Question:
(short) Reading the above list and thinking "Oh my God, I had no idea that other people were going through the same thing and that there is a name for this: Borderline Personality Disorder."
You said it! I was reading the lines and thought "Oh my God…). It is good to know I’m not just imagining all what’s going on. Sara
Response:
: Anyone out there ever been married or have been in a relationship with : someone with BPD? I’d like to know how you handle it. : : You get out!!! I spent 6 years with one of these monsters and barely got : out with my sanity. These people can destroy you before you realize what : has happened so save yourself…you cannot help them : — : Mike Matthews Could anyone explain to me what Borderline Personality Disorder is or where I might find out more information.
Response:
Could anyone explain to me what Borderline Personality Disorder is or where I might find out more information.
David – Check out the BPD website at http://members.aol.com:80/BPDCentral/index.html From the web site: BPD Characteristics Are you in a relationship with a person with Borderline Personality Disorder? Do you find yourself concealing what you really think or feel because you’re afraid of the other person’s reaction, and it just doesn’t seem worth the horrible fight or hurt feelings that will surely follow? Has this become so automatic that you have a hard time even identifying what you think or feel? Feeling like you’re walking on eggshells much of the time, and that no matter what you say or do, it will be twisted and used against you. Being blamed and criticized for everything wrong in the relationship, even when it makes no logical sense. Being the focus of intense, even violent rages that make no logical sense, alternating with periods when the other person acts perfectly normal and loving. Feeling like you’re being manipulated, controlled or even lied to sometimes. Feeling like the person you care about sees you as either all good or all bad, with nothing in between. Wishing that the person would act like they used to, when they seemed to love you and think you were perfect and everything was wonderful. Feeling like the other person is like "Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde": one moment a loving, caring person; another moment someone who seems so vicious you barely recognize them. Wondering which one is "real." Hoping that it’s a phase that will go away — but it doesn’t. Feeling like you’re on an emotional roller coaster with high highs (things are incredible, fantastic) and very low lows (feeling of despair, depression, grief for the relationship you thought you had). Being afraid to ask for things in the relationship because you will be told you’re too demanding or there is something wrong with you. Being told that your needs are wrong or not important. Wondering if you’re losing your grip on reality because the other person is always putting down or denying your point of view. Plus, the other person often acts just fine in front of other people, so no one believes you when you explain what’s going on. Feeling that nothing you do is ever right, and when you do manage to do what the other person wants, suddenly they change their expectations. The rules keep changing and no matter what you do, you can’t win. Feeling helpless and trapped. Being accused of doing things you never did and saying things you never said. Feeling misunderstood a great deal of the time, and when you try to explain, the other person doesn’t believe you. Being constantly put down, yet when you try to leave the relationship the other person tries to prevent you from leaving in a variety of ways — anything from declarations of love and promises to change to outright implicit or explicit threats such as "you’ll never see the children again" and "no one but me will ever love you." Having a hard time planning anything (social engagement, etc.) because of the other person’s moodiness, impulsiveness or unpredictability. Sometimes, even making excuses for their behavior to other people — or trying to convince yourself that this is normal behavior. Reading the above list and thinking "Oh my God, I had no idea that other people were going through the same thing and that there is a name for this: Borderline Personality Disorder."
Response:
Anyone out there ever been married or have been in a relationship with someone with BPD? I’d like to know how you handle it.
Response:
Anyone out there ever been married or have been in a relationship with someone with BPD? I’d like to know how you handle it.
What’s to handle? She made my life very stressful for a while, bankrupted me, then left to move in with some other guy. You don’t handle BPD. Most psychologist can’t "handle" BPD, so don’t delude yourself into thinking that YOU can or lay a guilt trip on yourself for not being able to handle a BPD. You just survive it and put your life back together the best you can.
Response:
Here is a tid bit from the web page…. this is an excerpt from "Walking on Eggshells: When Someone You Care About has Borderline Personality Disorder" Step 8 is a gem, but takes practice. Part II: The 10 Steps to Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster — Even If the BP Won’t Change Step 1: Accept that you cannot make the BP seek treatment. Step 2: Stop taking the borderline’s actions personally. Learn about "the invisible stimulus." Step 3: Take care of yourself and accept the fact that you didn’t cause BPD, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it. Step 4: Examine yourself and the relationship. Take responsibility for your own behavior — but not anyone else’s. Step 5: Create more predictability in your life by identifying triggers (hot buttons) that lead to BPD defense mechanisms. Then, determine your OWN triggers. A list of eight triggers for someone with BPD. Step 6: Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings in order to clarify your own personal limits. Observe them consistently. Step 7: Learn general guidelines for communicating with someone with BPD. Eighteen general communication principles to keep in mind when you’re talking with someone with BPD. Step 8: When appropriate, shift responsibility for the BP’s thoughts, feelings and actions back to the BP using the D.E.A.R. and P.U.V.A.S. communication tools. D.E.A.R. is a way of talking to the BP about your limits and other things you may want. It was designed by Researcher Marsha Linehan, Ph.D. It stands for DESCRIBE, EXPRESS, ASSERT, and REINFORCE. P.U.V.A.S is a system of responding to criticism, blaming, and other acting out behavior. It was devised by the authors and is our update of the S.E.T. system described in the book I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me. " It stands for PAY ATTENTION, UNDERSTAND FULLY, VALIDATE, ASSERT YOUR REALITY STATEMENT, and SHIFT RESPONSIBILITY. This step includes a full explanation of how these work with several examples. Step 9: Develop a plan to deal with unsafe behavior BEFORE it occurs. Implement it whenever necessary. Unsafe behavior includes physical violence, raging, self-mutilation and suicide. Step 10: Be aware of the needs of any children who may be affected by the BP’s behavior. Take immediate steps to make their environment as safe, predictable, supportive, and nurturing as you can. What to do when you’re afraid of the effects of BPD behavior on children.
Response:
Anyone out there ever been married or have been in a relationship with someone with BPD? I’d like to know how you handle it.
Go to the BPDCentral web site and check out the information regarding the booklet, "Walking On Eggshells". http://members.aol.com:80/BPDCentral/index.html The booklet is only $11.95 and is chock full of sound advice. The web site is astonishingly good, too. There is also an excellent mailing list for non-borderlines. If you would like to subscribe to the list, please do the following: NONBP" in the message body (not the subject). If you want to get all the mail in digest form, send an E-mail message to (not the subject). Stephen is right — you don’t "handle" a relationship with a person with BPD. The whole concept of control is a moot point. All you need to remember is a.) you are not responsible for (nor can you control) the BPD’s behavior, just your own responses to it, and b.) you cannot make a BPD get psychiatric help. Logic doesn’t work, either. You can learn some coping methods and a way to avoid triggering a BPD rage, but you probably already have some experience with that if you are in any way involved with a BPD. If I were you I would take a look at the Eggshells booklet (worth every penny) and, if the BPD is willing, get into therapy with a counsellor who understands BPD, but be prepared for a pointless blame-fest. Personally, my advice to you is to get out while you can. Run! (But I’m biased, I had a bad experience with a certain person with BPD.) Sunny
Response:
Anyone out there ever been married or have been in a relationship with someone with BPD? I’d like to know how you handle it.
BPD is the most difficult psychological disorder to treat. The denial of the BPD is extreme. The effects on all others around are devastating. Being around a BPD also creates a type of response that has predictable results: you end up with no friends, you live your life worrying how the BPD is going to respond to this or that choice/action/etc. that you make, you end up believing that you are responsible for everything bad. It is hell. To find out more go to: http://members.aol.com/BPDCentral/index.html Good Luck,
Response:
Anyone out there ever been married or have been in a relationship with someone with BPD? I’d like to know how you handle it.
You get out!!! I spent 6 years with one of these monsters and barely got out with my sanity. These people can destroy you before you realize what has happened so save yourself…you cannot help them — Mike Matthews
Response:
BPD is the most difficult psychological disorder to treat. The denial of the BPD is extreme. The effects on all others around are devastating. Being around a BPD also creates a type of response that has predictable results: you end up with no friends, you live your life worrying how the BPD is going to respond to this or that choice/action/etc. that you make, you end up believing that you are responsible for everything bad. It is hell.
That was me/us. I diagnosed my husband as having borderline personality disorder many years ago, possibly as a result of too much late night reading. After 15 years, I am finally (4 months into the separation) putting my personality back together, very slowly. This is much harder than living with someone who is physically abusive – instead of having a clear cut place to draw the line, you end up doubting yourself. I am now realizing my husband either slept with or tried to sleep with many people who I entertained as guests in my home; all along when I saw all the signs, I was telling myself I was paranoid because I had low self esteem. I am sure more revelations are yet to come.
Response:
That was me/us. I diagnosed my husband as having borderline personality
disorder many years ago, possibly as a result of too much late night reading. After 15 years, I am finally (4 months into the separation) putting my personality back together, very slowly. This is much harder than living with someone who is physically abusive – instead of having a clear cut place to draw the line, you end up doubting yourself. I am now realizing my husband either slept with or tried to sleep with many people who I entertained as guests in my home; all along when I saw all the signs, I was telling myself I was paranoid because I had low self esteem. I am sure more revelations are yet to come. BPDs have a way of manipulating you into thinking everything is your fault, that if they are mentally ill it’s all because of you, that you are to blame for the problems in the marriage. They twist and turn everything you say back onto you so that they make you sound like a monster. The brow-beating and blaming is relentless, and the BPD can be all over the map. It makes your head spin. They re-write reality to suit their needs, and make you wonder if something really happened or didn’t. You end up so confused you don’t know if you are coming or going. Your self-esteem is shot. You are so used to walking on eggshells all the time, if the BPD goes into a rage, you blame yourself for triggering it. After years like this, you really don’t know what is real anymore. Your ex may have led you to believe it was your own shortcomings that made him unfaithful, and that he had a right to cheat on you. He doesn’t have empathy, so he could care less how much it hurts you. On the other hand, if you were to even bat your eyelashes at another man, he would have a major fit. Am I right? I am glad you have left the marriage. You cannot change the BPD or convince them to seek professional help. They deny there is anything wrong with themselves. It is a no-win situation. You will get better. It will take time to heal, but your personality is still intact, just buried under coping mechanisms, and eventually you will be able to relax and trust your judgement again and feel good about yourself. It is like recovering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. It can’t happen as long as you stay around the BPD. The BPD will probably go to extraordinary lengths to convince you to come back to them, but DON’T DO IT. Try to avoid all contact with him. If you even have a civil conversation with him, he may leap to the conclusion that everything is fine now and that he can move back in with you. He might badger you into feeling ashamed or guilty for separating from him. He may be charming and sweet and sorry, but it won’t last more than a few hours. You may have once loved him, or thought you did, but you must stay away from him. You need to be by yourself to get better and live again. You owe him nothing, and you have a right to be happy. Repeat: you have the right to be happy. Nobody deserves to be abused. You are not the cause of the BPD’s behavior — they are responsible for their actions. All you can control is the way you respond to their behavior. You are allowed to have firm boundaries that cannot be crossed by anyone, even a spouse. I am glad you are on the road to recovery. Check out this website: http://members.aol.com:80/BPDCentral/index.html for people who are/were involved with people with Borderline Personality Disorder. It is chock full of excellent information. Good luck to you. In time, things will be all right, believe me. Sunny
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