crossed against his chest and make me eat everything on my plate while he watched and commented on how fat, stupid and ugly I was. Anyway my poor friend doesnt understand why I was so defensive, and I dont feel the need to explain it to him. My question is, is every single comment I hear going to trigger some stupid reaction? I get so sensitive sometimes, and people don’t know how to react to me. Thanks Grace
Response:
beats the hell out of cutting myself anyway (thats in the past). I hear you…….I used to pick at my upper armsusually until I had gouged out a fairly respectable chunk…….and always until they bled…..
I’m still in awe that I actually did this to myself, but it really felt good when I did it. It didn’t hurt at all, I remember sitting at my desk at home watching myself bleed, not feeling any pain, just relief. Funny how the *other* autopilot from the past kicks in at that point isn’t it?I
I feel comfortable slipping into that role of ticked off human, I know it’s way out there, but it’s familiar and it keeps me at a safe distance from anyone emotionally. coffee….)
So he graduated from the same charm school my father did. …….it’s really hard to think you have to justify your every breath to
someone isn’t it? I guess my only question would be…….how well does this friend know you (like do they know anything at all about the abuse you suffered?) If this is a sort of *new* friendship……then I think you sort of need to feel your way along and maybe just give them a little hint now and then to hopefully
I’ve never told anyone about what happened to me, I don’t believe it’s anyones business. I would hate to have people look at me and say "…poor girl, you KNOW what her parents did to her.." I don’t want to be more of an outsider then I already am. …story about charm school student told…. I guess it’s a sort of evolution isn’t it? The more you understand how you react to react to you…. no way around it……just through it and then onward and upwards……right?
I hope you’re right Grace
Response:
..Carey wrote…. At least for me, what I have worked very hard on is *seeing* the person using the words now,not the creeps who beat me up with words (among other things 
) in the past. I try to allow the person/folks I am with *now* the freedom to *mean* what they say…to see *who* they are, and not to allow their mere choice of words to make them my tormentors from the past. It is hard work and it takes time, but it does get better, at least it did for
me. Hi Carey; I kept this advice in my head all day today, waiting for a moment when I could try it out, I guess I looked a little tense, people avoided me all day. I’m still trying to figure out if thats a good thing or a bad thing. Also, folks do tend to respond with bafflement and confusion when they get dished up a plate of old anger without fair warning… their expectations of the moment don’t fit what they are being confronted with. Lack of proportion is, IMO, one of the difficult ripple effects many survivors of childhood abuse have to deal with. How much of my feeling *belongs* to now, how much of it to the *past*, and how in the Sam Hill do I not blow folks away with the historic stuff and still be honest about *now*? Part of the answer, I think, is in coming to some kind of resolution with the historic stuff, but I am still working on that myself.
I admit to getting alot of strange looks when I blurt out something completely irrelevant to a situation I’m in. Quick explanation, when I start to get tense and start to feel threatened I usually say something my father used to say to me, not to the person im talking to, but to myself outloud. I have a tough time not having an emotion tied to something that happened to me in the past..even good things happening now get tied to the nastiness in the past, everything gets tainted. With my family and close friends I have more latitude.. …still casting bottles into the sea, Carey
Thanks Grace
Response:
…….Stef wrote….. Anyway, Grace, I totally understand. I’m very sensitive when I get into situations that remind me of anything that ever hurt me (even one time incidents). I don’t think it’s wrong, I think it’s human. Try to explain to your friend, though (if it bothered him, that is), b/c it isn’t his fault and I’m sure he’d like the chance to explain and apologize for not meaning any harm. Stef
Thanks Stef. My friend Dan, now referred to as Dan, Dan, the pasta man…actaully met me on my morning run to see if I was alright. I’m still not comfortable having anyone I know now, know about my past. I don’t know if I ever will. I told Dan I was just having a bad day and we laughed it off, meanwhile I know I’ll never have another meal with him. Grace
Response:
Thanks April… I try to convince myself sometimes that life was easier when I *was* feeling all alone in this… but it wasn’t… when I take a step back I realize that the moments when I want to be alone are when I need ppl most… Thank you for the hugs.. liz Sorry….but you’re not alone. HUG, April
Petit Poulet, Tout C’est Okay. Maintenant Bebe. Tout C’est Okay.
Response:
You are quite welcome Liz, I have a deep love for Canada and Canadians – wonderful people. From Gerrit Deppe to Sarah McLachlan or Shanna Twain. And I am pleased that you were able to make progress. This is kinda a good social disease – so pass it around. There is a reason why the people out there call me the dali lama of the United States, or brainaic, or any of the hundreds of names out there for me. The Lakota call me Objibway. With my warmest regards, Alan – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Alan! This is one of the favorite replies I have ever received in my life! (not that I am picking and choosing). Thank you so much for this.. it make perfect sense and it brought this huge smile to my face!!! You make a lot of sense to me here… the word sorry does seem sort of stuck in my throat… and you are right, I do need to replace it with others… I especially like the words you have choosen There is a lot I can learn from you obviously…I apologize for anything and everything… the hole in the ozone.. that’s my fault.. I just had to use hairspray in the 80’s!!! Sounds like you got a pretty good grip on stuff like this…. so I am taking your advice… and I’m going to try to rid my vocab of that nasty word "sorry"…. it’s about time I think…. Thanks for the hugs… Thank you so much for sharing…. I honestly am going to take your advice and work on this…. you were heard in Canada Alan… thank you so much liz Hey Liz. With the power of the word and the use or abuse of it – when you keep using the word "sorry" you become a sorry looking and sounding person. And I doubt that you have violated anybody and there is no reason to be sorry. You have not hurt anyone. Me I never say I am sorry. I will apologize, I will make amends. The only person who I will beg pardon from is a Judge – as they are the only ones who can give a pardon. So it is I apologize to someone who I inadverently hurt or did a faux pas or something to say excuse me or what not. But never sorry. I know the word keeps coming up in your mind. And thats ok for right now. See if you can just throw the word away and never use it again – along with shoulds of couse – dont say shoulds either, very messy. Needs toilet paper to clean up afterwards when you should on yourself or others. Oh as another thought – when you wake up in the morning. Try this. And see what happens. Start saying (using the power of the word) that "I feel terrific". And say I feel terrific about three hundred times, out loud in your voice so you can hear it – even if you feel like crap. And it is a crappy day. Say it. I feel terrific. And see what happens to how you feel after saying it 300 times. Then say "I feel responsible" for 300 times. Then say "I feel terrific feeling responsible". Then say "People love me and people love to give me money" (this is my favorite one) about 300 times. And after about 15 mintues I swear – you will feel differently. You will feel terrific, and responsible and that people love you and love to give you money …. and watch how your day unfolds with this energy of spoken love, prosperity, and terrific energy you have; simply because you talked yourself into it. Instead of talking yourself into what you are into right now. The proof is in the pudding sweetie. And if you dont try it out – you will never see what it is like. Who knows it might not work – especially if you are a reactionary revolutionary in your personalty in your control issues and authority figures. But I think you are not that way. cyberspace hugs if you will have them. SumBuddie In article I hope nobody minds me posting so much these days… I’m really struggling over here and well… it seems to be coming from an endless source… When I am upset my mind works in sentances that start with "sorry"… I’ve had a horrible day today….and for that I am sorry. Petit Poulet, Tout C’est Okay. Maintenant Bebe. Tout C’est Okay. s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s
Response:
Hi Grace Welcome to the group. I’m just another one who can say that I know just how you feel. Maybe our father’s were twins seperated at birth. Your letter brought back memories of my food intake being watched and counted (shivers). It’s so good to be grown up! I think that your awareness of who you’re really angry with (okay, I know that should be with whom…) is a the biggest part of healing and dealing with it. So you’re doing well, even though it doesn’t feel like it. Please come back, mouse
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Alan! This is one of the favorite replies I have ever received in my life! (not that I am picking and choosing). Thank you so much for this.. it make perfect sense and it brought this huge smile to my face!!! You make a lot of sense to me here… the word sorry does seem sort of stuck in my throat… and you are right, I do need to replace it with others… I especially like the words you have choosen There is a lot I can learn from you obviously…I apologize for anything and everything… the hole in the ozone.. that’s my fault.. I just had to use hairspray in the 80’s!!! Sounds like you got a pretty good grip on stuff like this…. so I am taking your advice… and I’m going to try to rid my vocab of that nasty word "sorry"…. it’s about time I think…. Thanks for the hugs… Thank you so much for sharing…. I honestly am going to take your advice and work on this…. you were heard in Canada Alan… thank you so much liz – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hey Liz. With the power of the word and the use or abuse of it – when you keep using the word "sorry" you become a sorry looking and sounding person. And I doubt that you have violated anybody and there is no reason to be sorry. You have not hurt anyone. Me I never say I am sorry. I will apologize, I will make amends. The only person who I will beg pardon from is a Judge – as they are the only ones who can give a pardon. So it is I apologize to someone who I inadverently hurt or did a faux pas or something to say excuse me or what not. But never sorry. I know the word keeps coming up in your mind. And thats ok for right now. See if you can just throw the word away and never use it again – along with shoulds of couse – dont say shoulds either, very messy. Needs toilet paper to clean up afterwards when you should on yourself or others. Oh as another thought – when you wake up in the morning. Try this. And see what happens. Start saying (using the power of the word) that "I feel terrific". And say I feel terrific about three hundred times, out loud in your voice so you can hear it – even if you feel like crap. And it is a crappy day. Say it. I feel terrific. And see what happens to how you feel after saying it 300 times. Then say "I feel responsible" for 300 times. Then say "I feel terrific feeling responsible". Then say "People love me and people love to give me money" (this is my favorite one) about 300 times. And after about 15 mintues I swear – you will feel differently. You will feel terrific, and responsible and that people love you and love to give you money …. and watch how your day unfolds with this energy of spoken love, prosperity, and terrific energy you have; simply because you talked yourself into it. Instead of talking yourself into what you are into right now. The proof is in the pudding sweetie. And if you dont try it out – you will never see what it is like. Who knows it might not work – especially if you are a reactionary revolutionary in your personalty in your control issues and authority figures. But I think you are not that way. cyberspace hugs if you will have them. SumBuddie In article I hope nobody minds me posting so much these days… I’m really struggling over here and well… it seems to be coming from an endless source… When I am upset my mind works in sentances that start with "sorry"… I’ve had a horrible day today….and for that I am sorry.
Petit Poulet, Tout C’est Okay. Maintenant Bebe. Tout C’est Okay. s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s s
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Hello everyone Grace here I’m new to this group
and am hoping I might be able to vent a little steam here once in awhile, beats the hell out of cutting myself anyway (thats in the past).
I hear you…….I used to pick at my upper armsusually until I had gouged out a fairly respectable chunk…….and always until they bled….. Heres what happened….I was having dinner with a friend and he made a few comments about me eating all of his pasta, it was said in a joking way, but I got so angry I refused to even speak with him.
Funny how the *other* autopilot from the past kicks in at that point isn’t it?I The dumb ass who is my father used to do that to me all the time "go ahead eat, ill just watch" and every one of my siblings would giggle and dad would sit there, big man with his arms crossed against his chest and make me eat everything on my plate while he watched and commented on how fat, stupid and ugly I was.
coffee….) Anyway my poor friend doesnt understand why I was so defensive, and I dont feel the need to explain it to him.
I understand what you mean here…….it’s really hard to think you have to justify your every breath to someone isn’t it? I guess my only question would be…….how well does this friend know you (like do they know anything at all about the abuse you suffered?) If this is a sort of *new* friendship……then I think you sort of need to feel your way along and maybe just give them a little hint now and then to My question is, is every single comment I hear going to trigger some stupid reaction?
Probably not everyone…….depends how your memories are strung together and which going to trigger a memory (mine have been buried for a verrrrrrrrry long time)…..Once I was talking to a girlfriend about selling some of my jewelry, some rings…..and I asked her if she would be interested in any. She said to me "aren’t any of your rings worth anything to you..like sentimentally? Like don’t old…….laying across my father’s lap…….and staring at my engagement concentrating on that ring…….and realizing for the very first time that for him to be "spanking"(??) and I say this with ?? marks because I grey out here and honestly can’t remember what the hell was going on but I knew that it was wrong…….and I can remember feeling really scared because I had thought that if I was engaged….that this ring would somehow be a "talisman" sort of and protect you do know…..you will never…ever forget….. I get so sensitive sometimes, and people don’t know how to react to me.
I guess it’s a sort of evolution isn’t it? The more you understand how you react react to you…. Thanks Grace
no way around it……just through it and then onward and upwards……right? Keep
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My father did the same thing. I was very skinny as a child (sickly so), but then when I got to the age of around 10 years old I started to get the "pre-pubescent fat" that a lot of little girls get and which I’m getting now again (apparently pre-pubescence returns when you are 25, HA HA). Anyway, he would buy me chocolates while at the deli on his way home (as he always did even when I was younger), only now he would hand me the box and say "Got your favorite chocolates", what a sweet dad, right….NOT, then he would literally stand and wait for me to open the box, take out a chocolate, and take a bite. He then would say "You’ve gotten so fat and ugly, you’re pathetic". Can’t say he’s changed since then, still a complete jerk (to put it VERY mildly). Recently their house got broken into while I was staying there and he forced me (HIS DAUGHTER, who had never even taken a cent from anyone without very politely asking first) to take a lie detector test, no pleases, no explanations and no thanks afterwards (not that any of this would have mattered) Anyway, he sucks sh*t and I no longer want to ever see him again…well maybe at his funeral (sorry if that was a bit tacky, hey, he raised me). Anyway, Grace, I totally understand. I’m very sensitive when I get into situations that remind me of anything that ever hurt me (even one time incidents). I don’t think it’s wrong, I think it’s human. Try to explain to your friend, though (if it bothered him, that is), b/c it isn’t his fault and I’m sure he’d like the chance to explain and apologize for not meaning any harm. Stef – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hello everyone Grace here I’m new to this group and am hoping I might be able to vent a little steam here once in awhile, beats the hell out of cutting myself anyway (thats in the past). Heres what happened….I was having dinner with a friend and he made a few comments about me eating all of his pasta, it was said in a joking way, but I got so angry I refused to even speak with him. The dumb ass who is my father used to do that to me all the time "go ahead eat, ill just watch" and every one of my siblings would giggle and dad would sit there, big man with his arms crossed against his chest and make me eat everything on my plate while he watched and commented on how fat, stupid and ugly I was. Anyway my poor friend doesnt understand why I was so defensive, and I dont feel the need to explain it to him. My question is, is every single comment I hear going to trigger some stupid reaction? I get so sensitive sometimes, and people don’t know how to react to me. Thanks Grace
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It’s late and i just got off work.. double shift today and i’m tired and bleary eyed. but dang it, alan.. this is good stuff. pat – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hey Liz. With the power of the word and the use or abuse of it – when you keep using the word "sorry" you become a sorry looking and sounding person. And I doubt that you have violated anybody and there is no reason to be sorry. You have not hurt anyone. Me I never say I am sorry. I will apologize, I will make amends. The only person who I will beg pardon from is a Judge – as they are the only ones who can give a pardon. So it is I apologize to someone who I inadverently hurt or did a faux pas or something to say excuse me or what not. But never sorry. I know the word keeps coming up in your mind. And thats ok for right now. See if you can just throw the word away and never use it again – along with shoulds of couse – dont say shoulds either, very messy. Needs toilet paper to clean up afterwards when you should on yourself or others. Oh as another thought – when you wake up in the morning. Try this. And see what happens. Start saying (using the power of the word) that "I feel terrific". And say I feel terrific about three hundred times, out loud in your voice so you can hear it – even if you feel like crap. And it is a crappy day. Say it. I feel terrific. And see what happens to how you feel after saying it 300 times. Then say "I feel responsible" for 300 times. Then say "I feel terrific feeling responsible". Then say "People love me and people love to give me money" (this is my favorite one) about 300 times. And after about 15 mintues I swear – you will feel differently. You will feel terrific, and responsible and that people love you and love to give you money …. and watch how your day unfolds with this energy of spoken love, prosperity, and terrific energy you have; simply because you talked yourself into it. Instead of talking yourself into what you are into right now. The proof is in the pudding sweetie. And if you dont try it out – you will never see what it is like. Who knows it might not work – especially if you are a reactionary revolutionary in your personalty in your control issues and authority figures. But I think you are not that way. cyberspace hugs if you will have them. SumBuddie In article I hope nobody minds me posting so much these days… I’m really struggling over here and well… it seems to be coming from an endless source… When I am upset my mind works in sentances that start with "sorry"… I’ve had a horrible day today….and for that I am sorry. I never write about those dark clouds, or the rain, or even the chill of rolling mist… Nope. I normally try to write about the sound of a violin, a baby laughing and yes the occassional rant and scream… Today all of that is gone from me…. Why do I do this? I am sorry that I am even alive this week… I seem to be entering a depression of sorts that is deeper than anything I have ever experienced before…deep indeed, and yes there are dark clouds, rain, and a chilly mist, and they are all comsumming… and I am an easy target…. I am sorry that I’m not stronger, wiser, prettier, whatever would make them love me. I’m just so tired…. I’M SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TIRED. My bed feels like a prison of sorts and I walk to it as tho I were pulling a ball and chain. And it breaks my heart to return to those places, where I was tortured so many times, and in so many ways…. my heart feels like it’s dying…. I am overcome by all this… I want to scream and cry and I do, but the source is endless… And today, I don’t want to be helded, I don’t want to be soothed and I don’t want to be touched. I want to be alone. I want to forget. I don’t know where to put this pain today… I am overcome… and so far from reach. I will likely hurt myself again tonight… I know I will and I will never get over the shame of it, and I will never get over the fact that it is I who continue my own abuse… and it is in this way that it will never really end…And I will never understand the why’s and how’s or these self punishing acts… and i will never understand why it brings such relief. And the voice from inside me tells me that it is going to be ok. this will pass, it always does and it always will… I am sorry. I am sorry that I am me. I am sorry that I was thrown to this earth and I am sorry that I grew like a weed. I am sorry that I ever touched this pain, sorry that I gave it a voice, and sorry that I ever opened this Pandora’s box. I am sorry that I have no happiness, or kindness to offer today. Sorry that my heart has nothing for you, sorry that my hands cannot touch, and that my voice cannot sooth. I am sorry that my saddness has awoken, sorry that I am here, sorry that you are here to read this and sorry that I ever learnt my name. liz Petit Poulet, Tout C’est Okay. Maintenant Bebe. Tout C’est Okay.
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Hey Grace; It is common for dysfunctional people to operate out of two gears. First gear is called "Perfect". Second gear is called "Fuck It". What I would like to share with you is that there is whole universe of gears between those two extremes of what could be called black and white, right and wrong, truth and false. Well if you had other gears to run your life in, you know other healthy tools instead of the two you are working with – well it is quite likely you would find someother way to be and become with people (you are fucked in your relationship issues in your head in regards to yourself, other people and your higher power) and yourself then trying to cut them or you. With real things or just your tongue. With the historcial bad parent messages you got, you have to reparent yourself and give you good parent messages. There are other mental imagery exercises like blowing roses, or drawing pictures just to burn up in the fire place a month later in a spiritual healing ceremony you do for you. If you keep doing what you have always been doing – you will keep getting what you have always gotten. A wise and reasonable person would notice this and do something different and see how that works out over the long term. The proof is in the pudding, and when you ride the bike of recovery, expect to fall off a few times before you get it how to ride or walk in balance, with clear eyes, a straight tongue and no shame in your heart. Keep up the good work. SumBuddie – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hello everyone Grace here I’m new to this group and am hoping I might be able to vent a little steam here once in awhile, beats the hell out of cutting myself anyway (thats in the past). Heres what happened….I was having dinner with a friend and he made a few comments about me eating all of his pasta, it was said in a joking way, but I got so angry I refused to even speak with him. The dumb ass who is my father used to do that to me all the time "go ahead eat, ill just watch" and every one of my siblings would giggle and dad would sit there, big man with his arms crossed against his chest and make me eat everything on my plate while he watched and commented on how fat, stupid and ugly I was. Anyway my poor friend doesnt understand why I was so defensive, and I dont feel the need to explain it to him. My question is, is every single comment I hear going to trigger some stupid reaction? I get so sensitive sometimes, and people don’t know how to react to me. Thanks Grace
Response:
Hey Liz. With the power of the word and the use or abuse of it – when you keep using the word "sorry" you become a sorry looking and sounding person. And I doubt that you have violated anybody and there is no reason to be sorry. You have not hurt anyone. Me I never say I am sorry. I will apologize, I will make amends. The only person who I will beg pardon from is a Judge – as they are the only ones who can give a pardon. So it is I apologize to someone who I inadverently hurt or did a faux pas or something to say excuse me or what not. But never sorry. I know the word keeps coming up in your mind. And thats ok for right now. See if you can just throw the word away and never use it again – along with shoulds of couse – dont say shoulds either, very messy. Needs toilet paper to clean up afterwards when you should on yourself or others. Oh as another thought – when you wake up in the morning. Try this. And see what happens. Start saying (using the power of the word) that "I feel terrific". And say I feel terrific about three hundred times, out loud in your voice so you can hear it – even if you feel like crap. And it is a crappy day. Say it. I feel terrific. And see what happens to how you feel after saying it 300 times. Then say "I feel responsible" for 300 times. Then say "I feel terrific feeling responsible". Then say "People love me and people love to give me money" (this is my favorite one) about 300 times. And after about 15 mintues I swear – you will feel differently. You will feel terrific, and responsible and that people love you and love to give you money …. and watch how your day unfolds with this energy of spoken love, prosperity, and terrific energy you have; simply because you talked yourself into it. Instead of talking yourself into what you are into right now. The proof is in the pudding sweetie. And if you dont try it out – you will never see what it is like. Who knows it might not work – especially if you are a reactionary revolutionary in your personalty in your control issues and authority figures. But I think you are not that way. cyberspace hugs if you will have them. SumBuddie In article – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I hope nobody minds me posting so much these days… I’m really struggling over here and well… it seems to be coming from an endless source… When I am upset my mind works in sentances that start with "sorry"… I’ve had a horrible day today….and for that I am sorry. I never write about those dark clouds, or the rain, or even the chill of rolling mist… Nope. I normally try to write about the sound of a violin, a baby laughing and yes the occassional rant and scream… Today all of that is gone from me…. Why do I do this? I am sorry that I am even alive this week… I seem to be entering a depression of sorts that is deeper than anything I have ever experienced before…deep indeed, and yes there are dark clouds, rain, and a chilly mist, and they are all comsumming… and I am an easy target…. I am sorry that I’m not stronger, wiser, prettier, whatever would make them love me. I’m just so tired…. I’M SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TIRED. My bed feels like a prison of sorts and I walk to it as tho I were pulling a ball and chain. And it breaks my heart to return to those places, where I was tortured so many times, and in so many ways…. my heart feels like it’s dying…. I am overcome by all this… I want to scream and cry and I do, but the source is endless… And today, I don’t want to be helded, I don’t want to be soothed and I don’t want to be touched. I want to be alone. I want to forget. I don’t know where to put this pain today… I am overcome… and so far from reach. I will likely hurt myself again tonight… I know I will and I will never get over the shame of it, and I will never get over the fact that it is I who continue my own abuse… and it is in this way that it will never really end…And I will never understand the why’s and how’s or these self punishing acts… and i will never understand why it brings such relief. And the voice from inside me tells me that it is going to be ok. this will pass, it always does and it always will… I am sorry. I am sorry that I am me. I am sorry that I was thrown to this earth and I am sorry that I grew like a weed. I am sorry that I ever touched this pain, sorry that I gave it a voice, and sorry that I ever opened this Pandora’s box. I am sorry that I have no happiness, or kindness to offer today. Sorry that my heart has nothing for you, sorry that my hands cannot touch, and that my voice cannot sooth. I am sorry that my saddness has awoken, sorry that I am here, sorry that you are here to read this and sorry that I ever learnt my name. liz Petit Poulet, Tout C’est Okay. Maintenant Bebe. Tout C’est Okay.
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Sorry….but you’re not alone. HUG, April
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Hello everyone Grace here I’m new to this group and am hoping I might be able to vent a little steam here once in awhile, beats the hell out of cutting myself anyway (thats in the past). Heres what happened….I was having dinner with a friend and he made a few comments about me eating all of his pasta, it was said in a joking way, but I got so angry I refused to even speak with him. The dumb ass who is my father used to do that to me all the time "go ahead eat, ill just watch" and every one of my siblings would giggle and dad would sit there, big man with his arms crossed against his chest and make me eat everything on my plate while he watched and commented on how fat, stupid and ugly I was. Anyway my poor friend doesnt understand why I was so defensive, and I dont feel the need to explain it to him. My question is, is every single comment I hear going to trigger some stupid reaction? I get so sensitive sometimes, and people don’t know how to react to me. Thanks Grace
Response:
Hi Alan Try this. And see what happens. Start saying (using the power of the word) that "I feel terrific".
I like this advice, but ……. And say I feel terrific about three hundred times, out loud in your voice so you can hear it – even if you feel like crap. And it is a crappy day. Say it.
300 times? Tell me how long that takes. Not that I don’t have time to spend on saying it 300 times, but I’m just wondering how much time it takes. I’m serious, really. I feel terrific. And see what happens to how you feel after saying it 300 times. Then say "I feel responsible" for 300 times.
I’m still with you, and this sounds good too. But now I’m to say both those things 600 times. And now wondering how long it takes to say those two things 600 times. Then say "I feel terrific feeling responsible".
Ok I’m STILL with you, but now I’ve got three things to say for a total of 900 times. Can I just tape it the frist time I say it and listen to it the next day? I’m still being serious. Really I am. I swear I am. Then say "People love me and people love to give me money" (this is my favorite one) about 300 times.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Ok sorry Now you’ve gone and done it I can not say this last one. I CAN say People love me, but not people love to give me money. hehehehehehe I’m sorry I just can’t! Does it really work? And now were are up to 1200 things I need to say. Can’t I just say 300 times I feel terrific and responsabil and People live me? Sure would take less time. And after about 15 mintues I swear – you will feel differently.
After 15 minutes, and how many hours to say this? Awwwww Alan, I’m just teasing, should (oops) I say I’m sorry (oops) for teasing you? Kaitlyn – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -You will feel terrific, and responsible and that people love you and love to give you money …. and watch how your day unfolds with this energy of spoken love, prosperity, and terrific energy you have; simply because you talked yourself into it. Instead of talking yourself into what you are into right now. The proof is in the pudding sweetie. And if you dont try it out – you will never see what it is like. Who knows it might not work – especially if you are a reactionary revolutionary in your personalty in your control issues and authority figures. But I think you are not that way. cyberspace hugs if you will have them. SumBuddie In article I hope nobody minds me posting so much these days… I’m really struggling over here and well… it seems to be coming from an endless source… When I am upset my mind works in sentances that start with "sorry"… I’ve had a horrible day today….and for that I am sorry. I never write about those dark clouds, or the rain, or even the chill of rolling mist… Nope. I normally try to write about the sound of a violin, a baby laughing and yes the occassional rant and scream… Today all of that is gone from me…. Why do I do this? I am sorry that I am even alive this week… I seem to be entering a depression of sorts that is deeper than anything I have ever experienced before…deep indeed, and yes there are dark clouds, rain, and a chilly mist, and they are all comsumming… and I am an easy target…. I am sorry that I’m not stronger, wiser, prettier, whatever would make them love me. I’m just so tired…. I’M SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TIRED. My bed feels like a prison of sorts and I walk to it as tho I were pulling a ball and chain. And it breaks my heart to return to those places, where I was tortured so many times, and in so many ways…. my heart feels like it’s dying…. I am overcome by all this… I want to scream and cry and I do, but the source is endless… And today, I don’t want to be helded, I don’t want to be soothed and I don’t want to be touched. I want to be alone. I want to forget. I don’t know where to put this pain today… I am overcome… and so far from reach. I will likely hurt myself again tonight… I know I will and I will never get over the shame of it, and I will never get over the fact that it is I who continue my own abuse… and it is in this way that it will never really end…And I will never understand the why’s and how’s or these self punishing acts… and i will never understand why it brings such relief. And the voice from inside me tells me that it is going to be ok. this will pass, it always does and it always will… I am sorry. I am sorry that I am me. I am sorry that I was thrown to this earth and I am sorry that I grew like a weed. I am sorry that I ever touched this pain, sorry that I gave it a voice, and sorry that I ever opened this Pandora’s box. I am sorry that I have no happiness, or kindness to offer today. Sorry that my heart has nothing for you, sorry that my hands cannot touch, and that my voice cannot sooth. I am sorry that my saddness has awoken, sorry that I am here, sorry that you are here to read this and sorry that I ever learnt my name. liz Petit Poulet, Tout C’est Okay. Maintenant Bebe. Tout C’est Okay.
Response:
I hope nobody minds me posting so much these days… I’m really struggling over here and well… it seems to be coming from an endless source… When I am upset my mind works in sentances that start with "sorry"… I’ve had a horrible day today….and for that I am sorry. I never write about those dark clouds, or the rain, or even the chill of rolling mist… Nope. I normally try to write about the sound of a violin, a baby laughing and yes the occassional rant and scream… Today all of that is gone from me…. Why do I do this? I am sorry that I am even alive this week… I seem to be entering a depression of sorts that is deeper than anything I have ever experienced before…deep indeed, and yes there are dark clouds, rain, and a chilly mist, and they are all comsumming… and I am an easy target…. I am sorry that I’m not stronger, wiser, prettier, whatever would make them love me. I’m just so tired…. I’M SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TIRED. My bed feels like a prison of sorts and I walk to it as tho I were pulling a ball and chain. And it breaks my heart to return to those places, where I was tortured so many times, and in so many ways…. my heart feels like it’s dying…. I am overcome by all this… I want to scream and cry and I do, but the source is endless… And today, I don’t want to be helded, I don’t want to be soothed and I don’t want to be touched. I want to be alone. I want to forget. I don’t know where to put this pain today… I am overcome… and so far from reach. I will likely hurt myself again tonight… I know I will and I will never get over the shame of it, and I will never get over the fact that it is I who continue my own abuse… and it is in this way that it will never really end…And I will never understand the why’s and how’s or these self punishing acts… and i will never understand why it brings such relief. And the voice from inside me tells me that it is going to be ok. this will pass, it always does and it always will… I am sorry. I am sorry that I am me. I am sorry that I was thrown to this earth and I am sorry that I grew like a weed. I am sorry that I ever touched this pain, sorry that I gave it a voice, and sorry that I ever opened this Pandora’s box. I am sorry that I have no happiness, or kindness to offer today. Sorry that my heart has nothing for you, sorry that my hands cannot touch, and that my voice cannot sooth. I am sorry that my saddness has awoken, sorry that I am here, sorry that you are here to read this and sorry that I ever learnt my name. liz Petit Poulet, Tout C’est Okay. Maintenant Bebe. Tout C’est Okay.
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