Question:
Hello. This is probably going to be unbelievably long and unreadable so I apologize in advance and recommend you delete it now. But I’ve got to do this, even if no reads it and everyone hates me and exiles me for wasting bandwidth. This is one of the most difficult posts I’m ever going to write, I know that, as I’ve already put this off for two days. But if I don’t do this, I know I won’t be able to look somone in the eye and say the same things out loud, and I have to because it’s fast becoming apparent that things can’t go on the same way anymore <deep breath…and I mean DEEP, because I’m naturally longwinded and it’s a long story that I have to tell. I think I have OCD, more obsessive than compulsive. And I know I have a serious problem with depression. I’ve been forced to take a hard look at my marriage lately, which forced me to take a hard look at Shelley, and what I saw scared the absolute hell out of me. I’m not sure what sparked this particular train of thought, but I sat and considered the locks on my house and how, when I’m alone, I can check them repeatedly and still doubt whether or not they’re really locked. I’ve driven around with my daughter in the car for an hour, more than once, waiting for my husband to come home, because even though I’d checked the back door lock and chain at least 3-5 times before I left, I’m sure that I missed something and it was left open and someone’s waiting inside my house with malicious intent. The realization of just how irrational that is led me thinkto about my hand-washing. Now, in the two days since this all hit me, I’ve done a lot of reading about OCD and various panic/depression disorders and I’m absolutely NOT a ‘washer’ and am grateful to not have the germ phobia that seems so common with this disorder. But I am starting to wash in rituals, though not all the time. I have to wash before using the bathroom, then after with at least 3 pumps of soap, and if the water temperature varies too far while washing it must be done again. Pretty mild, I know, and probably nothing, but that’s what started me thinking about OCD–remembering ‘As Good As It Gets’, as a matter of fact. So I did some research on the net, and took a’ screening’ test or two (**mostly to prove to myself that I was being silly and most certainly didn’t have it***), and that’s when it all fell apart. I just cut about 350 lines of detail about my life that followed here that I’d just spent an hour writing. It’s still going to be long, just without the background.. It felt good to get it out, but I can summarize without details. Suffice to say that 1993 changed me, and 1996 changed me again. I’ve lived in fear of a heart attack since 1993 because of palpitations my doctor then chalked up to anxiety. I was sure it wasn’t anxiety, but my heart, and now that I believe it was anxiety, I still have that fear. The palpitations have all but gone, but I still think every twinge is the big one, every twinge in my calf is a blood clot, a pain in my head is a stroke or aneurism. When my neck tightens up I’m sure it won’t stop and I’ll choke, or maybe have an asthma-like attack. Living with the constant fear and dread of another anxiety/panic attack — I don’t have words for what that did to my life . . . I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in 1997, given pills which I did not take and am still glad I did not take. It’s like I had parts of myself on a shelf, and 1993 and 1996 were earthquakes that skewed it and sent everything rolling off the fallen end, and now I can’t get it level again; some parts I found but I’m sure they’re not in the same spot they were before, some parts must have rolled under the bed because I can’t find them, and some shattered when they hit the floor. While researching OCD the other day, I realized that the thoughts I have, and the things I do, can be OCD ’symptoms’. I smell smoke, I smell gas, I’m sure the house is going to go up. Someone’s breaking in. When alone I live in fear of the phone ringing and it being a stranger, someone knocking at my door–I try to peek out the window and usually don’t answer the door. I didn’t sleep (except during the day when someone else was home with me and the baby) for the first 6 months of my daughter’s life. I woke up so often just to make sure she was breathing, because I was so sure she would die of SIDS. I’m sure she’s going to choke to death while eating. Every time she leaves this house with someone else, I can see her being snatched by a stranger, choking in McDonald’s, being dropped by the person holding her or something. I’m constantly barraged by images like this and I can’t make them stop. I repeat ‘Take little bites. Chew it up good’ like a mantra to her–I’m so absolutely terrified of making her nuts. When she leaves her I have certain things I have to say "Don’t let anybody touch her, take little bites . . etc." but I’m still sure something horrid will happen while she’s gone. It’s agony every time I let her go, but if I didn’t, they’d know something was up. When I see something on Tv (for instance, a story about a woman who put her foot in a sandal for the first time that summer and was bitten by a black widow) I live in fear of the exact thing happening to me. I remember this woman described the pain as the venom attacked her nervous system and how you can only take the antivenom once in your lifetime. Now I’m sure every shoe has a web in the toe and that me or my daughter will be bitten TWICE at some point in our lives. It makes me . . .crazy. If I start to worry about someone because of lateness or something, I have to think the whole scenario through in my mind, often all the way to the police coming to the door to notify me of the wreck/murder/whatever to the funeral, how I’ll act, things I’ll say, what people will say to me, and how life will be around here without the person. It makes me sick but I can’t help it–I’ve always done it. I get this guilt, because if I picture some aspects of life around here as ok after the person is dead, it’s almost like I’m wishing they’re dead when that’s not the case at all. Does anybody understand this? I’ve spent so mnay nights crying myself to sleep because of these thoughts–My daughter dying which I could not bear, myself dying and never seeing my daughter again–her not having me to help her grow up–her not remembering me and on and on and on. Now I cry out of fear for her–I don’t want to screw her up. I don’t want her to have these problems I do. I get nervous in check-outs thinking they won’t take my check (this has never happened) or they’ll accuse me of shoplifting (which I’ve never ever done or been accused of). Sometimes my hand shakes so hard I can barely write the check. I go through periods of not wanting to leave the house or be seen by anyone. I ‘count’ letters in my head (and i don’t understand this part) but it’s not to prevent something bad from happening, as all the OCD stuff says. It’s just something I’ve always done and had no control over. Often as someone is talking, the letters zip through my head typewriter-style. I think each letter, space, period while trying to keep up with the speaker. It’s not a conscious thing though, it just happens. I repeat words and phrases over and over in my head trying to get the letters to come out even (I’ll count by twos, threes, fours, etc. until <including spaces and punctuation I end up evenly on the period.) If I’m making a repetitive movement, such as in a rocking chair, I see it in my head as a geometric shape and i’m hitting all the points of the shape, though I’m only going back and forth in reality. It’s bizarre and hard to describe. It’s like everything has to be even. I’ve been typing for 20 years, and I’ve played piano for 20 years so I always thought these things were because of that—counting the letters as if typing and being ‘rhythmic’ but after reading about OCD, I’m not so sure. I make to-do lists and copy them, without changes, sometimes 20-25 times and end up never doing anything on the list. I rewrite letters obsessively (I write, so rewriting in itself is good, but I’ve often rewritten an entire letter because one word wasn’t at the same slant as the rest). I’m making an effort not to rewrite this post, actually. I already did once because I snipped so much, but it’s long enough as it is. I’m not obsessively clean, as any visitor to my home will tell you, but I obsess about the house. It’s not messy, just not ’spotless’, but I get so overwhelmed I can’t start sometimes. And I freak when people come unexpected if everything isn’t perfect, which it never is. There are other ‘obsessions’ that I get stuck on and can’t stop thinking about. They affect my life in terrible ways–I don’t go anywhere, I don’t do anything, I’m afraid all the time, I’m guilty all the time, I’m disgusted all the time. And there’s one other thing. I don’t know how, or whether or not, this fits into OCD and I’d never told anyone about this until earlier tonight when I was talking to a first cousin of mine. This is not easy for me post publicly. . Lita and I spent a huge deal of time together growing up. We were more like sisters than cousins. As kids, we’d always done this fantasizing thing. Say about a rock group we liked. When were 10 or so, we’d make up long, involved stories about them and us, as if we knew them and were part of their lives. We did this all the time, and it was big, big fun. I don’t see any problem with that. Fantasies are healthy, and so is being creative. A few months ago we were having a heart to heart, and we both revealed that we still do it. (She’s 27 and I’ll be 29 next week). We still plug ourselves into lives of people we like. She may make up this
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Response:
<big snip, but gentle – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -Does anything I’ve send sound like OCD? If anyone made it this far, that is. Does it sounds like anything specific, any other disorder? I feel just whacked in general and I don’t know what to do. My marriage counselor, who actually I consider a friend, is the only person I can think to turn to. I could go to her and say all this, if I get up the courage, and see what she thinks. I don’t have the money right now to go to a psychiatrist, while I’m sure I need to eventually. I know there’s something wrong, and I think it’s OCD. Any comments are greatly appreciated. And again, I apologize profusely for the length. But I did it. And maybe that’s something. Cousin Shelley In the End, it’s not the shouts of our enemies that we will hear, but the silence of our friends. —Martin Luther King
Welcome, Shelley. I don’t know much about OCD, since I don’t have it, but I’d guess that yeah, you should probably look into it. Your marriage counselor is a good place to start, since you’re comfortable with her. She might be able to give you leads on somewhere to get therapy on a sliding scale. As long as you spoiler a long post, like you did, you have nothing to worry about. Write as much as you need to, that’s what we’re here for. I hope you find the help you need to heal your pain. Again, welcome. Melissa — But what it takes to cross the great divide Seems more than all the courage I can muster up inside. But we get to have some answers when we reach the other side. The prize is always worth the rocky ride. –Indigo Girls
Response:
-snipped just a little of it- Does it sounds like anything specific, any other disorder? I feel just whacked in general and I don’t know what to do. My marriage counselor, who actually I consider a friend, is the only person I can think to turn to. I could go to her and say all this, if I get up the courage, and see what she thinks. I don’t have the money right now to go to a psychiatrist, while I’m sure I need to eventually. I know there’s something wrong, and I think it’s OCD. Any comments are greatly appreciated.
My suggestion, just print this right out and give it to her. And again, I apologize profusely for the length.
And you weren’t kidding either, were you!!! 
But I did it. And maybe that’s something.
That it is. Sincerely Stewart — The Metaphor Man *and* The Great Defender of the Self (remove the SPAMBLOCK)
Response:
posted & emailed I read the whole thing. You are not lazy or crazy, unless I am a little bit too, but I don’t think I am <suppressed giggle. Your post made me remember and think of these things too. I can’t tell if you’re obsessive-compulsive, but I do know that some of the things you mentioned have parallels with me too (although rewriting an entire letter because one word wasn’t slanted like the others seems obsessive to me). For instance, the part about sitting in a rocking chair and imagining a geometric shape and "hitting" all the points of it; I have done similar things; I have also, for instance, stood in a narrow space such as a closet and if I bump my right elbow into the wall, I’ll then bump my left elbow the same way, just for symmetry. I know what you mean by "It’s like everything has to be even." I get that way sometimes too. Symmetry seems to be important sometimes. I think you and I are both very spatially and visually oriented. We see the space that objects occupy, we think of the space they move through; I do, anyway. When I am asked to spell a word or repeat something I’ve read, I "see" the letters in my mind just as they appeared when I read them; I will form the entire word or sentence in my head before saying it. In any case, I think it wouldn’t do any harm to talk to someone about it because of this part of your post: "I’m not obsessively clean, as any visitor to my home will tell you, but I obsess about the house. It’s not messy, just not ’spotless’, but I get so overwhelmed I can’t start sometimes. And I freak when people come unexpected if everything isn’t perfect, which it never is. There are other ‘obsessions’ that I get stuck on and can’t stop thinking about. They affect my life in terrible ways–I don’t go anywhere, I don’t do anything, I’m afraid all the time, I’m guilty all the time, I’m disgusted all the time." That part makes me think you should see someone who can help you figure out if you need treatment. The part about making up imaginary lives doesn’t bother me at all, although I don’t do it myself. I think having a rich imagination is a very healthy thing. But if it really bothers you and really interferes with you life, then I’d urge you to talk about that with a professional as well. To sum up, I think the scores on the OCD and dep. tests are easily enough to get you into mental health counseling. I’d start by asking the marriage counselor about the options. And there’s nothing to be afraid of, believe me; the people who do this sort of thing are there to help you, not judge you. Let them try to help you, okay? And keep in touch here, this is a great place for support. —– "We has met th’ enemy, an’ he is us." — Pogo
Response:
[snip] I think I have OCD, more obsessive than compulsive. And I know I have a serious problem with depression.
It’s funny you should post this now. When I saw my therapist last Tuesday, I told her I was wondering if I had OCD. Some of the symptoms you’ve mentioned in this post are some of the ones I have. Others I used to have – such as the fear of a heart attack. I am heavy, and when I was a child, the doctor would tell me that all of the extra weight wasn’t good for my heart. From about age 16 until my 30’s, I thought every little twinge and pain was a heart attack, just as you describe. When I was 13, I had my first serious depressive crash, and what triggered it was reading two articles about young girls (one was my age) who died of leukemia. I became convinced I was dying of leukemia. The fear of dying kept me from sleeping, because I was so afraid I wouldn’t wake up. I have three children, two sons and a daughter, and my daughter has always been special to me, in part because she’s the only girl. I used to fear that she’d die, and my fear bordered on the obsessive. Being me, I hid it. The one time I mentioned it to friends in a discussion group, they didn’t react. I have always felt that God doesn’t want me to be happy, and he will take away whatever is making me happy – in this case, my daughter. I didn’t worry as much about my sons, even though I love them just as much. I ‘count’ letters in my head (and i don’t understand this part) but it’s not to prevent something bad from happening, as all the OCD stuff says. It’s just something I’ve always done and had no control over. Often as someone is talking, the letters zip through my head typewriter-style. I think each letter, space, period while trying to keep up with the speaker. It’s not a conscious thing though, it just happens.
I do things like this, too. But it was the counting stairs that I mentioned to my therapist. I go in and out of the Boston subway every day, and I count stairs, or steps up the escalator (everyone in Boston walks on the escalator). I’ve always counted stairs. I count cards automatically when people are dealing them; I can tell my kids whether they’ve dealt out six or seven. We still plug ourselves into lives of people we like. She may make up this story in her head about herself and, say, the Highlander or something, and I do the exact same thing only with people (generally fictional characters) that interest me. We were amazed that we both still do this and had never told anyone. But I think we were both reassured that it’s probably a healthy normal thing to do .
I hope so – I’ve done it all my life, too. I had a wonderful life on board the USS Enterprise in Star Trek: The Next Generation! Others, too. Some fantasy worlds are so compelling, they help us escape from the dull reality of our normal lives. But it can be overdone; I know I constantly fell into that story while I was living it. I tried to write it out as a screenplay, but they canceled the show before I finished. I don’t act out the way you describe; I spent too much time of my life daydreaming while I did other things. Does anything I’ve send sound like OCD? If anyone made it this far, that is.
My therapist didn’t think I had OCD, but I can’t make a diagnosis for you. If you’ve got concerns about it, go to a professional for evaluation. Does it sounds like anything specific, any other disorder? I feel just whacked in general and I don’t know what to do. My marriage counselor, who actually I consider a friend, is the only person I can think to turn to. I could go to her and say all this, if I get up the courage, and see what she thinks. I don’t have the money right now to go to a psychiatrist, while I’m sure I need to eventually. I know there’s something wrong, and I think it’s OCD. Any comments are greatly appreciated.
Are you covered by any insurance? You can also get some help from a regular Primary Care Physician. And again, I apologize profusely for the length. But I did it. And maybe that’s something.
Yes, it is. Writing it down like this, and asking us for input, is a big step. Cousin Shelley
Welcome, Cousin Shelley! Bluebird
Response:
Hello. This is probably going to be unbelievably long and unreadable so I apologize in advance and recommend you delete it now.
(snip) There! it’s deleted. But I read it from top to bottom first. While I don’t have OCD, I do find myself doing some of these repetitive behaviours now and then. As for the fantasy thing, been doing it since I was about nine years old. So I can identify with you a lot. I also think that you have showed a lot of courage first by writing this down, then by not deleting it yourself, and finally, by hitting the "send" button on your browser. I don’t want to come across as Ms. Know-it-all, because I’m not. But I think that you might benefit from discussing these concerns with your MD. If you are wondering how to broach it with the doctor, I’d say that printing out your post and asking him/her to read it is a pretty good start. My reading suggests that OCD can respond well to appropriate medication and/or counselling. I hope that this will be true for you and that you will be able to find help to deal with it. Nothing more painful than creating those scenarios about "what if" the worst thing that could happen *did* happen. (((HUGS))) Tara Ballance Montreal, Canada
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