Trauma – PTSD

Question:

I feel so bad.  I keep doing all those stupid self-harm stuff and then I tell my therp. about it after the fact.  And it’s like she’s in a bind cause I know that on ethical and legal grounds she’s gotta consider hospitalizing me, but I throw a tantrum and beg her not to whenever she says anything of the like.  And I just feel like I’ve got to be the most rotten person to do this.  I don’t know why she’d want me around.  It’s like I’m not getting any better, I call her all the time and I just am this source of constant concern for her.   I was raised in a really manipulative family and part of me desperately tries to reject it, but part of me really likes it and she’s all confused about my past.  This last time, I was finally talking about a memory and the way I told it to her was wrong but I didn’t realize it until I acted it out again and that meant I did some unsafe stuff and I called her and was in pain but meds took care of it.  I don’t know what to do about it.  I just feel so bad about all of this.  It’s like no matter what I do I’m a bad person. Cyn (and some real sad littles)

Response:

Cynthia,      I lurk here from time to time, as my "home" is a different newsgroup……dealing with anorexia becomes my first prioroty.  Sadly and unfortunately, I grew up in a severely abusive household. I dissociate frequently in stressful circumstances, when I am mentally or emotionally overwhelmed, or when I am experiencing flashbacks, or dealing with memories. So, I read here, from time to time, first because I was "losing" all this "time" and it terrified me, now because all of you, your posts, are very comforting….. I wanted to fill you in, so that it was more fair, me reading about you, and you not knowing anything about me. But my point is, I do not know if you are the type who is a book reader, or one who likes to read, but I am a voracious reader, bookworm supreme, and I have read hundred of books on abuse…..one of the best, in specific detailed information and comprehension of the three dissociative disorders, especially mpd, and on therapy for survivors is called:  Treatment Of Adult Survivors Of Childhood Abuse by Eliana Gil  Ph.D. Published by: Launch Press in Walnut Creek Ca. Printed: 1988 and this publishing company has a phone number for telephone ordering:  (800) 321 * 9167 price is: 16.95, soft cover, almost 300 pages * I bought this book at Borders Bookstore, so it seems easily available… The middle chapters of the book–  9 dissociation 10 mpd 11 post traumatic stress disorder 12 trauma resolution work Dialogues, too of actual clients/therapy appointments. It is written by a therapist who works with sexually and physically abused clients, who really understands, who is in tune to all the subtle nuances, who is very thorough. It has really had an impact upon my thinking, and upon my view of myself. The book has also helped me to look upon myself more kindly: i.e., it is easier to accept ones reactions, when one knows that others who experienced the same darker childhood react exactly the same way……esp. as I drove my therapist crazy more than half the time, too, but upon the issues of disclosure, and trust.  : O ) I hope it is okay that I dropped in from cyberspace, but I thought it could be enlightening or soothing, for you to read this book, as it was for me. : O ) I find, many times,  that most therapists or even most other authors do not understand or know as much about abuse as those who have actually experienced it….but this woman/author/therapist does. All the best to you….             …and kind smiles for your littles:  : O ) : O ) : O ) Take good care, just wnated to fill Emily

Response:

Cyn, I’d normally email this, but you don’t have an anon addresses. I’m not in a good place so can’t help right now, but just wanted you to know that you aren’t a bad person. You aren’t dealing with your therapy well, imo, bc you are stuck in a cycle. There is a *big* difference between being stuck in therapy and being a bad person. And trauma therps deal with manipulative clients alla time. And they deal with clients who self-harm alla time.  You know that. They know that. Hey, you’re paying her aren’t you? <g She knew what she was getting into when she set her fee.  Remind her of this if necessary. <g You two just need to figure out what is really going on. Why do you self-harm? It serves a lot of different, often positive, functions for different ppl. Imo, you and your therp should discuss this if you haven’t already. What could you do instead? Why do you tell your therp at all?  (I don’t.) What do you want from her? What do you want from yourself? What are some other ways you could start (maybe in tiny steps or in a huge leap – I don’t know which would work for you in this case) to get those things. Good luck. But you do what you do for a reason. And it’s not bc you are a bad person.   e – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -I feel so bad.  I keep doing all those stupid self-harm stuff and then I tell my therp. about it after the fact.  And it’s like she’s in a bind cause I know that on ethical and legal grounds she’s gotta consider hospitalizing me, but I throw a tantrum and beg her not to whenever she says anything of the like.  And I just feel like I’ve got to be the most rotten person to do this.  I don’t know why she’d want me around.  It’s like I’m not getting any better, I call her all the time and I just am this source of constant concern for her.   I was raised in a really manipulative family and part of me desperately tries to reject it, but part of me really likes it and she’s all confused about my past.  This last time, I was finally talking about a memory and the way I told it to her was wrong but I didn’t realize it until I acted it out again and that meant I did some unsafe stuff and I called her and was in pain but meds took care of it.  I don’t know what to do about it.  I just feel so bad about all of this.  It’s like no matter what I do I’m a bad person. Cyn (and some real sad littles)

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Response:

Hi Cynthia, I’m really sorry you are where you are right now. If it is any comfort I’ve been in a similar place and I *did* get thru it. I spoilered your post and my reply  just in case. q q q q q q q q q q q q q q q q q q I feel so bad.  I keep doing all those stupid self-harm stuff and then I tell my therp. about it after the fact.  And it’s like she’s in a bind cause I know that on ethical and legal grounds she’s gotta consider hospitalizing me, but I throw a tantrum and beg her not to whenever she says anything of the like.  And I just feel like I’ve got to be the most rotten person to do this.  I don’t know why she’d want me around.  It’s like I’m not getting any better, I call her all the time and I just am this source of constant concern for her.  

I’m going to be really honest here ‘cos I used to do the same – and I *know* part of the reason I did it was *because* I wanted my therapist to be concerned.  I’m not sure if I knew at the time but it doesn’t matter – I don’t believe you do it bc you are *bad* – but bc you are so needy – you *need* her concern. It seems that self-harm is the ultimate way to say "take care of me  I’m in so much pain" .  I can’t talk for you but for me it was the actual therapist I wanted to take care of me – and if hospitalization is going to mean you can;’t see her then you’re not going to want it. However, she can still express her concern if you tell her you *feel* like harming yourself. I still do this when I feel like it and get the concern but skip the scars  - it isn’t easy as self-harm in itself is addictive.  I also think that when *we* feel out of control it can help , so our unconscious thinks, to shift that to the therapist so they feel out of control ( Help! What *am* I going to do for this person?). I was raised in a really manipulative family and part of me desperately tries to reject it, but part of me really likes it and she’s all confused about my past.

That seems like a natural reaction to a confusing upbringing. It strikes me that a manipulative family is going to foster the development of a manipulative part in you.  This last time, I was finally talking about a memory and the way I told it to her was wrong but I didn’t realize it until I acted it out again and that meant I did some unsafe stuff and I called her and was in pain but meds took care of it.  I don’t know what to do about it.  I just feel so bad about all of this.  It’s like no matter what I do I’m a bad person. Cyn (and some real sad littles)

I don’t think you are a bad person from what you say but I do think you are in a lot of pain and are finding it difficult to deal with. Please talk to your therapist somemore about it before things get out of hand – self-harm can so easily escalate.  There’s no shame in needing more meds, more sessions or hospitalization if that’s what it takes to make you safe.  Best of all – talk about your pain instead of acting on it. I know that is so easy to write and so hard to do – but ultimately that is the way thru. Unfortunately it is a dangerous area as sometimes the more we talk about it the more we do it – *that* at the end of the day is up to you – and it’s hard but possible. Others can help but you must *do*.  I did it! I hope you can and wish you luck.  Don’t beat yourself up about what you’ve done – help yourself not to learn from this. Well done for writing – bad ppl don’t bother to reach out for help! Take care Frances

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