Question:
What you do next will at least partly depend on what your wife is willing to do. My feeling is (still) that you will need to use the help of a marriage and family counselor to put your marriage together. Probably they would want to have your son be a part of the process too, since he is showing reactions to the family being out of kilter. I can understand that she might feel "safer" running away from you but it is a phony safety. Also, if she has any hope of eventually recovering from the effects of her childhood (and that is very possible) she will be glad to have a caring and helpful partner. In addition, she has a son, and a responsibility to HIM to work on repairing her life and your family. One thing that might give you some comfort in any case is if you can find a support group for partners of sexual abuse survivors. best of luck to you all, evitsky In article <36a77a6…@news2.uswest.net>, "Confused" <t…@paragoncomputers.net> wrote: – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I feel it is necessary to go into more detail about the relationship that > me and my wife have. I have known since before we were married that she was > sexually abused by her stepfather. We never gone into any in-depth > discussion because it has been to painful for her. I made an inaccurate > assumption that it was a matter of leaving the subject alone and in time she > would feel comfortable enough to talk about it. She has been seeing a > counselor for over a year now. I don’t ask her how her sessions are going, > thinking that she will talk to me about it when she feels ready. > We have a 15 year old son and he is a great kid, but as soon as he entered > middle school his grades began the slip. We had attributed the problem to > the change of the type of one-on-one relationship he was getting with his > teachers in grade school and being a teenager. Nothing that we did seem to > correct the problem, it only seemed to make it worse. Just after > thanksgiving he was arrested for criminal trespassing and possession of > marijuana. We never thought that drugs might be causing the problem. We then > decided to get him some help by placing him in an intensive in-patient drug > program. Thinking that the relationship between my wife and myself > contributed to his problem, so I suggested that we work on our relationship > so that when our son returned home we would be in a better position to help > him through his addiction. That is when she moved out. > I was crushed. The only thing I could think about was to get her back. The > main problem, I felt was that we were not communicating with one another. I > suggested counseling, and she agreed. Over the course of several sessions, > with what I consider a mediocre counselor, I found that my wife was not only > abused by her stepfather but by her biological father as well. I was > devastated by this revelation. I had only heard stories about sexual abuse, > I never had to deal with the emotions that accompany the abuse. > As counseling progressed and each time she saw that I was more and more > reading, willing, and able to make changes in myself, the more distance she > would put between us. She was originally going to stay at her sisters > overnight which than was extended to a week to the point where she is now > planning to get an apartment of her own. I thought she felt that maybe I was > just hangin around and that all I needed was a little nudge, and I would be > on my way. I became angry, thinking why doesn’t she just finish me off. I > mean, we have been through allot together, she knows how much this hurts me, > and I know how much it hurts her. I love her so much that our being together > is not as important as her happiness. > Last night we went out together, I felt that there was something important > that she had to tell me, I expected the worse, but I was ready. She began by > telling in more detail about her sexual abuse. When it happened the first > time, she went to her mother and confided in her what was going on. Her > mothers response was less that supportive, saying to the effect that this > needs to remain a secret or it will destroy the family. I could not contain > myself. I could not imagine what this did to her. Her parents eventually got > a divorce. Her mother remarried and the abuse started again. This time her > mothers response was to send her away to live with her grandparents. > I now understand, although not totally what my wife is dealing with. On the > one hand if we stay together she will have to deal with the recovery, which > I can see is extremely painful for her. On the other hand if we split up see > can bury her emotions and in her words live as a spinster alone with a bunch > of cats. > I grew up in a family of extraverts. Nobody ever went to bed mad, if someone > had a problem there would be no hesitation in blurting it out. So > communicating with someone who bottles up there emotions is difficult for me > at best. I can see the same type of behavior in our son, and frankly it > frightens the shit out of me. > I want to help my wife through this, not so much so that we get back > together again, but because it hurts me to think that if she does not > recover from this that she my attempt to take the easy way out, or at the > very least be unhappy for the rest of her life. > Please advice where I should go from here.
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Response:
Your wife has a lot of time to invest in her recovery. It also sounds like she learned to keep it a secret, which is most likely why she could be trying to push you away. When she told (the first time), she was rejected–pushed away; when she told (the second time), she was sent away. Could it be now that, rather than waiting for someone to push her away a third time (you)…she’s gonna’ do the pushing first, because it’s safer? If so, perhaps you could just be there for her. Just be. Don’t do. Don’t say. Don’t try. Just acknowledge and accept her, right where she’s at. At this point, it is definitely easier for her to live as a spinster, rather than face rejection by you. Could you let her know that you love her? Could you tell her that, in your eyes, she is still the same precious woman you fell in love with years ago, and that you’re willing to wait for her to sort out her pain, and that you’ll be waiting for her when she does? (Don’t say it, unless you MEAN it!) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Michelle Magness wrote: > Your wife has been through a terrible time. I think it’s a good thing that > she’s confided in you with what happened in detail – it’s always good I > think to get things like that off your chest. I think all you can do is wait > for her to come to you. Putting pressure on her is only going to push her in > the other direction as she has so much more on her plate. I know it’s just > that you love her and want her back, but I think it needs to be on her > terms. Just be there for her, and let her deal with each issue as she wants > to and in the order she wants. I’m sure once she has what happened to her in > more perspective and is beginning to feel better, then she will hopefully be > able to make some fair and calculated decisions about your relationship. > Just be a good friend to her right now, as she is probably really needing > that. > Confused wrote in message <36a77a6…@news2.uswest.net>… > >I feel it is necessary to go into more detail about the relationship that > >me and my wife have. I have known since before we were married that she was > >sexually abused by her stepfather. We never gone into any in-depth > >discussion because it has been to painful for her. I made an inaccurate > >assumption that it was a matter of leaving the subject alone and in time > she > >would feel comfortable enough to talk about it. She has been seeing a > >counselor for over a year now. I don’t ask her how her sessions are going, > >thinking that she will talk to me about it when she feels ready. > >We have a 15 year old son and he is a great kid, but as soon as he entered > >middle school his grades began the slip. We had attributed the problem to > >the change of the type of one-on-one relationship he was getting with his > >teachers in grade school and being a teenager. Nothing that we did seem to > >correct the problem, it only seemed to make it worse. Just after > >thanksgiving he was arrested for criminal trespassing and possession of > >marijuana. We never thought that drugs might be causing the problem. We > then > >decided to get him some help by placing him in an intensive in-patient drug > >program. Thinking that the relationship between my wife and myself > >contributed to his problem, so I suggested that we work on our relationship > >so that when our son returned home we would be in a better position to help > >him through his addiction. That is when she moved out. > >I was crushed. The only thing I could think about was to get her back. The > >main problem, I felt was that we were not communicating with one another. I > >suggested counseling, and she agreed. Over the course of several sessions, > >with what I consider a mediocre counselor, I found that my wife was not > only > >abused by her stepfather but by her biological father as well. I was > >devastated by this revelation. I had only heard stories about sexual abuse, > >I never had to deal with the emotions that accompany the abuse. > >As counseling progressed and each time she saw that I was more and more > >reading, willing, and able to make changes in myself, the more distance she > >would put between us. She was originally going to stay at her sisters > >overnight which than was extended to a week to the point where she is now > >planning to get an apartment of her own. I thought she felt that maybe I > was > >just hangin around and that all I needed was a little nudge, and I would be > >on my way. I became angry, thinking why doesn’t she just finish me off. I > >mean, we have been through allot together, she knows how much this hurts > me, > >and I know how much it hurts her. I love her so much that our being > together > >is not as important as her happiness. > >Last night we went out together, I felt that there was something important > >that she had to tell me, I expected the worse, but I was ready. She began > by > >telling in more detail about her sexual abuse. When it happened the first > >time, she went to her mother and confided in her what was going on. Her > >mothers response was less that supportive, saying to the effect that this > >needs to remain a secret or it will destroy the family. I could not contain > >myself. I could not imagine what this did to her. Her parents eventually > got > >a divorce. Her mother remarried and the abuse started again. This time her > >mothers response was to send her away to live with her grandparents. > >I now understand, although not totally what my wife is dealing with. On the > >one hand if we stay together she will have to deal with the recovery, which > >I can see is extremely painful for her. On the other hand if we split up > see > >can bury her emotions and in her words live as a spinster alone with a > bunch > >of cats. > >I grew up in a family of extraverts. Nobody ever went to bed mad, if > someone > >had a problem there would be no hesitation in blurting it out. So > >communicating with someone who bottles up there emotions is difficult for > me > >at best. I can see the same type of behavior in our son, and frankly it > >frightens the shit out of me. > >I want to help my wife through this, not so much so that we get back > >together again, but because it hurts me to think that if she does not > >recover from this that she my attempt to take the easy way out, or at the > >very least be unhappy for the rest of her life. > >Please advice where I should go from here.
– ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Light travels faster than sound–is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
Response:
When people were traumatized to this degree (sexual molestation, parental rejection, forced to keep a secret) they often have difficulty verbalizing what happened and they are overwhelmed by the rage/terror/excitement triggered by remembering the events. Your job (should you choose to accept it) is to take things as slowly as she has to — even though you feel impatient and want her to get better — and be a benevolent, supportive listener. If you both get counseling, I see a lot of hope for containment of the anxiety on both sides, and eventual ability to connect again. I agree with you that this is being manifested in your son, and if you/wife get help, he will also be helped. It looks like your wife is motivated to get better. It is going to be a process; not something that just happens. And you may need your own help (therapy) because she is asking you to contain – by listening and not reacting – *her* feelings. It’s hard to contain another person’s feelings without getting help from someone who can also be a container. hope some of this makes sense. Karen P.S. Read about post-traumatic stress disorder. there must be websites about it. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -"Confused" <t…@paragoncomputers.net> writes: > I feel it is necessary to go into more detail about the relationship that > me and my wife have. I have known since before we were married that she was > sexually abused by her stepfather. We never gone into any in-depth > discussion because it has been to painful for her. I made an inaccurate > assumption that it was a matter of leaving the subject alone and in time she > would feel comfortable enough to talk about it. She has been seeing a > counselor for over a year now. I don’t ask her how her sessions are going, > thinking that she will talk to me about it when she feels ready. > We have a 15 year old son and he is a great kid, but as soon as he entered > middle school his grades began the slip. We had attributed the problem to > the change of the type of one-on-one relationship he was getting with his > teachers in grade school and being a teenager. Nothing that we did seem to > correct the problem, it only seemed to make it worse. Just after > thanksgiving he was arrested for criminal trespassing and possession of > marijuana. We never thought that drugs might be causing the problem. We then > decided to get him some help by placing him in an intensive in-patient drug > program. Thinking that the relationship between my wife and myself > contributed to his problem, so I suggested that we work on our relationship > so that when our son returned home we would be in a better position to help > him through his addiction. That is when she moved out. > I was crushed. The only thing I could think about was to get her back. The > main problem, I felt was that we were not communicating with one another. I > suggested counseling, and she agreed. Over the course of several sessions, > with what I consider a mediocre counselor, I found that my wife was not only > abused by her stepfather but by her biological father as well. I was > devastated by this revelation. I had only heard stories about sexual abuse, > I never had to deal with the emotions that accompany the abuse. > As counseling progressed and each time she saw that I was more and more > reading, willing, and able to make changes in myself, the more distance she > would put between us. She was originally going to stay at her sisters > overnight which than was extended to a week to the point where she is now > planning to get an apartment of her own. I thought she felt that maybe I was > just hangin around and that all I needed was a little nudge, and I would be > on my way. I became angry, thinking why doesn’t she just finish me off. I > mean, we have been through allot together, she knows how much this hurts me, > and I know how much it hurts her. I love her so much that our being together > is not as important as her happiness. > Last night we went out together, I felt that there was something important > that she had to tell me, I expected the worse, but I was ready. She began by > telling in more detail about her sexual abuse. When it happened the first > time, she went to her mother and confided in her what was going on. Her > mothers response was less that supportive, saying to the effect that this > needs to remain a secret or it will destroy the family. I could not contain > myself. I could not imagine what this did to her. Her parents eventually got > a divorce. Her mother remarried and the abuse started again. This time her > mothers response was to send her away to live with her grandparents. > I now understand, although not totally what my wife is dealing with. On the > one hand if we stay together she will have to deal with the recovery, which > I can see is extremely painful for her. On the other hand if we split up see > can bury her emotions and in her words live as a spinster alone with a bunch > of cats. > I grew up in a family of extraverts. Nobody ever went to bed mad, if someone > had a problem there would be no hesitation in blurting it out. So > communicating with someone who bottles up there emotions is difficult for me > at best. I can see the same type of behavior in our son, and frankly it > frightens the shit out of me. > I want to help my wife through this, not so much so that we get back > together again, but because it hurts me to think that if she does not > recover from this that she my attempt to take the easy way out, or at the > very least be unhappy for the rest of her life. > Please advice where I should go from here.
Response:
Your wife has been through a terrible time. I think it’s a good thing that she’s confided in you with what happened in detail – it’s always good I think to get things like that off your chest. I think all you can do is wait for her to come to you. Putting pressure on her is only going to push her in the other direction as she has so much more on her plate. I know it’s just that you love her and want her back, but I think it needs to be on her terms. Just be there for her, and let her deal with each issue as she wants to and in the order she wants. I’m sure once she has what happened to her in more perspective and is beginning to feel better, then she will hopefully be able to make some fair and calculated decisions about your relationship. Just be a good friend to her right now, as she is probably really needing that. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Confused wrote in message <36a77a6…@news2.uswest.net>… >I feel it is necessary to go into more detail about the relationship that >me and my wife have. I have known since before we were married that she was >sexually abused by her stepfather. We never gone into any in-depth >discussion because it has been to painful for her. I made an inaccurate >assumption that it was a matter of leaving the subject alone and in time she >would feel comfortable enough to talk about it. She has been seeing a >counselor for over a year now. I don’t ask her how her sessions are going, >thinking that she will talk to me about it when she feels ready. >We have a 15 year old son and he is a great kid, but as soon as he entered >middle school his grades began the slip. We had attributed the problem to >the change of the type of one-on-one relationship he was getting with his >teachers in grade school and being a teenager. Nothing that we did seem to >correct the problem, it only seemed to make it worse. Just after >thanksgiving he was arrested for criminal trespassing and possession of >marijuana. We never thought that drugs might be causing the problem. We then >decided to get him some help by placing him in an intensive in-patient drug >program. Thinking that the relationship between my wife and myself >contributed to his problem, so I suggested that we work on our relationship >so that when our son returned home we would be in a better position to help >him through his addiction. That is when she moved out. >I was crushed. The only thing I could think about was to get her back. The >main problem, I felt was that we were not communicating with one another. I >suggested counseling, and she agreed. Over the course of several sessions, >with what I consider a mediocre counselor, I found that my wife was not only >abused by her stepfather but by her biological father as well. I was >devastated by this revelation. I had only heard stories about sexual abuse, >I never had to deal with the emotions that accompany the abuse. >As counseling progressed and each time she saw that I was more and more >reading, willing, and able to make changes in myself, the more distance she >would put between us. She was originally going to stay at her sisters >overnight which than was extended to a week to the point where she is now >planning to get an apartment of her own. I thought she felt that maybe I was >just hangin around and that all I needed was a little nudge, and I would be >on my way. I became angry, thinking why doesn’t she just finish me off. I >mean, we have been through allot together, she knows how much this hurts me, >and I know how much it hurts her. I love her so much that our being together >is not as important as her happiness. >Last night we went out together, I felt that there was something important >that she had to tell me, I expected the worse, but I was ready. She began by >telling in more detail about her sexual abuse. When it happened the first >time, she went to her mother and confided in her what was going on. Her >mothers response was less that supportive, saying to the effect that this >needs to remain a secret or it will destroy the family. I could not contain >myself. I could not imagine what this did to her. Her parents eventually got >a divorce. Her mother remarried and the abuse started again. This time her >mothers response was to send her away to live with her grandparents. >I now understand, although not totally what my wife is dealing with. On the >one hand if we stay together she will have to deal with the recovery, which >I can see is extremely painful for her. On the other hand if we split up see >can bury her emotions and in her words live as a spinster alone with a bunch >of cats. >I grew up in a family of extraverts. Nobody ever went to bed mad, if someone >had a problem there would be no hesitation in blurting it out. So >communicating with someone who bottles up there emotions is difficult for me >at best. I can see the same type of behavior in our son, and frankly it >frightens the shit out of me. >I want to help my wife through this, not so much so that we get back >together again, but because it hurts me to think that if she does not >recover from this that she my attempt to take the easy way out, or at the >very least be unhappy for the rest of her life. >Please advice where I should go from here.
Response:
I feel it is necessary to go into more detail about the relationship that me and my wife have. I have known since before we were married that she was sexually abused by her stepfather. We never gone into any in-depth discussion because it has been to painful for her. I made an inaccurate assumption that it was a matter of leaving the subject alone and in time she would feel comfortable enough to talk about it. She has been seeing a counselor for over a year now. I don’t ask her how her sessions are going, thinking that she will talk to me about it when she feels ready. We have a 15 year old son and he is a great kid, but as soon as he entered middle school his grades began the slip. We had attributed the problem to the change of the type of one-on-one relationship he was getting with his teachers in grade school and being a teenager. Nothing that we did seem to correct the problem, it only seemed to make it worse. Just after thanksgiving he was arrested for criminal trespassing and possession of marijuana. We never thought that drugs might be causing the problem. We then decided to get him some help by placing him in an intensive in-patient drug program. Thinking that the relationship between my wife and myself contributed to his problem, so I suggested that we work on our relationship so that when our son returned home we would be in a better position to help him through his addiction. That is when she moved out. I was crushed. The only thing I could think about was to get her back. The main problem, I felt was that we were not communicating with one another. I suggested counseling, and she agreed. Over the course of several sessions, with what I consider a mediocre counselor, I found that my wife was not only abused by her stepfather but by her biological father as well. I was devastated by this revelation. I had only heard stories about sexual abuse, I never had to deal with the emotions that accompany the abuse. As counseling progressed and each time she saw that I was more and more reading, willing, and able to make changes in myself, the more distance she would put between us. She was originally going to stay at her sisters overnight which than was extended to a week to the point where she is now planning to get an apartment of her own. I thought she felt that maybe I was just hangin around and that all I needed was a little nudge, and I would be on my way. I became angry, thinking why doesn’t she just finish me off. I mean, we have been through allot together, she knows how much this hurts me, and I know how much it hurts her. I love her so much that our being together is not as important as her happiness. Last night we went out together, I felt that there was something important that she had to tell me, I expected the worse, but I was ready. She began by telling in more detail about her sexual abuse. When it happened the first time, she went to her mother and confided in her what was going on. Her mothers response was less that supportive, saying to the effect that this needs to remain a secret or it will destroy the family. I could not contain myself. I could not imagine what this did to her. Her parents eventually got a divorce. Her mother remarried and the abuse started again. This time her mothers response was to send her away to live with her grandparents. I now understand, although not totally what my wife is dealing with. On the one hand if we stay together she will have to deal with the recovery, which I can see is extremely painful for her. On the other hand if we split up see can bury her emotions and in her words live as a spinster alone with a bunch of cats. I grew up in a family of extraverts. Nobody ever went to bed mad, if someone had a problem there would be no hesitation in blurting it out. So communicating with someone who bottles up there emotions is difficult for me at best. I can see the same type of behavior in our son, and frankly it frightens the shit out of me. I want to help my wife through this, not so much so that we get back together again, but because it hurts me to think that if she does not recover from this that she my attempt to take the easy way out, or at the very least be unhappy for the rest of her life. Please advice where I should go from here.
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