Question:
To all who are here, I am desperately seeking opinions and advice. Several times last week I signed on as someone else and became a different person. Today I felt this PUSHING of someone wanting to come up and I was fighting it. Eventually a little girl, 8 years old, came to the surface. She played kites with the other kids and talked to everybody. I have asked people (one who talked to her) if they think I have MPD, 2 people said yes, 1 said no. But I have never had a problem with this before and I am aware although there/not there there is no loss of consciousness. Please, tell me if I am, or if I’m not, what am I? Please I’m desperate. I feel like a flake and am afraid of being a liar and a pretender and I do not want to talk myself into believing I am something that I am not. I don’t trust myself at all right now. To anyone, everyone who answers, thank you!
Response:
Unfortunately, you’ve asked a question that can’t be answered here. The ability to decide is only possible with someone who knows you well and who is trained to do this, or within yourself as you become more familiar with the categories. If you have a t’pist I’d say this would be a good topic for a session (or ten:). Otherwise you are the only one who can tell in the long run. For _me_ the deciding factor was the realization that inside these others are _really_ other people. Regardless of how this sounds logically, or how they present externally, I believe there is a gut feeling that everyone can get to eventually that will just tell you what is going on. In my case it meant I was multiple. In other people I know it’s meant they aren’t. The line between multiplicity and DDNOS (we have _got_ to come up with another term for this!) is _so_ vague that it’s probably impossible to know in some cases if the person is multiple or not. And it’s possible (in my way of thinking of all of this) to be ’sort of’ multiple. I think we need a term that would cover everyone who is not quite multiple but is clearly more than a singleton. But that doesn’t help does it? 
So you are left asking yourself some questions: regardless of what you have thought of in the past, does this other one seem separate from you? Do you think of her as ‘not me’? Do you have this almost undescribable sense that you are not a singleton? Or, do you accept and understand that this other one is ultimately ‘you’ or some aspect of ‘you’ or whatever (hard to describe as I don’t experience this sort of dissociation). THere have been a few times when people have read here (or in other dissociation groups) and it some how strengthened their dissociation so that their DDNOS got closer to being DID. I know of at least one person who decided she was multiple, and then later decided that she was in fact DDNOS and that her idea of being multiple came from wanting to fit in. Rest assured that _I_ will accept you as DDNOS, DID, singleton, or any other variation of letters you would prefer *grin* I’m sure I speak for most everyone else in this group on this subject too. The label you ultimately decide on won’t change your participation in this group from the stand point of the rest of us. We will continue to interact with you based on your presentation here (in any and all your variations:) Try to get a copy of the FAQ. There is some really good information in there on what to label yourself. Rainbow Colors (Jill) To all who are here, I am desperately seeking opinions and advice. Several times last week I signed on as someone else and became a different person. Today I felt this PUSHING of someone wanting to come up and I was fighting it. Eventually a little girl, 8 years old, came to the surface. She played kites with the other kids and talked to everybody. I have asked people (one who talked to her) if they think I have MPD, 2 people said yes, 1 said no. But I have never had a problem with this before and I am aware although there/not there there is no loss of consciousness. Please, tell me if I am, or if I’m not, what am I? Please I’m desperate. I feel like a flake and am afraid of being a liar and a pretender and I do not want to talk myself into believing I am something that I am not. I don’t trust myself at all right now. To anyone, everyone who answers, thank you!
– I am in the process of becoming, so this space is blank.
Response:
Dear Lawrence – I feel bad for you that you are feeling desperate. I am interested to understand better what the source of desperation is. Let me say why: one of my tx’s once told me that it didn’t matter whether I was multiple or just massively dissociative because the healing process is the same. I still believe this is *sort*of* true. I adopted a go-with-the-flow attitude. And the flow, which included reading here, eventually led me to being more comfortable in considering the possibility of being multiple – and then I had a confirming experience (similar to many I had had in the past, but was not then ready to understand) which has led me to think of myself as multiple. It works for me, thinking this way. But it wasn’t something that I decided intellectually, and not something my tx was prepared to give a definitive reading on. I don’t know if this helps at all. The only other thing I would like to say is that actually, I like myself as a multiple much better than I liked myself before thinking of myself as a multiple. This is because thinking in this way, and proceeding with understanding myself and my actions according to this viewpoint about myself, has led to so much better and deeper insights and has also led to my being able to heal some of the hurt I have been dragging around in darkness for such a long time. Be of good cheer, Lawrence. The little girl sounds sweet. Best warm wishes – Beauty To all who are here, I am desperately seeking opinions and advice. Several times last week I signed on as someone else and became a different person. Today I felt this PUSHING of someone wanting to come up and I was fighting it. Eventually a little girl, 8 years old, came to the surface. She played kites with the other kids and talked to everybody. I have asked people (one who talked to her) if they think I have MPD, 2 people said yes, 1 said no. But I have never had a problem with this before and I am aware although there/not there there is no loss of consciousness. Please, tell me if I am, or if I’m not, what am I? Please I’m desperate. I feel like a flake and am afraid of being a liar and a pretender and I do not want to talk myself into believing I am something that I am not. I don’t trust myself at all right now. To anyone, everyone who answers, thank you!
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Response:
To all who are here, I am desperately seeking opinions and advice. Several times last week I signed on as someone else and became a different person. Today I felt this PUSHING of someone wanting to come up and I was fighting it. Eventually a little girl, 8 years old, came to the surface. She played kites with the other kids and talked to everybody. I have asked people (one who talked to her) if they think I have MPD, 2 people said yes, 1 said no. But I have never had a problem with this before and I am aware although there/not there there is no loss of consciousness. Please, tell me if I am, or if I’m not, what am I? Please I’m desperate. I feel like a flake and am afraid of being a liar and a pretender and I do not want to talk myself into believing I am something that I am not. I don’t trust myself at all right now. To anyone, everyone who answers, thank you!
Hi Lawrence, Sounds like you’re at a very scary place. I don’t know what you mean when you say you ’signed on as someone else’. Signed on where? Anyway, though, I think it’s wise not to talk yourself into believing you are something you’re not. I think that sorting out what’s going on might take a while though, with the help of a few doctors and/or therapists and some deep soul-searching. You’ll need to be patient. I certainly can’t tell you anything about whether the ‘pushing of someone wanting to come up’ was an MPD/DID experience – from what others in asd have told me it’s a more complex thing than that and some people have that sort of experience without being DID. People who are aware of fragments/splits/alters are often described as being less dissociative than those who are unaware (although there are certainly exceptions to that). It does sound like there’s something that needs attention, though. FWIW (For What It’s Worth) I’m not diagnosed with anything and don’t feel I need a diagnosis to work with. I have the characteristics of a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and also some more distinctly dissociative problems. What would you recommend to someone who felt scared and desperate? I think I’d suggest that they take a few deep breaths and see if there’s any immediate danger first. It might seem like a simple cliche or an empty phrase, but once I learned to do that it made a big difference to my coping abilities. I once read that the difference between no coping and any coping is a far bigger step than between some coping and better coping. These first steps are the hardest – they might seem impossible – but once made every other step is only a variation, still difficult but more possible. And it might get worse before it gets better Sorry, it’s sad but true – and there are plenty of people posting and lurking in asd who could testify to that (me being one). What I would most strongly recommend, once you’ve taken a deep breath, is to start finding out about sources of help in your area. You can read about things for yourself at public libraries or by buying ’self-help’ books. You can start to look up psychologists, psychiatrists or other health professionals and see if any of them have much experience with similar problems. You can get a general practitioner’s help in finding someone who specialises. You can try and find community groups and support groups that work in this area. I suggest that you try to find a therapist of some sort, somehow. Many in asd have not found a therapist who could help, some don’t feel they need to, some have been misguided or misdirected. It’s not going to be easy. Speaking from my own experience, I think a therapist who you ‘click’ with and can work with you is the best help possible. I am reasonably sceptical so I needed someone who did not push any personal agendas and was objective in her style. Your needs may differ. I had seen several therapists before I met this one and worked with three different ones over about a six month period before choosing her as the best. I guess the most important first step is one that you’ve already made; you’ve accepted that there is something going on, there is an ‘it’ that you need help with. Communicating as gently and slowly about ‘it’ as you need is probably a good place to go from there (whether you want to do it in asd or not), and you’re welcome to just tell stories about Jello and chocolate chip cookies if that seems more comfortable, too. Mick. — For more information about this service, send e-mail to:
Response:
If you’re anything like me, you’ll drive yourself nuts trying to figure out whether you’re "really multi" or "just making it up for attention" or "somewhere in-between". The doubt and wondering can be as bothersome as the little bits of yourself who’re pushing to make themselves known. And reading about other folks doesn’t necessarily help you to figure out where you fit in. I’ve been studying this stuff for more than a year, and still can’t quite figure out what’s going on with me. But I do know myself better; even the encapsulated parts of myself that were more deeply hidden a year ago. It’s hard, huh? Take care, swiv
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – If you’re anything like me, you’ll drive yourself nuts trying to figure out whether you’re "really multi" or "just making it up for attention" or "somewhere in-between". The doubt and wondering can be as bothersome as the little bits of yourself who’re pushing to make themselves known. And reading about other folks doesn’t necessarily help you to figure out where you fit in. I’ve been studying this stuff for more than a year, and still can’t quite figure out what’s going on with me. But I do know myself better; even the encapsulated parts of myself that were more deeply hidden a year ago. It’s hard, huh? Take care, swiv
I wholeheartedly agree with the "driving your(selves) nuts part. It’s been a lot like having an itch under your skin that you can get to and scratch! It’s totally scr*w*d, but learning is good. Sierra 
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