Trauma – PTSD

Question:

I’m a 52 yr. old male and recently diagnosed with Dissociate Disorder in combination with my long term Massive and Chronic Post Traumatic Stress with undercurrents of various personality dysfunction’s.  I have "gone somewhere" since I was routinely beaten bloody by my insane father. Abandoned to the streets at barely 13 I was gang raped and nearly starved until rescued by 4 young hookers who became my family.  They got me into ‘gone schooling’ and later, City Collage.  When one was murdered the ‘family’ broke up and I joined the Military and through a series of events, landed outside Honoi, North Vietnam as a Bomber Spotter and Munitions Transport neutralizer.  I must have gotten into it because I did 37 months (3 tours).  With many hands on kills, I ended up in San Francisco where I was stoned for years.  Nothing seemed real to me after I get straight and I was constantly being told I did or said this or that or had long conversations that I didn’t remember even snippets of. This has continued to happen until now.  I know I go somewhere but that is not enough for me.  Where do I "go"?  Under stress I am either terribly combative or I do what I called FLAT-LINE for years.  That’s what it felt like and that the best way I could describe it.  My personality dissolves during the crisis and I am VERY uncomfortable and feel like I have my finger in the outlet and at the same time, am gutted and ‘flat-line’ which my Doc now says is me dissociating. Can anyone here relate or does this make sense?  Are there places I can learn about this crazy thing if it really does fit the parameters?  I would very much appreciate comment since this condition seems to be the most predominate in my life.  Comments?  Help? Opinions?  Anything? Thanks, Kyle

Response:

I’m a 52 yr. old male and recently diagnosed with Dissociate Disorder in combination with my long term Massive and Chronic Post Traumatic Stress with undercurrents of various personality dysfunction’s.  I have "gone somewhere" since I was routinely beaten bloody by my insane father. Abandoned to the streets at barely 13 I was gang raped and nearly starved until rescued by 4 young hookers who became my family.  They got me into ‘hone schooling’ and later, City Collage.  When one was murdered the ‘family’ broke up and I joined the Military and through a series of events, landed outside Honoi, North Vietnam as a Bomber Spotter and Munitions Transport neutralizer among other grizzly things.  I must have gotten into it because I did 37 months (3 tours).  With many hands on kills, I ended up in San Francisco where I was stoned for years.  Nothing seemed real to me even after I got straight and I was constantly being told I did or said this or that or had long conversations that I didn’t remember even snippets of. This has continued to happen until now.  I know I go somewhere but that is not enough for me.  Where do I "go"?  Under stress I am either terribly combative or I do what I called FLAT-LINE for years.  That’s what it felt like and that the best way I could describe it.  My personality dissolves during the crisis and I am VERY uncomfortable and feel like I have my finger in the outlet and at the same time, am gutted and ‘flat-line’ which my Doc now says is me dissociating. Can anyone here relate or does this make sense?  Are there places I can learn about this crazy thing if it really does fit the parameters?  I would very much appreciate comment since this condition seems to be the most predominate in my life.  Comments?  Help? Opinions?  Anything? Thanks, Kyle

Response:

Hi Kyle,     I’m not exactly the right person to play welcome wagon around here, since I’m fairly new myself, so I’ll try to respond more to what you have to say about life, and throw in a few things about newsgroups where I might know them, okay?     And, first, I’m going to add some space between what you wrote and the bottom of the screen where anyone might start reading. Putting in this space is called adding a "spoiler," and it’s done in case somebody reading what is written might get upset by the subject matter (lots of people have a hard time reading information without any warning about the subject). Okay, so warning for ASD readers: Spoiler for talk of abuse, war, and other straight-up things. No splats below. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0 1 (Kyle: now a person who starts reading at the top of the computer screen can’t see the bottom of the screen and can choose whether they’re ready to read more about the topic.)     Since you ask for comments, opinions, etc., at the end of this post, I’m just going to jump in here and there with my thoughts. I’m a 52 yr. old male and recently diagnosed with Dissociate Disorder in combination with my long term Massive and Chronic Post Traumatic Stress with undercurrents of various personality dysfunction’s.

    Welcome, Kyle.  I have "gone somewhere" since I was routinely beaten bloody by my insane father.

    You’ll find that experience of "going somewhere" is pretty common among many of us with DID. You’ll also find that many of us have histories of child abuse. Abandoned to the streets at barely 13 I was gang raped and nearly starved until rescued by 4 young hookers who became my family.  They got me into ‘gone schooling’ and later, City Collage.  

    I was also on the streets by about that age. And later went to college. And had some great and not-so-great things happen in between. When one was murdered the ‘family’ broke up and I joined the Military and through a series of events, landed outside Honoi, North Vietnam as a Bomber Spotter and Munitions Transport neutralizer.  I must have gotten into it because I did 37 months (3 tours).  With many hands on kills, I ended up in San Francisco where I was stoned for years.  

    Damn. That’s quite a story. Nothing seemed real to me after I get straight and I was constantly being told I did or said this or that or had long conversations that I didn’t remember even snippets of.

    That’s not uncommon with DID (which doesn’t make it any more comfortable). This has continued to happen until now.  I know I go somewhere but that is not enough for me.  Where do I "go"?  

    We don’t all "go" to the same place, but many of us just go "inside." That is, we lose conscious thought and action.     During that time, other parts of us come out and do things which we don’t remember. For example, you posted two slightly different versions of this message, both of which were signed "Kyle."     Then you posted two versions of a different message, which you signed "Bill."     Around here (or if you know other people who are DID), that’s to be expected. But, if it’s new to you, it’s incredibly confusing. Under stress I am either terribly combative or I do what I called FLAT-LINE for years.  That’s what it felt like and that the best way I could describe it.  My personality dissolves during the crisis and I am VERY uncomfortable and feel like I have my finger in the outlet and at the same time, am gutted and ‘flat-line’ which my Doc now says is me dissociating.

    "Flat-line" is a great way to describe it. Can anyone here relate or does this make sense?  Are there places I can learn about this crazy thing if it really does fit the parameters?  I would very much appreciate comment since this condition seems to be the most predominate in my life.  Comments?  Help? Opinions?  Anything?

    Makes perfect sense to me.     I can be both combative and completely gone, among other things.     However, I’ve never "lost" years at a time, so maybe some others in the group will be able to speak to that. I know it happens; it’s just never happened to me.     This is one place to learn. I like it because it’s interactive: I can ask questions and get answers.     There are many other resources. I’m sure more people in ASD will tell you about that, since I’m not really up on all that (I have a hard enough time keeping up with reading the stuff in here!).     You’re right to assume that DID is going to become one of the most predominant things in your life. And, once you’re aware of it, you can begin to learn ways of feeling less overwhelmed by it.     I wish you the very best. Lucha ***** I want you to know the worst and be free from it. I want you to know the worst and still find good. Day by day, as you play nearby or laugh with the ladies at People’s Bank as we go around town and I find myself beaming like a fool, I suspect I am here less for your protection than you are here for mine, as if you were sent to call me back into our helpless tribe. John Balaban, from "Words for My Daughter"

Response:

Hi, I’m trying to figure it all out too – me and this newsgroup. I don’t want to *spoil* anything but I’m not sure what’s ok to say and what isn’t, so I’ll just leave some space anyway. * * * * * * * * * * * * * I have never been to a therapist so have never been diagnosed with anything, however I do have at least two selves. I don’t think this came from any severe childhood trauma, but possibly from non-traumatic childhood issues. Is that possible? This other self was kind of dormant for many years but now is even more distinct than in childhood. This doesn’t cause me any problems that I’m aware of. I’ve explained it to my husband and it doesn’t bother him any. My other self never talks to anyone the main me knows, except for my husband, and he can’t usually tell when its the other me. Does any of this make any sense? Carol

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