Question:
Imagine that you come home to find your bedroom window broken. Nothing has been stolen–no signs of foul play are about–so you simply accept the "now" of the situation and replace the window. Have you fixed the problem? Maybe, but maybe not. What if the window was broken by that tree limb that bangs on the glass whenever there is a storm. Or perhaps a vandal who has been habitually breaking windows for sport was responsible. All you’ve succeeded in doing is putting a bandaid on the problem, and you hope that it stays resolved. If you looked deeper into "what happened?" you might have discovered that this damn tree near your window needs to have a few branches removed, or that some efforts need to be applied to catch a vandal before he strikes again. I am not a strong believer in "faith". I really prefer not to apply bandaids to fix a problem simply because some people believe you should always concentrate on the "now" of a situation. Sometimes, the past is part of the now, and it needs to be addressed before you can move into the future. For me, it is helpful to try and start from the bottom of a problem and to work my way up. Admittedly, if I start in the middle (middle meaning not past or future), it is possible that I will solve my problem. It is also possible that I will only place a band-aid on it just to have it creep back up on me in the future. There is a great deal to be said for treating the "now". That broken window needs the glass replaced, regardless of what caused the problem. That is dealing with the now. Unfortunately, there may be a few more steps needed to really treat the problem. As for blame, I am not attempting to place responsibility in an attempt to feel vindication. I am trying to assess reasons (not excuses, not blame) so that I may effectively deal with the "now". Hope this makes sense. mike
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – HOW WONDERFUL LIFE IS, WHILE YOU’RE IN THE WORLD….ELTON JOHN As human beings we like to even need to ascribe reasons for things-causes to effects a whole science was developed about this cause effect thing-we also developed philosophies and theories and whole schools of thought utilizing our childhood our unconscious and many many other "reasons" why we have things or are a certain way-when that doesn’t work we like to look for "medical" causes or other causitive dynamic reasons for why things are a certain way-in some ways its as if we want a place of blame of responsibility a explainable tangible source of our misery-the problem with that is that this process of looking at the reason the cause takes us away from now-and it being reductionsitic usually yeilds little constructive results-I share my symapthy my empathy and compassion to any one who has been abused by a parent a sibling a gene an illness a friend a country-but why is it that some who are afflicted by abuse survive and do well and others not-what constitutes the differences in persons—-It is what they actively believe about their past or their genes or their biology-I am simplifying a very complex set of concepts and I apologize if this sounds hokey or incomplete and open for arguments or pot shots we are not slaves to our past-it does not have to dictate to us who we are and how we live now–only if we believe it does–many many psychoanalysts me included have seen that dredging up and ruminating over the past and its perceived and real injustices justs creates a poor me attitude and a lot of whining–by going after ones beliefs we shorten this whole process down to the core and results are seen much quicker and more completely—since we have been shit on by others what did we learn from it? That it isn’t a nice thing to do and don’t do it-and we don’t-lesson learned. as a child the power of my own alcoholic father was enormous-as an adult it lacks any power-cheesy-you have been wronged by a parent and a brother-do not allow it or this travesty of their judgements to prevail over how you see yourself-same for you Bonnie-and anyone else..disturbed people act disturbed-for us to demand that our sick relations act sane is like asking elephants to fly-fuck their past behaviors it was bad luck for us and a sad state to grow up in-but dysfunction is the rule not the exception It’s what we do NOW with that dysfunction-it is excess baggage-get rid of again I am simplifying this and do not wish to appear coy or rude or condescending or negative by not giving your pasts relevance or credence-but it is the past and we do not have to be ruled by it or defined by it-ever it’s effects are how we perceive it and what we believe about our perceptions LM
Response:
It also says to treat others as you would like to be treated and to love thy neighbor as yourself. Love is love and if that love is with a man or woman makes no difference. Who are you to judge anyone? Are you a Christian? If Love Cathy — P.H.O.B.I.A. People Helping Others Become Independent Again Off-line Self Help Support Group, NJ http://community.nj.com/cc/phobia Anxiety Treatment Options http://www.members.tripod.com/~PhobiaGroup/index.html – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – why is it gay bashing? homosexual means being different which always causes social anxiety. the bible clearly says homos are immoral and should be killed. Got questions? Get answers over the phone at Keen.com. Up to 100 minutes free! http://www.keen.com Got questions? Get answers over the phone at Keen.com. Up to 100 minutes free! http://www.keen.com
Response:
No where in the Bible does it say gay people should be killed. Cliff, you are a disgrace to humankind (Note the word KIND) As stated previously, please remove yourself from this newsgroup. ~K
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hello, I am the person who always says the wrong thing/the thing that nobody else says, so you can ignore me. Your childhood is merely a part of what makes you a person different from every other. It is like all time – it only occurs for its moment, and then it is gone forever. But when you believe that your childhood is responsible for your problems now, you put yourself back into the same situation. You are slowing down the healing process by treating the scars of wounds got long ago, and forgetting the open wounds which your scratching at the itching scars has caused. My suggestion is not that you treat yourself for childhood problems or try to get over problems that you believe where caused long ago, but see yourself as a brand new person NOW, who has problems, and consider the best steps you can take to solve these problems. Ignore the supposed cause. -Luke. Cheesyproof is gay. i think he admits it openly. his profile references a bunch of gay sites. his father and childhood, as you say, are mostly irrelevant now. the guilt over leading a homosexual/immoral life style is triggering the social anxiety. this immature man is trying to put the blame on his poor father. Gay bashing is frowned upon here at ASAP. Being homosexual has nothing to do with morality. You are welcome to leave. Philip (go get’em) why is it gay bashing? homosexual means being different which always causes social anxiety. the bible clearly says homos are immoral and should be killed. Got questions? Get answers over the phone at Keen.com. Up to 100 minutes free! http://www.keen.com Got questions? Get answers over the phone at Keen.com. Up to 100 minutes free! http://www.keen.com
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hello, I am the person who always says the wrong thing/the thing that nobody else says, so you can ignore me. Your childhood is merely a part of what makes you a person different from every other. It is like all time – it only occurs for its moment, and then it is gone forever. But when you believe that your childhood is responsible for your problems now, you put yourself back into the same situation. You are slowing down the healing process by treating the scars of wounds got long ago, and forgetting the open wounds which your scratching at the itching scars has caused. My suggestion is not that you treat yourself for childhood problems or try to get over problems that you believe where caused long ago, but see yourself as a brand new person NOW, who has problems, and consider the best steps you can take to solve these problems. Ignore the supposed cause. -Luke. Cheesyproof is gay. i think he admits it openly. his profile references a bunch of gay sites. his father and childhood, as you say, are mostly irrelevant now. the guilt over leading a homosexual/immoral life style is triggering the social anxiety. this immature man is trying to put the blame on his poor father. Gay bashing is frowned upon here at ASAP. Being homosexual has nothing to do with morality. You are welcome to leave. Philip (go get’em) why is it gay bashing? homosexual means being different which always causes social anxiety. the bible clearly says homos are immoral and should be killed.
It is gay bashing any way you slice it. We don`t tolerate this at ASAP, so if you want to persist in the bashing please take ASAP off this thread. Thank god people don`t get killed because they are different, some of the finest people I worked with and know are gay. Jackie ~*~The secret of how to live without resentment or embarrassment in a world in which I was different from everyone else . . . was Got questions? Get answers over the phone at Keen.com. Up to 100 minutes free! http://www.keen.com
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hello, I am the person who always says the wrong thing/the thing that nobody else says, so you can ignore me. Your childhood is merely a part of what makes you a person different from every other. It is like all time – it only occurs for its moment, and then it is gone forever. But when you believe that your childhood is responsible for your problems now, you put yourself back into the same situation. You are slowing down the healing process by treating the scars of wounds got long ago, and forgetting the open wounds which your scratching at the itching scars has caused. My suggestion is not that you treat yourself for childhood problems or try to get over problems that you believe where caused long ago, but see yourself as a brand new person NOW, who has problems, and consider the best steps you can take to solve these problems. Ignore the supposed cause. -Luke. Cheesyproof is gay. i think he admits it openly. his profile references a bunch of gay sites. his father and childhood, as you say, are mostly irrelevant now. the guilt over leading a homosexual/immoral life style is triggering the social anxiety. this immature man is trying to put the blame on his poor father. Gay bashing is frowned upon here at ASAP. Being homosexual has nothing to do with morality. You are welcome to leave. Philip (go get’em)
why is it gay bashing? homosexual means being different which always causes social anxiety. the bible clearly says homos are immoral and should be killed. Got questions? Get answers over the phone at Keen.com. Up to 100 minutes free! http://www.keen.com
Got questions? Get answers over the phone at Keen.com. Up to 100 minutes free! http://www.keen.com
Response:
You go, Philip. I know many gay/lesbian people and they are wonderful and supportive persons… smiles, elise
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hello, I am the person who always says the wrong thing/the thing that nobody else says, so you can ignore me. Your childhood is merely a part of what makes you a person different from every other. It is like all time – it only occurs for its moment, and then it is gone forever. But when you believe that your childhood is responsible for your problems now, you put yourself back into the same situation. You are slowing down the healing process by treating the scars of wounds got long ago, and forgetting the open wounds which your scratching at the itching scars has caused. My suggestion is not that you treat yourself for childhood problems or try to get over problems that you believe where caused long ago, but see yourself as a brand new person NOW, who has problems, and consider the best steps you can take to solve these problems. Ignore the supposed cause. -Luke. Cheesyproof is gay. i think he admits it openly. his profile references a bunch of gay sites. his father and childhood, as you say, are mostly irrelevant now. the guilt over leading a homosexual/immoral life style is triggering the social anxiety. this immature man is trying to put the blame on his poor father. Gay bashing is frowned upon here at ASAP. Being homosexual has nothing to do with morality. You are welcome to leave. Philip (go get’em) Got questions? Get answers over the phone at Keen.com. Up to 100 minutes free! http://www.keen.com
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hello, I am the person who always says the wrong thing/the thing that nobody else says, so you can ignore me. Your childhood is merely a part of what makes you a person different from every other. It is like all time – it only occurs for its moment, and then it is gone forever. But when you believe that your childhood is responsible for your problems now, you put yourself back into the same situation. You are slowing down the healing process by treating the scars of wounds got long ago, and forgetting the open wounds which your scratching at the itching scars has caused. My suggestion is not that you treat yourself for childhood problems or try to get over problems that you believe where caused long ago, but see yourself as a brand new person NOW, who has problems, and consider the best steps you can take to solve these problems. Ignore the supposed cause. -Luke. Cheesyproof is gay. i think he admits it openly. his profile references a bunch of gay sites. his father and childhood, as you say, are mostly irrelevant now. the guilt over leading a homosexual/immoral life style is triggering the social anxiety. this immature man is trying to put the blame on his poor father.
Gay bashing is frowned upon here at ASAP. Being homosexual has nothing to do with morality. You are welcome to leave. Philip (go get’em) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Got questions? Get answers over the phone at Keen.com. Up to 100 minutes free! http://www.keen.com
Response:
I can totally relate to your story, and after doing some research on social anxiety I realize that it is what my problem is. More importantly, after being told for years what a loser I am from my father and believing it, because I had so much trouble in social situations I have come to the conclusion that my father does suffer from social anxiety as well. After so many years of thinking my dad was right and everything wrong in the world was a direct result of my birth it is refreshing to discover this truth. That the times my dad was yelling at me, and disgusted with me, he was really upset with himself. Thanks for your story Green * Sent from RemarQ http://www.remarq.com The Internet’s Discussion Network * The fastest and easiest way to search and participate in Usenet – Free!
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hello, I am the person who always says the wrong thing/the thing that nobody else says, so you can ignore me. Your childhood is merely a part of what makes you a person different from every other. It is like all time – it only occurs for its moment, and then it is gone forever. But when you believe that your childhood is responsible for your problems now, you put yourself back into the same situation. You are slowing down the healing process by treating the scars of wounds got long ago, and forgetting the open wounds which your scratching at the itching scars has caused. My suggestion is not that you treat yourself for childhood problems or try to get over problems that you believe where caused long ago, but see yourself as a brand new person NOW, who has problems, and consider the best steps you can take to solve these problems. Ignore the supposed cause. -Luke.
Dear Luke, I didn`t ignore you 
and you didn`t say anything wrong, you have a right to your opinion. The psychologist I had for CBT told me that the cause of my anxiety disorder really didn`t matter. *Knowing* the cause wasn`t going to lower my anxiety or panic, effective treatments such as meds and CBT was the answer. I did talk therapy and analyzed my abusive childhood and it did nothing for my anxiety, meds and CBT have. Take care 
Jackie
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hello, I am the person who always says the wrong thing/the thing that nobody else says, so you can ignore me. Your childhood is merely a part of what makes you a person different from every other. It is like all time – it only occurs for its moment, and then it is gone forever. But when you believe that your childhood is responsible for your problems now, you put yourself back into the same situation. You are slowing down the healing process by treating the scars of wounds got long ago, and forgetting the open wounds which your scratching at the itching scars has caused. My suggestion is not that you treat yourself for childhood problems or try to get over problems that you believe where caused long ago, but see yourself as a brand new person NOW, who has problems, and consider the best steps you can take to solve these problems. Ignore the supposed cause. -Luke.
Cheesyproof is gay. i think he admits it openly. his profile references a bunch of gay sites. his father and childhood, as you say, are mostly irrelevant now. the guilt over leading a homosexual/immoral life style is triggering the social anxiety. this immature man is trying to put the blame on his poor father. Got questions? Get answers over the phone at Keen.com. Up to 100 minutes free! http://www.keen.com
Response:
Hello, I am the person who always says the wrong thing/the thing that nobody else says, so you can ignore me. Your childhood is merely a part of what makes you a person different from every other. It is like all time – it only occurs for its moment, and then it is gone forever. But when you believe that your childhood is responsible for your problems now, you put yourself back into the same situation. You are slowing down the healing process by treating the scars of wounds got long ago, and forgetting the open wounds which your scratching at the itching scars has caused. My suggestion is not that you treat yourself for childhood problems or try to get over problems that you believe where caused long ago, but see yourself as a brand new person NOW, who has problems, and consider the best steps you can take to solve these problems. Ignore the supposed cause. -Luke.
Response:
sounds like your on your way just keep the positive thoughts flowing and you’ll make it. Good luck, xoxoxox cherry * Sent from RemarQ http://www.remarq.com The Internet’s Discussion Network * The fastest and easiest way to search and participate in Usenet – Free!
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – My earliest childhood memories are of fear and rejection. I remember finding comfort in being alone most of the time. When I wasn’t alone, I was being ridiculed by my brothers and my father. My father was a man who was full of rage. I was terrified of him. He resented that I was so afraid of him, so he rejected me. It was one of those viscous cycles. The more he rejected me, the more afraid of him I became, the more I rejected him. This was a strong cycle, and everyone in my family seemed to get swept up in it. My brothers watched and learned how I was to be treated. My mother tried to overcompensate by coddling and overprotecting. This treatment caused even more resentment from my brothers and my father, intensifying what had become a cyclone. I was a sensitive child, and everything hurt. I was only happy when I was alone, away from the storm, pretending to be someone or somewhere else besides this painful world. I actually remember wishing to be dead when I was very young. I didn’t understand "dead" at that time, but I prayed that I could fall asleep forever. I didn’t want to be awake ever again. When my father finally left when I was 9 or 10, my oldest brother took over his role of terrorizing the family with his anger. He ruined all family moments and holidays by flying into fits of incredible rage. You could see that he actually became insane when this anger took over. It was terribly frightening. I spent the rest of my child/teen-hood trying to conform to whatever he wanted me to be. More than anything else, I needed to feel safe. I felt somehow safe from my father’s rage (even though it was frightening to watch, and I didn’t dare cross him, my mother had drawn a clear line with him in regard to his treatment of me–and he adhered to it). But I felt totally vulnerable to my brother. I felt in constant danger of doing something he wouldn’t approve of and having him unleash that incredible rage on me. I didn’t start to try and find my own legs until I was 16. I had hit bottom. I was trying to find the ideal way to commit suicide. One day, when I was testing out the level of pain involved in slicing my skin with a razor, something occurred to me. I had grown into this person who was afraid of the world. I avoided almost everything and everyone. Why? Why does everyone else seem to belong somewhere in this world, but not me? This was the beginning of the slow, 11 year process that brought me to where I am today. It was the realization that I did belong somewhere. I had every right to all the things that I wanted. I began by breaking free of my need for my oldest brother’s approval. I worked on that one for quite some time! I started to make my own choices for the first time in my life. I actually tasted happiness and self-esteem as I began to live life for myself for the first time ever. So here I am….27 years old, and still carrying such fear. I’m trying so hard to make my own choices and to define my own environment. After all the positive things I’ve told myself about how strong and wonderful and worthy I am, it was very difficult to admit that I suffered from an anxiety disorder. The fact is that this disorder is keeping me from fully defining my own environment. I’ve come a long way from being that suicidal, hurting child. But I’m still not done. There are so many things I avoid out of fear of humiliation and panic. I used to be able to justify my avoidance ("I don’t deserve to feel like that, so why should I put myself through it!") But that’s an excuse. There are things I wanted to do. Most importantly, there are things I want to do now. I must get past the crippling fear. I still don’t understand my anxiety, but I think it must be rooted in my childhood experiences, in addition to a genetically acquired hypersensitivity. I’m trying.
I felt so bad for you reading your post, and so sorry you went through a childhood like that. I know a few people who have been mistreated by parents and/or siblings. I’m not a doctor, but it sounds like you suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have that and anxiety/panic too. You didn’t mention whether or not you’re seeing a therapist for this. IMO you really need to see someone, to talk and get this out. Maybe meds would help you too. My therapist has been helping me. I also take an AD, desipramine, and ativan, which helps too. Please feel free to ask any questions here. This group is wonderful!!! Take care of yourself. Di
Response:
Michael, Hi! Are you sure we are not going to be in the same place on Christmas Eve? (hehe) smiles, elise
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Funny that you should mention Christmas shopping. My parents are very old and I’m always at a loss about what to get them. My family is, well, dysfunctional, and I’m always stressed when family functions approach. I dread anticipating who’s going to get drunk, who’s going to blow up, who’s going to start an argument, and so on and so on. All the dysfunction and related stress had contributed to my vulnerability to depression. Bye for now. Queensryche rocks. Michael.
Response:
HOW WONDERFUL LIFE IS, WHILE YOU’RE IN THE WORLD….ELTON JOHN
As human beings we like to even need to ascribe reasons for things-causes to effects a whole science was developed about this cause effect thing-we also developed philosophies and theories and whole schools of thought utilizing our childhood our unconscious and many many other "reasons" why we have things or are a certain way-when that doesn’t work we like to look for "medical" causes or other causitive dynamic reasons for why things are a certain way-in some ways its as if we want a place of blame of responsibility a explainable tangible source of our misery-the problem with that is that this process of looking at the reason the cause takes us away from now-and it being reductionsitic usually yeilds little constructive results-I share my symapthy my empathy and compassion to any one who has been abused by a parent a sibling a gene an illness a friend a country-but why is it that some who are afflicted by abuse survive and do well and others not-what constitutes the differences in persons—-It is what they actively believe about their past or their genes or their biology-I am simplifying a very complex set of concepts and I apologize if this sounds hokey or incomplete and open for arguments or pot shots we are not slaves to our past-it does not have to dictate to us who we are and how we live now–only if we believe it does–many many psychoanalysts me included have seen that dredging up and ruminating over the past and its perceived and real injustices justs creates a poor me attitude and a lot of whining–by going after ones beliefs we shorten this whole process down to the core and results are seen much quicker and more completely—since we have been shit on by others what did we learn from it? That it isn’t a nice thing to do and don’t do it-and we don’t-lesson learned. as a child the power of my own alcoholic father was enormous-as an adult it lacks any power-cheesy-you have been wronged by a parent and a brother-do not allow it or this travesty of their judgements to prevail over how you see yourself-same for you Bonnie-and anyone else..disturbed people act disturbed-for us to demand that our sick relations act sane is like asking elephants to fly-fuck their past behaviors it was bad luck for us and a sad state to grow up in-but dysfunction is the rule not the exception It’s what we do NOW with that dysfunction-it is excess baggage-get rid of again I am simplifying this and do not wish to appear coy or rude or condescending or negative by not giving your pasts relevance or credence-but it is the past and we do not have to be ruled by it or defined by it-ever it’s effects are how we perceive it and what we believe about our perceptions LM
Response:
Wow. Sounds like you’ve fought a long time and come a long way. Sounds encouraging. I was at my worst probably back when I was 17. I had low self-esteem for a long time, some of it rooted in my childhood too. I’ve fought a long battle to get my dignity back, and I’m in better shape now than I was 15 years ago. I’ve had recurrences of my depression, and I’m in a recurrence now, and I’m fighting to get back to normal. I once felt like the most worthless person in the world, and I fought hard to build up my dignity as an adult, but I still have issues from long long ago that still haunt me. Keep going, I think you’re winning. Michael.
Response:
Funny that you should mention Christmas shopping. My parents are very old and I’m always at a loss about what to get them. My family is, well, dysfunctional, and I’m always stressed when family functions approach. I dread anticipating who’s going to get drunk, who’s going to blow up, who’s going to start an argument, and so on and so on. All the dysfunction and related stress had contributed to my vulnerability to depression. Bye for now. Queensryche rocks. Michael.
Response:
Hi Cheesy! It’s good to hear from you again. I’m in a hurry – program on in 15 minutes about panic and I’m leaving on vacation tomorrow and have a zillion things to do yet, but… just wanted to say hi again. A couple of weeks ago someone posted about wanting to contact other gay people with anx/pan – maybe someone would remember who, or maybe he is still reading and not posting – anyway, I thought of you as someone he could talk to about anx/pan. bye for now, Juni – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – My earliest childhood memories are of fear and rejection. I remember finding comfort in being alone most of the time. When I wasn’t alone, I was being ridiculed by my brothers and my father. My father was a man who was full of rage. I was terrified of him. He resented that I was so afraid of him, so he rejected me. It was one of those viscous cycles. The more he rejected me, the more afraid of him I became, the more I rejected him. This was a strong cycle, and everyone in my family seemed to get swept up in it. My brothers watched and learned how I was to be treated. My mother tried to overcompensate by coddling and overprotecting. This treatment caused even more resentment from my brothers and my father, intensifying what had become a cyclone. I was a sensitive child, and everything hurt. I was only happy when I was alone, away from the storm, pretending to be someone or somewhere else besides this painful world. I actually remember wishing to be dead when I was very young. I didn’t understand "dead" at that time, but I prayed that I could fall asleep forever. I didn’t want to be awake ever again. When my father finally left when I was 9 or 10, my oldest brother took over his role of terrorizing the family with his anger. He ruined all family moments and holidays by flying into fits of incredible rage. You could see that he actually became insane when this anger took over. It was terribly frightening. I spent the rest of my child/teen-hood trying to conform to whatever he wanted me to be. More than anything else, I needed to feel safe. I felt somehow safe from my father’s rage (even though it was frightening to watch, and I didn’t dare cross him, my mother had drawn a clear line with him in regard to his treatment of me–and he adhered to it). But I felt totally vulnerable to my brother. I felt in constant danger of doing something he wouldn’t approve of and having him unleash that incredible rage on me. I didn’t start to try and find my own legs until I was 16. I had hit bottom. I was trying to find the ideal way to commit suicide. One day, when I was testing out the level of pain involved in slicing my skin with a razor, something occurred to me. I had grown into this person who was afraid of the world. I avoided almost everything and everyone. Why? Why does everyone else seem to belong somewhere in this world, but not me? This was the beginning of the slow, 11 year process that brought me to where I am today. It was the realization that I did belong somewhere. I had every right to all the things that I wanted. I began by breaking free of my need for my oldest brother’s approval. I worked on that one for quite some time! I started to make my own choices for the first time in my life. I actually tasted happiness and self-esteem as I began to live life for myself for the first time ever. So here I am….27 years old, and still carrying such fear. I’m trying so hard to make my own choices and to define my own environment. After all the positive things I’ve told myself about how strong and wonderful and worthy I am, it was very difficult to admit that I suffered from an anxiety disorder. The fact is that this disorder is keeping me from fully defining my own environment. I’ve come a long way from being that suicidal, hurting child. But I’m still not done. There are so many things I avoid out of fear of humiliation and panic. I used to be able to justify my avoidance ("I don’t deserve to feel like that, so why should I put myself through it!") But that’s an excuse. There are things I wanted to do. Most importantly, there are things I want to do now. I must get past the crippling fear. I still don’t understand my anxiety, but I think it must be rooted in my childhood experiences, in addition to a genetically acquired hypersensitivity. I’m trying.
Before you buy.
Response:
My earliest childhood memories are of fear and rejection. I remember finding comfort in being alone most of the time. When I wasn’t alone, I was being ridiculed by my brothers and my father. My father was a man who was full of rage. I was terrified of him. He resented that I was so afraid of him, so he rejected me. It was one of those viscous cycles. The more he rejected me, the more afraid of him I became, the more I rejected him. This was a strong cycle, and everyone in my family seemed to get swept up in it. My brothers watched and learned how I was to be treated. My mother tried to overcompensate by coddling and overprotecting. This treatment caused even more resentment from my brothers and my father, intensifying what had become a cyclone. I was a sensitive child, and everything hurt. I was only happy when I was alone, away from the storm, pretending to be someone or somewhere else besides this painful world. I actually remember wishing to be dead when I was very young. I didn’t understand "dead" at that time, but I prayed that I could fall asleep forever. I didn’t want to be awake ever again. When my father finally left when I was 9 or 10, my oldest brother took over his role of terrorizing the family with his anger. He ruined all family moments and holidays by flying into fits of incredible rage. You could see that he actually became insane when this anger took over. It was terribly frightening. I spent the rest of my child/teen-hood trying to conform to whatever he wanted me to be. More than anything else, I needed to feel safe. I felt somehow safe from my father’s rage (even though it was frightening to watch, and I didn’t dare cross him, my mother had drawn a clear line with him in regard to his treatment of me–and he adhered to it). But I felt totally vulnerable to my brother. I felt in constant danger of doing something he wouldn’t approve of and having him unleash that incredible rage on me. I didn’t start to try and find my own legs until I was 16. I had hit bottom. I was trying to find the ideal way to commit suicide. One day, when I was testing out the level of pain involved in slicing my skin with a razor, something occurred to me. I had grown into this person who was afraid of the world. I avoided almost everything and everyone. Why? Why does everyone else seem to belong somewhere in this world, but not me? This was the beginning of the slow, 11 year process that brought me to where I am today. It was the realization that I did belong somewhere. I had every right to all the things that I wanted. I began by breaking free of my need for my oldest brother’s approval. I worked on that one for quite some time! I started to make my own choices for the first time in my life. I actually tasted happiness and self-esteem as I began to live life for myself for the first time ever. So here I am….27 years old, and still carrying such fear. I’m trying so hard to make my own choices and to define my own environment. After all the positive things I’ve told myself about how strong and wonderful and worthy I am, it was very difficult to admit that I suffered from an anxiety disorder. The fact is that this disorder is keeping me from fully defining my own environment. I’ve come a long way from being that suicidal, hurting child. But I’m still not done. There are so many things I avoid out of fear of humiliation and panic. I used to be able to justify my avoidance ("I don’t deserve to feel like that, so why should I put myself through it!") But that’s an excuse. There are things I wanted to do. Most importantly, there are things I want to do now. I must get past the crippling fear. I still don’t understand my anxiety, but I think it must be rooted in my childhood experiences, in addition to a genetically acquired hypersensitivity. I’m trying.
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – You have come a long way and I commend you on that. How insightful you were at an early age and how brave to stand up for what you knew to be right. I also had a father who was full of rage and that made me even more anxious – always trying to do the right thing as not to cause conflict. It was a hell of a childhood to live but I know in some ways it has made me stronger and definitely a better parent. When I am out places, store, mall, etc. when I see these parents with that "rage" in them my heart goes out for the child(ren). I can pick up on that personality type very easily – it is almost as if i can feel it in a person since I had so many years if exposure to it myself. But my life is free of all of that and I have always worked with my children on self-esteem, anger, "don’t sweat the small stuff", anxiety, etc. Keep making the changes in your life that allow you to feel good about yourself and strong enough to face the world. You will make it past the crippling anxiety. smiles, elise My earliest childhood memories are of fear and rejection. I remember finding comfort in being alone most of the time. When I wasn’t alone, I was being ridiculed by my brothers and my father. My father was a man who was full of rage. I was terrified of him. He resented that I was so afraid of him, so he rejected me. It was one of those viscous cycles. The more he rejected me, the more afraid of him I became, the more I rejected him. This was a strong cycle, and everyone in my family seemed to get swept up in it. My brothers watched and learned how I was to be treated. My mother tried to overcompensate by coddling and overprotecting. This treatment caused even more resentment from my brothers and my father, intensifying what had become a cyclone. I was a sensitive child, and everything hurt. I was only happy when I was alone, away from the storm, pretending to be someone or somewhere else besides this painful world. I actually remember wishing to be dead when I was very young. I didn’t understand "dead" at that time, but I prayed that I could fall asleep forever. I didn’t want to be awake ever again. When my father finally left when I was 9 or 10, my oldest brother took over his role of terrorizing the family with his anger. He ruined all family moments and holidays by flying into fits of incredible rage. You could see that he actually became insane when this anger took over. It was terribly frightening. I spent the rest of my child/teen-hood trying to conform to whatever he wanted me to be. More than anything else, I needed to feel safe. I felt somehow safe from my father’s rage (even though it was frightening to watch, and I didn’t dare cross him, my mother had drawn a clear line with him in regard to his treatment of me–and he adhered to it). But I felt totally vulnerable to my brother. I felt in constant danger of doing something he wouldn’t approve of and having him unleash that incredible rage on me. I didn’t start to try and find my own legs until I was 16. I had hit bottom. I was trying to find the ideal way to commit suicide. One day, when I was testing out the level of pain involved in slicing my skin with a razor, something occurred to me. I had grown into this person who was afraid of the world. I avoided almost everything and everyone. Why? Why does everyone else seem to belong somewhere in this world, but not me? This was the beginning of the slow, 11 year process that brought me to where I am today. It was the realization that I did belong somewhere. I had every right to all the things that I wanted. I began by breaking free of my need for my oldest brother’s approval. I worked on that one for quite some time! I started to make my own choices for the first time in my life. I actually tasted happiness and self-esteem as I began to live life for myself for the first time ever. So here I am….27 years old, and still carrying such fear. I’m trying so hard to make my own choices and to define my own environment. After all the positive things I’ve told myself about how strong and wonderful and worthy I am, it was very difficult to admit that I suffered from an anxiety disorder. The fact is that this disorder is keeping me from fully defining my own environment. I’ve come a long way from being that suicidal, hurting child. But I’m still not done. There are so many things I avoid out of fear of humiliation and panic. I used to be able to justify my avoidance ("I don’t deserve to feel like that, so why should I put myself through it!") But that’s an excuse. There are things I wanted to do. Most importantly, there are things I want to do now. I must get past the crippling fear. I still don’t understand my anxiety, but I think it must be rooted in my childhood experiences, in addition to a genetically acquired hypersensitivity. I’m trying.
Excellent post, CP Nickf
Response:
My parents are fine. It’s everyone else that hated me. — Keep away from the blood meridian as long as you can. If I could start again. A million milles away I would keep myself. I would find a way.
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Now we are cooking with gas. My dad scared me too! Mary Your story brought back some of my childhood memories. I too had a angry and abusive father. I was terrified of him. I remember being hypersensitive to everything in my world. Our father always controlled us through fear. When I was 25 years old he called me wanting to visit. I had never stood up to my father but I found myself being fed up with how I became when I was around him,(scared, wanting to flee, tightness in throat,your basic panic and anxiety symptoms.) I told him I really did not want to see him and I would call him when I was ready. Needless to say after 9 years I slowly started to allow this man back into my life on my terms. I am 39 years old now and after many long years with this disorder, I finally feel great. I found a great doc, am on 75 mg of effexor and I take ativan when I feel real anxious, which is not too often anymore. After many years without working, I told myself I could not possibly work with my problems, I have a great job and actually look forward to going to work. My story is very similiar to yours and you sound like a intelligent person. The main thing is to take care of you first. Don’t let your family lay guilt trips on you. We hypersensitive types are great targets for this. What your father did to you is wrong and you were a child and had no say back to love yourself and do not listen to the negative thoughts you are telling yourself. Find a good doctor and don’t stop looking until you find one that really cares and wants to take time to help. I actually spent 1 full hour with my doctor. Amazing in this day and age. You are not alone.. Take care….Candi HOW WONDERFUL LIFE IS, WHILE YOU’RE IN THE WORLD….ELTON JOHN * Sent from AltaVista http://www.altavista.com Where you can also find related Web Pages, Images, Audios, Videos, News, and Shopping. Smart is Beautiful
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Now we are cooking with gas. My dad scared me too! Mary Your story brought back some of my childhood memories. I too had a angry and abusive father. I was terrified of him. I remember being hypersensitive to everything in my world. Our father always controlled us through fear. When I was 25 years old he called me wanting to visit. I had never stood up to my father but I found myself being fed up with how I became when I was around him,(scared, wanting to flee, tightness in throat,your basic panic and anxiety symptoms.) I told him I really did not want to see him and I would call him when I was ready. Needless to say after 9 years I slowly started to allow this man back into my life on my terms. I am 39 years old now and after many long years with this disorder, I finally feel great. I found a great doc, am on 75 mg of effexor and I take ativan when I feel real anxious, which is not too often anymore. After many years without working, I told myself I could not possibly work with my problems, I have a great job and actually look forward to going to work. My story is very similiar to yours and you sound like a intelligent person. The main thing is to take care of you first. Don’t let your family lay guilt trips on you. We hypersensitive types are great targets for this. What your father did to you is wrong and you were a child and had no say back to love yourself and do not listen to the negative thoughts you are telling yourself. Find a good doctor and don’t stop looking until you find one that really cares and wants to take time to help. I actually spent 1 full hour with my doctor. Amazing in this day and age. You are not alone.. Take care….Candi HOW WONDERFUL LIFE IS, WHILE YOU’RE IN THE WORLD….ELTON JOHN * Sent from AltaVista http://www.altavista.com Where you can also find related Web Pages, Images, Audios, Videos, News, and Shopping. Smart is Beautiful Hi- I definately believe my Father is at the root of my Anxiety
problems. I also feel I was very controlled by fear of his rage. I was always so careful not to cross him. But you know what REALLY pisses me off….. he know’s what he’s done and he doesn’t even care!!! I am just overwhelmed that a parent can turn their back on their own flesh and blood. He doesn’t even try to see me and my family. He’s a big jerk and I’m more relaxed without him around-so I guess it’s better that way. The bright side is that I am getting Therapy and it does help to open up to a complete stranger – without the fear of being judged. BTW I am 31 and don’t have any close friends- never learned how to make them and/or keep them. My father was a very poor example of how to socially interact with people- My mother is an enabler and I can’t stand to listen to her- she talks and talks about her work- church friends and is in denial about our familys’ problems. We are NOT a close family. I’m alread dreading Christmas shopping- "what a joke". Bonnie Before you buy.
Response:
Now we are cooking with gas. My dad scared me too! Mary
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Your story brought back some of my childhood memories. I too had a angry and abusive father. I was terrified of him. I remember being hypersensitive to everything in my world. Our father always controlled us through fear. When I was 25 years old he called me wanting to visit. I had never stood up to my father but I found myself being fed up with how I became when I was around him,(scared, wanting to flee, tightness in throat,your basic panic and anxiety symptoms.) I told him I really did not want to see him and I would call him when I was ready. Needless to say after 9 years I slowly started to allow this man back into my life on my terms. I am 39 years old now and after many long years with this disorder, I finally feel great. I found a great doc, am on 75 mg of effexor and I take ativan when I feel real anxious, which is not too often anymore. After many years without working, I told myself I could not possibly work with my problems, I have a great job and actually look forward to going to work. My story is very similiar to yours and you sound like a intelligent person. The main thing is to take care of you first. Don’t let your family lay guilt trips on you. We hypersensitive types are great targets for this. What your father did to you is wrong and you were a child and had no say back to love yourself and do not listen to the negative thoughts you are telling yourself. Find a good doctor and don’t stop looking until you find one that really cares and wants to take time to help. I actually spent 1 full hour with my doctor. Amazing in this day and age. You are not alone.. Take care….Candi HOW WONDERFUL LIFE IS, WHILE YOU’RE IN THE WORLD….ELTON JOHN * Sent from AltaVista http://www.altavista.com Where you can also find
related Web Pages, Images, Audios, Videos, News, and Shopping. Smart is Beautiful – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text –
Response:
Your story brought back some of my childhood memories. I too had a angry and abusive father. I was terrified of him. I remember being hypersensitive to everything in my world. Our father always controlled us through fear. When I was 25 years old he called me wanting to visit. I had never stood up to my father but I found myself being fed up with how I became when I was around him,(scared, wanting to flee, tightness in throat,your basic panic and anxiety symptoms.) I told him I really did not want to see him and I would call him when I was ready. Needless to say after 9 years I slowly started to allow this man back into my life on my terms. I am 39 years old now and after many long years with this disorder, I finally feel great. I found a great doc, am on 75 mg of effexor and I take ativan when I feel real anxious, which is not too often anymore. After many years without working, I told myself I could not possibly work with my problems, I have a great job and actually look forward to going to work. My story is very similiar to yours and you sound like a intelligent person. The main thing is to take care of you first. Don’t let your family lay guilt trips on you. We hypersensitive types are great targets for this. What your father did to you is wrong and you were a child and had no say back to love yourself and do not listen to the negative thoughts you are telling yourself. Find a good doctor and don’t stop looking until you find one that really cares and wants to take time to help. I actually spent 1 full hour with my doctor. Amazing in this day and age. You are not alone.. Take care….Candi HOW WONDERFUL LIFE IS, WHILE YOU’RE IN THE WORLD….ELTON JOHN * Sent from AltaVista http://www.altavista.com Where you can also find related Web Pages, Images, Audios, Videos, News, and Shopping. Smart is Beautiful
Response:
You have come a long way and I commend you on that. How insightful you were at an early age and how brave to stand up for what you knew to be right. I also had a father who was full of rage and that made me even more anxious – always trying to do the right thing as not to cause conflict. It was a hell of a childhood to live but I know in some ways it has made me stronger and definitely a better parent. When I am out places, store, mall, etc. when I see these parents with that "rage" in them my heart goes out for the child(ren). I can pick up on that personality type very easily – it is almost as if i can feel it in a person since I had so many years if exposure to it myself. But my life is free of all of that and I have always worked with my children on self-esteem, anger, "don’t sweat the small stuff", anxiety, etc. Keep making the changes in your life that allow you to feel good about yourself and strong enough to face the world. You will make it past the crippling anxiety. smiles, elise
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – My earliest childhood memories are of fear and rejection. I remember finding comfort in being alone most of the time. When I wasn’t alone, I was being ridiculed by my brothers and my father. My father was a man who was full of rage. I was terrified of him. He resented that I was so afraid of him, so he rejected me. It was one of those viscous cycles. The more he rejected me, the more afraid of him I became, the more I rejected him. This was a strong cycle, and everyone in my family seemed to get swept up in it. My brothers watched and learned how I was to be treated. My mother tried to overcompensate by coddling and overprotecting. This treatment caused even more resentment from my brothers and my father, intensifying what had become a cyclone. I was a sensitive child, and everything hurt. I was only happy when I was alone, away from the storm, pretending to be someone or somewhere else besides this painful world. I actually remember wishing to be dead when I was very young. I didn’t understand "dead" at that time, but I prayed that I could fall asleep forever. I didn’t want to be awake ever again. When my father finally left when I was 9 or 10, my oldest brother took over his role of terrorizing the family with his anger. He ruined all family moments and holidays by flying into fits of incredible rage. You could see that he actually became insane when this anger took over. It was terribly frightening. I spent the rest of my child/teen-hood trying to conform to whatever he wanted me to be. More than anything else, I needed to feel safe. I felt somehow safe from my father’s rage (even though it was frightening to watch, and I didn’t dare cross him, my mother had drawn a clear line with him in regard to his treatment of me–and he adhered to it). But I felt totally vulnerable to my brother. I felt in constant danger of doing something he wouldn’t approve of and having him unleash that incredible rage on me. I didn’t start to try and find my own legs until I was 16. I had hit bottom. I was trying to find the ideal way to commit suicide. One day, when I was testing out the level of pain involved in slicing my skin with a razor, something occurred to me. I had grown into this person who was afraid of the world. I avoided almost everything and everyone. Why? Why does everyone else seem to belong somewhere in this world, but not me? This was the beginning of the slow, 11 year process that brought me to where I am today. It was the realization that I did belong somewhere. I had every right to all the things that I wanted. I began by breaking free of my need for my oldest brother’s approval. I worked on that one for quite some time! I started to make my own choices for the first time in my life. I actually tasted happiness and self-esteem as I began to live life for myself for the first time ever. So here I am….27 years old, and still carrying such fear. I’m trying so hard to make my own choices and to define my own environment. After all the positive things I’ve told myself about how strong and wonderful and worthy I am, it was very difficult to admit that I suffered from an anxiety disorder. The fact is that this disorder is keeping me from fully defining my own environment. I’ve come a long way from being that suicidal, hurting child. But I’m still not done. There are so many things I avoid out of fear of humiliation and panic. I used to be able to justify my avoidance ("I don’t deserve to feel like that, so why should I put myself through it!") But that’s an excuse. There are things I wanted to do. Most importantly, there are things I want to do now. I must get past the crippling fear. I still don’t understand my anxiety, but I think it must be rooted in my childhood experiences, in addition to a genetically acquired hypersensitivity. I’m trying.
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